Not the Dentist

by The Notebook

Not the Dentist (Holes filled)

Minuette had always since she was young felt unknown. She was always told to go find a toothbrush or called Colgate. Why? She had no idea all she could do was deal with the fact of it. Her name was Minuette and she built the clocks for her freind Clock Turner to use. Always the only one she could turn to was her clock working friend. Well, hourglasses really but she never bothered to call them that. It let her keep her sanity.

Standing on her wobbly blue legs like a newly-born foal, Minuette trudged on with shaky steps as she walked into the bathroom even as she went on with her routine thoughts and pressure that never left the reclusive mare came up, in the form of memories the mare began to float the brush up to her messy hair. Flashing back to her past she remembered the school room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey Colgate why don't you use that mane to clean those nasty teeth of yours? All you need is a stupid brush after all the extra size will probably help." The ring leader, a pale brown pegasus-colt with a Green tie., called out rudely as she walked in, making her lower her head as various fillies and colts laughed. Her blue form seemed to shrink under hundreds of dark black shadows. Standing only a moment before sitting at the very back corner desk, she sulked for the rest of that day as she was insulted behind her back by the entire class room. All except one young brown colt that sat in the front. Silent. Seeming to stare emotionless at the other colt who to Minuette's and his dismay was in fact the colts twin brother.

Sitting in her desk as the teacher went on to start her lessen began to fiddle around with the springs of her pencil, seeming to be taking interest in what hadn't let her down or hurt her at all rather than the torture as it hadn't started to get bad yet. But it did, as always Minuette sat inside during recess and waited in quite the teacher just a few feet away which hadn't been that bad until...
"Colgate would you like to go outside?"
Time froze. Minuette sat rigid and stiffer than a rock. Her pencil dropping on the floor and her horn no longer seemed to glow with what little effort she had given to pick it up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Why me? Why was I always antagonized?" Minuette asked the thin air, receiving no answer she dropped the brush where she had been sulking the entire time as her flashback ended, her eyes became puffy as tears started to stream down. Even as her door was being slammed on she didn't move, she wasn't in the mood this morning. Though her heart said move, her mind refused. Letting her focus on the pain, normal really as she cried every morning not just from being scared, but from the fear of the hate that filled the world outside her threshold. Waiting, watching, trying to lure her outside. She sat listening to the beating on the front door, someone was hollering but she couldn't her them. The only voices were those of laughter in her head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minuette had just turned nine, and had for the first time built up the courage and invited four fillies over for a party, and everything went fine of course, but when she opened the large box that the fillies had brought. She had been too crushed and shattered to respond. In the box was a few tubes of mint-flavored toothpaste, Colgate dreaded this, where nickname came from a huge toothbrush. Her little courage deflated as she ran up the stairs and into her room. Her sobs silent as she was left alone, hearing only laughter and insults torwards her, she continuously sobbed. Her day had gone horribly from there on as she sulked about the fact of it until dusk. That was when she looked outside to find strange sight, a... No the little brown colt carrying some kind of wooden object in his over stuffed sattle bag. TORWARDS HER HOUSE! For a moment she was disheartened as she was forced by her mother to go downstairs and greet the colt.
"H- Hi Minuette umm my brother CackleBack was being a jerk so I just wanted to apologize for all the things he said to insult you. When you sat by the window you looked really pretty... I mean pretty sad! I noticed you were pretty sad and this may or may not seem strange but you looked like you were watching your own life pass by so instead to distract you from that I thought I would get you this." The small colt said pulling out a a hour glass and setting it infront of Minuette.
"I like to watch them and this one I actually made and I got this." He said turning to show her his hour glass cutie mark.
Minuette shuffled her hooves in thought of what to do. Quietly taking the hourglass she looked him straight in the eye, instead of getting mad like he thought the filly would she had cried.
"Thank you," she said her voice cracking as she turned embarrassed, "could I ask your name? You never get called in class or really stick near anyone." Minuette continued quietly.
"My names Time Turner." He said nodding her a goodbye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It both hurt and felt warming to remember the grace of those horrid moments. Time Turner had become her light in the black river of the lost. He was always in her mind, her one shiny gear in a set of black, rusty springs. He was her stallion in shining armor when she got like this. Even though she was sexually harassed when ever she went outside alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just two days after getting her cutie mark Minuette was accused of faking her cutie mark, by none other than those same four mares. Of course she still had no friends here, so all alone, she was harassed by stallions to see who could slap the "fake" off of her. For those next three years she had constant bruises on her flanks from swipes and slaps at them, even some adults had been dared to, that had been the last straw. "Colgate" was a laughing stalk rumored to have a fake cutie mark. She had gone from getting hygiene insults to "Slut!" And "Hey want something to put on that flank?" It crushed her, it made her small, and the worst of it all. Everyone, but three people didn't put her in the preverbal grinder.
At age twelve Minuette only left the house with her parents on either side if not her only friend in the world: Time Turner. She was scared of everything that so much as looked at her with anything but a smile.
That had been a rare luxury.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Minuette Celestia so help me I will break down the door! What's wrong?" Time turner's voice called from outside, obviously distressed.
Standing shakily Minuette made her way to the door and walked out of the bathroom, still a mess, opening the front door, and stepping back as it burst open and she was in a warm embrace. Her tears only flowed out faster as she had cried into Time Turner's shoulder her voice close to shattering as 18 years of bullying and shunning came out completely. Time Turner kept her tight as she cried.
"I'm here now Minuette, it's all going to be fine now okay." He soothed as she started to dry of tears and few teardrops of blood fell from her dry, puffy red eyes.
"Sorry for wetting your shoulder Time Turner." She whimpered silently as instead of an apology was greeted with a long passionate kiss that dried any last tears, as she became fully comforted her by this tan brown stallion with every passion being the same as hers.
"Will you let me be your comfort and lover, I can't stand you being like this. You are a big gear in the clock of time and life and the biggest in this ol' mechanical heart," He said pulling away, "I want to see your smiles not tears, I want to hear your laughs not your cries, I want to be able to feel you put the winding key in my heart as it beats against you." Time turner said in no way joking about any of it.
Speechless Minuette held her breathe. Her a key to winding his heart? Was he truly asking this of her? But… No no more buts? Could she let him be what she thought of him as a loud in *gulp* public?
"Please say you will." He said as he looked her in the eye.
"I'm… yes Time Turner I will."

Author's Note:

I added detail were it was missing and I think I made it better if not ill just delete the chapter.

Please comment if you think it's better.

Comments

[DVB]

2635840 I always figured that Minutte had a twin sister who was a dentist and that it was just an occasional mistake mixing the two up.

[The Notebook]

2683046

Theories lovely lovely theories.

Oh and just a update here if you enjoyed this I have a story called "Melomancy" and I'm 89.99999% sure it will be approved and if it is the first chapter is in the sad genre.

[ObCom]

First off, I'd like to say that it's nice to see someone that prefers Minuette to Colgate. It's a cute name for a cute little pony.
Now, what I am about to say may seem a little brash or inconsiderate, but I assure you that I write it with the best intentions. I see places in your story where you used the wrong words in several places, like "lessen" instead of "lesson." There are also some dialogue issues, like Time Turner only being 9-10 and saying phrases like "but you looked like you were watching your own life pass by" seems a little too eloquent for a kid.
I'm a fan of the frame narrative as much as the next writer-bro, but having a sudden switch back to the present in the middle of the story was jarring and made me wonder just where I was. Was I in the past or present? It took me a while to figure it out. However, there doesn't seem to be a justification to the frame. What was it, exactly, that made Minuette lock herself in her room and how did Time Turner know? Sure, you have let me know that the girl has not had an easy life. I get that. But there has to be something to set her off or else the reader loses out on some tension. Did a pony make a particularly cruel remark one day that set her over the ledge? I'm making guesses here and that isn't always a good thing in story telling.
You've made an interesting choice, making a sad romance story as short as you did, but by doing that you took a great risk. Truth be told, you might be better off expanding each scene. Give the reader a chance to settle in and get a feel for the character, because most readers aren't going to go into a story with their sad-switch set to max.
I've written a bit here already, so I will only address one more concern: BLOODY TEARS?! Where did that come from and why was Time Turner not more concerned?

[The Notebook]

Keep in mind this was an expiramentation story and probably one of the best stories I will make for a while, this WASN'T editted by any one I only filled a few detail gaps that messed with the story.

[The Notebook]

2683635

After the body dries of all moisture and your eyes are extremely strained from a while (could be a minutes to 7-8 hours) but a few drops of blod will usually fall signaling that you aren't able to release any more moisture at that time. (Or so my sources [cousins] say)

Oh and someone is editing it momentarily.

[DemonOJM]

And I thought she was Romana, no just kidding but thats also a name she gets in somestories because of the Doctor.

[Power to the Bronys]

Dear Humming Notebook,

This review was brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors

Name: Not the Dentist

Grammar Score Out of 10: 5

Pros:
A romance but not of the horrid clop association.
Very excellent dialog towards the end.
You make me feel very empathetic towards Minuette.

Cons:
There was, given the short length of the story, a high amount of grammatical errors.
There were a couple of awkward moments of dialog, like when the teacher called Minuette Colgate.
CackleBack wearing a sombrero seemed very gaudy to me, and made me laugh, which I assume was not intended.

Notes:
To elaborate a little on above statements, you had several moments where a comma or some such instrument was needed but not used, or instances where you either phrased something awkwardly or in such a way that I had no idea as to what you were intending to say. But I don’t mean to belittle your work. I like it. I think it’s a good, short fic and was pleasing to read. I think you are pretty good when it comes to writing, at least when it comes to this story, you just need to work through those annoying grammar bugs that plague us all. Now, I do have one thing to say about the differences in structure between “chapters” one and two. I like how you inverted the past increments and used line spacing between paragraphs. I think you should do the same to “chapter” two for the sake of consistency if nothing else. On a personal note, I applaud the end where Time Turner kissed Minuette. You played that part very well, something I know as an author is hard to do. All-in-all though, due to the grammatical mistakes, I give this story 3/5 cupcakes. (No, not those kind)

Enjoy the review! Please help me out by looking at my story Genesis.

Sincerely,
-Power to the Bronys

[Weird Alicorn]

Hey, I just put up a read through of this fic on youtube!

[The Notebook]

3046667

Sweet I was in the middle of converting a friend when I saw that. I have been trying I think I finally convinced them into the three episode trap.

Also thanks for the advice, I have fixed that problem with run ons now though. This was my first story though (that I actually went back and fixed a bit. It's supposed to be just short, sweet, and somewhat demented in its own right.).

Also I blame spell check and the fact I wrote this in a rage.

[Redbook]

I love this story, the ending was that sweet and heart stabbing romantic while at the same time keep that little sad undertone. I would give it a tumbs up if I had them. Dang hooves don't make things easy on a pony. Keep up the good work.

[The Notebook]

3929983

Honestly this story is in much need of a fix. I just haven't.

[Redbook]

3931424
Where does it need to be fixed at? It all seems good to me. Like I said, it really hit the feels.

[tgb089]

"Minuette Celestia so help me I will break down the door! What's wrong?" Time turner's voice called from outside, obviously distressed.

What's wrong? Where have you been time turner! What's wrong? Bah! Like you didn't know.

I can't imagine what people IRL goes through. I'm surprised Minuette didn't go berserk!