Chapter 6
Fixing up Miss Smartypants, Part 6
by Arkensaw Pinkerton
“Miss Trixie, yer holdin’ it in the wrong place! Ah need you to lift it another three inches, and then hold it steady while I put the bolts in. You can’t move it around or stop payin’ attention or some pony’s gonna get hurt. Now are you ready to pay attention or not?” Applebloom stamped her hoof and pulled a wrench out of the toolbox, shooting Trixie a withering glare before climbing back up the half-finished catapult.
Trixie rolled her eyes. This was completely intolerable! The filly was manipulating her shamelessly, with a mixture of authoritarian demands, dismissive comments about Trixie’s mental strength, and sometimes- when Trixie felt like walking away from the entire pointless project- a whimpered worry that Trixie would abandon her completely and leave her a “terrible unreliable failure in th’ eyes of mah family and friends!”
Despite the transparency of Applebloom’s manipulation, Trixie couldn’t deny that it was working. She shifted her forelegs on her cushion, sipping at the iced tea she’d demanded from a very snippy pegasus who’d been working on the main stage. Trixie didn’t actually want to let the little filly down, she admitted to herself. Whatever the catapult was for, it seemed to be part of the show that Pinkie was putting on, and even though the party planner grated on every single one of Trixie’s exquisitely sensitive nerves, the magician had to admit that she knew how to create an evening that nopony could forget.
The park was being transformed into a cornucopia of delights, nearly every business in town with a little stall dotted around the space. The stalls ranged from an apple foods cart run by one of Applebloom’s innumerable relatives to a cut-down version of the Maison de Lune, the fine restaurant having set up little outside tables where clients could sit and order food to be run to them by an array of sharply dressed waiters. The park was, however, dominated by a huge stage, upon which Trixie could just about see her current lover, Octavia, arguing with the unicorn she used to date. Trixie narrowed her eyes, picking out the grey earth pony, and sighed wistfully at herself. She’d been seeing Octavia for only a little while, having successfully seduced the fussy musician away from her usual, boorish companion, and as she watched the graceful pony wrinkle her brows to shout something at Vinyl, Trixie had to admit to herself- Octavia was getting a little boring. The pony seemed to think her career actually merited as much time as the Great and Powerful Trixie! It was clearly time for Trixie to move on. Maybe a pegasus this time, she thought to herself.
“Miss Trixie! You ain’t concentrating!” Applebloom’s voice rang out from the catapult, and Trixie wrinkled her nose in irritation.
She hadn’t been concentrating, of course, but it was annoying to have it pointed out. With a grunt of concentration, Trixie shoved the board three inches up and to the right, and held it in position while Applebloom worked. She’d agreed to this nonsense bet in a moment of understandable pride, but Trixie wasn’t used to using this much brute force at once, and it was beginning to tax her. She was about to call for another break when she spotted Pinkie Pie walking over to the park, brushing off the ponies coming to her with important news and listening intently to a unicorn filly and- was that a baby dragon? As they got closer, Trixie began to pick out their conversation.
“It’s pretty simple stuff, Spike! I’ve got the firewire codes all etched onto the letter already. All you have to do is send a letter to the princess!” said Pinkie, bouncing towards Trixie and Applebloom.
“I dunno, Pinkie. I mean, isn’t this kinda beneath her notice? I’m sure she has a tonne of royal duties to handle,” said the dragon. He seemed a little worried, if Trixie was any judge.
“Please, Spike?” the little unicorn asked. “We’ve done everything wrong today! We’ve got to work together to make it right and you’re the only one who can get a letter to the princess.”
The dragon looked up at Pinkie’s empty grin and the filly’s anxious face, and held a claw out.
“Okay, fine. But I’m not taking responsibility for when this all goes wrong,” he said with a forced smile.
Pinkie dropped a scroll into Spike’s claw, and with a deep breath in he exhaled a gout of green flame, incinerating the letter to ashes which sped towards the sky. Trixie watched with interest- she’d never actually seen a firewire letter sent before. And to the princess? Where on earth had Pinkie managed to get the codes? Those were practically a state secret! Trixie’s musings were interrupted by the little dragon belching out not one, but six replies to the letter. Trixie narrowed her eyes. What was being planned here? More importantly, how could Trixie gain from it?
“Miss Trixie! Pull yer darn weight!” Applebloom’s shout, half exasperated and half exhausted, startled Trixie back into concentration. The little filly was straining every muscle trying to keep the board in position on her own, and Trixie couldn’t help but stifle a giggle when a brief magical correction knocked the little filly on her rump. Applebloom took a deep breath and got back to the job, but Trixie could hear her muttering something about Trixie’s work ethic.
Turning to face Pinkie again, Trixie was taken quite aback to find that the pink pony had moved a lot closer, her face only an inch or so away from Trixie’s own.
“Hi Trixie! Sweetie Belle said that you could do us a favour!”
“Then she has been grossly misinformed. The Great and Powerful Trixie does not do favours for ponies she does not know, and Sweater Belt is certainly no acquaintance of Trixie’s.” Trixie tried to look down her nose at Pinkie, but every time she tilted her head back Pinkie leaned further and further over her. It was, Trixie admitted to herself, a little disconcerting. The earth pony didn’t seem to need to blink.
“See, I knew it! Sweetie Belle, Trixie can’t help us. She’s all magicked out after helping Applebloom, and a unicorn like her can only do so much magic in a day before she’s too tired to do anything else.” Pinkie didn’t drop Trixie’s gaze for a second, and still didn’t blink. Trixie felt her eyes beginning to water. This was ridiculous! It was the second time today this piffling pastry chef had insulted her ability, and it would not stand!
“Trixie is not tired! Trixie’s abilities remain as stupendous as ever at all stages of the day! Trixie simply does not wish to waste her prodigious magical talents on your meaningless favour-”
“But you will anyway, just because one of your biggest fans asked you? Wow, that really is classy!” Pinkie cut across Trixie, shoving Sweetie Belle in front of the magician before she could come up with a response.
“I knew you’d come through, Trixie!” Sweetie Belle shouted far too loudly, a forced grin etched across her face. Trixie was about to dismiss the blatant manipulation completely when she realised that Sweetie Belle really had used some volume- almost every pony in the park was looking over towards them with interest. Ah well, thought Trixie, good publicity doesn’t jump onto your back every day of the week.
“Of course I have come through, Sweetheart Ball! I am always happy to help a fan!” Trixie said in her loudest stage voice. The reaction seemed to be mostly positive, mares and stallions smiling in approval before getting back to their work, even if it did seem to send Octavia’s ex into a giggling fit in the middle of the stage.
Trixie dropped her stage voice and pushed Sweetie Belle into Spike, sending the two of them rolling over each other as Trixie stepped closer to Pinkie.
“Out with it, then. What do you need me for now?” Trixie snapped, ignoring the furiously blushing young unicorn and dragon who were busily disentangling themselves from each other.
“You need to send these letters-” Pinkie displayed the six scrolls she’d received, each sealed with the royal coat of arms- “to my friends. I know you can’t firewire them, but I’ve tied a strand of their hair around each letter so you should be able to use that as a homing device, right?”
“You keep a supply of your friends’ hair?” Trixie asked, appalled. “Why in Equestria would you have something like that?”
“For emergencies!” Pinkie grinned. “Now can you do it or not?”
“Certainly. So long as the catapult is finished and I don’t have to concentrate on it any more. After I’ve done this, I am through doing favours for you and your motley crew of underage losers, understand?”
“Sure! Applebloom, do you need Trixie’s help any more?” Pinkie shouted up the catapult, and a harassed-looking Applebloom peeked over the top of the launch platform.
“Ah needed her help for the last half-hour and all Ah’ve been gettin’ is a bad attitude. But there’s no more heavy lifting to do, so you’re welcome to her,” Applebloom stated flatly, returning to work tightening up some nuts and bolts.
Trixie flicked her hair back and removed her hat, freeing up her horn for this more complicated display of magic, and arranged the six letters in front of her, concentrating on the hair strands tied neatly around each scroll as she located the ponies who were to receive them. Three of them were together, somewhere near the edge of town. The other two were in a little closer, and the last scroll didn’t have a hair on it. Trixie looked carefully at the last letter- was that Pinkie’s? The foal! She’d left her letter right here! Trixie smiled at herself as the plan for a small revenge formed in her mind.
“Spike, isn’t it? Dragon boy? Over here, I need your aura to send these letters properly,” Trixie lied as casually as she could manage.
“Sure thing, your majesty,” Spike muttered to himself, stamping over to stand beside Trixie. The magician was pleased- at least Twilight had trained her assistant to take orders well.
With a sudden grunt of effort, Trixie sent the first three letters zooming over the stage and out to the edge of town, trailed by a thin shower of blue sparks. Next was Twilight’s letter, flying towards the library on the back of another pulse of magic. Finally, Trixie span Rarity’s letter as she lifted it in the air, sending a spray of white sparks from both ends. As Trixie expected, everypony in the area - and a certain dragon- watched it rise, mouths wide at the sudden display of magic.
Trixie sent Rarity’s letter flying to its destination, and at the same time stamped down hard on Spike’s tail. In shock and pain, Spike belched a vast quantity of green flame, and Trixie lifted Pinkie’s scroll and fed it to the flames with one smooth motion. Unlike the last time Spike had burned a letter, this time the crumpled ash simply settled to the ground. The little dragon looked at the ground and then Trixie, appalled.
“Those codes were to me! I can’t send letters to myself! You’ve just burnt it!”
“Oh, really?” Trixie smiled at Spike, levitating her hat back on and adjusting her cape. “Whoops.”
Trixie walked towards the rest of the party as the disgusted dragon ran off to tattle on her to Pinkie, and allowed herself a quiet laugh. Nopony got the best of Trixie, she thought to herself. Now, all that’s needed to make this a perfect evening is some pleasurable company, and since my standing date is otherwise occupied- Trixie glanced at the stage to see Vinyl and Octavia practically wrestling over a sound dial- I shall have to scare something up myself.
Yes, thought Trixie. Perhaps this trip could turn out to be fun after all.
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Twilight made an irritated noise and started pulling her brush through her mane again. It just wouldn’t sit straight! She’d got an hour until her date and everything else was organised. Her gala dress still fitted perfectly; Rarity’s work really was excellent. She was cleaned and scrubbed and she’d even found time to scan a few of the relationship books and make a list of appropriate conversational topics for a first date, which she’d managed to hide in the ruffles on her back so she could get to it at short notice in case she got into trouble.
Since Spike was out for some reason, she’d taken advantage of his absence to thoroughly consult some of the other books- mostly the ones that Fluttershy had borrowed- and make another list, which she’d stored in her bedroom. It’s a perfectly sensible thing to have done, she thought to herself. A prudent pony prepares for play! The books said!
No amount of justifying it could prevent her from blushing a little, though. Some of those books were illustrated.
Twilight’s train of thought was utterly derailed by a scroll bouncing through her open balcony doors and rolling towards the fire. She barely saved it, grabbing it at the last second with her magic, and levitated it over. It had the royal seal on- a letter from the princess? Twilight opened it straight away, and a flyer fluttered to the ground as she read the note.
Dearest Twilight Sparkle,
It Has Been Too Long Since Our Last Meeting! It Was Fortuitous Indeed That You Were Able To Help Guide Us In The Modern Arts Of Celebration At Our Festival Of Humorous Terror. We Are Attending The Enclosed Event And Wish To Enlist Your Personal Assistance Once Again To Walk Among Our Subjects In An Appropriate Manner. I Will Arrive At Thirty Minutes Past Seven Of The Clock-
Phew, thought Twilight, that still gives me time for my date.
-But I Will Not Expect Your Company Until Eight Of The Clock.
Oh. Right. Fine then, no date.
Yours In Joyous Expectation,
Luna
Exasperated, Twilight picked up the flyer, wondering how on earth she could get word to her mystery date that she’d been called away on palace business. Scanning the flyer- something about a mystery benefactor event- she noticed that the Maison de Lune was apparently upping sticks and moving to the park for the evening.
Twilight smiled- that all worked out perfectly! If the Maison de Lune was at the park then she could meet up with her mystery date at eight, and then explain the situation. Plus Luna being there would give her a good way to escape the date if she really didn’t get along with her potential suitor. Twilight thought about this for a second, and started writing down a schedule for the evening.
7.45: leave library and head for park.
7.55: arrive at park. Five minutes free time.
8.00: meet date at Maison de Lune and explain situation.
8.00: meet Princess Luna and
Twilight stopped writing halfway through that last line. She looked over Luna’s letter again, and checked- Eight o’clock. Joyous expectation. She levitated over the notes she’d made about her date- Eight o’clock. Maison de Lune. Twilight shook her head, smiling at the ridiculous notion that had just entered it. There was no way her mystery date was the moon princess! The very idea was completely laughable.
“Ha ha ha,” laughed Twilight to herself. The falseness of it seemed to echo around the library.
What if it wasn’t laughable? What if it really was Luna? What if they didn’t get on? What if Luna thought she was being unfaithful and told Celestia and got Twilight banished forever? Easy, girl, Twilight thought to herself. You’ve got no proof. It’s probably a coincidence. Twilight quickly rewrote her schedule, and got back to brushing her hair with a nervous expression on her face.
7.45: leave library and head for park.
7.55: arrive at park. Five minutes free time. Observe Maison de Lune for information that proves
Princess Luna is not Mystery Date.
8.00: meet date at Maison de Lune and explain situation.
Alternative: start date with Princess Luna.
8.02: meet Princess Luna and explain situation.
Alternative: make no mistakes at all and proceed with completely perfect date.
It was going to be okay, Twilight tried to convince herself. She had a schedule. It was going to be okay. Oh sweet Celestia, what if she wasn’t attracted to the Princess? She’d never even thought about Luna in that way! Twilight grabbed her schedule again, scribbling additional notes at the top and in the margins.
7.35: leave library and head for park.
7.45: Observe Princess Luna and establish basic attraction parameters.
7.55: Observe Maison de Lune for information that proves Princess Luna is not Mystery Date.
Alternative: Observe for information that proves Luna IS mystery date, assuming attraction has been established.
8.00: meet date at Maison de Lune and explain situation.
Alternative: start date with Princess Luna.
Second Alternative: start date with Princess Luna and inform her (with grace/kindness) that attraction has not been established.
8.00: meet Princess Luna and explain situation.
Alternative: make no mistakes at all and proceed with completely perfect date.
Second alternative: BANISHED TO MOON
Twilight let out a panicked whine of frustration, and grabbed a fresh sheet of paper. There had to be some way to work out a schedule that would satisfy everypony, regardless of her feelings! She just needed to work out exactly what it was. Twilight started scribbling furiously, ignoring the lowering sun.
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Rainbow rolled her eyes as Fluttershy returned to the table with their drinks and Applejack almost immediately excused herself to use the restroom. Rainbow had found the two of them and suggested heading to the bar for a drink so they could talk over what the right move was for her to make, but Fluttershy and Applejack didn’t seem to be able to stay in the same conversation for more than a couple of minutes before one or the other of them would make some excuse and leave the table as fast as their legs would carry them.
They’d been avoiding each other in shifts since the three of them had sat down at one of Berry Punch’s outdoor tables, at the ever-popular Led To Water bar in the outskirts of Ponyville. Even when they were actually sat at the same table, Neither Fluttershy nor Applejack seemed to be acknowledging the other’s presence. Not directly, in any case. Rainbow felt like she was having to hold up half the conversation, and the whole time the two of them kept flickering glances at each other, almost saying something and then holding their tongues. Rainbow had had about as much of it as she could stand, and as Applejack left the table decided to confront Fluttershy head on.
“So what is the deal with you and Applejack? When I met you two you were running like you’d stolen something and now you won’t even look at each other. What’s going on?”
Fluttershy sighed and sipped her drink.
“Nothing’s going on!” she said quietly, before hiding behind her hair again. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to shout. I just get so frustrated with her. If she’d just let me know what she was feeling then I could- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t unload on you like this.”
Rainbow raised an eyebrow.
“That didn’t answer my question at all. What actually happened?”
“I’m not sure I should say. I don’t think it’s fair to make you listen to the whole thing. I mean, you’re Applejack’s best friend and all,” Fluttershy said apologetically.
“Yeah, exactly!” Rainbow said, downing her drink and slamming her hoof on the table. “I’m Applejack’s best friend and I’m your oldest friend. So what gives, Fluttershy? Don’t you think you can trust me with this?”
“It’s not that. It’s that you’re not just my oldest friend, Dash, and I don’t want to hurt your feelings if I can avoid it.” Fluttershy looked straight at Rainbow, willing her to pick up the meaning so the nervous pegasus didn’t have to spell it out.
Rainbow suddenly realised what Fluttershy was insinuating, and nearly burst out laughing. “Seriously? Fluttershy, you’re cute, but we broke up years ago! I just now explained to you and Applejack that I’ve messed everything up with Rarity- you remember, the mare I like? The whole reason I was looking for you? I’m not still carrying a torch or anything. I mean, you were right, we were terrible as a couple.”
Fluttershy seemed mollified by this, and Rainbow decided to push a little further.
“If you thought I was going to be upset, though- I guess you’ve got a little thing going on with Applejack? That’s great! I always wondered how long it would take her to spot what was right under her nose.”
Fluttershy shook her head slowly, taking another deliberate sip of her drink.
“So, you’re not together? What is this, charades? Talk to me, Fluttershy!” Rainbow demanded, and suddenly everything came spilling out of Fluttershy, the yellow pegasus barely pausing for breath as she tried to say it all at once.
“I don’t know what’s going on with her. She knows I don’t like stallions. She knows I spend all my extra time at the farm, every minute I can spare. She says I’m family. She knows I like her, Rainbow, she has to know! Even if she’s not attracted to me I just wish I knew how she felt. I really don’t like not knowing and I can’t be the one who pushes it and asks, Rainbow, I can’t do it. Because if I’m wrong- if she doesn’t want me-” Fluttershy’s voice choked away to nothingness.
“I hear you,” said Rainbow, in as supportive a voice as she could manage, giving her friend’s shoulder a squeeze. “I was gonna say you should just go for it and kiss her but I understand, I do. Oh, hey Applejack!”
The last shout was a warning to Fluttershy as much as a greeting to Applejack, and the yellow pegasus took her cue, murmuring something about needing the restroom as well and leaving without looking Applejack in the eye. Applejack sat at the table and picked up her drink, looking critically at Rainbow.
“You didn’t say something to upset her, did you?” The earth pony asked as she settled into her chair.
“Hey, if anypony here’s upsetting her it’s you!” Rainbow snapped. “You’re not exactly treating her fairly, Applejack.”
“Now, I ain’t discussin’ Fluttershy with you. You don’t know a darn thing about what’s goin’ on,” Applejack pointed out calmly.
“That’s not true! I know that-”
“That Fluttershy would rather you didn’t start flapping your jaw about her to me? Ah thought so. Now Ah ain’t gonna lie to you and say that the situation is anythin’ less than complicated, but until Ah’ve got my head around it Ah’m keeping my mouth shut. Ah figure Fluttershy should be the first to know as soon as Ah work out exactly what Ah’m feeling. The truth is, right now Ah’m just not sure what that is,” Applejack said with finality. Rainbow had to admit, she had some good points.
“Still, you should talk to her. She’s freaking out,” said Rainbow, determined to help out in at least some small way.
“Alright, fine. Now you’ve gotten into a proper mess with Rarity, right? Because all you’ve been saying is how impossible she is and we knew that already. We ain’t actually heard what you did wrong yet.”
“Oh yeah. Let’s wait until Fluttershy gets back, I don’t want to tell it twice,” said Rainbow. When Fluttershy returned to the table, Rainbow could see that her eyes were a little red around the edges, and the sky blue pegasus didn’t know what to say.
“Fluttershy?” Applejack asked, filling the silence. “Ah was thinkin’- Rainbow needs our help right now, so we gotta concentrate on her for a bit. Can we just be friends? Ah mean while we’re sortin’ all this out. We work out real good as friends, right? Is that okay for now?”
Fluttershy squeaked, and then looked right at Applejack. She seemed to find her courage, and her next sentence was louder, even if it was still barely audible.
“That’s fine. If that’s what you want that’s fine.”
Rainbow waited for Applejack to say something- anything- for a few seconds, and when she couldn’t stand the silence any more she started talking until she couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“Rarity and I got letters from each other today, except they weren’t actually from each other, okay? They were from Scootaloo and her friends, and they were all romantic and stuff. Derpy explained about mine, but I guess she forgot to explain to Rarity or something, because Rarity thought hers was real, and on top of that Spike told me Rarity had a secret date with Twilight. I was so mad at her! But I guess he was wrong, because I went round to yell at Rarity and she was, er, dressed all pretty and she’d got wine and candles and stuff.”
“So what did y’do next?” Applejack asked, interested.
“Do go on. But don’t call her Derpy any more, please. Her name is Ditzy and she really hates that nickname,” said Fluttershy.
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Rainbow continued. “Anyway, Like I said, she was all dressed up and I thought she was in on the prank with Sweetie Belle or something. As though it would be obviously funny for her to like me? So I got real mad and I told her I didn’t know why we spent any time together and that we had nothing in common and that she was vain. And some other stuff, I don’t remember all of it. So she was all teary and then she showed me her letter and locked me out, and I worked out that she liked me but now she won’t talk to me! What am I supposed to do?”
Fluttershy and Applejack exchanged worried glances, and Fluttershy was the first to say anything.
“I’m not really sure you can do very much. Rarity’s going to be really mad.” Rainbow felt her stomach drop. Fluttershy knew Rarity better than anypony.
“Ah’m not so sure, sugarcube,” Applejack chimed in. “Ah’ve seen Rarity plenty mad before. Ah think maybe all you have to do is weather the storm, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh, yes. That might actually work,” Fluttershy agreed.
“And what exactly does ‘weather the storm’ mean?” Rainbow asked, through gritted teeth.
“I think Applejack just means that when Rarity blows up at you don’t defend yourself. She’s going to need to get out all of her anger. Then when she’s done, you can explain. Is that what you meant, Applejack? Not that you aren’t perfectly clear,” Fluttershy said. Rainbow could swear there was the tiniest edge to her voice there- not that Applejack noticed.
“Sure is,” said the earth pony laconically.
Rainbow had a think for a second. So all she had to do was keep a hold of her temper? Fine. Rarity was worth taking a loss in a shouting match. Rainbow Dash can win anything, even if it means holding her tongue. Keep calm and don’t get mad. Easy. Right?
Rainbow had her inner monologue interrupted by an irritatingly familiar buzzing noise, and the three ponies at the table turned to see Scootaloo pulling Dinky in her little red wagon, Dinky throwing out handfuls of flyers as they went.
“It’s a totally awesome party!” Dinky shouted in a slightly hoarse voice. “In the park tonight, it’s the Magical Mystery Benefactor- Scootaloo! Go go go, code Rainbow!”
The filly’s voice rose to a panicked screech with that last part and an expression of terror was suddenly pasted onto Scootaloo’s face. Speeding up, the little pegasus’ wings became a blur, the buzz rising in pitch as she pushed herself as hard as possible. The burst of speed was so impressive Dinky nearly fell out of the wagon. Rainbow was paralysed by rage for a moment, seeing the looks on the faces of the fillies- they knew they’d done something wrong, that they were in trouble. It was only when Fluttershy said something about calming down that Dash felt her wings snap into action, propelling her towards the girls.
As she flipped the table and took to the air, Rainbow failed to notice a set of three scrolls travelling towards her location at a fairly impressive speed. They caught her in the forehead, one after another, turning her quick start into an impromptu somersault and a faceful of road dirt.
Head spinning, when Rainbow regained her senses she could hear Scootaloo’s buzzing, but she was too far away to bother with now and the impact had taken all the fight out of her. Grunting, she picked herself up and grabbed the scrolls from the dirt, and opened the first one- it was for her!
Dearest Rainbow Dash,
Do You Remember The Humorous Jape I Played Upon You Late Last Nightmare Night? What Hilarity! We Are Attending The Enclosed Event And Wish To Enlist Your Assistance, And The Assistance Of Your Friends, To Once Again Ensure An Evening Of Genuine Amusement. I Will Arrive At Thirty Minutes Past Seven Of The Clock, But I Will Not Expect Your Company Until Eight Of The Clock.
Yours In Joyous Expectation,
Luna
Princess Luna was coming to town? Rainbow shook her head fully clear and re-read the letter, handing the other two scrolls to Fluttershy and Applejack. The impact with her forehead seemed to have knocked a flyer loose from inside her scroll, so Rainbow picked that up too and gave it a quick look- some big party in the park. Obviously a Pinkie Pie event, if Rainbow was any judge.
“Says here Princess Luna’s coming to town. Soon, too. Do you two have the same sort of letter?” Rainbow asked. Applejack and Fluttershy both nodded.
“So if we’ve all been invited to this thing, Rarity’s gonna be there, right? I mean, she doesn’t miss a chance to show off a new design, does she?”
“Probably. Unless she’s too upset, but if she is you’re best off leaving her alone for a bit anyhow,” said Applejack.
“Alright, awesome! I’ll go to the party thing then, and she can shout at me and then I can get everything straight with her.”
“That sounds like a good plan, Rainbow. We should get going or we’ll be late,” said Fluttershy. Without looking properly at either Rainbow or Applejack, she took off towards the park within a few hesitant wingbeats, staying too high off the ground to talk to anypony stuck down there. Rainbow took the opportunity to whisper a quick word to Applejack.
“You shouldn’t have asked her to be friends, she’s gonna-”
“Ah don’t need your advice, Rainbow. Ah’m dealing with this my way, alright?” Applejack shouldered Rainbow out of the way, cantering towards the park after Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash sighed to herself before taking off after her friends. They sure seemed set on doing this the hard way.
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“And now I’m in therapy! Therapy! It’s so pathetic!”
Rarity lost her voice again, sobbing into an enormous velvet pillow as Whooves shifted his weight from leg to leg uncomfortably. This was not going as well as he would have liked. He’d hoped he’d be in, calm Rarity down within five minutes or so, then she comes out, has a heart to heart with Big Mac, ten minutes tops, and then they’d be on the road to Ditzy’s place so Big Mac could explain that Whooves was a big idiot. After that, Whooves figured, he could ask Ditzy out and the whole thing could be over and done with.
Instead, Rarity had treated him to a staggeringly vast monologue, recounting her troubles with “that spectrum-haired hussy” in excruciating detail, punctuated with vast, theatrical bouts of sobbing. Whooves had the distinct impression that all she’d wanted was an audience. Leaning to the side, he checked the clock again- it was seven, for Celestia’s sake! This needed to be wrapped up yesterday.
“Miss Rarity? Miss Rarity, please! I can’t help you if you don’t listen to me!” Whooves said in a stern voice.
“I can’t even do the therapy right!” Rarity wailed, sobbing even louder. This is a disaster, Whooves thought. She’s never going to stop. Whooves was so preoccupied with the situation he barely noticed when a scroll bounced in through the open window, rolling to a stop in front of Rarity. Rarity sniffled, picking up the scroll with a confused look and unrolled it, glancing at the flyer and going over the letter twice.
As she did, she wiped her eyes, and seemed to genuinely start pulling herself together. Whooves thought, for a moment, that there was a chance the letter had achieved what he couldn’t and actually calmed Rarity down. When she put the scroll and flyer to one side though, he could see he’d been quite wrong- the theatrical hysterics had been replaced with clear, cold anger.
“Doctor Smith, wasn’t it? You are a qualified medical doctor?” Rarity asked in a low, dangerous voice.
“No, not medical. I have a doctorate in psychological studies,” said Whooves. Then he saw the expression on her face. “Is that okay?”
“Hmm. I feel like an MD would make a stronger impression, but you’ll have to do,” said Rarity dismissively. “You’re about thirteen hooves tall, yes? A little slim around the waist...” she trailed off, shoving away clutter from in front of a store cupboard and throwing a few items on the floor in a clutter, a great red cape covering up a Wonderbolts costume and an enormous, old fashioned formal wig. After a quick rummage, Rarity emerged with a formal coat and shirt that Whooves suspected would fit him rather well indeed.
“What exactly are you planning, Rarity?” Whooves asked warily.
“Nothing you’ll find arduous, Doctor, I assure you. I’ve simply decided to attend a social event this evening, at which I will be meeting royalty, and you are the lucky stallion I have selected to accompany me,” Rarity said as she sat in front of a mirror and clucked irritatedly at her ruined make-up. She wiped her face clean with a cloth and began applying her eye-shadow again, before turning her attention back to Whooves. For his part, he was looking at the windows and wondering exactly how much damage he’d do to himself if he just went straight through the big one and never looked back. Writing it off as a bad idea, he decided to just tell the truth as clearly as possible. If Rarity broke down again he’d just have to deal with it.
“Rarity, I’m sure almost anypony would be delighted to accompany you to your event, but the fact of the matter is that I’m, ah, otherwise engaged. Emotionally, I mean. If I was going to take anypony to something this evening it would be her. If she’d talk to me, I mean.”
Rarity put down her mascara brush and turned to face Whooves, the traces of her earlier tears almost entirely gone from her face.
“Fine. Then see this as a business transaction, Doctor. You accompany me tonight, and I will do you a rather extraordinary favour. Which mare is the object of your affections?”
“Ditzy Doo,” Whooves admitted before he could catch himself.
“Oh, the mailmare? She’s a sweetie. Absolutely marvellous figure, especially considering she’s had a foal. Next time I see her, I will invite her in for a dress fitting- absolutely at my expense, of course- and the entire time I will simply gush about how wonderful you are and about all the lovely things you’ve been saying about her.”
Whooves thought for a second. A new dress for Ditzy and being talked up for an entire morning? It seemed like a good idea. So long as Rarity understood exactly where she stood.
“Okay,” said Whooves, carrying on quickly when he saw Rarity’s face light up. “I’ll accompany you as your friend, but I won’t lie to anyone who asks if we’re together. And if Ditzy’s there then I need you to explain exactly what’s going on, okay? I don’t want her getting the wrong idea. And I want to know why you think you need a date for this thing you’re going to.”
Rarity seemed satisfied, and picked up her mascara brush again, carefully accentuating her eyelashes before responding.
“She can’t see me this affected this evening, Doctor. I can’t let her see how thoroughly she’s hurt me. The clearest way I can prove to her I’m fine is to be seen with a successful gentlecolt who can actually see something good in me. Who doesn’t think I’m vain, or stuck-up, or- oh, this is so silly! I just applied this!”
Rarity wiped her watering eyes clean, took a deep breath and started to reapply her mascara.
“I’d rather not discuss it too much more, Doctor. I’d like to look my best this evening and I keep ruining my makeup.”
Whooves looked at Rarity critically as she returned to her mirror. She seemed to be stable, but that was obviously a thin crust over what, if Whooves was any judge, was the start of a broken heart. If nothing else, the mare could do with a friendly face next to her this evening and Whooves could certainly do that. As soon as he’d decided that he would go with Rarity, he remembered why he’d actually come to talk to her in the first place.
“Absolutely understood, Rarity. I’ll accompany you this evening, but could you do me the tiniest favour? Big Mac is outside and he needs to have a very brief word with you before we go.”
Rarity seemed confused for a moment before suddenly grasping what was going on.
“Oh, of course! This is about the little dolly for Applejack, I’ve no doubt. Call him in, would you? I’d get the door myself but this eyeshadow won’t even itself out.”
Whooves got to the door and cracked it open- Big Mac was sat a little way away, lost in thought. Whooves stamped to get the big stallion’s attention and Big Mac quickly trotted over to the boutique.
“Mac, I think I’ve calmed her down enough for you to have a quick word. Now, I’ve achieved that because I’m accompanying her to a social event tonight. That’s as a friend, because I think she’s going to need one, okay? That’s all that is so if it comes up you can... you look like you’ve swallowed a bee. What’s wrong?”
Big Mac looked completely bamboozled.
“Ah ain’t sure,” said Big Mac, furrowing his brows. “Best Ah speak to her so’s we can straighten this out.”
The two stallions re-entered the boutique, and Rarity turned to see them as they did so. Even for two gentlecolts with their hearts elsewhere, she was undeniably stunning.
“Macintosh, always a pleasure to see you. Twilight’s doll is quite repaired, but unfortunately I couldn’t embellish it at all. It’s just over there on the table, and I’ve sent a quick note to the Maison de Lune to tell them to expect Twilight and Applejack at eight. That should cover everything, yes?” said the unicorn cheerfully. Big Macintosh blinked twice, slowly.
“Nnnope,” he drawled. “You ain’t seeing Twilight tonight? On her blind date? Spike said-”
“Oh, you must have misheard him! I set up the blind date for Twilight, yes, but it was on Applejack’s behalf. She’s been keeping that old doll, you see- a token of her affections- and I thought I’d do her a little bit of a favour and set up a date, so Applejack could hand the doll over then.”
Big Macintosh didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes, turning the situation over in his mind. Whooves was about to say something to break the silence when the farmpony finally spoke.
“Does Applejack know you set this all up?” he asked, deliberately.
“Oh! Actually, with everything else I don’t think I’ve had time to tell her. Macintosh, would you be a dear and pass on the message for me?”
Macintosh walked carefully forwards, leaned in towards the mare, and kissed her gently on the cheek. When he raised his head again, he had an enormous grin.
“Nnnope!”
Big Macintosh grabbed the doll in his teeth and trotted jauntily out of the front door. Whooves grinned at Rarity, who seemed to be trying to work out which question to ask first.
“Rarity, I shouldn’t worry. I actually think it’s going to work out alright.”
----------
At the park, Pinkie was dealing with last minute issues. She’d had to set the volume on the stage to something that was too quiet for Vinyl and too loud for Octavia, which they’d both complained about at length. The Maison de Lune staff slowly and deliberately expanding their tables into apple fritter territory, and Pinkie had had to put three waiters, Applebloom, and Caramel into time out until they agreed to stop fighting. On top of that, Trixie had apparently decided to replenish her firework supply from Pinkie’s stock, and she was running dangerously low on catherine wheels. Pinkie wrinkled her snout when she even thought about that meanypants Trixie. The big boasting bully had burned up her letter and stolen half the pyrotechnics that were earmarked for the finale!
Ponies were already starting to arrive, and Pinkie figured she had about five minutes until everything kicked off properly. She chewed a toffee for a moment, letting the sugary goodness melt away her stress, until two young voices interrupted her solitude.
“Pinkie! All reports are looking good and the dance floor has been rolled out,” said Spike.
“Yeah, and I just had the engineers do a preliminary sound check and everything’s looking great!” Sweetie Belle chimed in, ticking the items off a clipboard.
Pinkie had to admit- Spike and Sweetie Belle had a knack for this size of party. Or, at least, Spike had a knack for powering through a big list of little, detailed jobs and Sweetie Belle really wanted to help him out.
“Okey-dokey-lokey! That’s great, you two! I think you’ve finished all the jobs I’ve got for you. I’ve got to go backstage and sort out a few things, but why don’t you take these-” Pinkie fished a couple of lanyards out of her saddlebags and threw them to the youngsters- “and they’ll let you have food from any of the stalls!”
“Seriously?” Spike said, practically salivating. “Because I had a bet with Caramel that he couldn’t chrome an apple, and he said that-”
“I was thinking you could maybe take me to the Maison de Lune. If you like,” said Sweetie Belle from behind Spike. The little dragon just shrugged.
“Sure if that’s where you wanna eat. I think he’s got a decent gravel, at least,” said Spike as he and the bouncing, happy unicorn wandered over towards the food stalls. Pinkie giggled to herself- Spike seemed completely unaware he was basically on his first little date.
On the subject of dates, Pinkie thought to herself, she still hadn’t thought of anypony who’d make a good partner for Twilight. As far as she could gather from Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Twilight thought she was getting a blind date tonight- but she was the only one who was actually turning up. Pinkie could stand in herself, she thought for a moment. She and Vinyl weren’t exactly exclusive- the unicorn was still hung up on her sister, Pinkie knew, so she didn’t really have grounds to complain if Pinkie went on a date with a friend. The earth pony had the feeling, however, that she wasn’t exactly Twilight’s type. Twilight needed someone older, a little more bookish. Pinkie was thinking it over when she realised there wasn’t any noise at all coming from the centre of the park- that was weird.
Running over to see what the problem was, Pinkie was met with a sight that made her bound with delight, even if it was completely unexpected. Princess Luna was standing in the centre of the dance floor, looking a little uncomfortable at the sudden silence- but when she saw the pink pony, her face broke into a genuine, uncomplicated smile.
“Pinkamena! It Is A Pleasure To See You Once Again!” the princess proclaimed, accidentally dropping into her traditional voice.
“Luna! You came to my party! I didn’t expect you to actually come, I only needed you to write the letters, but now you’re here and you’re all shouty! Yay!” Pinkie bounced around the princess, and the other ponies in the park seemed to relax a little when they saw how comfortable Pinkie was with Luna’s presence.
“I apologise for my loudness,” said the Princess in a more normal voice. “I was merely excited to greet you in person! I have been enjoying our correspondence a great deal. It is more pleasing than I had anticipated to be in your company once again. Did you not receive my letter informing you that I was planning to attend in person? I thought that I might be able to assist you in disentangling your friends’ romantic misadventures.”
“I got your letter alright, but I didn’t get a chance to read it! It got burned up. So this is a total surprise!”
“Oh dear! I did not intend to discomfit you in any fashion. Should I take my leave?”
Pinkie rolled her eyes and grinned at Luna. She was such a sillyhead to think Pinkie would ever want her to leave! They’d been writing to each other at least once a week since Nightmare Night- Luna had sent out thank you letters to Pinkie and Twilight and all their friends, and so Pinkie sent a thank you letter for the thank you letter that included a recipe for chocolate eclairs. Then Luna had sent a thank you letter for that thank you letter and a second letter about how great the eclairs were, and she’d included a really old recipe for brandy fruitcake. Since then they’d just not stopped writing and they’d been talking about everything! Luna was really clever, thought Pinkie, and so kind and polite and- oh!
“Hey, you actually really might be able to help me out! You’re single, right?” asked Pinkie. Luna seemed to be taken aback for a second, replying too quickly and too loudly.
“Pinkamena, I didn’t expect- I mean yes. Yes, I am single,” Luna said, smiling shyly.
“Hooray!” squealed Pinkie. This was working out better than she could have imagined! “I have a great idea for your evening! See the Maison de Lune over there? Could you go sit at one of the tables for a few minutes? They’ll get you anything you want to eat. I just have to sort out a couple of things backstage and then I’ll come over and we can get you on a date this evening!”
Luna seemed a little stunned, but quite pleased.
“I am looking forward to it, Pinkamena. I must say- I feel we have become quite fast friends already. I truly do look forward to seeing you again later,” said the princess as she left to take a seat at the Maison de Lune.
Pinkie waved her goodbye and headed off towards the stage. Now Twilight had a date all lined up! Perfect! Pinkie frowned to herself as she got to the stage. Something was making her stomach all twisty, and it was rare for her to get nerves. She checked the backstage clock as she stood in the wings- it was seven thirty. No time for nerves now, she told herself.
Showtime!
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Oh man oh man oh man!
I can tell the party is gonna be an awkward mess before everything gets sorted out
Even when everything is going right, its going wrong.
God, I love this author.
I found out that I was singing hush now quiet now repeatedly for the first 5 1/2 chapters... Not the whole song, but just the " Hush now, quiet now, lay your sleepy head at rest, hush now quiet now, all will soon be its best" (yes, I know those aren't the real words for the second line) I feel slightly disturbed...
But in all seriousness, I really like this, the twists and turns make me crazy!!! So much ship!
"Second alternative: BANISHED TO MOON"
Aw come on Twilight, Luna's not Celestia. She'll just swallow your soul.
awww shat
everything is so
MESSED UP
ok next chapter time :D
pinkiexluna forever!!!
what,no luna emotion cons?
The power of the fourth wall breaking pony used for peace and harmony instead of chaos and.... well, chaos! Blasphemy! and my L key seems to be fucked up now.... WTF?
Not that having her powers being used in a good way for a change and not just a comedic chaos is a bad thing mind you.
So awesome
Now to go take a shower. Then I'll finish off this shit-storm of a situation.
this is what's going on on the fanfiction master control ship during this fic
Well, now it is time to get ready for the final chapter, lets do THIS
The Humorous Jape I Played
Uhm... Is this some kinda joke?
HA. I'M FUNNY.
I also literally never use those faces. Good work.
This is awesome but
terrariaonline.com/attachments/129952896420-jpg.22756/
the whole situation with Captain Jack Harkness and the Face of Boe is easier to understand than this!
Uh oh, just when everything was going so well, Luna shows up and throws a spanner in the works...
Damnit Pinkie; you were doing so well!
234941
All hands, brace for deceleration!
Oh my...
No matter what happens, it's been an honor serving with you all!
Forward kinetic barriers at maximum.
New armor's ready to go.
Captain, the drive core just light up like a Christmas Tree.
Rerouting power to non-critical systems.
Navigation's ready to go.
In the words of TFS Vegeta "Funny thing is, I know you're playing me, but you're right."
Oh this is going to be a lot of fun. Maximum shields, we're going to have to plow right through this mess of awkwardness and misunderstandings.
Aye Aye Captain, forward shields at max.
Engage.