Chapter II: Cults and Mares and Kidnappings, Oh My!
"Twilight, come on, get up!" Spike pleaded as he shook the bed. Contained beneath the sheets like a tightly wound burrito was Twilight, now groaning and muttering what Spike could only conceive were the usual threats of death and injury. Twilight poked her head out from the coiled mess, turning her bloodshot, purple eyes down to the baby dragon. As the world came into focus and stopped doing that wobbly thing she always hated, her eyes then trailed along the inside of the office. Sunlight came in through the window beside her bed, illuminating her surroundings.
"Spike, I don't have to get up," Twilight managed to say as she rubbed her eyes. "I don't have to get up because this is a dream. There is no way yesterday was real and that I am still in this blasted Watch house. I am going to go back to sleep now, and if you touch me or rouse me anymore, I'm going to show you just how interesting a dragon can look when it's turned into a frog."
Spike rolled his eyes as Twilight sank back into her bed. He grasped the sheets and managed to get them half way off of Twilight, who flailed around in protest.
"You have to get up, it's forty-five past and the other ponies are downstairs waiting on you!" he shouted, snatching more of the cover off of Twilight who bit down on the last remaining piece of fabric and tugged at it childishly. The two wrestled with the sheet before Spike couldn't pull anymore and was tossed onto his bottom.
Twilight relaxed once more as the sheet floated gently back down onto her body. She heard Spike give a huff and stomp off, content in the fact she had just been victorious. She began to drift back to sleep, the idea that she'll eventually wake up back in her own bed back in Canterlot at the forefront of her mind. At least until Spike returned.
Her mind compounded the next few seconds as though there were a small committee in her head mulling over the decisions. First came the cold, that was a bother that sent her flying out of her nice warm bed. Then there was the overall wet feeling that made her think a leak had been sprung somewhere in the tree. The overwhelming rage came then, eyes trained on Spike who held a bucket and attempted to conceal his laughter.
Several terrible thoughts swam in Twilight's head, several of which involved turning Spike into various objects like a paper weight or something more sinister, like tying him to a rock and doing research on gravity. It was all interrupted by a knock at the door, one Twilight thought to ignore until it came again louder.
"What!?" Twilight bellowed, her crazed eyes turning towards the door.
As it opened, Twilight peaked in from the crack and looked at the odd scene. "Erm, ma'am? We've been here since eight like ya said ya wanted us. Jus' wonderin' when we're gonna start though."
Twilight shut her eyes and took a deep breath. As the air left her body she sat down on the floor and nodded.
"I'll be there shortly," she said.
Applejack nodded and slowly shrank back out of the office, closing the door behind her. Twilight trained her eyes back on Spike who was still standing over the bed with the bucket. He braced himself for whatever she might do, but she simply walked on by and moved to the shiny breastplate she'd worn the other day and floated it to her to put on. Spike let out a sigh of relief and set the bucket down to walk to her and help out. With her strapped in, Spike snapped his claws and quickly ran to a locker that sat in the corner.
"I almost forgot!" he said excitedly, rummaging through the locker for a moment before producing a helm of copper and iron that looked much like the helms of the other ponies. This one, however, was adorned with three feathers of brilliant colours. Twilight frowned as she stared at it.
"The devil is that?" she asked incredulously.
"It's the official hat of the Watch captain!" Spike exclaimed, rushing towards Twilight with it in claw.
"It looks like a bird gave up on life, I'm not putting that silly thing on my head," she said now turning to the mirror in the office to make certain she was at least presentable through all the water. "I already wore that one hat for the princess, and only after she asked so nicely I couldn't turn her down. No more feathers, I'm sick of looking like a cockatiel trying to find a suitable mate."
"Twilight, it's tradition!" Spike encouraged, trying to pass the hat off to her again.
"It's bloody stupid and you won't be seeing me going about with a peacock's bottom on my head again!"
The door shut behind Twilight as she exited the office. Nestled securely on her head was the helmet of office. She'd forgotten just how persuasive Spike could be when he flashed those giant, wet eyes at her. Below the stairs she could see the various officers of the Watch milling about before Rainbow Dash caught sight of her coming down. Quickly, she swooped to the front of the group and puffed out her chest.
"Groupten'hut!" she shouted, the words practically spilling from her mouth as the ponies lined up. Rainbow Dash turned and gave a crisp salute to Twilight who had made her way down and moved in front of Rainbow Dash, returning the salute.
"Right, fall in," Twilight said as Rainbow Dash nodded and swooped to her place in line. Well, it was line-ish. It had line like properties. It was the kind of line you'd expect a three year old with too much sugar in their system and a box of crayons to draw rabidly on a wall. Not that it mattered much to Twilight, who rubbed her head looking over the sorry lot.
If she had to describe them in a word, she couldn't do it. There was no such word in the English language for what they looked like. Like a gang of lost puppies who decided to dress up and play "Copper". Their gormless expressions only served her point as she inspected each one closely, save for Fluttershy who crumpled beneath the judgmental gaze of Twilight. Returning to the forefront of the line, Twilight cleared her throat.
"Right, I know that yesterday was a bit odd and unsettling for a lot of you," she started, trying her best not to sound bored already with herself. "New captain, new rules and such. However, you're all members of the Watch, something to be proud of! You're not just average citizens, you're officers upholding the law! From what I've heard this is a town sorely in need of some law and swift, by-the-book action! Speaking of which, you all have your manuals right?"
The empty gazes and silence clued her in that they were utterly lost. Twilight's jaw hung open, trying to find words to say before Applejack clopped her hooves together and nodded.
"Oh right! I remember that thing! Got it th' day I arrived!" she exclaimed proudly. "Big book, 'bout so wide and so tall. Shoot, we're usin' mine to keep the desk down in the cells steady!"
"Th-The desk in the cells!?" Twilight sputtered.
"I'm using it to keep my house from wobbling!" Pinkie exclaimed bounding excitedly.
Twilight looked ready to explode and it hadn't even been ten minutes into this inspection. Sharply, she took a breath in and steadily released it, trying to focus herself and not go absolutely bananas. The group was now still, watching their new captain with trepidation. As she gathered herself, Twilight turned back to the group and pointed towards Applejack.
"Sergeant, retrieve your book," she said, the distinct sound of patience slowly being leaked like air out of a balloon heard.
"Yes ma'am!" Applejack saluted and moved out of line to head down into the cells. Twilight took this moment to bring herself down. It was barely after nine and all ready she was prepared to call it quits, send everyone home and drink until this nightmare went away. Kidnappings worked themselves out anyway, right? The kidnapper would eventually get bored with whomever they captured and Bob's your uncle, the poor sod is home.
Applejack swiftly returned with the book tucked in her breastplate. Twilight lifted it from her, floating it towards her covered in pale purple magic. Flipping it open, she shifted her eyes through the text to see rules for dress and appearance. More pages flipped furiously before she came to the point she was looking for.
"Article 4-9 stroke J subsection 4 paragraph iii line 1: Adherence to proper grooming and standards shall be upheld by every member of the Watch at all times!" Twilight stated as she looked back up to the group. "You all look like you just crawled out of bed and settled for whatever you set your hooves into first. Breastplates not polished, hats might as well be scrapped and made into something useful like bedpans and your truncheons look like twigs you snapped off a tree."
"Mine is a tree branch, ma'am," Derpy spoke up.
"Wh-Why!?" Twilight asked, the exasperation settling back in comfortably.
"They didn't have any more to hand out so Captain Boltrider told me to find a branch," she said.
Twilight swore by the end of the day her teeth would become powder from all the grinding and gnashing. Somewhere in her head there was a small pony with a lever and an alarm prepared to throw the switch and send her into a blind rage of spewing caustic words seasoned heavily with expletives. Deciding this would be bad in not only the first day but the first actual hour spent with the Watch, she looked to Rainbow Dash.
"Sergeant Rainbow Dash, please tell me we have sandpaper as well as polish and rags," she said.
"Yes ma'am, in the supply closet!" Rainbow Dash answered proudly.
"This is your task from now until you're done," Twilight said with a huff. "You will remove your armor, sit right where you are and you will sand the rust off that armor and then polish it until it's so shiny it hurts to look at! Clear!?"
"Yes ma'am!" the group shouted loudly.
"Good, Sergeant Rainbow Dash you're in charge until I return from patrol," she said looking to Rainbow Dash, who saluted.
As Twilight moved to the door, her mind laden with burden and strife, she could hear Rainbow Dash shouting at the others to move their lazy bottoms to the supply closet and get cracking on the armor. A relief, to Twilight, that at least someone had some zeal about them.
**********
On the edge of the Everfree Forest a mint coloured pony played gleefully in a rousing game of hide and seek. She giggled to herself as she stealthily plunged into a bush for cover. The sound of her friend counting down could still slightly be heard. Her eyes peered out from the bush and watched as her friend finished the counting and looked around confused as to where her friends went. She watched her gallop off in the opposite direction as her with a satisfied grin. It would be a while before she would be found, so she took the opportunity to relax.
A rustling caught her attention, however. Poking her head out from the bush, she looked around, wondering if one of her friends had gotten the idea to relocate. She saw nothing though, save for a light movement of leaves caught on a high wind in the trees. She shifted uncomfortably.
"Minuette, is that you?" she asked cautiously. Her worried gaze ran along the tops of the bushes before she sank back down into the one she was in. She tried to push it out of her mind before the sound came back and she rose once more with a frown.
"Hey! Quit messin' around whoever you are or else!" she shouted, fear being replaced by courage at whomever might be trying to pull one over on her. A long shadow stretched out beneath her though, making her eyes go wide and sweat form on her brow. A voice came as dark as night.
"Oh please, do go on," it said sinisterly. Before the pony could scream she was muffled and shrouded in darkness with nary a soul to have seen the deed carried out.
**********
Twilight ambled into the street of Ponyville, thankful not only for the air but also the serenity a small town could bring. It was almost enough to make her forget all about the chaos she'd just left behind. Almost. She was still a long way from her comfortable life in Canterlot, trapped in the drab sticks of a "homely" sort of town. In her mind, the only person she could even closely relate to by this point would be Corporal Rarity were she not so...snobbish. That was the word.
Her feet plodded along the dirt of Ponyville, proudly moving on her patrol. Absentmindedly she looked this way and that, not really for trouble, but more to give the rest of her body something to do. How could there be so many reports of kidnappings here? Who in Equestria would want to torment a rustic town like this?
Twilight's mind ran over the ideas of the why. Certainly whomever was responsible had their reasons. Generally these things were over money and a ransom note was sent or left at the scene. Twilight hadn't heard anything of the sort though. Three kidnappings in the last two months with no letter or clue as to who or even what was doing it. She stopped in her tracks and put a hoof to her chin. That was an interesting thought. Everyone was scrambling to find a "who" to put with the kidnappings, why not a what?
Twilight perked up a little and trotted off gleefully. That had to be it! This wasn't a case of who, but what! There was obviously an animal or some such capturing ponies and probably eating them! It was so simple! Her face soured a little, realizing she was actually happy at the thought that an animal could have been strolling through the town and devouring ponies.
She turned a corner and continued along, attempting to return to the more pleasant points of what it could all mean for her. Those ponies could turn up in a cave somewhere that belonged to a bear after a brief search. By that point the Watch would be at least looking competent enough to fool even the most trained eye. Before the week was up, she would be back in Canterlot with everything a distant memory here in Ponyville. It was almost too perfect to imagine!
Twilight continued her musings as she wandered the streets with no incident. Occasionally she would be stopped by ponies greeting her kindly and exchange a few words. Sometimes ask questions about what the average citizen knew or thought of the recent kidnappings. Most of what she heard were strange tales of shadow folk at night dashing in and out of the darkness and a tale about the old Mare in the Moon nonsense. This made her eyes roll so hard she thought she'd lose them.
Beyond the charming nature of these stories lay nothing but rubbish meant to scare young colts and fillies into doing their homework or not eating sweets before bed. Much to her chagrin, many of the ponies she encountered feverishly defended the truthful nature of the stories, saying that within the week of the Summer Sun Festival the Mare in the Moon would return to reclaim the throne.
As if some moon-lit tart could do that! Twilight thought to herself with a huff. She knew Celestia well, knew the kind of princess she was. Always smiling, but it was a devious sort of smile. Nothing inherently evil, just a plotting sort of smile. What was even more frightening to Twilight was she had never seen Celestia angry over anything. It was as though nothing got to her. She always had that same motherly tone to her. She could honestly have tacked on the wings and glued on a horn and Twilight was certain no one would question her status as a princess.
The hours had flown by as Twilight began to wind down the patrol in the mid afternoon. She felt she had a fairly good grasp of the town's layout as well. Of course hours of aimlessly meandering can do that to one's sense of direction. As she strode back, she wondered if Sergeant Rainbow Dash had also fed the Watch during her absence. The last thing she'd want to come back to was complaints of an unfair work environment and slave driving without proper breaks. Her mind was heavy again, an issue she'd hoped to correct with this stroll.
**********
The muffled cries of other ponies could be heard through the darkness as the mint coloured pony whimpered beneath a darkened hood. She had no idea where she was, only that she was now amongst others and she'd stopped moving. Suddenly, the hood was removed, revealing a dark room full of dark figures standing about. One of them shuffled towards her menacingly. It towered above her as she flattened against the ground and looked up with dewy eyes.
"Excellent work Shadow Four," it said sharply. The mint pony couldn't see eyes, but she could certainly feel them.
"Happy to help, Shadow One!" the chipper stallion quipped as one of the other shadows slithered next to him and gave him a hoof bump.
Trixie rolled her eyes behind the darkness of the robes and returned her gaze to the mint pony before her, who shivered on the floor with her hooves above her head. A wicked grin slid across her face as she watched the pony tremble beneath her feet before stamping one hoof beside the mint ponies' head.
"So sorry my dear," she said with a smirk. "I'm afraid you'll have to get used to the darkness. Try not to cause too much trouble though, eh? We need you as a pawn in our grand scheme to bring Nightmare Moon back into this world. With all of you well in hand, our glorious leader will summon Nightmare Moon and dip the entire world into darkness! Imagine a world filled with shadow! A world run by Nightmare Moon and we as it’s heralds! While you non-believers sulk about in your eternal night, we shall reign supreme with a monopoly on all the goods of Equestria! When night falls, the Cult of Shadows shall reign, and everypony will have no choice but to bow to our hooves and kiss them!”
Trixie cackled as the other two stared at one another from their hoods. One of them cleared their throats as she realized she had been posing this entire time as though a fanfare of menacing instruments would suddenly echo through the room. Perhaps she would have to bring that up at the next meeting and make certain it became a thing.
“So relax for now,” Trixie said from beneath the hood, grinning once more. “Enjoy our comfortable living arrangements."
The mint pony felt herself grabbed by the mane and dragged back into another part of the room. The sound of creaking metal and a slamming echoed in the vacant space. Beside her, she could feel the others next to her as they huddled together and tried to forget the terrible position they were in. As she moved to the bars to try to pierce the darkness with her eyes, she heard the shuffling of hooves against stone and the closing of a door off in the distance.
The mint coloured pony sank back and stared at the ground. This was the worst game of hide and seek she'd ever played.
**********
The road below Twilight rolled along as she moved back towards the Watch House. Her mind was once again heavy with plans and grumblings about her fellow officers. The overall feeling that she should simply say forget it and go find these ponies herself weighed most prominently in her mind. These were the same ponies hired on to try to prevent this very thing from happening, right? Well, all but Derpy it seemed. For all Twilight knew she showed up and began playing along before being promoted and settled in as one of the familiar faces.
The shattering of glass tore Twilight from her thoughts. Her eyes looked upwards from their gloomy gaze to see a gathering of rather angry looking ponies just outside of the Watch house. She was beside herself, trying to figure out just what was going on. Galloping towards the madness, she saw Rainbow Dash's mane poke up a little before a rock parted it and it sank back into the window.
"Watch it!" Twilight shouted, now trying to shove past the angry crowd and get in front of the door to the Watch house. The group undulated with her passing, a few grim stares and curses uttered her way as she stopped right in front of the door and turned to them. She could feel the hate that was thick in the air. She did everything she could to choke back the unease and look strong against this assault.
"I am Captain Twilight Sparkle, what is the meaning of this?" she asked sternly, trying her best to return the stares she was receiving.
"Somepony got taken!" someone in the crowd shouted, causing the rest of the crowd to back it up jeers of "yeah!" and "that's right!"
"So you decided it would be a good idea to just storm up to the Watch house and throw rocks through our windows?" Twilight asked.
"The Watch never does anything for us!" another voice cried followed by more cheering.
Twilight kept her cool. She was only here a day and didn't know the Watch that well, but she had a feeling that claim was not entirely unfounded. She instead decided to change her stance, see if she could shift this in her favor.
"So instead of filing a formal complaint, you just wandered right up here and started smashing windows?" Twilight asked, awaiting this response.
"Yeah!" the crowd cheered in unison before a single voice came out of it. "We tried before and nothing was ever done about it!"
"That's a lie!" Corporal Rarity shouted from the window, aiming an accusing hoof out to the crowd. "Not a single pony out here ever tried to go through the right cha-"
She was cut off by having to duck another rock that was thrown right at her head. The situation was grim for sure as the mob churned and looked as though they were getting ready to storm the building as well as run over Twilight. She then did the only thing she could think of at that point.
"Spike!" she cried over the shouting crowd. It made them back away a moment, unsure of what a "spike" exactly was. To them it may have been a very large and muscled pony that would enforce the law in their own way, but the sight of the baby dragon poking his head out the window adorned with a pot for protection made some of them sigh in relief.
"Wh-What?" he asked nervously.
"I need you to take a letter," Twilight said with a grin.
"Twilight, I don't think this is the right time," he said, reluctantly reaching for a quill and parchment.
"Dear Princess Celestia," the name had the right reaction once she'd said it, as the crowd looked to one another. "I wish to report, hmm, let's see here. I'd say about, fifty of you?"
"Forty-one, actually!" a helpful shout came.
"Yes, forty-one, thank you. Forty-one guilty parties for the crimes of destruction of public property, obstruction of justice, failure to file a formal complaint and, hmm. Is anyone hurt?"
"My stomach is kinda rumbling!" Pinkie's voice came from inside the tree.
"Does it hurt?" Twilight asked, regretting she had slightly.
"...Yes. Yes it does."
"Right, add injury to an officer of the Watch," she said, now turning her gaze back onto the crowd. They had largely dispersed, leaving only a few ponies milling about. The rest of the Watch peered out from the shattered windows, relief washing over them to see the crowd had moved on from picking on them.
"Well then," Twilight said, adjusting the helmet on her head. "Would anyone left over like to give a formal complaint and show us where it all happened?"
"Yes, please!" a voice came from a beige coated pony. Twilight saw her face and the tears that stained it, now giving a worried glance.
"Corporal Rarity," Twilight said.
"Yes ma'am?" Rarity spoke up from the window.
"Take the report then get ready, all of you."
"Ma'am?" Applejack inquired.
"We're going to investigate the scene of the crime," Twilight said with what could be counted as enthusiasm.
The paperwork process was long and arduous, a part of the reason no one ever filed a formal complaint. Twilight sighed a bit; were she planning on staying longer she might just have to revitalize this. Lucky for her and her brilliance, she wouldn't have to stay! As time dragged on, the mare who called herself Bon Bon described a game of hide and seek they'd been playing before they noticed the victim, Lyra, was nowhere to be found. Twilight felt bad, especially if she was right about a bear or some horrid creature attacking the other ponies.
Finally the report had been filed and the investigation was ready to get underway. The Watchmares gathered their armor and helmets that, much to Twilight's amazement, now looked decent enough to be considered a uniform. Lead on by Bon Bon and Twilight, the Watch house emptied leaving Spike to clean up the broken glass and rocks that lay about the floor.
The group traveled towards the edge of the Everfree Forest. Twilight looked on to see if there were any signs of a struggle or animal markings. She frowned, though, finding none. Perhaps it was a giant bird?
"You're sure you saw her take off this way but not enter the forest?" Twilight asked.
"Uh huh!" Bon Bon answered. "She dove into a bush around here while Twinkleshine was counting at the tree over there."
"Right, Watch, line up," Twilight bellowed as the Watch formed in front of her. "Who here has done a proper investigation?"
Much as Twilight expected, no one raised their hooves.
"We did do a class on it one time," Fluttershy spoke up giving a nod.
"How long ago?" Twilight asked, already certain of the answer.
"Um, I don't really remember."
Twilight was wondering just how many times she'd sighed in disappointment over this sorry lot. "Okay, investigation isn't that difficult. You're basically looking around for anything that might be out of place. Think about your environment and think to yourself that when something just doesn't look right!"
The group nodded, seeming to grasp the concept.
"So it's like a game of hide the muffin!" Derpy exclaimed.
"Exactly like that Corporal," Twilight said, figuring it better to go with it. "Now, Sergeant Applejack, you're with me. Sergeant Rainbow Dash take Constable Fluttershy and Corporal Derpy with you and see if you can see something from the sky. Corporal Rarity, you're with Constable Pinkie Pie."
"Delighted," Rarity said with a modicum of disgust, which made Twilight giggle on the inside just ever so slightly.
"Fan out, look around and see if there's anything that's out of place," Twilight said as the group took off and trotted away to search the area. Applejack made her way next to Twilight and looked at the others.
"What do ya think we'll find ma'am?" Applejack asked giving Twilight a sidelong glance.
"Animal tracks," Twilight said proudly.
"Ma'am?"
"Obviously whatever has been kidnapping these ponies hasn't been doing it for anything that anypony would want. To me that rules out other ponies wanting to kidnap somepony for ransom or what not. Logically, this only leaves wild animals who've come and..."
Twilight trailed off as she noticed Bon Bon staring at them quivering. Perhaps it wasn't the best of ideas to speak loudly of one's ideations on death and dismemberment by way of wild animals. Especially in front of those that might be a bit sensitive to it.
"Just follow me," Twilight said, moving towards the bushes on the edge of the forest. "We'll no doubt find tracks and anything else that might lead us right to a nest or den and to the rest of the kidnapped ponies."
And right out of this one horse town. Twilight thought to herself, gleeful at not only the pun she'd thought up but also the thought of heading back to Canterlot. Turning her focus down to the bushes, she pushed a few of them aside, looking around for anything that would possibly indicate a large, hulking creature snatched up the poor dear. She found nothing though, no snapped branches, no leaves out of order, even the bugs nestled within seemed undisturbed.
"Captain!" Pinkie shouted suddenly. "We found something!"
Twilight perked up and felt relief. Bear tracks, it had to be bear tracks. She trotted over, sure-hearted of the evidence. What she got, however, was something far stranger and indicative of something far more sinister. There, pressed into the ground were what looked like long drag marks. Twilight felt her heart sink as she stared at them. Wagon, yes, a wagon came through! Her eyes turned downward to her own hooves. They were the perfect spacing for a pony to have been dragged against their will.
"Captain!" Applejack shouted, galloping towards her. Twilight was shaken from her thoughts as the orange mare indicated towards her teeth. Twilight reached out a hoof and deposited in it was a black shred of cloth.
"Where?" she asked, almost sounding out of it.
"The bush back there, ma'am," Applejack said, pointing towards the area she'd just been searching.
Twilight tumbled back, the shred of cloth still in her hoof. Her eyes went from it to the drag marks back and forth for a few moments. Her mind swam, trying to piece this all together rationally. Twilight's pragmatic mind began to kick in and take over. The drag marks, suspicious cloth tangled up in the brush looking fresh and worst of all a lack of animal tracks. Her gaze seemed distant as she stared at nothing.
"Hey, Captain?" Pinkie said, poking her a bit. "You okay? Did you zone out? I zone out, like a lot, let me tell you. Sometimes I'll be sitting there and thinking to myself and then the next thing I know the whole day went by! Usually happens on patrol. I remember one t-"
"Constable," Twilight said flatly. Pinkie looked down to her only watch as Twilight pursed her lips and made a shushing motion with her hoof. "Sergeant?"
"Ma'am?" Applejack asked.
"Call Sergeant Rainbow Dash and the others back in."
Applejack nodded and trotted off to yell as loud as she could to get the attention of the flyers. Corporal Rarity moved next to Twilight and looked to the cloth for a moment.
"Is everything all right, ma'am?" she asked, giving Twilight a concerned look.
"I'm going to be stuck here, Corporal," she said before laying back and staring up at the sky. "I'm going to be stuck here forever with you lot."
"We should throw a party then!" Pinkie exclaimed, hopping up and down excitedly. Twilight ran a hoof down her face, the thought of another party or any sort of joviality escaping her. Bon Bon, in the meantime, was still standing by, trying to figure out just what was going on and if she'd made some sort of grand mistake going to the Watch instead of hiring someone to find her friend.
As the pegasi landed, Twilight had gotten up and was now in the process of rubbing her forehead. If she'd had fingers, she would certain be pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation.
"All right," she said finally. "This is what we're going to do. Tomorrow we meet eight o'clock in the morning once again. You bring your truncheons and your manuals. You bring those helmets and breastplates, nice and shiny. I want you to keep working on them. Tomorrow we're going to go by the book. Tomorrow we're going to make officers of the law out of all of you."
She got to her hooves and nodded to Sergeant Rainbow Dash before turning to Bon Bon and wandering over to her.
"Watchdismissed!" Rainbow Dash belted out as the Watch scattered in their various directions.
"Ma'am?" Twilight said as Bon Bon looked to her with a weak smile. Twilight pursed her lips and exhaled sharply. Dealing with friends and family, investigations, all of it was awkward and uncomfortable to her. Bon Bon wiped her eyes and shrank a little.
"A-Apologies Captain, I just hope she's okay," Bon Bon said as Twilight nodded.
"Don't worry ma'am, we'll find her," Twilight said with an assuring nod and pat of her hoof on the mare's back.
With that, Twilight escorted Bon Bon back to her home and made certain she was safe. As she headed back to the Watch house, she stared down at the ground in thought. The animal thing was a pipe dream; this was serious though. Someone actually capturing ponies for some purpose. It was time to learn a thing or two. Her walk came to a trot as she quickly came to the lit up Watch house and opened the door.
Inside, Spike was tidying up the last of the glass and rock that was spread around on the floor. She was amazed at just how much the tiny dragon had gotten done.
"Spike, I need you to gather all the materials you can concerning the Watch," she said as he tossed the broom and pan aside.
"What's up?" he asked curiously.
"We've got an actual case on our hooves, and if I'm going to train these ponies then I need to know just what they need to be trained on. I'll need the manuals, every version of them. I'll need paper, ink and a quill. I'll also need coffee, lots of it."
Spike happily nodded and set off to his work. Twilight in the meantime climbed up the stairs removing the helmet which she regarded with a sneer. As the door opened, her helmet and breastplate were set to the side and she sat down behind the desk. She was prepared to do exactly what needed to be done, even if it took her all bloody night.
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You might want to add a horizontal rule between the Twilight and Cult sections; at the moment they kind of run together, and it's a little jarring to jump to an entirely different scene with just the start of a new paragraph.
2577564
I've gotten so used to writing without them, blah. Let me get in and work on that real quick.
ADDENDUM: Hopefully that breaks it up better and is far less confusing.
Well, this certainly looks like it's getting good, and is fitting both Equestria and Discworld settings and style quite nicely. It almost makes me wonder what would happen if Celestia and Havlock Vetinari ever met.
(Idle thought: they would either get along famously, or Celestia would constantly complain about Havlock never writing her on Mother's Day.)
Minor suggestion: some form of page break or other indication when the scene shifts. Without that visual cue for the reader, it can be very disorienting.
I've put up a few breaks here and there in the hopes it will be less confusing, will remember to do this for the rest of the chapters. Other than that, if there is something to be fixed or made easier for those out there to read, let me know. I wont be able to get to it immediately as at the moment I'm not only writing chapter four but also dealing with quite the terrible fever which means this will be a very interesting chapter.
After reading the first chapter, I considered posting a mini-rant telling you that your attempts to duplicate Sir Pratchett's style was failing miserably, and that you should try and find your own style while keeping with the themes of Discworld. I chose not to do this, as your story was actually very well-written in the technical aspects (grammer, syntax, formatting, etc.) and the content (no talking heads, coherent plots, good characterization), and I didn't want to sound mean-spirited or dampen the enthusiasm of such a skilled author.
Imagine my surprise and delight, upon reading this latest chapter, to find that the comment I had considered making was wholly unnecessary.In the space of a single chapter, you seemed to have ironed out a large number of the kinks in your narrative style, finding a good balance between MLP, Discworld, and you. I don't know if your first chapter was just you on an off day or if you had some kind of epiphany, but this chapter is pretty much as good as it gets. I'm glad I decided to follow this story, now.
I wish you the best of luck going forward!
2579890
While it's always nice to find out I've been missed out on a bollocking, the best I can say is the first chapter was written with the belief in mind that this was going to turn out to be one of those stories that do well enough, but nothing to write home about. Twenty views, handful of likes and dislikes then shuffled off the new stories page with nary a whimper. With the first chapter, I was also working on other fics should this one do miserably as well as a novel I've been plugging away at for the past few months. To say the first chapter didn't get much love would be a correct assumption.
It was around the time the story had made it to the feature box that I found myself horribly mistaken and even ashamed. I set everything aside and began immediate planning and work on the rest of the series, doing it all within a day, including the second chapter. I couldn't be happier with the reaction I've received and now want to turn my love and attention to it not only because I enjoy it, but for the enjoyment of everyone here who seems to want more.
2579916
The difference in attention really shows. Continue in this direction and you'll have a proper hit on your hands.
...Speaking of hands. Do a search-and-replace on this chapter; you used the word "hands" when you meant hooves, and I think you did it more then once.
2580032
Yes I did, thanks for the catch. It's tough going from writing for humans then changing gears and writing for ponies sometimes. Especially with a fever.
2580036
Yikes. You get some rest, man. The story'll still be here when you're healthy.
And so, the training begins.
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK7XwLbd-oI]
This song will fit perfectly.
2579890
Author is doing fairly well, considering. I'm actually starting to imagine some of the watch ponies with various UK accents: Twilight and Rarity with recieved pronounciation, Pinkie Pie sounding Mancunian, Applejack from the West Country, Fluttershy as Welsh and cockney Rainbow Dash and Derpy.
I could nitpick over a couple of words (and at least one apostrophe), but overall, I'm liking this. Keep it up.
Very good chapter - a massive improvement on the first, and that wasn't exactly bad.
There is just, one thing;
Ah - no. The past tense of 'drag' is 'dragged'. The only usage of 'drug' I am aware of generally refers to various legally restricted chemicals.
2637594
Ah, thank you, I'll correct that straight away. Have a hard time with that for some reason.