With Twilight Sparkle's coronation, Equestria almost seems to entering a new age of peace and prosperity, hopefully free of the enemies that plagued the nation. Enter Caramel, a normal earth pony, mostly content with the way things have gone over the last few years as his career progressed. And yet, the big day's gotten steadily worse ever since he started feeling weird the night before. His head hurts, his back doesn't seen to move right... But the pain's only going to grow, and he knows that things aren't going to end up ever being as simple. If only an exciting life was something he'd wanted in the first place.
Evidently I'm looking for cover art. If someone would like to sign up, I'd be really happy.
Yeah, there's a dark tag on here. Go figure. This isn't going to be your old run of the mill, romantic view of Equestria, because that would be trite, and I think I would die of boredom, or from lack of conflict. So here's a more realistic take on a pony filled society, with "healthy" doses of crime and corruption. Don't worry, I didn't go insane.
Been looking for a good Caramel Story. Looks like I found it.
Is this a 'Caramel becomes an alicorn' story? o.O
And yes, as we know from your prior stories, you don't seem to like the 'happier' aspect of things. You enjoy the more nitty-gritty side of things.
Great story so far. Really looking forward to the next chapter.
Love it so far man, haven't seen any good caramel stories lately, that just changed :D
Truthfully, I see a fatal flaw already. Alicorns are rare. So much so, that rather than kicking Caramel and co. to the curb, ponies would be notified, it'd come to the attention of the Princesses, etc. Nopony is going to start growing wings and a horn and be kicked to the curb by a medical professional.
Sorry, but you've blown any chance of me finding enjoyment in this, just... Too many liberties. Especially with the lack of an AU tag. Just isn't happening.
2987872
I can kinda see where you're coming from, but then again you're still assuming some things yourself.
The fact that alicorns are so rare is what makes the whole thing seem ridiculous. It's like, if you were a horse doctor and a unicorn came in. I doubt the first thought coming to your head would be: "real unicorn!", especially if the medical records said the opposite. I mean, something suddenly growing new appendages (without nuclear exposure) is ridiculous. Maybe all doctors wouldn't react the way, but it only takes one stuck-up guy. Besides, this is a pony with decades of research in the field. If he didn't know what it was, well, then he'd got all the reason in the world to call it a hoax if he wants to. MAYBE it would seem plausible if Caramel was already a unicorn, and he had some magic going on, but the fact is that he's supposed to be a mundane earth pony.
Here's another thing. If it was a hoax and the guy brought it to everyone's attention as a reality before that fact was discovered as a trick (think magic, which could do a lot more than just smoke and mirrors, even if things stay temporary), that would kinda ruin a career. Somewhat like those conspiracy theorists or guys that claim to be abducted by UFOs.
I guess what I'm saying is, things could have gone any way out of this one, and I'm sure there was a good chance of things turning out this way. Maybe you don't agree, but I know I gave it some goddamn thought.
Edit: First version was a bit vitriolic, this one's more concise and to the point.
Hey Doctor, just out of curiosity; What's your opinion of the new alicorn princess in Canterlot? You know, the one that grew new appendages?
2988180
Not sure if you're supporting my point or going against it. I mean, Twilight didn't exactly grow wings, they just were kinda imparted upon her. immediately. I'm pretty sure it would've made news if she was incapacitated for a while, during which time new ones grew in.
2988213 I'd think in a world with Poison Joke, age changing spells, the flutterwing spell, illusions, changelings,
spells, etc. he would entertain the idea that something weird has happened to the patient. In the end, the patient is in pain, his friends are worried, and they came all the way here for his help. After all that, a little weirdness with his paperwork can be overlooked long enough to do a thorough examination at least. One X-ray spell, and "Holy Celestia, he's got wings growing there!"
In other words, I have to agree with 2987872, the doctor just kicking them out because he thinks he's being pranked is not only hard to believe, but makes him out to be so self centered that Blueblood thinks he's an arrogant prick. That, and I always have a problem with the magical pony refusing to believe the completely rational explanation of, "It's magic!" In their world, refusing to acknowledge magic as an explanation, is like a modern police coroner refusing to believe that somebody with holes in them is dead just because they didn't find any bullets in the body.
"The report said it was a possible gun shot, but I haven't found any bullets in him! This is just some sort of prank isn't it! He's not even really dead! I don't know how you were able to mimic the lack of a heartbeat, pulse, or breathing, but it must be a prank because the paperwork said gun shot but there are no bullets! Now go away and take your friend with you!"
2988278
MOST IMPORTANTLY, what if the doctor's thoughts were grounded in reason? He could have run tests on the wings and the horn, but you the reader know little to nothing. Suspend your disbelief, and maybe your questions will be answered.
I cant give away exactly why he thought so, because it would give other things away, and he didn't explain why he thought it was a hoax in the first place. You're assuming too much about how these things worked. They will be explained, just like everything else. Have some faith that I'll work things out. It's not like these things are supposed to stand alone, and things will come to light. You kinda have to put together the pieces of why things turned out like this, because what fun would it be if I said everything immediately?
I should have probably clarified that earlier I was talking from the perspective that I for some reason thought that all the chapters I've wrote were already released. Sorry about that.
2988119
Let me look at it this way. You have a medical professional in a world which, going off of Canon, has very few alicorns. Of those, Celestia and Luna have been such for over 1,000 years. The doctors obviously have no clue if they were born, ascended to such, etc. You have Cadance, who is likewise mostly unknown, also a princess. You have Twilight Sparkle, who is also a princess, and just went 'poof, wings and earth pony magic!' in a near instant.
Caramel would be a medical professional's dream come true. A living, breathing case study in which a normal Earth Pony, especially a stallion (if you'll recall, the track record is kinda against this, 0 for 4), starts slowly growing the new appendages. Now, sure it could potentially be a hoax, but the chance of it being the case of a lifetime would override anypony's other potential reactions. I mean, if you're trying to draw any sort of parallels to our world, just look at some of our doctors through the years. When something new and breaking was available to see for potentially the first time, doctors swarmed to the location to come together and closely examine the phenomenon. This is very much the same thing, hoax, poison joke, magic, etc not withstanding.
Yes, this is based on the fact that alicorns are rare. You say they might not be, but per canon, we haven't seen anything to really support that. If you had used the AU tag, I wouldn't have ripped into you like I did, at least not as hard. But, you wouldve had to specify that alicorns aren't rare, which you did not. Not to mention, you have the original doctor who transferred them there. He's just going to... leave them in the street? What? I mean, what sort of fucking doctor is he? He takes them all the way to Manehatten, and he doesn't get kicked out of that office for bringing an Earth Pony to this asshole doctor you created? No offense, but were you thinking at all when you put together that scenario? If this guy is completely unwilling to believe this, it's not the potential patient that should be suffering, it's the doctor who brought it to their attention. Caramel was still in obvious pain and not doing so well.
I'm digging into you so hard right now because this was a great premise that you just blew up with this bit. You have to keep some level of plausibility when writing a story, even if you do apply an AU tag and make liberal use of that. You have neither the AU tag, nor any level of plausibility. Ruining a great premise is about the worst thing a writer can do in my eyes.
And oh, your blog moaning and groaning? Really?
Sometimes, even with a lot of followers, a story is barely going to ripple. Especially if you don't blog or promote it at all. And then to feel pressure when folks point out flaws, well... you really should've thought this through a little bit more this time around. That, and you shouldn't care what we say about your writing if you truly do it for yourself. I'm just gonna stop now.
2988278 - Basically. You hit in the stuff I didn't properly elaborate on in my first post.
Definitely a.good start. Got me interested to see what happens next, and find.out what is happening. A few theories are flying round my head,.but I guess I'll read on and find out
Chapter two, my theories are added to, and Lyra becomes a love interest. Please, continue good sir!
2988751>>2988278
Alright, we seem to have come to a misunderstanding, which I've only made worse. See, he reacted the way he did, which is meant to appear ridiculous and barely grounded in reason. I think I achieved that part. But you still don't know what the doctor knew at the time, that's the important part. I'm not an omnipotent narrator.
I don't want to feel like I'm begging for readership here, but in chapter six (which I wrote a week ago) everything kinda explains itself. If you could read to there and then make your judgment, I'd be pretty happy.
When I was writing those comments last night, I had forgotten that I'd only released to chapter three, because I was talking from a kind of 'what are these people even complaining about when it's explained' point of view.
2989446 Well, I'm reading the chapters as fast as they appear, and I'm willing to give the story a chance, hence why it's still liked and tracked (I know the star thingy is called a favorite, but I call it tracking because that's what it used to be and that's what it's used for). Though if there is a reasonable explanation for why the doctor acted that way, you may want to foreshadow it a bit, maybe have the guy act a little odd, not just 'Grr, prank, go away" and walk off. If it's a conspiracy, have the doctor act a bit fidgety or paranoid, if he's just an asshole, have the doctor that mouthed "I'm sorry" apologize out loud and mention that the doc is an ass.
You have to remember, that we the readers have no information beyond what you write down, so the only evidence we have is what we read. If there's something strange going on beyond an unreasonable doctor, hint at it, give the readers some idea that something more is going on. I'm sure your reason fits the story, and makes sense in your head, without a hint, well, you saw how we interpreted the doctor's actions.
As I said though, I will keep reading, because I do want to see where it goes from here. The premise is interesting, and I am curious as to what could possibly make the doctor act the way he did. I will be honest though, I was super close to un-tracking the story, and only stuck around because of your insistence that the doctor's actions will make sense later.
2991810
I'm surprised that you listened. But thanks, I'll try to make things work.
2991964 Hey, it's not like I think you're a bad author or anything. My only problem was that one part of the story. Granted, my reaction was more intense than necessary, though in my defense, I have a bit of history with that sort of trope. The whole concept of "I won't believe you about something that is honestly perfectly believable in this setting," has always gotten on my nerves. Heck, the episode "Bridle Gossip" irritated me when Twilight kept saying "There's no such thing as curses!" when honestly, in the show's canon, they do.
What is a curse, but a magical effect inflicted on a pony that has a detrimental or unwanted effect? Because I'd certainly label the Poison Joke's effect as a curse, but the show had Twilight insist that it couldn't be a curse, for... reasons. The idea that the only way for the story to unfold with the appropriate amount of tension is for a character (that should definitely know better) to deny that something isn't possible irritates me, in direct proportion to my knowledge of how talented the author(s) of a story are.
In the end, the main reason why I reacted so strongly is due to my enjoyment of your other stories. If a person is going to kick you in the balls, it's going to hurt more if they get nice and chummy with you first, and you let your guard down. So yeah, I overreacted to the situation, but it was partially because I perceive you as a good author, so it blindsided me.
TLDR; I overreacted to the situation at first because your other stories are so good that I thought you'd been replaced by a changeling.
2992317
I suck at starting stories. The other one was a perfect example of that. But as much as that hurt to read, this gets a whole lot better. I don't really know what to tell you, my thing with stories is that I'd like people to withhold their judgement until the end. That's when it gets really good. (it's a lot shorter than my other stuff, or so I'm thinking)
It's kind of a kick in the balls for me that you give up so easily, especially if you think (or thought) that I was a good writer. I mean jeez, have a little loyalty. I'm doing something different, chances are I'm not going to do my best in unfamiliar territory
2992649 Hey, I'm not giving up yet!
Like I said, my reaction was an overreaction, and I do appologize for that, I should have given you more of a benefit of a doubt. I just let my reaction get away with me, and it led to my ranting. As for waiting to pass judgement on a story until it's done, I usually do.
There are only two instances where I started a story and decided to stop before it was finished. One was almost as bad as The Harry Potter Fanfic That Shall Not Be Named (If you know which one I'm talking about, you have my condolences), and the other just turned a possibly sympathetic character into an utter asshole out to ruin everyone's life because he wasn't happy with his situation (not anti-hero or villain, just asshole).
Your story was not nearly close to those, it just had the misfortune of tripping over one of my pet peeves while I was in a less than charitable mood, and I was dumb enough to feed my reaction (Which wolf wins? The one you feed.(D'oh!)).
TLDR; I overreacted, I was being a prick, I'm sorry.
Awesome story, looking forward to more!
2987872 and 2988180 I can see where you guys are coming from, but personally, I think Agent Snail is fully justified in his interpretation.
Yes, you could argue that a lot of doctors would jump at the chance to study a pony/alicorn transformation. However, you could also argue that a lot of doctors would be highly skeptical.
Think about it. For over 1000 years, there were only 2 known alicorns. Then along comes.Cadence, making it three. Several years later, a unicorn earns the right to become an alicorn princess through the power and magic of friendship. And suddenly, within potentially a week of the New alicorn princess, we have a male alicorn, the first one ever, turn up out of nowhere? I know I'd see it as someone wanting to jump on the band wagon, rather than a legit case.
Oh, and one more thing. It's Agent Snail's story, not.yours.He might be planning some big backstory with the doctor being fooled in the past, he made a big deal, and it got him disgraced or something, and how he's angry at the world.
Tldr: I think you're doing well Agent, and I'm gonna be following this for the foreseeable future
2994267
There are a few things as a writer you have to be aware of when writing a story. First and foremost, you have to keep your readers hooked, part of which is keeping things within a certain level of belief. While it's true that it may be addressed later on, as the author has the foreknowledge to know what is coming up ahead of what we, the readers, see... We have to believe that this can be happening. That is what went wrong here. Without any foreknowledge, [for the readers] such an action of the doctor was a mess.
Being the writer of a story lets you control most things. But if it's so whacked that they can't believe what they're reading, doing things 'your' way [the writer's] is sometimes not the best approach to it. This was one of the most jarring suspension of disbelief moments I've ever seen. Story is still in my read later, but it's not a focus now.
2989446
Good luck writing this story, at some point in the future I'll revisit it. I may have been a bit harsh, but the bit ya pulled, without the explanation being the largest issue, was a mess. Gotta keep things believable. Very important.
Just found this story. There are a few errors here and there, but overall, you're doing great. I'm interested to see where you're going with this.
This is actually a pretty good start, I'd like to see where this story goes. You said something about chapter 6 already being released in one of your previous comments, what happened to it?
3875965
This is actually on hiatus. I'm going to release a new version of this story where things aren't as screwed up, and release that. It'll be much the same as this one, but I need to find the time to write it. Point is, I got to a point where I couldn't see things working, and stopped.
When I finish either The Winds of Change or The Ecstasy of Defeat, I'll pick it back up. Sorry.
Technically, I did write chapter six, but about ninety percent through I saved the thing and stopped. The thing with the doctor is just wrong, and I need to redo it. I'll end up releasing a new, rebooted story, and get an editor on that job. I want to bring justice to the hopes I had for this, and try to improve on the idea I've laid down. Once again, I'm really sorry about this whole thing.
3876566 I understand, no problem.