ShadowHunter241
Joined 14th Apr, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Eagle · 19k words · 212 12 · 6k views
- lockheed · 209k words · 177 50 · 7.8k views
- Eagle · 50k words · 279 15 · 7.3k views
- Jetstream S · 26k words · 232 29 · 7.2k views
- Merchent343 · 0 words · 403 36 · 0 views
- Green Hills · 187k words · 387 42 · 8.8k views
- CptBrony · 271k words · 497 45 · 10k views
- USMC517 · 88k words · 233 33 · 5.3k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.072 seconds
Total duration
916 users online
1,370,652 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I like it so far. Only real grammar/spelling problem I found was that you weren't spelling out your numbers (Three instead of 3). The only exception is when you are naming things, like his aircraft.
You're off to a good start and I look forward to the next chapter.
Just remember you don't need to rush chapters. People would rather wait longer, than get one sooner that is full of grammar and spelling errors.
good so far nothing bad seems like he diapered in the Bermuda triangle witch i so funny i don't think he's near it
2560811
agreed and the chapters are better when they aren't rushed i was going to say something else what was it..................oh well i well say it later oh well.
edit
_________________________________
i remembered does his plane still work and if not how bad condition is it.
2560811 Awesome, I'm glad you like it. Hmm, I thought I fixed that number thing. Oh well, thanks for bringing it to my attention. I'm trying my best not to rush them, and I SHOULD get better at it as the story progresses, I just need to get a good schedule down. I might go back and rewrite some parts later on, to fill out the chapters a bit more. We'll see how things go first. Anyways, thanks for the feedback! It is very much appreciated.
2562095 The following chapters should be better in the 'not being rushed' department. I'm not quite used to writing things like this, and it didn't help when my English professor had me cut out all the filler in my academic papers.
As for the aircraft... You'll just have to wait and see!
Alright... I don't fuck with peoples grammar, so I'll let your bad grammar slide. What really pissed me off, is that you did no research whatsoever. *Sigh* Get ready for a verbal beating.
They don't use "Miles" In the airforce. They use meters.
I'm sure there is more stuff that is not right in the second chapter, but this is my review on the first chapter.
First chapter conclusion?
Do your motherfucking research
*sigh* This is... Let me just tell you what is wrong with the second chapter.
An A10C Is very hard to crash land, I could go into exactly why, but that would take forever, I'll just sum it up: It's very clunky, and slow. Meaning, he would have a hard time crash landing it and living, especially crashing while unconscious with no control.
The protagonist also uses civilian speech, apposed to military speech, which wouldn't happen so quickly. I know people who still use military terms even after being out of the military for a long time.
And, there is alto of culture shock after getting out of the military. Every civilian seems disgusting, they chew while walking, and talk while walking. That is just a few of things that people just getting out of the military experience.
Story Conclusion?
Do your fucking research. Again.
2563424 unless you have some skewed sense of logic, you black out in a cockpit, you're likely leaning forward on the stick when you return-to
2564164 Meaning you would crash into the ground head on... Plus you would probably go into a spin from diving so fast, and hard.
2564388 yep
Wait, what? What attack? I thought it was in response to a treat?
...
You need to spend more time with your characters and there is no real since of a passage of time. You don't really show and/or tell us anything about the main character, to the point that: from when the second plane hit the WTC, to when he is getting in his plane, doesn't feel like years later, even though you told us it is. Show us your MC's trails and short-comings in dealing with his wife and daughter's passing. Or at least tell us about them.
...
Some may disagree, but I think you actually spent enough time with James "Scorpius" Stratford, IF we never see him again and/or he is not relevant to the plot.
...
Also beware of relining on peoples knowledge of aircraft. The people who know what an E-3 sentry is or the flying saucer, without it being described to them, are the people who will flip-shit over little inaccuracies. Were the people that won't pick up on those inaccuracies will not know what an AWACS or an A-10 is without it being described to them.
You really need to show us, not just tell us. because right now your kind of setting a tone that says "These moments will be glossed over in favor of moving the plot ahead" Twi's and John's meeting is an important point to your story, what Twi asked, how John answered (her important questions not all of them) her, and how she reacted to those answers is important. Did John bullshit his way through the Q&A like he was a POW? Or could he not be bothered to give a fuck? Did Twi take his answers at face value or with suspicion? This tells us how you see these characters. E.G: If She took them at face value then that would tell us that your Twi is very trusting or naïve.
...
The dialog is very... utilitarian. It has it's use and is good at keeping the plot moving, but... not much else. Don't get me wrong, that can work. I mean, look at James Cameron. And I'll take it over cheesy, cliché any day. But it will lack "depth".
I am enjoying it, all things considered.
This story needs a lot of work.
2563389 I'm usually pretty good about grammar, I'll re-read everything to see if I missed anything after I re-read it the first time.
I will probably change the miles into kilometers at some point, but it slipped my mind at the time I wrote that chapter.
Contrary to what you may think, I have been doing research (off and on) for the past 6 or so YEARS. I just need to work on my writing skills, not to mention, I wrote both chapters in the span of about 24 hours with minimal sleep.
2565427 I agree.
2563424 From this comment, would it be safe to assume that you have played DCS: A-10C before? Because I do too. So, if that simulator has a good representation of the flight characteristics of the aircraft, then I am VERY familiar with how the aircraft flies. (Which is part of the reason I chose it in the first place)
Also, many factors would have a hand in the ability to safely crash land ANY aircraft, such as trim, damage to the airframe, speed at which the aircraft is traveling, the ability of the pilot to act rationally under stress, weather, landing zone, any ordinance the aircraft is carrying, shape/size/weight of the aircraft, and also (a biggie) whether or not the pilot is conscious or not. In this case, he was not. Just call it luck. It's a story, with magical, talking, technicolor ponies.... I'll leave it at that.
Maybe the protagonist talks like a civvie because I'm a civvie, and I'm writing the story? I haven't used military vocabulary for at least a year, so give me some time to re-adjust. I'll get better.
Hmmm.... something to look into, although none of the other military-esque HiE stories I've read on this site have breached the topic of 'adjusting to culture shock', and if they have then it was very brief. Still might look into it. And I'm not doubting the validity of that statement.
Again, researched quite thoroughly, I just might not be verbalizing? any of it the way you want me to.
2564845 Oops, thought I fixed that. I had re-written bits of the prologue and I guess I missed that bit when I was looking through it.
Yeah... I'm feeling a re-write coming on... Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. All this feedback has really given me some ideas on how to fix things.
I'm gonna have to disagree there. I think I need to spend a little more time with James. To me, it just doesn't feel like James and John are as close as they really are. And for the record, I DO plan on bringing him back at some point
Yeah, might put together a glossary of terms. That would certainly make it easier than having to explain things in the middle of the story. Maybe a disclaimer along the lines of 'If you don't know what something is, Google it'.
2565038 I ran into a stint of writers block during that part. It took me about 2 hours to write that segment. Definitely doing a rewrite.
Part of the issue I have with dialogue is that I've never written it before, as there's no need for it in academic papers. Which is also why everything is so 'bland'; academic papers are very cut-and-dried and have no need for all those juicy tidbits of information that I know y'all love so much. Trust me though, I'll only get better with practice... and these first two attempts have been very good practice.
2564388 That would depend on the altitude of the aircraft. The higher the aircraft, the worse the crash would be.
2569993 Still, like I posted earlier, he would still crash, plus, the lower you are to the ground, the more resistance the wind gives. The ground makes the air harder to fly through, don't ask me why, I don't know why. Around 100m is where is starts happening. And the lowest a A10C flys, is around 150m(ish) So, by the time he gets to 100m, he would already be nosediving straight down, his plane would spin out from the fast motion, and he would die. any head on collision from 100mph in an A10C would result in immediate death. But 100mph (80, IF the wind is in your favor) is where the the a10C starts stalling, meaning that he would be stalling, and spinning, which would kill him once hitting the ground.
In conclusion, could you fix that, please?
2569930 I like that you accept criticism, it's nice to find a writer who does. anywho, yes. I do play that game... I also have done hours of research, going to get my pilots license here soon, and, a family friend actually flew an A10C when he was still in the military, I have learned from him aswell. I've devoted time and money to learning how to fly an A10C, and, really all military aviation... I have several flight sticks just for different flight sims, with different planes, most of which being hundreds of dollars for one flightstick.
I've literally devoted my whole life to flying military aviation vehicles, so sorry if I'm a little nit picky about this kind of stuff.
And yes, culture shock does happen. Imagine going from a military structure, were there is so many strict rules, to doing whatever you want, whenever.
*psst* I'm pretty sure the reason that other military HiE's don't have culture shock, is because alot of them are bad, people think that when you join the military you are "Badass" And they never get the real emotion behind why you do it, and why it will stick with you forever.
Anywho, I haven't disliked, or liked this yet, but because you weren't an ass like most writers, I'll give it a like!
Also, sorry for being a dick to you...
2570131 Possibly due to gravitational forces? I don't really know either. I'm not disagreeing with anything, but I've left out a bunch of important details (on purpose) that will explain why the crash happened the way it did. So, I'm not necessarily going to fix it, but just explain things a bit more.
I accept the criticism because I want this story to be enjoyable for the reader, and that means taking the reader's opinions into account. It's a great game, and I wish you the best of luck in getting that license. I've wanted to fly since I was little, but stuff got in the way of me getting a licence, so I went with the next best thing: a kickass computer and a bunch of simulators, as well as the hardware to go with it. I'm a bit strapped for cash, so I only have two flight sticks. Recently upgraded from a Saitek X52 to an X65F. I've had the X52 for a few years now, so it's a bit beat up, but it gets the job done well enough.
Oh, usually I'd be nit picky too, but after a week of 11 hour work days and 4 hours of sleep a night, my try-hard button was a little broken. Should be fixed soon though.
Never thought about it like that before.
Meh, they weren't that bad. I liked them. However, I think that it would detract from the story a bit if the main character was depressed the whole time. Oh well. I'll still look into adding it in at some point. It may not be that extreme, but it'll be in there in some form or another.
I try not to be an ass. However, if someone is being an ass to me, then I will gladly reciprocate. Although I'm writing this for MY enjoyment (and as a way to pass the time), everyone that reads it is doing so for THEIR enjoyment. Me being me, I simply cannot lift my own wants and desires over others. Therefore, I take all feedback and criticism as a chance to fix things and make the reading more enjoyable for everyone.
I didn't think you were being a dick. I thought of it more along the lines of being 'more verbose than others about a certain topic of interest'. Plus, I have thick skin to begin with (comes with being a Brony). If I wanted to get chewed out by a bunch of dicks, I wouldn't be here... I'd be in the comments on YouTube
Also, sorry for being a dick to you...
2571054 They don't need to be depressed all the time, but they should be depressed when things remind them of... Lets say, a friend dieing.
Also, you weren't a dick, don't worry.
2572279 True... Wow, talking to you has really got the wheels in my head turning. Got lots of new stuff to play around with
Haha, whoops, meant to take that out. That was actually part of your comment. Since your comment was all the way at the top of the list, and the reply box is at the bottom, I copied the comment into the box so I could read it whilst replying. As I went down the list, I deleted the parts that I had responded to. I guess I missed one
, sorry 'bout that.
Good to know though.
2572512 Good, I hope I was of help than! :D
And, that makes sense, I actually do that sometimes, otherwise I miss what people say in their comments
Ok, rewrite for this chapter is complete, here y'all go!
I like it. You did the rewrite exceptionally, Really, no criticism from me on this chapter... :) Keep up the good work.
Rewrite complete!
I hope y'all like it!
DID SOMEONE SAY STEEL RAIN
DUDE....
Great job with the re-write.
If the next one is like these last two are you will get my upvote.
Good job man and as promised that upvote.
LIK DIS IF U CRY EVRY TIEM.
oh god, they found guns, wonder if he'll ID one of mans most powerful weapons; AKA Hydrogen bombs/ Nukes
Why'd you remove Chapter 3?
2615732 Ah, whoops. Just buggered up the numbers. Don't know how that happened. And I may have accidentally hit the "Unpublish" button. Should be fixed now.
Are you going to give ponies guns? Please don't. I hate it when a fict does that because then the mane character has no advantages to the ponies and become less prominent fighteres than the ponies. Also, ponies+guns=chaos
2615913 I can see where you're coming from, but you don't know where I'm headed with this. You'll just have to wait until the next chapter to find out
, which I'm writing as we speak 
I still don't know why this has so many down votes. Over all its a rather good story.
2616332 The majority of them came before the rewrite.
This chapter made me laugh
Having soldier become royal guard.
SUPER GAY!!! and not in a homosexual sense more in the. It always happens in every sie fic ever except mine.
I dont think I want to read this anymore.
2616900 True, it does happen a lot, but right now, I'm just laying the framework for things to come. Don't count me out just yet
Nnope, nope, nope. People who join the US Military wont just change to another military just because they are stranded there. Nope, nope. Sorry, Gotta get rid of my like, and favorite. Almost every soldier in equestria fic does this, and its stupid. Maybe a "Soldier" (U.S. ARMY) would betray his country, but not any other branch.
2618073 I know that, but this is a STORY. If I wanted it to be realistic, he'd still be tied to the bed in the hospital, his plane would be turned into scrap, and he would have to use a cane for the rest of his life.
Besides, what would you do in his position? Stranded in Equestria, with no possible way of returning home, standing in front of the rulers of said country, who just asked you to do something that just happens to pertain to your skill set.
Besides, I don't think I could've written an entire chapter about him battling his inner morals. The story wouldn't get anywhere because I'm not very good at that kind of stuff.
And like I said earlier, I know it happens a lot, because I've read a lot of them. I'm just laying the groundwork for things to come. If the whole story was about him guarding doors, I wouldn't even bother writing it.
I wanted this story to be somewhat different than all the others, but there will be some similarities, the main one being the guard thing. Granted, I probably could've found a way to slow the chapter down a bit, but maybe I'll put something in there later.
Heh. A-10 pilot & his aircraft in Eq?
Oncoming war?
Interesting.
Read later.
Longer chapter are fine but take too long, short chapters are good but are too quick to read. Try to find a balance. Usually, I try to balance about 2,000-4,000 words. Long enough to get the point of the chapter in, but short enough so that you can easily put them out quickly.
Just my 2 cents.