National Security
National Security
The Butterfly Garden was the oldest and grandest public garden in Equestria. The crown jewel of Canterlot, the garden was a gift to the city from Princess Fluttershy on her five hundredth birthday,sprawling over nearly ten square miles of perfectly preserved wilderness in the heart of the bustling Equestrian capitol. More of a small forest than a garden, the Butterfly Garden was surrounded by a wall of tall beige trees capped with pink leaves that towered over the nearby buildings and shaded the garden in a soothing half-light. Stepping through the woven vine archway and into the garden itself, one could almost be forgiven for forgetting they were in the middle of a city.
A magically enforced hush kept outside noise to a faint murmur and the soft light that filtered through the canopy filled the garden and everyone in it with a sense of ease. Hedge lined cobblestone trails guided visitors between the smaller flower gardens, picnic areas, and playgrounds scattered throughout the park. “Hidden” trails through the underbrush led to romantic rendezvous points and rushing rivers fed into a clear lake at the center of the garden nearly a mile across.
And everywhere, there were animals.
Nowhere in Equestria could you come so close to such a variety of animals in their natural environment. Rabbits and foxes bounded across the paths and stole from unsuspecting picnic baskets. Birds nestled in the canopy, singing an ever changing melody throughout the garden. Lions, tigers, and bears lounged on low hanging branches; generations of living in the park and Princess Fluttershy’s magic had made these fearsome predators docile if a little aloof. Rivers teemed with fish of every shape and size and the air was filled with thousands of butterflies lazily fluttering by on the breeze.
At the farthest end of the park was a secret known to just about everyone who spent enough time wandering the garden. Surrounded by tall hedges that concealed it from the public, the Butterfly Villa was the personal retreat of Princess Fluttershy and the only area of the gardens off limits to the general public. A small, unassuming little villa in the forest, the villa was a little chunk of solitude that Princess Fluttershy could go to when things got too noisy in the capitol.
So with thousands of ponies mobbing her royal palace to try and get an audience with her, Celestia knew there was only one place the camera-shy princess could be.
“Are you sure she’s here?” Luna asked, peering up at the forbidding hedges skeptically. “There’s a long line of well-wishers at her palace that seems to think she’s at home right now.”
“Which is exactly how I know she’s here.” Celestia said. “Legions of hanger-ons and busybodies are going to be swarming the palaces today trying to kiss up to the princesses and get in their good books before the festivities tomorrow. Dozens of photographers, journalists and amateur historians are flooding the palace grounds to try and get a quick interview or photograph that they can sell to the tabloids. Does that sound like the kind of place Princess Fluttershy wants to be right now?"
“So you think she went to ground here?” Luna said.
“Would her guards be here otherwise?” Celestia asked.
“Guards?" Luna said, casting around for any sign of Princess Fluttershy's personal guards. "What guards?"
Luna froze as she caught a glint of light in the underbrush. After a few moments, a green and silver clad knight stepped out of the brush, looked around suspiciously, and then blended back into the bushes as silently as he had emerged.
“Those guards.” Celestia said. “And it's not going to be easy getting past them. There's no telling how many are crawling around in bushes or perched in the branches waiting to drop on us."
“They don’t seem to be stopping the animals from going in.” Luna said as a lone tiger slunk through the gateway unaccosted by the guards.
“Yes, Luna, but we’re not animals, are we?” Celestia said.
“Not yet…hold still for a second.” Luna said, firing up her horn.
“Whoawhoawhoawhoa!” Celestia hissed, skittering away from Luna. “Wh-what are you doing?!”
“Just a simple spell to trick the guards; come here!” Luna said.
“Wh-what are you planning to do to me?!” Celestia said. “You're not...you're not going to turn me into an animal are you?!”
“Oh for the love of-I’m not going to turn you into an animal!” Luna hissed. “It’s just a simple illusion; now hold still.”
Celestia squirmed uncomfortably as Luna’s magic flowed from her horn and down over Celestia like a waterfall. “Ewewewewew, why does it feel like you’re pouring a bucket of egg yolks over me?”
“Do you get egg yolks dumped on your head often?” Luna chuckled.
“Hey, how about you shut up and concentrate on whatever it is you’re doing down there.” Celestia grumbled. “I don’t want you to slip up and turn me into a newt with your freaky spellcasting.”
“Don’t be a baby.” Luna sighed. Within moments, Luna’s spell formed a translucent shell around her sister and with a final spurt of magic, Celestia was gone, replaced by a shaggy brown grizzly bear.
“Are you done?” Bearlestia said, opening a bleary brown bear eye. “I don’t feel any different.”
“Well…you certainly look different.” Luna snorted, trying to contain her laughter.
“What did you do to me?!” Bearlestia demanded, turning around in circles trying to see what Luna had done.
“Nothing…just remember to growl and snarl if anypony talks to you.” Luna giggled
“What are you talking ab...did you turn me into a bear?!” Bearlestia growled.
“Okay, good growl but less words and more snarling.” Luna said, closing her eyes briefly and disappearing from view.
“Luna?!” Bearlestia hissed, looking around for her sister. “Luna, where are you?”
“Right here.” Luna’s voice whispered from behind Celestia.
"An invisibility spell?!" Bearlestia growled. “Wait, you get the invisibility spell and I get turned into a bear?”
“I didn't turn you into a bear; you just look like one.” Luna’s voice said.
“Oh, because there’s such a difference!” Bearlestia hissed.
“Okay, okay, we’re wasting time here.” Luna’s voice said. “Just walk through the gate; I’ll be right behind you.”
“I am going to kill you for this.” Bearlestia groaned, rubbing her eyes with her paw.
“No talking!” Luna’s voice hissed. “Just go!”
Bearlestia pranced towards the villa’s gate, trying her hardest to look like an ordinary animal until she felt a small tug on her tail.
“What?!” Bearlestia hissed.
“You’re walking like a pony!” Luna’s voice hissed.
“I’m walking like a…of course I’m walking like a pony, what do you expect me to walk like?!” Bearlestia growled.
“A bear.” Luna’s voice insisted. “Legs bent, shoulders hunched and lumber. You’re a thousand pound mass of muscle and fat-”
“Excuse me?!” Bearlestia shrieked in a decidedly un-bearlike falsetto.
“You look like a bear; walk like one!” Luna’s voice said.
“You’re enjoying this.” Bearlestia growled, hunching over and lumbering as best she could. "You brought me all the way out here just to laugh at me, didn't you?"
“I assure you, Celestia, any enjoyment I may or may be getting out of this is purely coincidental.” Luna’s voice snickered.
“Oh thanks, that makes me feel so much better.” Bearlestia said, rolling her giant bear eyes. The bear and her invisible sister trundled along the path leading up to the villa and for a moment, Luna thought everything was going according to plan. Then, out of nowhere, a pair of helmeted guards leapt from the bushes to block their paths.
“Excuse me, citizen, this area is off limits to the public.” The guard on the right said.
“Please state your business or return the way you came.” The guard on the right said
“Uh…grrraaarggh?” Bearlestia growled, shrugging her gigantic bear shoulders.
The guards lifted their visors and immediately snapped to attention. “S-Sir Bearington! S-sorry sir, didn’t see you there!” Right guard stammered.
“R-rragh?” Bearlestia growled.
“Forgive me, sir, Princess Fluttershy is in her usual space, go right ahead!” Left guard said, moving out of the way to let Bearlestia pass. “A-and this won’t happen again, I promise!”
“Rrrarghh…” Bearlestia, not knowing what else to say.
“Th-thank you, Sir Bearington!” Right guard said. “You are truly a gentlebear of great understanding!”
“H-have a pleasant visit!” Left guard said. “Give the Princess our regards!”
And with that, the guards disappeared into the underbrush, leaving a very confused bear and her invisible sister in their wake.
“Sir Bearington?!” Luna hissed as they passed through a small archway leading to a fig orchard in the middle of the villa. “Why in the world would Princess Fluttershy knight a bear?!”
“I think the better question is why in the world are you surprised?!” Bearlestia said. “And how long do I have to wander around looking like a bear? If I have to growl at one more guard, I swear I'm going to-”
“Just a little longer, I promise. Once we locate Princess Fluttershy I'll-” Luna stopped as the ground beneath her shook ever so slightly. She thought it was another earthquake but after a few moments she realized they were coming from a set of hoofsteps.
“Hide!” Luna said, grabbing her sister’s tail and dragging her behind a low garden bush.
“Ow, let go of me!” Bearlestia snarled. “What are you-”
“Fluuuuuutershyyyyyyyy!”
Luna’s stomach flipped over as a thundering voice rattled ground and shook the leaves on the bush they were hiding behind. There were only six others in Equestria who could barge in Princess Fluttershy’s house and yell her name at the top of her lungs and she did not want to be found sneaking into Princess Fluttershy villa by any one of them.
The heavy footsteps grew closer and Luna noticed that the bush beside her started blooming with berries and flowers months out of season. The trees above her creaked and groaned as the figs rapidly ripened and swelled on their branches to enormous sizes. Luna dived under the bush, pulling Celestia with her as a pair of long orange legs walked by. As they passed, each hoofstep caused the ground to erupt in a patch of tall grass and wildflowers.
“Now where did that mare scurry off to?” The voice belonging to the footsteps muttered to herself. “I swear, every time there’s even a hint of commotion she scampers off to who knows where...” The voice turned the corner and Luna and Celestia ducked out of their cover to catch a glimpse of Princess Applejack walking the garden
Enormous, even by alicorn standards, Princess Applejack stooped in the archway at a full eighteen hands tall. Lean, powerful muscles flexed under a light orange coat and her golden mane was braided with vines that seemed to grow from her scalp like hair. Clad in a golden crown set with three glittering apples and dressed in a green and gold gown, Princess Applejack scratched her head with the tip of her wing curiously as she scanned the courtyard.
“Her guards wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t here.” Princess Applejack mumbled to herself, her immaculate Canterlot accent tinged with just a hint of country twang. She turned her back and Luna and Celestia scampered out from under their bush to hide behind a marble pole in the courtyard.
“Now where could she…aha.”
Princess Applejack turned around and Luna’s heart skipped a beat when she seemed to look right at them. But to her relief Princess Applejack stopped short of their hiding spot, bending down to come face to face with a small pink butterfly.
“You almost fooled me there.” Princess Applejack chuckled as the tiny butterfly took to the sky. “I’ve been looking for you all morning!”
Celestia and Luna shared a perplexed look as Princess Applejack continued to chat up the butterfly as it hovered in the air. Then, as if by magic, it split into two butterflies that danced around each other in the breeze. Those two split into to more butterflies which split into four more, which split into sixteen more, which split into thirty two more. Again and again the butterflies multiplied until a small cloud fluttered in the courtyard, the sound of thousands of wings flapping like wind through the trees. Finally, there was a flash of light, a sudden string of birdsong as the cloud of butterflies dispersed and Princess Fluttershy appeared shaking her mane out as a few stray butterflies scattered in the breeze.
“Impressive.” Princess Applejack admitted, watching the last of the butterflies flutter off into the canopy.
“Thank you.” Princess Fluttershy replied. “I’ve been practicing it for quite a while.”
A head and a half shorter than Princess Applejack, Princess Fluttershy stood clad in a long green and blue gown decorated with jeweled butterflies and embroidered wildflowers. Almost immediately after she materialized, Luna felt a supernatural sense of calm wash over her like a cool morning breeze. The knot that had been slowly winding itself up in her chest relaxed a little as Princess Fluttershy stretched her wings gracefully.
“If I had known you were trying on a new transformation, I would have brought my bug net.” Princess Applejack said. “I’d have an easier time getting a hold of you if I could just pluck you out of the sky and stick you in jar on my bookshelf.”
“Sorry about that.” Princess Fluttershy sighed. “The palace is just absolutely dreadful today.”
“Yeah, all these ponies lining up just to shower us with affection and presents are just the worst aren’t they?” Princess Applejack chuckled.
“You know what I mean!” Princess Fluttershy said. “I know they mean well and I truly appreciate all of their…appreciation, but is it too much to ask for a few moments of peace and quiet before everything gets so loud tomorrow?”
“It’s going to be loud tonight.” Princess Applejack said. “I'd start getting used to it now…or invest in some good earplugs.”
“It’s not going to be so bad…I hope.” Princess Fluttershy said, fidgeting uncomfortably. “It’s just everything is getting so hectic so quickly and after all the commotion that's been going on, I was just hoping for a few hours alone to rest and collect my thoughts. I’m sorry I made myself so hard to find.”
“We’ve both had it rough this week; I don’t blame you for looking for some quiet time.” Princess Applejack sighed. “Any more word on those wendigo sightings?”
“Not since my Wild Rangers harried them away from the farms and into the forest.” Princess Fluttershy said. “The local guards say that they’ve gone to ground but…well, a little bird told me that something was lurking in the caves outside of Trottingham. I thought of sending the Rangers in but I don't want to risk their safety until we know more about the situation. I wish I had more information for you but-”
“Ah, don’t worry too much.” Princess Applejack said with a dismissive wave of her hoof. “The Green Marines are mighty grateful that you could help us out like that. We’ve been spread thin enough as it is stabilizing farmland after these earthquakes; we need all the help we can get with monsters scurrying around.”
Luna perked up at this comment; Princess Fluttershy was aware of the monster sightings and Princess Applejack was clearly concerned about the earthquakes. Maybe convincing them to support her wouldn’t be so hard after all.
“What a week.” Princess Fluttershy sighed. Noticing her friend’s distress, Princess Applejack stamped a hoof and a pair of stumps shot up out of the ground. Branches curved up from the base to form a back and soon, both princesses were reclining on couches grown from living trees.
“I suppose there’s no way of getting out of the party tomorrow, is there?” Princess Fluttershy chuckled weakly.
“You can try,” Princess Applejack laughed. “But Princess Partygirl isn’t going to let you hear the end of it if you miss her Major Millennial Milestone Masquerade. She says she’s been planning it since our coronation.”
“I believe her.” Princess Fluttershy said. “And I suppose there’s no hope of it being a nice, quiet dinner party with a small guest list of close friends?”
“She mentioned something about parade floats, bungee jumping, motorcycle jousting, and fireworks at midnight; you tell me.” Princess Applejack said.
“Fantastic.” Princess Fluttershy sighed. “Something tells me Rainbow had a hoof in planning all that commotion.”
“I don't think she's had the time, to be honest with you.” Princess Applejack said seriously. “I tried talking to her this morning and she was up to her kneecaps in paperwork.”
“On a Saturday?” Princess Fluttershy said. “Is everything okay?”
“A couple of cantankerous storm fronts have been giving her grief all week.” Princess Applejack sighed. “Apparently she’s had to tangle with unauthorized lightning along the coast and rainclouds that just won’t behave themselves.”
Odd weather patterns. Luna thought to herself.
“Oh dear, does she need any help?” Princess Fluttershy said.
“Nah, you know her.” Princess Applejack said, rolling her eyes. “The “Undisputed Queen of the Heavens, Magnificent Princess of Thunder and Lightning” needs no mortal help reining in rebellious rainclouds.”
The two shared a laugh at their friend’s expense and just as Luna was about to make herself known-
Thud
Thud
Thud
A shadow flew over the sun, casting the courtyard into darkness as a massive pair of wings buffeted the air and rattled Luna's teeth.
“Looks like we have company.” Princess Applejack said, barely batting an eye as a massive thump shook the figs from their trees with a series of wet sticky splats. “I thought they weren’t going to be back until tomorrow.”
“Things with the gryphons must’ve gone better than expected.” Princess Fluttershy said, rising from her tree couch. "I’ll go and see about getting some refreshments for them; they must've flown all night to be here so early.”
Princess Applejack rose from her seat as the most unlikely pair made their way into the courtyard. The first was a large, deadly looking dragon the size of Princess Applejack herself although Luna knew from experience that he could be much, much bigger. Dark purple and green scales shimmered and shifted over lean reptilian muscle, his smooth curved horns and leathery wings lending him a sharp, feral allure often found in dragons. The Duke of Canterlot was a very old, very powerful dragon who at this moment looked neither. He had a very long, complicated name unpronounceable by anyone incapable of belching fire on command but the easiest translation for Equestrians to use was “Spike.”
The mare beside him possessed a beauty and grace that made Celestia look like an eight hundred pound flat footed grizzly bear without the help of Luna's magic. She walked with an unspoken aura of confidence so absolute that Luna found herself feeling braver just by being around her. Clad in a simple wine colored gown with a heart shaped ruby necklace, her windswept mane righted itself by magic as she threw her long white wings around Princess Applejack in a hug.
“Princess Applejack!” Princess Rarity said, planting a brief kiss on each of her friend's cheeks. “What a surprise! I wasn’t expecting to see you here!”
“Took the words right out of my mouth.” Princess Applejack laughed. “I thought you two were going to be in Leovolans talking with the ambassador until tomorrow.”
“Things with the grypons went smoother than expected.” Spike chuckled. “Rarity had those stubborn birds wrapped around her hoof within within a couple of hours so we decided to fly back early.”
“Please; you make it sound as if I did everything myself.” Princess Rarity said, lightly patting Spike on the shoulder. “Negotiating territory agreements is always easier when you have a fearsome dragon sitting at your side.”
“You…you didn’t do anything that’s going to come back and bite us later, did you Spike?” Princess Applejack said nervously.
“Don't worry;I know how to behave myself…most of the time.” Spike said, shooting a wink at Princess Rarity. “But I may have conspicuously picked my teeth now and then to make a point.”
“You didn’t seriously snap your teeth at him, did you?!” Princess Applejack said.
“He didn’t…I nearly did.” Princess Rarity admitted.
“Why?!” Princess Applejack demanded.
“The gryphon’s ambassador referred to the Spike as a, ahem, “great scaled attack dog" more than once!" Princess Rarity sneered distastefully. “The way he talked about him was disgraceful; as if he was Princess Twilight’s pet or some nonsense like that!”
“It wasn’t that big of a deal.” Spike chuckled.
“You shouldn’t have let him disrespect you like that! You are the Duke of Canterlot, darling, and a hero of this country in your own right.” Princess Rarity insisted. “The idea that you could ever be reduced to a mere dog is just disgusting! Disgraceful! I swear, if I ever see that grubby little bird again, I’ll-”
“Alright, alright.” Spike said soothingly. “Point taken. Will it make you feel better if I just eat the next person who insults me?”
"If you don't, I might." Princess Rarity sniffed.
“Are you saying we almost had an incident because you threatened the gryphons’ ambassador?!” Princess Applejack said.
“Oh it’s all just political bluster,” Princess Rarity said reassuringly, withdrawing an official looking document from a saddlebag on Spike’s back. “Run of the mill saber rattling with no real teeth to it. We said some things, they said some things, at one point they threatened to burn Canterlot to the ground, we had a nice summer salad for lunch-”
“They did what?!” Princess Applejack squawked
“Everything is perfectly fine.” Princess Rarity said soothingly. “And the towns along the border remain a part of Equestria, as we hoped they would be. New Mexicolt City, Sacramareto, New Trottingham, Ponyville-”
“Ponyville?” Princess Applejack said, looking to Spike incredulously. “We seriously have a town called Ponyville?”
“Apparently.” Spike shrugged. “I never heard of it either until it came up in the territory dispute.”
“The name lacks the…creativity of a city like Fillydelphia, I admit, but it’s all ours; legally conceded by the Gryphonian Hierarchy as per our demands in exchange for the rights to cloud city development in the airspace southeast of the Everfree Forest.” Princess Rarity said, passing the treaty to Princess Applejack. “We’re not going to be chummy with the gryphons any time soon, but at least things are back to normal.”
“You all but stole the feathers off their backs!” Princess Applejack let out a low whistle as she looked the treaty up and down. “They’re practically paying us for the privilege of using our air! How in the world did you get them to agree to this highway robbery?”
“It's what I do, dear.” Princess Rarity said with a toss of her mane. “I’m just here to look pretty, smile for the cameras, and favorably negotiate international territory disputes under threats of war. You know; typical princess stuff.”
“Well, I’m just glad we don’t have that hanging over us anymore.” Princess Applejack sighed. “That’s one thing I didn’t want to have to deal with myself; thanks for dealing with that for me.”
“Please, putting egotistic politicians in their place is hobby of mine.” Princess Rarity chuckled, lightly patting her friend on the shoulder. “Is Fluttershy in? I wanted to check in with her about the gowns for tomorrow but she wasn’t at the palace so-”
“You figured she’d be here?” Princess Applejack asked.
“Her secret hideout is hardly that secret anymore.” Spike chuckled. “Any two bit sorcerer with an invisibility charm can bamboozle their way past the guards and sneak in here whenever they want.”
Luna swallowed painfully, hardly daring to shoot her sister a look. If they came out now, the princesses would know they had snuck in without permission. If they continued to hide, they might miss the chance to talk to them altogether. As Luna wrestled with this dilemma, a gust of wind came up behind them and blew through the courtyard past Spike's nose.
Spike stopped suddenly and sniffed the air. “Is someone making pancakes?”
“Pancakes?” Princess Applejack said.
“Yeah it smells like…strawberry chocolate chip pancakes!” Spike said, licking his lips hungrily. Luna turned to her sister, who was attempting to melt into the column she was pressed up against. The smell of Celestia's cooking clung to her sweatshirt; something Luna had neglected to cover up with an illusion.
“I don’t smell anything.” Princess Rarity said.
“You don’t have a nose like mine.” Spike said, sniffing along the ground in Luna’s direction. "I'm famished and those pancakes smell amazing!"
Luna thought of running for it but her hooves on the marble floor would alert everypony to their presence and she couldn’t leave her sister high and dry. Before she could figure out what to do, a long purple snout sniffed it’s way around the pillars they were hiding behind and stopped short of Celestia’s shaggy paw.
“It’s…a bear?” Spike said. Celestia was petrified as the two princesses came around to have a look at her.
“Uh…g-grrrarr?” Bearlestia roared weakly.
“Isn’t that Sir Bearington?” Princess Rarity said. “I could have sworn he was out of the country on a honey safari.”
“It certainly looks like him.” Princess Applejack said, looming over Celestia and then looking straight at Luna. “But looks aren’t everything, are they?”
“R-rrarrgh?” Bearlestia growled feebly.
“You can drop the bear act, honey, you’re no good at it anyway.” Princess Applejack said. “And tell your friend to drop that little invisibility cloak of hers too; I can hear her hyperventilating behind that column over there.”
Crap
Luna discontinued both spells with a small flick of her horn and both newly visible sisters bowed to the princess courteously.
“Your Highnesses.” Celestia and Luna said in concert.
“How did you know she wasn’t a real bear?” Princess Rarity said
“You know I have a keen eye when it comes to spotting lies and illusions are just great big magical lies.” Princess Applejack said, taking a closer look at the former bear kneeling before her. “Wait a minute you’re...you're Celestia, right? We met at that Hearth’s Warming Eve party in Trottingam last year, didn’t we?”
“Y-yes, Your Highness!” Celestia said. “I-I’m surprised you remember me!”
“I never forget a pony who can manage to whip my hide at cards.” Princess Applejack chuckled. “If I remember correctly, I think I still owe you fifty bits.”
“Oh, d-don’t worry about that, Your Highness!” Celestia said brightly. “I just play for fun; I would never ask you to pay me or anything like-”
Princess Applejack waver her hoof dismissively, levitating a small stack of bits out of her saddlebag and passing them to Celestia. “Let it never be said that Princess Applejack leaves her debts unpaid. You won these fair and square and I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“Th-thank you, Your Highness!” Celestia said, stowing the bits away
“Let me know if you ever want a rematch; you won't take my bits so easily next time.” Princess Applejack laughed, turning to Luna. “So I’m guessing you’re the one with the magic that hoodwinked the guards out front? I would have thought Fluttershy’s guards would be able to tell the difference between a real bear and a pony wearing a magical bearsuit.”
“What do you expect from Twilight’s best girl?” Spike said, sending a reassuring wink to Luna who blushed at the compliment. “
“Twilight’s girl?” Princess Rarity said, turning to Luna. “Oh! You must be Princess Twilight’s protégée! It's..Luna, right?”
“Y-yes Your Highness.” Luna squeaked.
“Princess Twilight has told us so much about you.” Princess Rarity said. “I can’t believe that this is the first time we’ve met.”
“Twilight's student or not, what in the world are you doing sneaking into Princess Fluttershy’s house on a Saturday morning?” Princess Applejack demanded. “You two better have a very good explanation for this.”
“We do, Your Highness!” Luna said. “I have something very important to tell you; it’s a matter of-”
“National security?” Spike said.
“It really is this time!” Luna insisted. “I have evidence that...that Tirek the Terrible is returning to Equestria tomorrow night!”
The two princesses stared at Luna dumfounded and Spike actually rubbed his eyes in exasperation. At that moment, Princess Fluttershy came into the courtyard levitating a tray of tea and cookies. “Alright ladies and gentledrakes, I have organic honeyblossom tea and vegan snickerdoodles for us to-eep!” She squeaked and stopped short when she caught sight of Celestia and Luna. “Wh-what are you doing in my house? How did you get in here?! How did you even find me?! Are you with the Canterlot Sun? I’m sorry, I’m not giving any interviews today so if you’ll just see yourselves out-”
“Calm down, darling, they're not reporters." Princess Rarity said. "This is Princess Twilight's student, Luna, and her friend-"
“Actually, I’m her sister…ma’am.” Celestia corrected gently.
“-sister, Celestia." Princess Rarity corrected. "Luna has come to us with something that she thinks is important enough to warrant breaking into your house on a Saturday morning."
“You may want to take a seat for this one, honey.” Princess Applejack said. “It sounds like this story’s going to be a doozy.”
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Awesome.
Sweet Celestia of Equestria, please tell me Rarity's guard are called the "fashion police."
Oh, this is excellent.
Oh, and doozy?
I had no whether to give spike his regular voice, or some kind of gruff and tough voice. Thanks for link!
Great job with this chapter, can't wait for the next one.
2616208 This is GENIUS!
…I understood that reference!
I suppose that Princess Rainbow Dash could be "reigning" inside of the clouds, but I suspect you meant to say "reining in".
Very nice Harry Potter reference with the egg yolk bit.
I'm quite enjoying this, but there are a bunch of distracting little mistakes sprinkled throughout the story. One systematic thing I noticed is the use of periods to end spoken lines, like this:
The correct form is either
or
Also, there's one place where "gryphons" is spelled as "grypons", and Rarity should be talking about "reining in" politicians, not reigning them; it's a horse-riding metaphor!
After all that, I have to say I really like the various Princesses as they are introduced here. They are clearly the same ponies as the Mane Six we know and like, but more refined, more experienced and more mature. And I'm enjoying the different magical abilities that they have, particularly the way Applejack makes plants grow, bloom and ripen by her mere presence. Talk about Earth pony power turned up to eleven!
'Something tells me Rainbow a hoof in this' I think it should say Rainbow had a hoof in this.
Apart from that, it's a really enjoyable read. I loved the description of Fluttershy's appearance with the butterflies. I could picture each butterfly clipping in half and half again, continuously multiplying until she appeared.
Is Spike being referred to as a dog a reference to Equestria Girls?
Thais story is simply brilliant; I can't wait for the next chapter!
2619643
It is
2618844
Thanks for spotting that! I went back and fixed it!
2616937
Sir Bearington is best knight
YOUR BEING TOO DAMN AWESOME!!!!!
There are quite a few typos in this chapter. First, you are not punctuating your dialogue correctly. The EqD Editor's Omnibus does a pretty good job of explaining proper dialogue punctuation. The part you want is "Attribution of Dialogue," although reading all of it couldn't hurt.
You also forget a word in a couple places, like "tall beige trees capped pink leaves" (should be "with pink leaves").
Finally, you leave out commas in a couple places. For instance, "Luna turned to her sister who was frozen in horror" needs a comma after "who", and ..."dragon the size of Princess Applejack herself although Luna knew..." needs a comma after "herself". Sometimes it is not violating the rules of grammar to leave these commas out, but in all cases it makes it harder for the reader to parse the sentence.
Also, I'm glad you chose NOT to introduce all of Twilight's friends in this chapter. A lot of authors shackle themselves with unnecessary symmetry with those characters, and it can cause several problems. First of all, it strains the suspension of disbelief. Take this chapter for instance. Obviously Fluttershy would be at her villa. But why does Applejack arrive just at the same time as Celestia and Luna? And how convenient is it that Spike and Rarity also show up moments later? It didn't hurt the chapter here, but it would have been much worse if Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash also showed up at just the right time.
More importantly, character symmetry leads to story bloat. If you have five characters speak each time any one of them speaks, it quickly becomes overwhelming, both for the writer and the reader. There would have been absolutely nothing wrong with having Princess Applejack (for instance) talk to Celestia and Luna in this chapter, and never having a conversation with Spike, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash. You should make decisions for your story depending on what (in your opinion) makes for the best story. Just because you are writing about FiM doesn't make you honor-bound to give equal screen time to the Mane 6.
Besides that nice chapt- waaait a minute. It looks to me like you do not understand the noble game of Bridge! First, it usually isn't played for stakes. But also, it is played in partnerships, ie a 2 vs 2 format. So instead of saying "Let me know if you ever want a rematch; you won't take my bits so easily next time.", Princess Applejack should have said something like "You should come around the palace some time to play with Princess Pinkie and I! Me and her [or 'she and I' depending on AJ's accent/lack thereof] haven't lost a game playing together in centuries!"
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I understand your point about character symmetry but the alternative is having the same conversation multiple times as Luna attempts to convince each princess to take her seriously. These chapters here I still consider the "Prologue" of sorts because we haven't got to the meat of the adventure yet. To do that, I need to establish the main players. There's an upcoming scene where all the Princesses interact with Luna and her friends and I would
I understand that I may not need to have her meet with every princess but part of the fun of this story (at least for me) is seeing how characters behave given the role reversal. I want to show what 1000 years of nearly absolute rule has done for Fluttershy's timidness (all but erasing it) or Rainbow Dash's overabundance of self-confidence (increasing it). To see how much or how little characters might change if put in different circumstances is why I started writing this in the first place.
I made some grammar adjustments and rectified my comments about bridge. You're right; I don't know anything about bridge
I don't go for references much (they tend to date a work), but I did laugh for real at "Sir Bearington". :-D
http://dicemonkey.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/E665n.jpg
Rarity is best Diplomancer. (Greetings from /tg/ by the way.)
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Salutations elegen/tg/entleman/woman!
Alright, this is interesting. You have my attention.
Very interesting, looking forward to how the deified 6 compare to canon, and VERY interested in how canon will cross in.
This is great! I can't wait for more!
SIR BEARINGTON IS BEST ROGUE. Had to get that out there.
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No, but Luna will cut off his tail at some point to beamspam invaders with.
Keep going, keep going! ...And SUBMIT THIS TO EQUESTRIA DAILY ALREADY!!!
2698255 What is the "first flame"?
Meh, I prefer Spike's usual voice. I can't picture him with anything else, even if it is counter-intuitive.
This was really enjoyable, both world building and character work.
After Tirek called the Six "false goddesses" in the legend I expected them to remember Ponyville and the old world, for some reason, which made this chapter a surprise.