I'd say he grew twelve inches
It was a beautiful summer day in Canterlot. Celestia's sun shone lightly upon Equestria and its inhabitants, bathing them in a golden noon light. The air was cool, enough for dewdrops to still reside in the shadows.
A party of princesses; Luna, Celestia, and Twilight, sat around a four-sided table, talking over lunch. It was a daily ritual that the three partook in. Occasionally, Cadence would join them; and although it wasn't uncommon, she didn't frequently show up, either.
"So, Luna, how goes the grant for that new observatory?"
Luna groaned in response to Twilight's question. "Not so good. We disagree with the Treasury's ruling that there exist enough observatories to admire the night sky. No amount of observatories would be enough to admire our sky!"
Twilight giggled, wiping her mouth with a simple paper napkin. She felt uncomfortable using silk for such things, as was the custom for most wealthy ponies.
She turned to her former mentor. "You seem awful quiet today, Celestia," she commented.
Celestia was shoving a rather large slice of cake between her cheeks. When she realized that she was being waited upon for an answer, she quickly gulped down the larger-than-bite-size product of the bakery.
"I'm sorry, Twilight. Would you mind repeating your question to me?"
Suddenly, Luna reeled back with laughter. "Tia, what has happened to you?"
Celestia frowned. "What are you referring to?"
Luna only laughed harder. "We know thou enjoyest thy cake, but thou hast let thyself go!"
The white princess of the day slammed her hooves on the table, losing all dignity in front of her sister. "Are you calling me fat?"
Twilight spoke, although a bit quietly at first. "Princess, although you are still very beautiful and certainly not fat, I... have noticed you eating quite a bit... more than usual."
Celestia looked to the half-cake still remaining beside her, and frowned. "Twilight, you must understand. An alicorn's metabolism is much higher than the average pony's."
Luna, who had just gotten over her laughing fit, snorted loudly at this.
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I'm an alicorn too, you know."
"Enough!" Luna commanded. "We shall show Tia the error of her ways by comparing her rump to a rump of perfect proportions!"
"Um," Twilight looked around nervously, "Whose 'rump' are we using?"
Luna chuckled. "Ours, of course. No offense, Princess Sparkle, but you
leave a lot to be desired. It has potential, but... You could use a healthy amount of excercise."
"Thanks...?"
"Here," she said, walking over to her sister, "Get off thy flank and compare!"
"You're on, Luna!" she challenged, hopping off her seat and standing parallel with the night princess. Simultaneously, they both looked back, scrutinizing each other for flaws.
"Ah-ha! We have the better butt! We win!" Luna exclaimed triumphantly.
"What? No! I'm already bigger than you, Luna. It would be unnatural if my flank wasn't, too."
"We shall let Princess Twilight decide," the dark princess declared.
Twilight fidgeted nervously. "Uhm... I don't know..."
"See here!" Luna backed up a bit, so that she was next to Celestia's sun, "It jiggles like gelatin when provoked!" She then proceeded to poke and prod it with her hoof.
Celestia whipped around, obviously flustered. "Hey! Keep your dirty hooves off my flank!"
Her sister stepped back in mock fear. "We are sorry, dearest sister! Please, do not sit on us!"
Luna dodged a swift kick. Then, sitting back down next to Twilight, she asked, "So, hast thou reached a decision?"
"Uh..."
"Oh, Luna!" The older princess groaned. "Don't make her choose! She's too nice to hurt any of our feelings. Yours, in this case." She thought for a moment. "What we need is a stallion."
Luna squealed in delight. "Yes! A male! They will tell us, whether they mean to or not! The usual victim, we presume?"
Celestia nodded. The two giggled devilishly, while Twilight wondered what and whom they were talking about.
----------
"Every time, Shining. Every time."
Shining Armor walked through the halls of the Canterlot Palace, all but his head fully clad in armor.
"You would think that with how efficient Twilight is, some of it would rub off on you. Yet, you still manage to leave your helmet in the library..."
The door swung open, and he stepped into the library.
"I just hope nothing happened to-"
He froze. His eyes widened a bit, and he felt the blood rush from his face to somewhere else on his body.
Two great, white cheeks emblazoned with the royal sun of Princess Celestia sat dead ahead.
He flushed red. Quickly, before Celestia could notice him, he darted into the hall.
Immediately following this, the princess of the night bellowed with laughter. Celestia turned back, cheeks tinted slightly pink, but smiling.
"So, Luna, what did you observe from our 'experiment'?"
The laughter died down a bit, Luna wiping the tears from her eyes. "We are glad he did not wear chain mail today, for we assume he grew a whole score!"
Celestia's lips curved downwards slightly. "Wait. You assume? You didn't see it?"
Luna suddenly stopped laughing. "Oh. No."
Celestia facehooved. "Luna! The whole point of this is to keep track of the length! That's how we keep score!"
Twilight, who had been sitting silently next to Luna the whole time, finally choked out a response to what she had just seen. "So... you two do this to my brother... all the time?"
The two other princesses turned their attention to Twilight, then glanced at each other awkwardly.
"You see, Twilight," Celestia began-
Luna quickly took control of the conversation. "Young Miss Sparkle, thou needest see how a true stallion's phallus lookest!"
"He's my brother..."
"Oh, yes. We forgot." Luna looked down awkwardly. "'Tis a good thing he was wearing armor then. It would have been unfortunate for you to see his," Luna snorted.
"Don't say it," Celestia warned.
"His what?" Twilight looked between the two. "Shining Armor?"
Both elder princesses stood still for a moment. Then, the younger one burst out in laughter.
"We were going to make a reference to the long sword, but t'was a good one, Princess Sparkle!"
Upon realizing what she just said, Twilight blushed furiously. Celestia scowled.
"Maybe we shouldn't be doing this anymore, Luna. Especially since Shining's married now, and Twilight's in the castle."
Luna waved her hoof. "Please, sister. Shining Armor enjoys seeing a worthy flank, we are sure of it."
Silence.
"...Surely he gets tired of Cadence's rump. Even Twilight's is of better quality."
More silence.
"T'was a compliment to you, Twilight."
Still silence.
"Uh... So does thus conclude the flank war?"
----------
Shining Armor lied on his bed, awaiting his princess to join him.
"Let me just slip off my tiara here..." Cadence said coyly, bending over to let her tiara fall to the ground. Rump still raised, she glanced back at her husband. Shining, however, seemed a bit distracted.
"Dear, is everything okay?"
"Yes, Cadence," he sighed. "Everything's fine."
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Poor shining.
Silly Luna, a butt can't be too big! That's not scientifically possible!
2560831
I respectfully disagree. The butts I've seen...
2560920 A butt is like a pizza. Even when it's not good, it's still pretty good.
2560941
. Nuff said.
Pineapple
2561028 Now there's an idea! Put pineapples on a butt! Sir, let me shake your hand! Don't worry! I washed it!
2561045
You keep the pineapple, I'll take the butt.
Congratulations from Parcly Taxel, Princess Luna's personal spokespony!
2561045
2561153
Oh my gosh... You guys are worse than me XP
And I just said "Stupid Luna, Stupid, Idiot"
And they say Celestia is a troll.
Luna seems very obsessed in stallions.
A butt is like fine red wine. Its a quality thing to have when you want it.
But too much of it can leave you with more than just a terrible headache.
We needs more Flank Wars. Like Chrysalis getting in on the action XD
And I agree with kingtiger666, a rumpus can never be too big!
2560831
And I says make it so Number 1
2561642
That I'm willing to bite my pride, and take it full force and tell it,'come on over here and mash me!' And I'll die with no regrets.
I vote in favor of Luna's twin moons.
Funny, glad you didn't make Twilight act out of character.
This deserves a mustache, and a follow!
So Shining forgot his purple helmet? One should always think about protection. But at least he brought his spear. A mighty fine example it is, with a firm wooden shaft and a stabbing tip, it's a standard among the guards. Or if that fails, he has his horn at the ready, prepared to penetrate any victim foolish enough to present themselves. But duty calls! As a proud stallion of the guard Shining will always stand at attention when presented to royalty, and provide any service the princesses may require.
Kind of reminds me of that Greek myth where all the Goddesses fought over who was the most beautiful, but with horse goddess ass quality.
Really? Trying to find who has the better butt by how Shining rises to the occasion? I am glad that Twilight didn't get in on this. I am reminded of another story where he was judging Fluttershy and Rarity, and he made Fluttershy cry. Then he gave Candace a failing grade, and divorced her.
2564980
dafuq did you read
The story was great, but these comments could make a story on their own!
That... sure was something. Something funny, so I approve.
It seems to me that the "Flank War" was just an excuse (as much as you can use something something awkward as this as an excuse) to mess with Shining Armor.
2565861 I wholeheartedly agree. I was cracking up at a lot of these XD
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw525_131217775698.png
2565596
I read this: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/59782/dat-ass
They feel kind of similar to a small extent.
Found a few mistakes. The original is on top, the fixed is below it. Probably missed some, though; I'm really tired.
princesses; Luna, Celestia, and Twilight, sat
princesses—Luna, Celestia, and Twilight—sat
them; and although it
them. Though it
bite-size product
bite-sized product
cake; but
cake, but
her, and
her and
understand. An
understand: An
alicorn, too you
alicorn too, you
nervously, "Who's
nervously. “Whose
you leave
There’s an unnecessary space here, like you hit enter on accident.
of excercise
of exercise
sister, "Get
sister. “Get
Luna!" The older
Luna!" the older
male! They will
male! He will
open, and
open and
bit, and
bit and
face, to
face to
today; for
today, for
Celestia began,
Celestia began.
now, and
now and
does thus conclude
does this conclude
sighed, "Everything's
sighed. “Everything’s
That's all I found. Really funny story, all things told. Nice, quick read.
... I want his job
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/170/f/2/shake_dat_flank_by_johnjoseco-d3jbr8i.gif
https://www.flickr.com/photos/myhourglass/7483291714/
Well, that was a thing. I'll admit, you got a big laugh out of me with "the usual victim". :)