• Published 11th May 2013
  • 6,868 Views, 51 Comments

The Flank War - Sneaky

A tale of epic proportions involving cake, princesses, and the unwitting victims of royal tomfoolery.

  • ...

I'd say he grew twelve inches

It was a beautiful summer day in Canterlot. Celestia's sun shone lightly upon Equestria and its inhabitants, bathing them in a golden noon light. The air was cool, enough for dewdrops to still reside in the shadows.

A party of princesses; Luna, Celestia, and Twilight, sat around a four-sided table, talking over lunch. It was a daily ritual that the three partook in. Occasionally, Cadence would join them; and although it wasn't uncommon, she didn't frequently show up, either.

"So, Luna, how goes the grant for that new observatory?"

Luna groaned in response to Twilight's question. "Not so good. We disagree with the Treasury's ruling that there exist enough observatories to admire the night sky. No amount of observatories would be enough to admire our sky!"

Twilight giggled, wiping her mouth with a simple paper napkin. She felt uncomfortable using silk for such things, as was the custom for most wealthy ponies.

She turned to her former mentor. "You seem awful quiet today, Celestia," she commented.

Celestia was shoving a rather large slice of cake between her cheeks. When she realized that she was being waited upon for an answer, she quickly gulped down the larger-than-bite-size product of the bakery.

"I'm sorry, Twilight. Would you mind repeating your question to me?"

Suddenly, Luna reeled back with laughter. "Tia, what has happened to you?"

Celestia frowned. "What are you referring to?"

Luna only laughed harder. "We know thou enjoyest thy cake, but thou hast let thyself go!"

The white princess of the day slammed her hooves on the table, losing all dignity in front of her sister. "Are you calling me fat?"

Twilight spoke, although a bit quietly at first. "Princess, although you are still very beautiful and certainly not fat, I... have noticed you eating quite a bit... more than usual."

Celestia looked to the half-cake still remaining beside her, and frowned. "Twilight, you must understand. An alicorn's metabolism is much higher than the average pony's."

Luna, who had just gotten over her laughing fit, snorted loudly at this.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "I'm an alicorn too, you know."

"Enough!" Luna commanded. "We shall show Tia the error of her ways by comparing her rump to a rump of perfect proportions!"

"Um," Twilight looked around nervously, "Whose 'rump' are we using?"

Luna chuckled. "Ours, of course. No offense, Princess Sparkle, but you
leave a lot to be desired. It has potential, but... You could use a healthy amount of excercise."


"Here," she said, walking over to her sister, "Get off thy flank and compare!"

"You're on, Luna!" she challenged, hopping off her seat and standing parallel with the night princess. Simultaneously, they both looked back, scrutinizing each other for flaws.

"Ah-ha! We have the better butt! We win!" Luna exclaimed triumphantly.

"What? No! I'm already bigger than you, Luna. It would be unnatural if my flank wasn't, too."

"We shall let Princess Twilight decide," the dark princess declared.

Twilight fidgeted nervously. "Uhm... I don't know..."

"See here!" Luna backed up a bit, so that she was next to Celestia's sun, "It jiggles like gelatin when provoked!" She then proceeded to poke and prod it with her hoof.

Celestia whipped around, obviously flustered. "Hey! Keep your dirty hooves off my flank!"

Her sister stepped back in mock fear. "We are sorry, dearest sister! Please, do not sit on us!"

Luna dodged a swift kick. Then, sitting back down next to Twilight, she asked, "So, hast thou reached a decision?"


"Oh, Luna!" The older princess groaned. "Don't make her choose! She's too nice to hurt any of our feelings. Yours, in this case." She thought for a moment. "What we need is a stallion."

Luna squealed in delight. "Yes! A male! They will tell us, whether they mean to or not! The usual victim, we presume?"

Celestia nodded. The two giggled devilishly, while Twilight wondered what and whom they were talking about.


"Every time, Shining. Every time."

Shining Armor walked through the halls of the Canterlot Palace, all but his head fully clad in armor.

"You would think that with how efficient Twilight is, some of it would rub off on you. Yet, you still manage to leave your helmet in the library..."

The door swung open, and he stepped into the library.

"I just hope nothing happened to-"

He froze. His eyes widened a bit, and he felt the blood rush from his face to somewhere else on his body.

Two great, white cheeks emblazoned with the royal sun of Princess Celestia sat dead ahead.

He flushed red. Quickly, before Celestia could notice him, he darted into the hall.

Immediately following this, the princess of the night bellowed with laughter. Celestia turned back, cheeks tinted slightly pink, but smiling.

"So, Luna, what did you observe from our 'experiment'?"

The laughter died down a bit, Luna wiping the tears from her eyes. "We are glad he did not wear chain mail today, for we assume he grew a whole score!"

Celestia's lips curved downwards slightly. "Wait. You assume? You didn't see it?"

Luna suddenly stopped laughing. "Oh. No."

Celestia facehooved. "Luna! The whole point of this is to keep track of the length! That's how we keep score!"

Twilight, who had been sitting silently next to Luna the whole time, finally choked out a response to what she had just seen. "So... you two do this to my brother... all the time?"

The two other princesses turned their attention to Twilight, then glanced at each other awkwardly.

"You see, Twilight," Celestia began-

Luna quickly took control of the conversation. "Young Miss Sparkle, thou needest see how a true stallion's phallus lookest!"

"He's my brother..."

"Oh, yes. We forgot." Luna looked down awkwardly. "'Tis a good thing he was wearing armor then. It would have been unfortunate for you to see his," Luna snorted.

"Don't say it," Celestia warned.

"His what?" Twilight looked between the two. "Shining Armor?"

Both elder princesses stood still for a moment. Then, the younger one burst out in laughter.

"We were going to make a reference to the long sword, but t'was a good one, Princess Sparkle!"

Upon realizing what she just said, Twilight blushed furiously. Celestia scowled.

"Maybe we shouldn't be doing this anymore, Luna. Especially since Shining's married now, and Twilight's in the castle."

Luna waved her hoof. "Please, sister. Shining Armor enjoys seeing a worthy flank, we are sure of it."


"...Surely he gets tired of Cadence's rump. Even Twilight's is of better quality."

More silence.

"T'was a compliment to you, Twilight."

Still silence.

"Uh... So does thus conclude the flank war?"


Shining Armor lied on his bed, awaiting his princess to join him.

"Let me just slip off my tiara here..." Cadence said coyly, bending over to let her tiara fall to the ground. Rump still raised, she glanced back at her husband. Shining, however, seemed a bit distracted.

"Dear, is everything okay?"

"Yes, Cadence," he sighed. "Everything's fine."

Author's Note:

Luna's so awkward, isn't she?

Thanks go to my proofreader, hwrogers, for being curious enough to read something that has been hidden in the deep recesses of my iPod for months now.

Seriously, I started this months ago and forgot about it. If you've read any of my other works, you might have noticed the funky style I had in the beginning.

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