Scootaloo's father is called back to active duty in Canterlot. These are the letters he sends her and the stories around them.
Takes place in the same universe as Trial of the Champion
Inspired by Funeral Song
Cover art by koboldthief
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 13th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 20th, 2018
Laarsgaard
Average Brony I guess, I've been writing for a long time and decided to try my hand ad fanfiction so here I am.
Laarsgaard
Joined 13th Nov, 2012 ·
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Not bad, certainly room for improvement, but overall a likeable enough beginning.
In general, your grammar seems be on par, but I did notice a few comma splices here and there, in addition to some words that should've been hyphenated as well as at least one missing period. So, setting that aside, let's look at the actual meat of the chapter: the emotional stuff.
Frankly, not very emotional, at least not to me. Scootaloo, as we've seen in the show, isn't the type of pony to break down into "uncontrollable sobs". She'd be sad, sure, probably even angry. But to say that she'd become a mess of sloppy tears seems rather out of character for her. So when she does this (multiple times) I can't really bring myself to see her as Scootaloo because the Scootaloo I know wouldn't do that. Then it just becomes a somewhat trite story about a father who gets dragged away from his daughter by the
ArmyEquestrian Royal Guard for ambiguous "reasons". Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this story is bad, or that the idea itself is inherently bad, but rather that you should do something unique to make it more likeable. As it stands, it's more of a generic sadfic about Scootaloo'sdeadmostly dead parents, and how she's sooooooo broken up about it. You have to give it something to make it stand out from the crowd. It needs a heart and soul that we can grasp onto and care about. Scootaloo should be who we empathize with the most, but I couldn't even begin to muster up the slightest bit of care when her dad leaves. It all happens so suddenly, and we're never really given a chance to see their relationship (Scoots and her dad's) before it gets torn away. Now, presumably their relationship will be fleshed out more as the story progresses, but if you want people to stick with it, you have to hook them right away. Give them a reason to give a crap about Scootaloo, or her dad. Of course, all this is easier said than done, but no one ever said writing well was easy.So those are my major problems with the story so far. It's rather melodramatic; I have no reason to care about anything; Scootaloo is sort of whiny as compared to her show counterpart; her dad is a cardboard cutout who only speaks in cliched lines about his dead wife; and finally, he's oddly formal when speaking to his sister-in-law:
Is he talking to his sister or accepting an Academy award?
Anyway, I don't dislike this, but I'm finding it hard to really like, unfortunately. Right now, I'm more neutral than anything. If you really want people to care, you gotta kick 'em in the pants emotionally, but that doesn't mean laying on the melodrama thicker than a Sunday afternoon soap opera. It means showing us real emotions. Not just telling us the characters are feeling emotions and so should we.
2591480
I've seen the grammatical errors in this, but I have not been able to edit this for him. I certainly wish I could have, but his computer died so he's typing that thing on a bucking kindle, so I can forgive him. I'm not so perfect when I work with my phone. All in all, though, it did a good job wrecking my feels. After I read this, I near shed a tear. I don't cry.
<3 DarqFox
2592174
Yikes, I can only imagine the pain of having to type on Kindle. As I said though, the grammatical errors are fairly minor and pretty forgivable, it's the actual story I have a problem with.
Perhaps it's just me being difficult to please, but nary a single feel was felt when I read this. It certainly tried hard to make me feel things, but I think that's its problem. You shouldn't have to try hard to get people to feel emotion. It should be more natural than that, but again, perhaps I'm just being overly critical. I'm merely offering my opinion (albeit in a somewhat aggressive way).
Oh, and one other thing I forgot to mention in my original comment. The sentence structure is pretty uniform throughout the whole chapter. Roughly speaking, it seemed that 75% of the sentences were the standard "Subject verb(ed) a noun" and it sort of gets a little stale after awhile. Here's a random example of what I'm talking about:
While I actually really like the city as it's described later on, this paragraph is comprised only of sentences that all follow the same basic structure. They all start with the subject and then the verb and finally what is being verbed. This is actually pretty simple to fix, for example:
See, in this example, there's still sentences that follow that basic structure, and that's okay. It's just, when you have nothing but simple sentences, and no compound ones, it gets a little boring to read. Obviously, you want to avoid having nothing but compound sentences as they can get tedious as well. It's all about striking a balance.
Anyway, I've gone and rambled for far too long again. Sorry if the last comment came off as an attack, or some other such thing. My intention was merely to provide what I felt was useful advice. I like to help people when and where I can.
2592856 dude, what you've said compares little to what has been said on my other stories. And what you said got very little reaction out of me. I'll say here and now you didn't enjoy the story and not every story is for everyone. for me the emotion felt natural, at least from what I've experienced personally. The only part I feel some explanation should be offered is in Scootaloo acting OOC, with the sobbing. It does seem over dramatic but her mother's death being so recent and now her father is leaving as well. Emotionally I tried to put my own feelings into the story and have a story concerning my head canon for Scootaloo. Again you didn't enjoy the story but that has no bearing on me. As to the kindle thing, it was quite the pain.