Introduction
The gentle sounds of birds chirping and the faint rustling of leaves slowly begins to draw your groggy mind out of the comforting blackness of sleep and into the warming light of consciousness. You slowly drag a hoof out from underneath the covers and hold it over your mouth as you allow a heavy yawn to escape your lips. You quickly pull off the smooth velvet covers of your bed and stand tall as you feel your tiredness almost immediately fall away. A broad smile breaks across your face as you merrily trot over towards your open window, brushing aside the curtains and taking a deep refreshing breath of that wonderful morning air.
You keep on with the happy smile as you look over the little town you’ve come to know and love. Stall owners busily went about promoting and selling their goods, Ditzy Doo and her daughter seemed to be enjoying a quiet little picnic together in the park, and if you squinted hard enough you could see Rainbow Dash tearing her way through the sky leaving a trail of sparkling colors behind her as she spun and twirled in a true show of athletic prowess.
Yep today was a beautiful day, and you couldn’t help but feel rejuvenated at the sheer display of all that life playing out right before your eyes. Of course, the full night’s sleep may have helped with that. One of the very few perks that comes with being currently unemployed, but no need to dwell on that, today was a brand new day filled with new opportunities and new chances to make your way in the world.
You merrily make your way to the bathroom of the small home you’d been staying in for the night, tiptoeing across the hardwood floor in order to keep from disturbing your roommates, they’d already been kind enough to let you crash at their place until you got back on your hoofs, you sure didn’t want to seem like a burden to them, you didn’t even need to check in order to know they were still sleeping. The noises you heard last night were plenty enough of a hint to let you know they didn’t exactly rest easily the night before.
Once you get inside the blue tile bathroom you waste no time hopping inside the welcoming shower. As the hot water and soap begins to wash away all the grime and dirt you can’t help but whistle a merry tune to yourself as you bathe. As you do so however you allow yourself a few moments to reflect on recent events.
Why exactly are you so happy? Well…that was actually a really good question now that you think about it. You certainly weren’t having the best of luck these days that was obvious. Actually, maybe we should just say you were having the worst luck. Over the past two weeks your life had been steadily going downhill, you’d managed to get yourself fired for a few rumors about one of your late night drunken adventures, all of which were totally not true by the way, had to deal with some of the princess’ royal guards after a bad case of mistaken identity with another colt that had stolen the wheels of Celestia’s favorite chariot, lost more than your fair share of bits paying for some medical bills for an accident you’d rather not talk about, and to top it all off your house had burned down a few days ago. As it turns out you had left the oven on.
One would think that any colt that had gone through all that in such a short amount of time would practically be crippled with depression. But nope, you weren’t.
Why?
Because you had a date, it was what you were getting all cleaned up for right now. After all, you wouldn’t make a very good date if you stank. So after a few more moments of showering you brush aside the curtain, quickly dry yourself off, then proceed to comb your mane and brush your teeth.
Lookin’ good. You think flatteringly to yourself as you give your reflection an approving glance in the mirror. You certainly weren’t the best looking stallion by any means, but for a guy so down on his luck you didn’t look half bad. You reach over to the white countertop with a hoof and scoop up your silver pendant, the neckpiece wrapping around your neck in a comforting manner. You decide to waste no more time, heading out of the bathroom and rounding the corner as you push open the door leading outside.
It certainly was a beautiful day, as you wander towards Ponyville’s town square the sound of…now what was the orange cowpony’s name? Applejack? You could hear her distinct southern drawl rising over the crowd noises of the other numerous bustling ponies moving about.
“Now ah’ done told ya Rarity, ah’ can’t jus give away my stock cus yall are my friend.” The exasperated apple farmer was saying.
“Applejack dear please be reasonable.” Another more civilized tone of voice seemed to answer back. “I’m in a terrible rush and I’m absolutely famished, couldn’t you just make an exception this one time?”
The sound of that voice seemed to peek your attention. You decide to take a curious glance over to the source of the exchange, hoping to catch a glance of that beautiful mare. Well it seems as if your luck decides to hold true for once, and the heavy crowd of ponies is split just enough for you to get an eyeful of the object of your affection.
Rarity, the white gem Ponyville, and without a doubt the single most beautiful mare you’d ever laid eyes on. She had her back turned to you now, so you couldn’t take a look at those wonderful deep blue eyes of hers. Or that lush purple mane she hung so elegantly around her head, something you considered very unfortunate. That’s not to say she didn’t look positively ravishing from this angle either, but you’d exercised a great deal of restraint and kept yourself from staring directly at her…well it was rude to use the ‘P’ word in such a manner...it would certainly not make you much of a gentlecolt.
“Well consarnit Rarity I’d might let it slide if yall weren’t asking for the most expensive thang in the whole dang cart!” The cowpony shot back, drawing your gaze away from Rarity and towards the well-furnished wooden stall she’d set up to sell her produce. “Can’t yall just settle for a Red Delicious and get out of my mane!?”
“But my dear Applejack! I’ve never seen such a lavish and unique apple in all my days.” Rarity continued, even when pleading her words were like honey…. “It’s calling to me I swear! Oh hark there sweet Rarity, with coat as soft as silk, can’t thou rescue me from being kept here? Held against my will and forced to bask in the lowness and filth of other such common produce! Oh woe is me, for my kind, sweet, Rarity shall be forced to abandon me!” You can’t help but chuckle lightly as Rarity puts on quite the show, standing on her hind legs as she struck a dramatic pose and gently placed her right forehoof against her forehead. Really if the whole fashion design thing didn’t work out she should definitely take up a career onstage.
Your unintentional little laugh at Rarity’s display managed to catch the attention of both mares. And you feel your face flash red as their pair of eyes bore into you.
“Hey!” Applejack shouts through the crowd, making you gulp as you notice the scowl on her face. After all, hell hath no fury like that of a mare scorned, or so your father used to say. “Yall want some apples? Don’t let Rarity here deter ya from getting some food.” You let out a noticeable sigh of relief at her offer. Glad that neither of them seemed to upset from your slightly immature giggle fit from earlier.
Rarity seemed to scoff at the idea that she could possibly be deterring any form of business from Applejack’s stall. “Applejack darling if I’m affecting your business in any way shape or form it could only be for the better. After all, this fine young stallion here no doubt took notice of your stall thanks to my wondrous presence.” Rarity gives you a coy smile that practically makes your heart melt, though you do the smart thing and keep your head down and ignore the comment. You were a little ashamed to admit that Rarity’s accusation wasn’t too far off from the truth.
As soon as you get a look at the large clumps of apples one in particular seems to catch your eye. There is a single golden apple shining brightly in the sunlight on the very top of a stack of other apple types you were incapable of naming. You were no doubt intrigued by this strange piece of fruit; at first glance you’d assume that it was made of solid gold, though that of course couldn’t be true. Applejack sold food not decorations. And it was big, about the size of both your hooves smashed together.
“Can you tell me a little about this one?” You ask, motioning to the odd fruit with a tip of your head.
Applejack grins proudly as she scoops the apple up out of the cart, holding it up with both hooves like it was a prize trophy. “This here is one of mah favorites! It’s a specialty of the apple family! You see as the stories go great grandpappy Autumn Gold planted a single tree to start his farm way back during the very first settlement of Ponyville. And for the first five years he waited and waited for it to sprout some fruit, but no matter how much sun it got or how long he watered it the tree gave him nothing…”
Applejack’s tone becomes more serious as she moves on to the darker side of her tale, her once jubilant smile morphing into that of a shadowy scowl.
“Now grandpappy Autumn waited and waited, by now he had managed to plant a few other trees on his land. And though they bore his family some much needed product he jus’ never seemed to have enough, he worked day and night to try and support his family and farm. Not to mention he had to prepare for the upcoming winter, which was supposed to be the biggest Equestria had seen in a long long time. He gathered what he could while he could but when the snow fell it didn’t take long for what he had stored to run drah. With a starvin’ family and no way to feed them grandpappy Autumn ventured out onto his farm in search of whatever he could. When he finally came to the tree he had planted so many years ago to his surprise he found that there was a single apple.”
Applejack smiles and nods her head at the golden piece of produce in her hooves. “Just like this one right here. He bucked it down and took it home, great grandpappy’s family survived off this for a whole week until it was all gone. But when he went back out, there it was again. It was thanks to that tree and its golden apples that mah farm survived that rough year and became the Sweet Apple Acres ah own today!”
Applejack set the shining fruit back in its rightful place on the cart. “And even to this day that old tree still manages to sprout out one of these babies every few years. But every kind of apple needs a name, so we started calling ‘em Golden Autumn’s. I’ve had one mahself and ah can tell yah they are the single most delicious apple ah have ever tasted!” Applejack licks her lips in a way that Rarity must have found completely uncouth; judging by the way the fussy unicorn curled her lip in disgust and took a defensive step back.
“That’s quite the story miss Applejack.” You say with a smile. “So how much is it worth?”
“Why thank yah sugarcube.” Applejack replies to your comment, before she frowns a little. “But ah’m afraid since these apples right here are so rare I gotta sell ‘em pretty high. If yall want it yall will have ta hand over seventy bits.”
You do a slight double take, seventy bits was a lot of money to spend on just one apple…not to mention you were already pretty strapped on cash due to your current lack of a job. But Applejack had said it was the most delicious apple she had ever eaten. And being an apple farmer must have meant that she ate a lot of apples. So after a few moments of complex debate you made your decision.
Your coins clank loudly on the polished wood of the cart as you empty your wallet for the cowpony.
“Why thank yah kindly partner.” Applejack smiles at you while scooping up your hard earned bits with a hoof, once you see them all disappear and notice how much lighter your wallet seems to feel you can’t help but feel a tingle of regret begin to worm its way into your chest.
Too late to back out now… you think to yourself while watching Applejack slam the drawer where she keeps her bits closed.
But you feel these doubts get pushed to the back of your mind as Applejack hands you your prize. You grin sheepishly as you examine the fruit, your mouth salivating at the thought of its deliciousness; it was also noticeably heavier than any other apple you had held before, no doubt due to its illustrious size. Oh yeah this will certainly be worth every bit you spent! You open your mouth, ready to take one big, delicious, juicy chunk out of this wonderful piece of fruit…then you stop yourself.
Out of the corner of your eye you spot Rarity, hanging her head low and looking completely dejected. You frown slightly; looking at her now you’d think that watching somepony eat this apple was the worst possible thing that could happen.
“Um…I’m sorry miss Rarity, was this the apple you wanted?” You begin to speak without even really thinking.
Rarity looks up, her shining blue eyes meeting with yours. Almost as if she had forgotten you were there before she lets out a quick laugh and waves it off with a hoof.
“Oh don’t worry about me dear!” She laughs again, though it sounds fake and forced. “I’ll just find something else to eat. Go on enjoy your apple you spent quite a few bits on it!”
Rarity’s words of encouragement should have been enough for you, if it wasn’t so obvious that she really wanted this fruit. And the gentlecolt in you demanded that you put the smile back on Rarity’s face.
“Are you sure?”
“Oh yes! Don’t worry about me; to be honest I’m not even all that hungry.” A loud rumble from her stomach apparently begs to differ. She daintily places a hoof to her face, attempting to hide the blush stinging her cheeks. “Oh my, I-I do apologize sir! That was terribly unladylike of me!” Her eyes shoot up, as if studying you for a reaction, before quickly shifting back towards the ground in a flash.
Wait…was she apologizing to you? How odd, you’d bumped into Rarity around town enough times to piece together her personality and it did seem like she would think a rumbling stomach was unladylike. But that wouldn’t explain why she seemed so worried about what you would think.
“Hey, don’t worry about it. You can’t help what your body does.” You try and get the mare to relax, giving her a laid back smile.
This however only seemed to increase Rarity’s anxiety. “But still such a noise is so, uncouth, so dirty!” She leaves her mouth open to continue only to snap it closed as another rebellious rumble escapes her stomach. She now hangs her head, a flood of red overtaking her usual pale face. “Oh…oh dear,”
You look at her, and then at the apple you had just spent a small fortune on. Just do it! The gentlecolt in your head makes his presence known again. Don’t forget how much this cost you foal! While the more sensible side of your brain seems to scream at you for the opposite course of action. You wait just a moment, contemplating your course of action before the kinder side of you wins the inner debate. And with a small unnoticeable sigh you hold out the Autumn Gold for the unicorn to take.
Rarity tears her gaze from the ground, only for it to be met by the golden apple. Her Azure eyes dart up to your face, wordlessly asking you for permission.
You smile at her. “Well go on. I’m giving it to you.”
“Are you certain? You spent so much money on it…” Rarity’s words register surprise, but your resolve doesn’t waver.
“Oh don’t worry about it Miss Rarity. Seeing you full and happy is worth every bit.” Too bad happiness doesn’t pay the bills! The sensible part of your brain speaks up again, only for you to squash it back down.
Rarity’s magic envelops the apple, whisking it away. Her gaze falls on it like a predator that had just caught its prey. You imagine that if Rarity was any less persnickety she would have torn the golden apple apart, but instead she manages to salvage her ladylike persona at the last minute and take a single, petite, chunk out of it. She chews once, then twice, before her mind seems to go blank, the taste overloading her senses.
She swallows. “That…is the single most delicious thing I have ever eaten in my entire life.” Rarity spoke in a breathy whisper. A single sliver of you manages to feel jealous, considering that was practically your life’s savings she was eating. But still the rest of you feels all warm and fuzzy for making her so happy.
Rarity’s eyes land on you, an expression of pure gratitude and…something else you couldn’t quite place. “I…can’t thank you enough for this.”
You smile and wave off her gratitude with a hoof. “Think nothing of it Miss Rarity; a true gentlecolt would never leave a mare to starve.”
“That’s just Rarity to you darling.” Suddenly, and much to your surprise, Rarity gives a dainty peck of her lips to your cheek, causing you to blush noticeably as electric tingles run up and down your spine at the gesture. “Do come by my Carousel if you need anything my dear gentlecolt.” She pulls away and takes another bite of the golden apple, chewing thoroughly before swallowing. “I’m afraid I’ll be taking my leave now, I have much business to attend to. Goodbye dear Applejack.”
The cowpony nods. “Yep, you too Rare,”
Her gaze flutters back to you. “I…” There’s something there in Rarity’s voice you can’t quite place, you would almost be willing to say she was acting bashful, if that didn’t seem so unlike the Rarity you had become acquainted with. “…hope to see you again.”
“I’m sure you will Miss Rarity.”
She giggles. Though you’re not really sure why before she turns around and heads towards her boutique, chewing happily on her golden apple all the way.
“Ah gotta admit that there was pretty generous o’ yah.” Applejack’s southern accent brings you out of your thoughts.
You smile at the comment, you always were known for being rather generous to your fellow pony. “Well, she seemed like she needed it more than me.”
Applejack ‘mhm’s in that typical sarcastic way that mare’s seemed able to pull off in a particularly pride stabbing way. “Yall sure ya ain’t just trying to get into her bed?”
You reel back at the accusation, looking at Applejack for some sign indicating it was a joke. Instead all you find is a deadpan expression, the cowpony’s honest eyes digging into your very soul.
“Of course not!” You shout at Applejack, finding yourself incredibly offended by the insinuation. Your parent’s had raised you to treat mares with respect. Not like some kind of fancy saddle to ride once or twice then toss in the garbage as soon as the newer more impressive one appears. “I’d never do something like that!”
Applejack holds up her hooves defensively in an attempt to calm you down. “Easy there partner, ah didn’t mean nothin’ by it!” You take a deep breath, though you refuse to remove your scowl. “It’s just, well mah brothers Big Macintosh and…he’s told me some about you.”
You pause slightly at this. Of course you should have guessed this was your drinking buddy’s sister. There was only one Sweet Apple Acres in Ponyville and on the off chance when the red stallion actually spoke it was always about one of four things. Apples, work, more apples, or his family, the fact that these two were related didn’t really come as a surprise at all considering you’d heard him mention the orange mare once or twice. No what you found off was that Big Mac had told her about your numerous attempts at relationships...you were pretty sure he didn’t spill the beans on anything particularly embarrassing…or…you hoped he didn’t anyway.
“It’s jus’, he’s seen you with many a mare, or so ahm told anyway!” Applejack is quick to add after another disgruntled squint of your eyes in her general direction. “And well…Rarity’s a close friend o’ mine, an’ I don’t want her to get involved with somepony who’d hurt her is all.”
So that was the reason Applejack had even bothered to initiate a conversation, and no doubt the offensive words were just the byproduct of her rather blunt personality. You could understand that you suppose, but that didn’t mean her words hadn’t struck a nerve.
“Yeah well apparently you don’t know me very well Miss Applejack.” You tell her, a slight edge to your voice. You weren’t exactly upset at her any longer, after all she was just looking out for her friend, but you still felt like your pride had taken a hit.
“Your right and ah apologize.” You look over; she does seem genuinely upset about her accusation.
“Hey, it’s okay…I shouldn’t have snapped.” You apologize yourself.
“Well shoot, ah’m glad we worked it out partner. Say…yall might actually want to ya know, do something with Rare sometime.” Applejack sort of slides in the last part, somewhat surprising you, a few minutes ago she was accusing you of being a stallion who lusted after every mare in sight, and now she’s trying to get you to date her friend? Or maybe you’d misheard her?
“I don’t really know about that Miss Applejack…” You shift on your hooves nervously. “Rarity doesn’t really seem like the type that would be…I don’t know…interested in somepony like me.”
“Well ah don’t really know about that…” Applejack mumbles out, though you can’t hear her over the sound of chattering ponies around you.
“Besides I’m kind of already seeing someone.” The thought of your date is quickly brought back to the forefront of your mind.
“Oh, uh, really?” Applejack’s face tightens up and the words she uttered come out sounding kind of like their hiding something. But with your date drawing nearer as time ticks by you don’t stop to examine this.
“Yeah, speaking of which I should really go!” You rear back on your hooves and start trotting away, turning your head back as you see Applejack slowly begin to fade into the crowd of ponies behind you. “Say hi to Big Mac for me!”
You’re fairly confident you hear her shout something back, but you can’t quite make out the words. That’s okay; you don’t have time to worry about it.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
You stop for a breather as you find yourself only a couple blocks away from your date’s abode. You quickly take a gander at yourself in the reflection from a shop’s window, the pendant hanging around your neck gleaming brightly in the sun’s rays; you flip it around with a flick of your head so it doesn’t glare in your reflection. You smooth down your wild mane with a few dabs of a hoof and give a big toothy smile to your reflection. Ensuring nothing embarrassing was left on them from an earlier meal. This earned you a perplexed stare from the store owner, before she gives a shrug and returns to reading the book laid out in-front of her. In a town as crazy as Ponyville a stallion making stupid faces at his own reflection was no doubt one of the lesser interesting things she’d seen.
Deciding since you were almost there you’d walk the next block or two, ensuring you didn’t mess up your mane any further and giving you a moment to think. You don’t particularly want to reflect on your past, or think about today, so you allow your mind to drift. Your thoughts bounce around between thinking of nothing to something trivial or unimportant then back to nothing. But eventually that gets boring and your thoughts grow more complex. As you near the house of your date you start to feel a twinge of anxiety begin to form.
In order to reassure yourself and ease the doubt fogging up your mind you began to think about the best way to approach the start of this date.
You’ll walk up, keep your head clear so you don’t say anything stupid, check over yourself one last time, making sure your rebellious mane hasn’t stuck itself up once again, clear your throat so it comes out deep and strong, then once satisfied with everything else you’ll knock.
“Why hello there gorgeous, are you ready to be treated like the princess you are?” You’ll answer suavely, in your mind this makes you the most eloquent and handsome stallion on Equestria. Though in reality it would probably get a door slammed in your face, but no reason to ruin your little fantasy with realism.
“Oh my dear gentlecolt, you do know how to make a lady blush.” Wait…that wasn’t right.
You snap back into reality, shaking your head back and forth to clear the most recent image from your mind. Standing at the door in your fantasy, wasn’t the mare you had been so eager to have a date with earlier today…but instead the one you had met only mere minutes ago.
“Rarity…” You mumble.
Why was she there in place of Lily? The flower shop sister you had recently grown attached to and the mare you were currently about to pay a visit to. Your fantasy suddenly makes a surprising…if not terribly unwanted...return. Except this time there were some key differences,
In place of the small green and yellow house you’d been frequenting for the past week was Rarity’s illustrious Carousel Boutique. And you weren’t putting on a false air of confidence in order to impress the mare inside, there was no cocky grin, no cliché words ripped straight out of an awful romance novel, and no need to build yourself up to something you weren’t, everything about it just felt…right.
As a matter of fact you exchange no words, you smile at her and she smiles back, her radiant face sending your heart aflutter. Suddenly she reaches up, her face mere inches from yours when-
“Stop it!” You order yourself, the fantasy dissipating as you push it away.
You had a great thing going with Lily at the moment and you absolutely refused to let this relationship get ruined like all the others because your thoughts kept drifting back to a mare that you hadn’t even talked to up until today.
Speaking of ruined relationships you can’t help but reflect on your checkered past with numerous mares around Ponyville, when you moved here from Manehattan you had expected your city colt charm and educated wit would be able to win you a stable marefriend. You were wrong…
Over the course of the last few months as the newcomer in town you had waded through numerous attempts at romance. Only for each and every one of them to end in total and complete failure. The first breakup was the only time you had ever put a stop to a relationship yourself; there was a young cellist that had been visiting her sister in town for a few weeks. It didn’t take long to introduce yourself and get things going, what you found strange though was how she constantly wanted to push you towards the bedroom part of the relationship, as if she didn’t really care for any of the other stuff.
You would be lying if you said that bothered you; living in Manehattan had refined you to the point where you didn’t just give it up to anypony who wanted it. But you were definitely willing to skip the dinner date and get right to the fun if she wanted…you weren’t that refined. But there were certain things you simply would not do, every stallion has his limit and it turns out that yours was when whips, chains, and hot candlewax got involved.
Needless to say you weren’t too eager to keep seeing her after that whole…debacle. But it seemed like that might have been as good as you were going to get. Every mare after that, if they didn’t shoot you down right away, would drag things out just long enough for you to get attached and then stomp on your heart like it was their own personal doormat. You’d had your feelings hurt in every way possible, one had said you were too ugly for her taste, another said she preferred mares, another had been cheating on you, one had stolen a good portion of your furniture, pawned it, then run off to Hollyhoof, and those were some of the less painful memories.
Yeah it was experiences like these that had tainted your opinion of romance. You had almost been willing to give up, and then along came Lily. Lily didn’t seem like the rest, she was kind, smart, funny, and gorgeous; she was pretty much your ideal mare. You couldn’t wait to take her out tonight and treat her the way she deserved.
You round the corner of the busy Ponyville street, once again positively radiant with joy. Your previous worries about today forgotten as you picture the perfect evening out with Lily. Though…it’s now you decide to notice the strangest of things, it wasn’t very important per say, but something you had failed to notice previously about every single one of your botched relationships.
On the day when they went sour, every single one of your marefriends had said the same exact thing before they shattered your heart.
“We need to talk.” Four simple words that seemed to spell doom for you.
How odd, you recount the final moments before every termination of your romantic pursuits, all of them began with that very same fraise. You had even said it yourself once, before you broke it off with that cello player. Even stranger still, it didn’t seem like those words were spoken solely for the reason of destroying your relationships…but you could also recall hearing them every time something catastrophically awful was about to happen to you as well.
When you’d hurt yourself thanks to that accident and lost most of your bits you remembered Mrs. Cake saying…those words...to you earlier in the day. She had only wanted your opinion on a new flavor of frosting she had come up with. But that didn’t change the fact that she had said…those words…your boss had used…those words…right before he had kicked your can to the curb. The royal guards had used…those words…when they hauled you away. And you vaguely recalled listening to a song titled with…those words…right before you left your house the other day, followed by it burning down.
You can’t suppress a shiver that runs throughout your body as you think about it. It was honestly scary…almost eerie in a way. You make a quick mental note to avoid that particular string of words at all costs in the near future. You weren’t superstitious by any means, but there wasn’t any reason for you not to be careful.
You look up, finding yourself on the cobblestone steps leading to Lily’s door, and though it warms your heart to see the familiar bright painted wood of her home and the row of flowers she has set up along the stone patio you still can’t quite clear your head about the whole strangeness of the thing. Though after a few moments of concentration you manage to push those gloomy thoughts away.
So long as I don’t hear those words everything’ll be fine! You reinforce your confidence, raising your hoof to knock on the door.
*Bang*
*Bang*
There’s a loud creak that fills the air as the rusty hinges on the door bend backwards. You smile brightly at the sight of your current marefriend.
“Hi Lily!” You greet her merrily, the smile on your face stretching as she opens the door the rest of the way.
Though it feels as if a dark cloud falls over you when you see the pink mare’s expression, she’s frowns as soon as her eyes fall on you. Before she shrinks back slightly, almost as if she’s either afraid or repulsed by your appearance at her door.
“Oh…uh…hey…’you’” She says after a moment of hesitation, it didn’t even seem like she remembered your name. Lily’s brown eyes dart around sporadically, like she’s looking for some kind of exit.
You swallow hard, feeling your mouth go dry and your throat contract. There’s no way this can end well...
“Is…something wrong?” You offer the tiniest sliver of hope still remains in your voice; maybe she’s just worried about something else?
“NO! Of course not it’s just…” She looks down at the ground shifting from one hoof to another. The movement betraying how obviously nervous she is. “…we need to talk.”
You feel the color drain from your face….
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
A/N, so I’ve never actually written anything like this before, due to the fact I more or less thought second person shipping fics were barely a step up from terrible self inserts, but after perusing a couple I thought it would be interesting to try my hand at one. Be sure to let me know what you think, based on reception I may or may not continue this considering it wasn’t something I was really focusing on all that much when I wrote it. So if you did enjoy it let me know you turkeys!
My Little Pony is copyright Lauren Faust yada yada yada you get the gist.
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Not too bad at all. Good length, paced decently and reasonably well written. You are missing a few commas here and there but nothing too major. I will say, however, that your decision to keep the name Ditzy was... Interesting haha.
Keep up the good work!
This is pretty good I cant wait for more
Moar.
207594 Thank you very much. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any other mistakes such as those, and as for the choice to keep Derpy's name as Ditzy, at the time of writing the episode where her name was actually written hadn't aired. And I really only found this sitting in my files today, I'd almost forgotten I'd written it so I only did some minor changes and then posted it.
Thought this was pretty good really. Looking forward to more!
Damn! I just got crushed!
Ah, I love it. These stories fly or fail based on the mane character being too perfect (or a perfect fit for another character, made for shipping purposes and having little depth) or too tragic. You DO seem to skirt the line a little bit with the perfectness and the tragicness, but I don't feel like it overwhelms this character, not yet, because, well, he HAS character. It feels like he's the focus, not just the romance, and that's refreshing for an OC story. I like this character and I want to see what happens next to him.
Good work, and keep that balance up with your character.
207965 Yeah that's my problem with OC stories as well and I really tried to avoid it. I really wanted to keep him from being too attractive too loveable and too perfect, because a character without flaws is a badly written character. But thanks! I appreciate it.
I was a little leery of an introduction over 6,000 words, but it managed to hold my attention until the end.
I like how you start with something broad and then whittle down the uncertainty with small details. Best example being at the end. Broadness of just "bad luck with mares" then giving examples, reinforced by showing outside instances, and brought to a point of the four certain words which you then jam into the reader and leave them wanting more.
Which is, I guess, a way of saying that I'm wanting more. Definitely looking forward to seeing where you take it.
207995 Thank you, I appreciate it very much.
ts1.mm.bing.net/images/thumbnail.aspx?q=1622122037796&id=537344192defdd593fae9fb0beeb210e
MUST... HAVE... MOAR
Wonderful story, I can't wait for the next chapter! I'm really enjoying your writing style in this kind of story, and even though you haven't done something like this before, I assure you that you did a great job!
See ya! :D
"Oh...uh... hey...'you',"
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The only way that can get even more awkward is if she slowly closes the door without saying anything else.
...Anyway, I like this! Nicely written, just the right length (Unless you plan to make the chapters longer after this introduction... Then uh... It's not enough!), nice pacing, too. Characters feel real and there are no glaring spelling or grammar mistakes. Atleast, none that made me stop to read the whole sentence again.
Keep up the awesome work!
233535 Thank you! I appreciate it, and second chapter will probably be either equal to or longer in length. I'm still kind of ironing it out.
I love such stories ! Great job have a cupcake th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2012/093/d/c/derpy_hooves_loves_dat_muffin_by_dexsterthewolf-d4uuqof.jpg
i try and try... to read this... but when I read that 2nd person style I just lose motivation.
I'm sure this story has merit... but thats just not how I'd act in ponyville. I'd prolly be trying to kill pinkie pie with a sword and she would be thinking its some sorta game.
and the whole town would be too use to it at this point to bother intervening.
802577
thats a muffin.
cupcakes are things with crap on top. not inside.
Umm, this just hit my Spelling Spetsnaz nerve...
"all of them began with that very same fraise"
The word is phrase, not fraise. It just hit me in the face when reading it.
“You're right and ah apologize.”
y'all
Not bad. I'll read more later.
"Ditzy Doo and her daughter" is one of those things that I felt skeptical of initially, but have since become attached to the cuteness of the whole idea that however much of a, say, 'goofball' she may or not be seen as on the show, she can actually be a caring and devoted parent.
So I'm currently rereading this (cuz it's fantastic), and I know it's got other stuff going on, but... Seriously...
Thanks to this, I now have the image of Octavia being into BDSM permanently etched into my head.
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Yay! I finally have a chance with my favorite member of the mane six! Erm... I mean, great introduction! Yeah, that's it...
I shall now dub the main character: Protagonist!
1935892 good thing. DEFINITELY A GOOD THING.
1993035 I appreciate that. Sorry about the late reply, and I'm sure you've already decided whether or not it's worth your time. But just in case I want to apologize if somebody has been causing you problems about it.
We need to talk...pffft bahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
u made my night brony!!! like and favorite
"The sensible part of your brain speaks up again, only for you to squash it back down."
Sounds like me sometimes. (Jumps on smart half of brain and stomps on it) Sounds kinda like, "Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!!!!!!!!"
Anyway, good story so far. I would favorite it but first...we need to talk...
This story looks pretty interesting. I'll definitely read more later.
I'll have to thank Jet Howitzer for pointing me to this one.
First OC story I've read, and it's great. Certainly jealous of your skill.
It's only the first chapter but at first I was like
then when Lily said "We need to talk" I was like 
He ..... Broke up with .... Tavi?
but you know what i'm not even mad
to be honest, i like your story, but since im working on my own fics right now reading such lengthy stories isn't such a good idea for me right now
However... i'll follow and mark this to be read later. for now i've read the introduction
also, do you like Agents of shield? if you do check out page.
Phrase. Fraise is a culinary term to refer to a strawberry.
6869905 I think it needs to be refraised