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Minuettes feelings on being called a Dentist and being named after that Celestial damned toothpaste brand, but that's not her name nor her job, what and why do they call her Colgate when she is Minuette? Even back to her first days of school.
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2635840 I always figured that Minutte had a twin sister who was a dentist and that it was just an occasional mistake mixing the two up.
2683046
Theories lovely lovely theories.
Oh and just a update here if you enjoyed this I have a story called "Melomancy" and I'm 89.99999% sure it will be approved and if it is the first chapter is in the sad genre.
First off, I'd like to say that it's nice to see someone that prefers Minuette to Colgate. It's a cute name for a cute little pony.
Now, what I am about to say may seem a little brash or inconsiderate, but I assure you that I write it with the best intentions. I see places in your story where you used the wrong words in several places, like "lessen" instead of "lesson." There are also some dialogue issues, like Time Turner only being 9-10 and saying phrases like "but you looked like you were watching your own life pass by" seems a little too eloquent for a kid.
I'm a fan of the frame narrative as much as the next writer-bro, but having a sudden switch back to the present in the middle of the story was jarring and made me wonder just where I was. Was I in the past or present? It took me a while to figure it out. However, there doesn't seem to be a justification to the frame. What was it, exactly, that made Minuette lock herself in her room and how did Time Turner know? Sure, you have let me know that the girl has not had an easy life. I get that. But there has to be something to set her off or else the reader loses out on some tension. Did a pony make a particularly cruel remark one day that set her over the ledge? I'm making guesses here and that isn't always a good thing in story telling.
You've made an interesting choice, making a sad romance story as short as you did, but by doing that you took a great risk. Truth be told, you might be better off expanding each scene. Give the reader a chance to settle in and get a feel for the character, because most readers aren't going to go into a story with their sad-switch set to max.
I've written a bit here already, so I will only address one more concern: BLOODY TEARS?! Where did that come from and why was Time Turner not more concerned?
Keep in mind this was an expiramentation story and probably one of the best stories I will make for a while, this WASN'T editted by any one I only filled a few detail gaps that messed with the story.
2683635
After the body dries of all moisture and your eyes are extremely strained from a while (could be a minutes to 7-8 hours) but a few drops of blod will usually fall signaling that you aren't able to release any more moisture at that time. (Or so my sources [cousins] say)
Oh and someone is editing it momentarily.
And I thought she was Romana, no just kidding but thats also a name she gets in somestories because of the Doctor.
Dear Humming Notebook,
This review was brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors
Name: Not the Dentist
Grammar Score Out of 10: 5
Pros:
A romance but not of the horrid clop association.
Very excellent dialog towards the end.
You make me feel very empathetic towards Minuette.
Cons:
There was, given the short length of the story, a high amount of grammatical errors.
There were a couple of awkward moments of dialog, like when the teacher called Minuette Colgate.
CackleBack wearing a sombrero seemed very gaudy to me, and made me laugh, which I assume was not intended.
Notes:
To elaborate a little on above statements, you had several moments where a comma or some such instrument was needed but not used, or instances where you either phrased something awkwardly or in such a way that I had no idea as to what you were intending to say. But I don’t mean to belittle your work. I like it. I think it’s a good, short fic and was pleasing to read. I think you are pretty good when it comes to writing, at least when it comes to this story, you just need to work through those annoying grammar bugs that plague us all. Now, I do have one thing to say about the differences in structure between “chapters” one and two. I like how you inverted the past increments and used line spacing between paragraphs. I think you should do the same to “chapter” two for the sake of consistency if nothing else. On a personal note, I applaud the end where Time Turner kissed Minuette. You played that part very well, something I know as an author is hard to do. All-in-all though, due to the grammatical mistakes, I give this story 3/5 cupcakes. (No, not those kind)
Enjoy the review! Please help me out by looking at my story Genesis.
Sincerely,
-Power to the Bronys
Hey, I just put up a read through of this fic on youtube!
3046667
Sweet I was in the middle of converting a friend when I saw that. I have been trying I think I finally convinced them into the three episode trap.
Also thanks for the advice, I have fixed that problem with run ons now though. This was my first story though (that I actually went back and fixed a bit. It's supposed to be just short, sweet, and somewhat demented in its own right.).
Also I blame spell check and the fact I wrote this in a rage.
I love this story, the ending was that sweet and heart stabbing romantic while at the same time keep that little sad undertone. I would give it a tumbs up if I had them. Dang hooves don't make things easy on a pony. Keep up the good work.
3929983
Honestly this story is in much need of a fix. I just haven't.
3931424
Where does it need to be fixed at? It all seems good to me. Like I said, it really hit the feels.
What's wrong? Where have you been time turner! What's wrong? Bah! Like you didn't know.
I can't imagine what people IRL goes through. I'm surprised Minuette didn't go berserk!