• Published 14th Jun 2013
  • 1,380 Views, 29 Comments

En Taro, Equestria - Saacsa



A United Earth Directorate Viking pilot is whisked away with his best friend to a new world where plenty of surprises await.

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League of Cheaters

Ty and I came to a stop, panting heavily with our hands on our knees.

“God… Damn… That… Bitch… Can… Fly!” I exclaimed before planting my knees in the grass. A small pomf barely registered over my, admittedly slow, train of thoughts. They proceeded as such:

1: Oh, hey grass. You’re soft.

2: And not very tasty.

3: But really comfy.

4: And kinda itchy.

5: But really comfy.

“Whew, I… haven’t… ran like that… since basic.” I slurred, getting up.

“I… know… right…” Ty panted out.

“Alright, let’s… whew… finish this little race.” I said and bolted off. Ty quickly followed, but shook his head while muttering:

“We’re such losers.” To which I responded,

“I’m not a loser, I’m a wiiiieeennneerrr!” And took off even faster. I heard him laugh as he caught up. Finally, we saw the white mass of fur ahead of us. She was talking to something that resembled a pony. It’s ears twitched towards us right before it’s head. When it saw us, its eyes shot up at the speed of a bullet. Muttering something under its breath, it strode towards us with an air of awe. From where I was currently standing, I examined the broader individual and discerned it to be a male. It was obviously equine in origin, but something had morphed him into something more.

“They really are…” The thing said upon closer inspection of us, “Terran.” He breathed the word, getting a sharp intake of breath from me.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “The last of the United Earth Directorate. Provided there aren't still some hunkered down in the Koprulu.” The hope in his eyes faded and he scoffed.

“Only two? Should’ve known. Damn my luck.” He spat. "And for the record, the only ones left in Koprulu from your Earth Directorate are slaves to Kerrigan."

“Stone Kiss, these are our new minds on the war at hoof-”

“Princess, with all due respect, this is no war. This is systematic slaughter. The only reason we’re still alive is because they want us to be. Their leader thrives on fear, and they are more than capable of instilling it. Without more advanced weaponry, I know we shall be doomed.” Stone Kiss said.

Now that sentence got me thinking. About a way we could possibly save this damned place, along with our own asses. The idea was brilliant, a testament to my genius. I could definitely prove our worth on this planet. All I had to do was open my mouth, take a deep breath, and-

“The fuck are you?” Ty asked. -And I lost it. Great. Thanks man.

“I am General Stone Kiss, former leader of the late Forward Operating Base outside of the Crystal Empire.” They blathered on, ignorant of the fact that my train of thought officially pulled a Borderlands 2. “Now, I am but a mutated, pony-zerg hybrid. A successful mutation, I may add.” He said.

“Successful?” Celestia asked, to which Stone Kiss gave a stiff nod.

“You would weep if you saw a failed one.” He stated grimly, “In any case, I must see my family, then speak to Luna.”

“You should speak with Luna first, she knows where your family is,” Celestia said, “And you will be accompanied by these two.” She nodded at us, and before we could protest, she added, “Think of it as an exercise in trust. Meet back in the War Tent when you are done. And Stone Kiss… My condolences.” She said and disappeared in a flash. I could feel the infected stallions heart skip a beat.

“I hope she was referring to my new form…” He shook his head, “I don’t suppose either of you know where Luna is?” We both shrugged.

“Last I heard, she was getting a hot meal and some rest.” An unconscious smirk wormed its way onto my face.

“Stone,” Another guard came from our left, “I can take you to her tent. You may want another soldier escorting you anyway.”

“Thank you, Shaft.” Ty and I both shared a look and light chortle

“Anytime, old friend.” Shaft started to walk away, us following behind.

“So, from where do you two hail?” Stone Kiss asked.

“Earth, Milky Way Galaxy, born and raised.” I answered, Ty nodded.

“Where is that?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I do know that it is dust now, though. Or that’s what the Protoss said, anyway.”

“Protoss?” Stone questioned, brow now raised in excitement.

“Yeah, Protoss guy. Said he was a Dark Templar and sent us here to ‘save the planet’, as cliche as it sounds.” I said.

“A Dark Templar...” He lit up. “Oh, Zeratul you clever bastard! If Zeratul is coming, we may just have a chance.” He laughed in elation.

“Why is that?” I asked after a moment.

“You’ll have to see for yourselves when he arrives.” Stone Kiss shrugged with a grin. Eventually, we reached a large, dark blue tent, Luna’s tramp-stamp emblazoned on the side. Inside, some soft snores sounded…

I think pony land is really getting to me. I’m frightened from forceful and freakishly- OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!

“Tom, you alright?” Ty asked, getting me to shake

“Alliteration’s an annoying asshole.” I said, rubbing my temple as he laughed.

Please make it stop!

“Princess Luna?” Shaft quietly called into the tent. Some ruffling sounded, a hushed curse, and soon Luna was standing outside, smirking at Ty and I.

“That was, admittedly, a good prank. I owe you.” She flashed a mischievous wink our way.

“Princess.” Stone Kiss interrupted, getting Luna to fall shock still. “We must speak, for I have many questions.” She turned to him and gasped, a look of sorrow etched into her eyes.

“Yes… Yes we do.” She croaked.

“But first, my family?” The Lunar Princess' face fell even farther into despair as her head hung.

“I’m sorry, Stone… I was able to save your foals, but… I was not fast enough for Velvet Rose.” She choked. Stone Kiss gritted his teeth, trying to hold back tears.

“Was it… At least painless?” He asked.

“You were in the Chrysalis, you know as well as I do how the Zerg are.” Luna sighed, getting tears to leak from Stone Kiss. “Go to your foals, they need you.” She said, looking at him firmly. “And Stone?” She softened, “I’m so, so sorry.” He paused long enough to thank her in a quiet voice before going into the tent.

“The bugs have ruined many innocent lives today.” I said, clenching my fists. “I’m glad I wore my boots.”

Epic one-liner=Complete.

“I fear you may need more than a boot for these beasts.” She said. That reminded of of a totally good idea that could possibly save all of existence, the one Ty had earlier made me lose due to his completely unnecessary question of what the ever-loving fuck Stone Kiss was. I mean, it was a good question, but it still made me lose this awesome thought.

“Unfortunately, the only thing we have is some snobby royal bastard as our ‘fellow general’.” Ty said.

God damn it!

I gritted my teeth, sighing bitterly. There went the thought. Again.

“What was his name?” Luna questioned warily.

“Oh, I don’t remember. Bloodbath, Bluebutt, Blueback…”

“Blueblood?” Luna asked, obviously hopping she was wrong. It was a shame that she wasn’t.

“Yeah! Blueballs.” Ty exclaimed.

“I must talk with Celestia about this,” She frowned, “We can not have him in our army in such a vital war.”

“Good luck, she seemed pretty adamant about keeping him in. Despite his… redeeming qualities.” I detested, “If he gets anyone killed out of stupidity or cowardice, I can’t promise he’ll make it back home. A pony like him doesn’t exactly come off as regretful.”

“Do not kill him, no matter what. His face when Tia exiles him will be well worth it.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. Luna scrunched up her face in thought, then said:

“Imagine you’re a child again, one that, no matter how bad you mess up, your mother does not punish you and continues to love you unconditionally. Now, imagine it’s been that way for 25 years.” She paused, a dramatic one accented by Ty’s whistle. “Now, imagine one day you mess up. Bad. You’ll think nothing of it, think yourself to be invincible. Then, your mother tells you that if you ever step hoof on her property again, she’ll execute you.” An evil smile crept onto Ty’s face, then soon faded to worry.

“Will it be worth the deaths he causes?” Ty asked, getting Luna's smile to drop.

Buzz Killington much?

“No…” Luna sighed, “But I’m afraid it’s the only thing that will let Celly see what kind of a monster he is.” She said with finality. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be there when Stone’s foals awake. They may not recognize him at first.” She said, striding back into her tent. I broke the silence.

“So, ‘bout that time, huh?” I asked.

“Cliche split up?” Ty smirked.

“What could possibly go wrong?” I completed the forbidden ritual with a smile. Ty just shook his head and sighed.

“Fate’s gonna murder us.” He chuckled as his feet moved to a random direction. Mine soon did the same.

~~~

“Adjutant, pull up a geographical scan of the planet’s surface where the explosion went off.” Jim Raynor ordered, pressing a few buttons.

“Scanning… Scanning… Geographical scan complete.” The AI said, pulling up an image of the landscape.

“My god…” He breathed, wide eyes gazing upon the smoldering ruins of what could only be a Zerg Hive Cluster.

“Jim…” Matt said hesitantly.

“I know. But… By god if the Zerg are here, there has to be an indigenous population.” He gestured to the scene before them, “And some powerful ones at that.”

“Adjutant, scan multiple areas within 3,000 miles of that blast.” Matt said.

“Scanning… Scanning… Scanning…”

“Jimmy, are you sure it’s worth it?” Matt asked.

“Matt… First we blast Kerrigan with the artifact, but it does nothing. Then she drops off of the grid and we get coordinates from Zeratul to a planet with Zerg on it? One that, not long after we initiate travel, has a class 11 psionic explosion take place? The artifact may have originally been a failure, but maybe we were just missing a piece…” Raynor said.

"Is that piece worth the lives of everyone on board?" Matt narrowed his eyes.

"This again? Matt, this is more than us. This is the whole universe at stake! I gave you your choice, follow me into hell or don't. I won't judge you, no matter what you choose." Raynor adopted much of the same look.

“Scan complete. Showing map now. Life signs detected in lighted areas.” A mass of multiple maps came up, the lighted ones taking precedence. They displayed steel armored beings walking through an obvious encampment.

“Are those… Tents?” Horner asked, getting a smile from Jim.

“And... horses?" He laughed, “It looks as if they’re in medieval style armor, though.” Raynor contemplated, “I just hope they can survive one more day.” He shook his head grimly.

~~~

Ty walked through the bustling camp, attempting to find the neighborhood douche, Blueballs. And, of course, lose his stalker. Do these ponies realize they suck at sneaking? He thought, putting a hand in his pocket and fingering a knife he’d plucked from the war room. He turned into a small alcove, hidden from view, and then further hid himself. He didn’t have to wait long for the sound of wing flaps turning into hoofsteps to reach his ears. He pulled out the knife and held it close, waiting for the pony to come into view, when she did, he silently stepped out and pressed the knife into her wings’ joint, earning a yelp.

“Scream, and you lose it. Tell me why you’re stalking me, or you lose it.” He said darkly.

“T-To s-see if you were a-as you s-said!” She all but moaned. Ty drew back quickly.

“Was that turning you on?” He asked flatly. She took a deep breath and turned around.

“Yes, Pegasus or Thestral wings are highly sensitive.” She smirked.

“So what is it you want?” Ty asked, venom lacing his voice.

“You.” She purred, knocking the knife from his hand as she jumped on top of him.

Oh god, every fucking world is the same.

“You know...” He started darkly, “I eviscerated the last person who tried to rape me.”

“Kinky…” She breathily giggled, moving a hoof to his-

“NOPE!” He exclaimed and bitchslapped her so hard she flew off of him. She hit the ground with a dull thud, clearly knocked out. “Sick bitch.” He spat. He had a half second warning of wing flaps before a sharp pain hit the back of his head and he was out like a light. As he lost consciousness, he silently hoped his best friend wasn’t being stabbed.

~~~

I was dreading my encounter with Blueballs. I did NOT want to deal with another high and mighty prick, like I had to deal with back on Earth. Earth, it was a worthy topic to dwell on. I mean, could Ty and I possibly adjust and make a life here? We’d already pissed off the rulers and apparent deity's of this place. I guess high school was right in the “Most Likely to Get Kicked Out of a Foreign Nation.” balot. There was one person who didn’t put us up for that, though. Charlie. Oh yeah, and that one really creepy chick who had a crush on Ty. But Charlie is the focus here. She’s the girl I could always count on, the one who’d never let me down, the one who’d be there for me when no one else could, the one I… but things were different now. For one, Charlie was a horse. And for two, I made peace with it when we buried her. My thoughts were rudely interrupted by stumbling into a very lavish tent.

“This thing must be white silk and sewn together by 24 karrot gold with a needle pulled precariously from Celestia’s anus. With flaming teezers. On her period. With a-”

“ENOUGH!” A snobbish voice screamed.

“Oh shit, I said that out loud.”

“Yes you did, you ruffian! And I challenge thee to a duel at high noon on the ‘morrow!” Blueballs walked up to me, proceeding to slap me in the face with a white glove. Why the fuck do horses have gloves?

>Awhellnaw.jpg

“For the honor of Princess Cel-” Was as far as he got before I decked him in the muzzle.

“Slap me again, and your nose isn’t the only thing that will break.” I growled, “And if you want to duel, we’ll be doing it now. Not after I cool off.” I snarled, offering a hand. He glared and got up on his own, not even breaking eye contact as he swiftly ordered his guards to get two pristine swords. Which got me thinking about that idea I’d had. The one that met our requirements for defeating this Zerg threat.

“Insult Celestia again, you filthy dog, and I’ll-” A firm backhand shut Blueballs up.

“God damn it! Why is it that whenever I get this god damn idea, somebody’s gotta open their fucking mouths?!” I roared, getting some strange glances, which turned to looks of grateful curiosity as they noticed Blueblood on the ground. His guards arrived back, carrying two gorgeous swords, gems embedded into their golden hilts and sun gleaming from their silver blades. As I looked upon these beauties, I scoffed. Now, I know a thing or two about swords. And, while these were showfully crafted, they were meant for just that. Show.

“Excuse me, sir, may I borrow your sword?” I asked the nearest guard. He was so surprised he had to step back, but handed me the sword regardless. A broadsword, steel, perfectly weighted.

Say what you will about them, but these Equestrians make damn good broadswords.

I tested the blades edge, it slightly nicking my finger, then swung it a few times to get a good feel for it.

“Are you quite done yet?” Blueblood complained, brandishing his own sabre.

Sabre, more range and quicker movement, but my bi-ped body should counter that. I have more power and weight, I so got this.

Blueblood slowly rose to his hindhooves.

...Still a horse! Sic em!

Blueblood and I began to circle one another, daring the other to strike first.

"Your mother is a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries.” I said casually, throwing him off guard. I lunged in and attacked, barely nicking his cheek as he dodged. He swiped backwards wildly, trying, and failing, to hit me. “Your brother a hermaphrodite and your sister your brother, you inbred fuck!” I yelled getting him to pause long enough for me to dash forwards and cut into his side. He gasped and sidestepped, his sabre almost taking my ass off as he brought it down.

“Don’t dare slader my family, you damn dirty ape!” He flared his nostrils, getting me to point a finger at him and gasp dramatically.

“That’s racist!” I yelled and threw myself back at him. He dodged quite nicely, I’ll admit, even managing to get a few pieces of hair in his counter. “Bitch, I main Fiora!” I yelled and lunged at him with a burst of speed, ripostes and clashes echoing in an epic blade waltz. Finally, with one trip-strike, I exclaimed, “And Darius!” I yelled, jumping up in the air and bringing my sword down. He tried to block with his sabre in a fit of panic, but my larger, heavier, actual steel blade cut straight through it like butter. Ah, basic physical science, slam something really strong into something weaker and it snaps like a twig. Just before he got decimated by my guillotine, his horn lit up, apprehending my sword and therefore canceling my crippling strike.

League is love, League is life. That game survived damn near 500 years, it desereves the respect.

He flung my blade to the side, holding me in the air with a smirk.

“Looks like I win, monkey boy.” He said, running me through with his broken sabre. Agony arced through my body, setting my nerves on fire.

He missed my vitals, it looks like. I hope I don’t bleed out.

“But… I don’t even… Play Wukong…” I muttered, falling limply to the ground.

“I, Prince Blueblood, claim victory over the grounds of-” He started, but was interrupted by a brave guard.

“Cheating with magic?” She asked, getting him to fumble, a crushing blow to his ego.

Hey… When did the world start disappearing?

“Blueblood!” Celestia’s booming voice cut through the light fuzz in my ears. I saw her fly in like a cyclone, causing a nearby leaf to nimbly strike Blueblood’s outer decoy of calm.

“Auntie-” He smoothly tried.

“What have you done?” Celestia demanded, her anger clear in her low tone. Blueblood shrunk under her gaze, quivering.

“I-I-I w-was d-defending your honor!” He sputtered. She merely pointed to her tent down the way with her wing.

“We will talk later. As of now, this man requires medical attention.”

Thank you!

Blueblood hung his head and trudged towards Celestia’s tent. Celestia barked fading orders, and the last thing I remembered before waking was being picked up.

Author's Note:

Mego edito is good to go-go. Sorry this took forever. I thought I published it like a month ago, honestly. Then when I got on to check the progress so I could write some more after a busy month of moving, I find out my computer mucked it up. Go figure. Anyways, Stay Brony, my friends.

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