Chapter Eight
Richardson barely felt himself being dragged by the legs across the grass. He had a vague idea that he was conscious, but really still felt like he was sleeping. The sunlight shone through his closed eyelids, creating a almost majestic white background for his semi-conscious mind to dwell.
His head ran over a rock and quickly brought him back to his senses. His legs were shoved down onto the ground. His hands were bound by plastic restraints. He struggled against them with his returning strength, but to no avail. His chest suddenly became heavy and he began coughing violently.
"Alright, that's all of them," a voice said. "On their knees, on their knees."
Richardson was tugged by his shoulders onto his knees, as per the man's orders. Richardson stopped coughing long enough to keep his eyes open and observe the area.
All the marines on scene, including the three scientists, were lined up across the clearing. Directly across from them, a dropship had landed and a separate line of the horse detainees had been formed. Men clad in what looked almost identical to the riot control gear used by Colonial Militia were patrolling the area or maintaining the lines. What struck Richardson as odd was that the men were in a completely different camouflage than what was appropriate for a forested area: Digital Arctic.
A single man stood out amongst the others. He wore little more than a few plates of armor on his front and back. Judging from the fact that he wasn't doing any of the heavy lifting, it was easy to guess that he was the leader.
"Well then. Good job, boys," the man said. "I figured the Marine Corps would have figured a way to filter the gas by now, but it's of no real concern now."
"Who in the hell are you?" Wesner said a few meters to the left of Richardson. "Some executive asshole, obviously."
"Captain, who I am is of no importance whatsoever. I am just a man," he replied.
"Spare me. Weyland-issue gunboats? Armed bodyguards? I don't know anyone else who would have that besides Michael Weyland," Wesner rolled his eyes. "I thought you were confirmed dead a decade ago after a ship wreck on Aegis."
"The military actually cares about my personal life, eh?" Weyland grimaced. "No. I'm still alive and kicking. The SSI always never really do particularly well in their field of work."
"This planet is under exploration of the EarthGov Expeditionary-" Nelson said from Richardson's right.
"Oh, I know. That little tidbit of information made sure I wasn't coming here to a fight," Weyland said. "Suffice to say, I know everything EarthGov told you and more. Much, much more."
Richardson had begun to zone out again. The gas didn't seem to have completely cycled from his body and the effects of it was still in effect. Before he could fall asleep, a guard hit the back of his head with the butt of a rifle. Blood dribbled down Richardson's neck.
"You will release us, including the horses, now." The look on the Captain's face was stern and cold. "You are overstepping your bounds, Weyland."
"I am not restricted to your 'bounds', Captain, nor EarthGov's." Weyland kept a relatively stoic expression amidst the severity of his actions. He walked over to the largest white equine, which was still unconscious. "And these things are going to make sure it stays that way no matter what."
"What are you even talking about?" Wesner grunted, making one last futile attempt to free himself from the restraints. "If you know as much as I do, then you should remember that there's nothing on this planet you can use. All ore and minerals on this planet are worthless."
"This isn't about petty corporate squabbles over natural resources, Captain." Weyland sighed. "It's about the advancement of Mankind. The hope of a new future."
Wesner rolled his eyes. "Oh good God in heaven..."
"You already know what I'm talking about, Captain. Don't pretend like this isn't important," Weyland said irritatedly. "These things have what the ancient civilizations of Man only dreamed of."
"If you're talking about-"
"I am."
"Then you should know that we have no way in hell of getting that ourselves." Wesner also somehow was keeping his cool, given the circumstances.
"But we already have." Weyland's smirk turned into a white smile. His expression conveyed all the pride he had towards whatever they had accomplished.
"Sir, what is he gibbering about about?" Nguyen asked.
"The fool thinks that he can get magic like the horses use for himself," Wesner said. "I don't buy any of it."
"Ten years with nothing to do but study them helped us along significantly." Weyland shivered. "I still get chills thinking about it."
"Sounds like an interesting story. Unfortunately, you're about to shoot us all," Wesner said.
"Not all of you," Weyland chuckled. "Men, free Dekowski. Welcome back to the loving arms of the Weyland Corporation, Sergeant."
Two of the bodyguards sliced the restraints off of Dekowski's wrists. "Good to be back, Mr. Weyland. Squad Three is ready for your orders."
Most of the men lined up and bound were freed at the sergeant's prompting. There were around a dozen of them before this sudden betrayal, but now there were only seven of them left: Nguyen, Richardson, Wesner, Nelson, and the scientists. Something didn't quite add up to Richardson, though. Where were Friedman, Jenkins, and Hendricks?
"Alright, Dekowski. Kill them and let's get moving. The rendezvous point is at site Alpha and Squads Four through Six are already there and waiting," Weyland said.
"Understood, sir." Dekowski nodded.
"Keep the larger white pony alive and stow her in the cargo area. Terminate the rest."
"You motherfucker," Nguyen spat. Dekowski grabbed the sidearm off one of Weyland's bodyguards and pointed the muzzle to Nguyen's forehead. He unceremoniously pulled the trigger and watched at Nguyen dropped backwards as the bullet impacted.
The rest of the men under Weyland's command aimed their weapons into the line of targets, ready to terminate at their discretion. Dekowski moved onto a scientist to his left and killed him just as suddenly as Nguyen.
Before he or any other person could fire another round, a small cylinder smashed itself into the back of Dekowski's head and plopped onto the grass. As he reached back to soothe his new lump, the cylinder detonated.
A brilliant blue ball of ionized energy sent him, two of the bodyguards, and the bodies of the recently deceased hurdling into the forest. Amidst the sudden confusion, rapid-fire gunshots began to fill the air. Men raced towards the gunship in hopes of finding some sort of cover as well as to get their lone hostage packed up. Weyland was nowhere to be seen.
Three fully-armored marines stepped out of the brush, firing selectively at their foes. Rounds that managed to hit them were deflected easily by the reinforced titanium carbide plating. The bastions dropped one guard after another as they inched their way closer to the gunship.
The detained in their lines, however, were not faring as well. A few of Weyland's forces must have decided that it was best to kill as many of the prisoners as possible in response to not being able to kill their attackers. The equine guards closest to the gunship were quickly offed as was one of the remaining scientists.
One of the marines came running over to the hostages, knife drawn. He cut plastic binding's of their wrists as the last of the Weyland guards lost morale began to retreat into the gunship.
"Here you go, sir," the soldier said, slicing his restraints. Nelson recognized it to belong to Jenkins. The enemy gunship had started its engines with a deafening roar, kicking up dust and debris as the they scorched the vegetation underneath.
Another set of boisterous engines could be heard coming closer from the east, but they seemed to be of a different pitch and decibel. All the remaining riot troopers had managed to board their gunship and the landing pad began to retract as it lurched meters high in the air.
"They're getting away! Transport Seven, tail them and bring it down!" Jenkins shouted through his helmet mic.
"Belay that, Private!" Wesner ordered. "The pony leader is in that gunship. We're not going to kill our only avenue for diplomacy."
"Belay that, Transport Seven. Belay that," Jenkins said quickly. "Sorry for coming in late, sir. We tried to get everyone mobilized as soon as we could."
"No time for that, Private." Wesner said, snatching his helmet from the top of the negotiation table. Nelson and Richardson did the same. "We need to follow them and secure the pony hostage."
A transport zoomed over the heads of the marines with a crack of a sonic boom. Heading, it seemed, to follow the Weyland corporate gunship.
"Transport Seven, where the hell are you going?" Wesner yelled over his com.
"Not us, sir. According to the transponder, that was Squad Seven's transport." the pilot said.
"Damn it. They've already mobilized." Wesner muttered. "We need to know where they're going. Search the bodies for anything that might give us a clue. Nelson, make sure everyone is loaded up into the gunship in the next ten minutes."
"Yes, sir." Nelson saluted.
Richardson turned over one dead body guard after another, searching for any sort of datapad, document, or other device that would help find the destination of Weyland. He stumbled across Nguyen's body slumped onto his back and staring at the sky.
"Damn it, Nguyen..." Richardson muttered, restarting his search.
"Found something, sir," Jenkins said over the com after ten minutes of searching. Most of Squad Two and the lone Doctor Carsiri were loaded and waiting on the transport.
"What is it, Private?" Wesner asked.
"Data disc, sir. Gives a location of Wyland Corporation troop deployments."
"Bingo. Give it here, Jenkins." Wesner outstretched his hand and Jenkins tossed it over. He plugged it into a datapad and keyed the disc's data to appear onscreen.
"Permission to speak, sir?" Jenkins asked as Wesner sifted through the data.
"Granted."
"How- Why did our own guys betray us? How did this happen?"
"They never were one of us, Private." Wesner paused. "I don't know or understand why, either. But I'll be damned if I don't beat that answer out of Weyland when we catch up to him."
Jenkins nodded and shifted around as the Captain continued.
"There. Look's like their 'Site Alpha' is located at the south pole of the planet," Wesner said. "Huh. Break out the snow shoes, Private. We're going skiing."
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I really hope Celestia is planning on doing something to make Weyland regret his decision. If she just sits there doing jackshit, I'm going to be sorely disappointed.
3594726
Heh.
"Very well. I will give you magic."
"Aaargh! What have you done to mee!"
"The magic is incompatible with your alien biology. It's tearing you apart from inside."
3594790
Or
"What did you do!?"
"I gave you magic."
"You turned me into a pony!"
"Yes, and as a pony you can now be convicted for abduction."
3594790 3594799 Both of those ideas sound glorious. Alternatively
"You've been in that chamber for a month, Celestia."
"So I have. Why is that important?"
"You should have died from a lack of food and water by now."
"Really? Last I checked, it was just a habit of mine. I do want some cake though."
"Denied."
"Eh, alright. I went 600 years without it once. I can last a few months easily."
"What happened at the end of those 600 years?"
"Cake was invented."
3595800 Okay, that was the best one.
I can't wait for Mr Weyland to explain to the shareholder meeting how the company lost tens of billions of dollars trying to research magical talking ponies.
3594726>>3594790>>3594799
If he really has been studying the ponies and their magic for ten years, he's going to have a pretty good idea what she can do. If Celestia's going to do anything, I doubt it'll be by force of magic. Which is fine with me, I never liked Celestia The Immortal Unstoppable Pony Goddess. I'd much rather she outsmarts Weyland.
Unless he doesn't need her conscious at all, which would mean she'll simply stay sedated the whole time.
3596038
I don't think it will be that simple Mr. Creepy-ass Thumbnail.
Considering that this is one of those stories where neither the ponies nor the humans were absolute shitheads I expected a good first contact. Weyland is so beyond stupid if they think that kidnapping the leader is better than just asking them.
Stroke of genius, Weyland! However, I don't think your chairmen would agree to your methods. Or your ideas... I imagine it something like this:
Weyland: Gentlemen! I have finally found a way to improve humanity!
Chairman #1: Yes?
Weyland: Magical, talking, pastel colored equines! We kidnap their leader and force her to give us their magic!
All Chairmen: ...
*Weyland is thrown out the nearest window*
Chairman #2: That's a stupid idea!
figured out
Weyland
Things have started moving, and fast!
3595858 I suppose you could say that out of the three, it's the one that takes the cake.
3596171 Im with you there. While it would be fun to see corporate durtbags burn by the power if the sun it would be way more entertaining if she would outsmart them the classic breadcrum style. It would also be in-line with Celestias show character of a chessmaster who always has a backup plan.
That however could only work if she can wake up and interact with her souroundings or if she can use some form of phase walking/astral teleportation.
Considering that the ponies have been watched for 10 years I think certain security measures are in place. Despite beeing durtbags these guys arent idiots.
3597980
Exactly. What I'm hoping will happen is, they put Celestia in some sort of containment that prevents her from using her magic to get out, thus she has to use mindgames to beat them.
Equestria has its share of dirtbags, including if not especially in the upper crust, and she's been running the place for at least a thousand years. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd learned to play self-serving scum like a violin.
On the other hand, it might be good too if the marines at least contribute to her rescue, to show that we're not all like that.
3598135 Only problem with the mindgames is: Celestia can understand them, they cant understand her.
Im still hoping for a breadcrum type of approach. She lays out hints that the Marines could follow.
3598201
They probably figured out their language after ten years. After all, a lot of the knowledge on magic they want is probably found in books and the like just lying around in libraries etc, it'd be well worth the effort to decipher the pony tongue.
Of course, those two aren't mutually exclusive. She could trick them into doing something that could give any potential rescuers clues. In fact, if she's locked up as securely as I would expect from a non-moron bad guy who knows who he's dealing with, that might be the only way she could lay out any hints.
3598267 Ah yeah, that makes sense.
We shall see where this goes.
Hmm this is getting good!
Plan to smack a crossover tag on there at some point?
3600546 It's not going to be a crossover, actually. Though me drawing from so many Sci-Fi pieces does seem to warrant it at first glance, I actually am just using names as a sort of nod to their respective domains. No inheritance of any storyline will be happening.
Damn it, I need to put this in a chapter to get rid of the confusion.
It seems to be 50/50 when she does that in stories. I'm sure she will though. Do something that is. 3594726
3596344
Why don't people like Princess Tweyelight? All she wants to do is participate in a fanfic community...
Well, this chapter was a disappointment.
When will Luna get involved? Her sister just got kidnapped by aliens, after all.
3596171 well, he has a record of experiments breaking out of containment.
3602253
He does? As far as I know this isn't a crossover.
I am hoping that Celestia will realize she was taken by a different faction of humans than EarthGov and won't be prejudiced when she escapes
Kalash93 of WRITE here. I begin read your story now. Expect your review by Monday.
This is Kalash93 of WRITE with the requested review for your story.
Initial impressions were okay, which set the tone for the rest of the story.
Auch, how do I review this? It all went by in a blur, and not in the good way. Everything felt so insubstantial. So much was forgettable that I can't even remember who did what with whom. Reviewing this is difficult because it's at that curious point where it's not good enough to praise, but it's also not bad enough to criticize. It's just alright. It's tolerable. It's like some random television show you watch when you have a bit of wait before going to a doctor's appointment, which is just a bit too long to either sit through or set out early, but you don't have enough time to fire up a game or do anything else.
It was a struggle to think of any criticism for your fic. Characters? Alright. Plot? Alright. Enjoyability? Alright. Idea? Alright. Pacing? Alright. Dialogue? Alright. Scenes? Alright. Atmosphere? Alright. Flow? Alright. Style? Alright. Mechanics? Alright. Setting? Alright. Assume that if I do not talk about something in your fic, then it was just alright. In all seriousness, 19,000 words is an awful lot of space in which to have absolutely zero impact on your audience. But take heart, for your fic was never bad or painful. Therefore, you don't have to dig yourself out of such a massive hole as you would for a badfic. Think of this as being more like having your front wheel stuck in a snow drift.
The biggest problem with your story is how scenes are handled. This feeds into larger problems with your pacing and style. Scenes ought to be the core units of your story. Individual actions and events take place within scenes, and scenes accumulate together into arcs. Your scenes have two very fundamental problems. The first problem is the lack of narrative progress in your scenes. The second is your failure to construct environments.
Your scenes have significant problems with their narrative structure. Writing scenes work a lot like scenes in other types of storytelling, especially film. The first issue your scenes have is that they are sloppily constructed. Most scenes in any type of medium tell about a particular plot point in a manner not wholly unlike how a story has an overall beginning, middle, and end. The protagonists in a scene find themselves there, facing some sort of obstacle or undergoing some character development. Getting through that particular plot point or character moment is the middle of the scene, and should be the largest part. The end of the scene is when the issue is resolved to some degree and there is an opening for the transition to their next scene. Many of your scenes, in contrast, spontaneously come into being, feature some characters doing some stuff, and then end without any sort of satisfactory conclusion. The second problem is that the transitions between scenes are missed. There isn't any reference for what came before, and there isn't any foreshadowing for what's going to come next. The readers find themselves getting confused as to how they got to where they are, and they don't have much incentive to look forward to what comes next. The entire story feels like a series of vaguely related events. It's rather like trying to piece together the plot of a film you have never seen by watching it during commercial breaks in the thing you were watching. Your section break transitions do not help. You are cutting your scenes far too short, and then spontaneously jumping away just as the reader is getting into them. One thousand words ought to be the absolute minimum length for any scene, although try to shoot for two thousand if you can. This is to make you add depth to your writing, which will leave a stronger impression on the reader and create more opportunities to put in character development, world building, and plot points. It also isn't made too clear as to what exactly is happening in your jump cut. I was thinking for the longest time that it was just taking us to a different group of protagonists on the same ship, but I suddenly found myself very confused in chapter 9, being completely lost as to who was what, and the secondary group of characters are earlier arrivals in Equestria not affiliated with your first group. I have no idea what is going on. I thought I did, but then I realized that I might have been misunderstanding that an entire HALF of the story was most likely occurring completely separate from your first set of protagonists.
You NEVER set up your environments in any meaningful way. Everything might as well be taking place in a white void. I know not whether it is laziness or oversight, but it is hurting the story. You need to use various means to instantly hook the reader and bring them into the scene and let them know where exactly they are. This is most important and should be given the most attention the first time you use a location. One of the most effective ways to do this is through imagery. Don't just name a deck or a room. Say what that room looks like. Compare it to something more familiar to your audience. Read the Harry Potter books; those make excellent and very efficient use of description and imagery to suck in the reader. Pay attention to how everything about magic and Hogwarts is introduced in the first book. It is all very stark and memorable. Just a few words to describe a minor location can do wonders, and even just a recurring phrase or short description can be enough to refresh the reader's memory.
Characters are another issue. You are trying to do too little work with too many characters. I can't even remember half of these guys, who they are, what they do, or why they are in the story. Your characters are flat. They are dull and forgettable. In all the time you have spent with them, there has been no meaningful character development, nor have there been scenes which make the reader identify with anyone. They might as well be talkative plot devices. I can't differentiate between any of their personalities. They all talk the same, which means that it can be impossible to tell who is in a conversation, and you use a lot of dialogue. Trim your cast of characters to a MAXIMUM of 6 stars, and pick a core protagonist to focus most heavily on. Focus on your individual characters. Expand them through dialogue and action. One vital thing you need to do is give your stars each a sympathetic goal which makes sense. Your characters never seem to want anything. I remember one passage where one character is trying to escape because another was trying to harm him. That is conflict. That is a conflict of goals between characters with serious consequences inherent in the outcome. That is interesting. You spend so little time developing anyone that your entire cast herd is as interesting as reading about Texan zoning laws. One thing you can do is give a height, build, face, and voice to each character as a kind of shorthand. A short, scrawny, black scientist with gaunt cheeks, big ears, and cornrows, and a nasal Long Island accent is going to come across different to the audience then a tall, ripped, arab marine with a square jaw, bushy eyebrows, and a shaved head.
You did an okay job on pacing, at least for the overall arc of the story as a whole. The macroscale pacing is good. You take a decent amount of time to let things happen. You nicely develop the mystery of the strange planet the humans have landed on, giving a believable tale of how they gradually come into contact with the locals. And you don't make it all happen at once or go too smoothly, which I appreciate. First contact is just as tense and confusing as it ought to be for two totally different species. I felt suspense over what the outcome would be. I was seriously worried that either the ponies were going to get shot, or the humans were going to be instant super best friends with the ponies. Well done for resisting the impulse to rush through first contact. For the micropacing of individual scenes, you blow through everything way too quickly, giving the audience no time to get invested in anything.
Your style is sparse, so you naturally get done with things very quickly. You make far too many short paragraphs of only a handful of sentences when it isn't necessary. Doing that might make the story look longer, but it's the same content merely stretched out. This causes the story to feel like it drags on for longer than it really does. Mix the length of your paragraphs and sentences. This will give your story a nicer flow and reduce feelings of drag. Also, the longer paragraphs can be used for establish scenes and characters. Longer paragraphs and sentences create the feeling of time speeding up, so use them for more relaxed scenes. Shorter sentences and paragraphs create the feeling of time slowing down, so use them for moments of peak tension. Get into the habit of evaluating of thinking of your fics based on word count rather than page count
You use a lot of dialogue. I would say that you use too much, because it interferes with the development of your scenes, and it all congeals into an undifferentiated mass. With how you use dialogue, and the sheer volume of dialogue employed, the result is that your story reads more like a novelization of a play or show than it does like a prose story. You do make an honest effort to put the dialogue to good use, utilizing it to develop the story and the world. And honestly, some of your dialogue is pretty interesting, up until it gets stale. I lost track of all the times the same banter about marines, scientists, government, and such appeared. The conversations felt recycled, so I presently just started skimming the dialogue along with everything else. Remember that dialogue is always used for a reason.
For military characters, your marines don't seem very disciplined, trained, or organized. They don't act like soldiers; they act like hired thugs. Find a qualified military advisor.
You did a good job on world building, which I think is an important aspect for quality science fiction. I haven't had any problems with our references, probably because I wouldn't likely get them. I like your concept of humans inadvertently colonizing an already inhabited Equestria, which they thought was just another planet.
The mechanics of your story are fine, with the odd little error.
Your story has potential, but it's buried under insubstantial slush. You have the potential for an good, interesting, story, provided that you create more vibrant scenes with better cohesion, and you make your characters more interesting, with distinct personalities and goals. Right now, your story is bland, neither good nor bad -- merely forgettable. You can still significantly improve your work, or you can crash and burn. The choice is yours. Check the group, "Looking for Editors" to find a capable editor, and ask around the "Pony Warfare" group for help with the military aspects of your story. I also advise you to simply keep on writing. Create diverse oneshots using a variety of different styles and techniques in order to practice your skills while expanding your skillset.
You earn 5/10 flutteryays, which is exactly average. Keep on practicing and you can do better.
i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt146/mortablunt/WRITEReviewerLogo1_zpsbcabf6df.png
Kalash93 -- Not a Russian.
3784005 Thank you so much. That was very comprehensive and thorough. I'll begin working on the lacking aspects and hopefully I will salvage this fic.
4114611
Manehatten would beg to differ.
img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120103040027/mlp/images/3/39/Filly_Applejack_in_Manehattan_1_S01E23.png
Please note the radio and/or satellite antenna.
img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20140107230744/mlp/images/9/95/Main_cast_looking_around_Manehattan_S4E08.png
Note the light bulbs and neon signs.
Even if they had neither of these, I'd hope that the expedition team would have some sort of high resolution cameras that could zoom in on the surface. We have those now, hundreds of years prior to developing FTL capabilities.
ME.
WANT.
MOAR!!!
You're evil with cliffhangers, aren't you? I'm guessing Celestia will realize that her captors, though the same species as those she was talking to, are not allied with them, since the ones she was talking to seemed equally surprised by the cylinders that had landed. She'd likely pick up on that fact and not blame all of humans.... though her disdain towards those that captured her would still remain, of course.
Though, any ponies that find the bodies of the guards will likely notice that the ponies and the creatures have similar wounds on them all, and yet, different outfits as well as cut restraints(those that are good at scouting and examining and tracking would likely be able to pick out many details like this). Likely enough to know that there are two forces of these creatures, and they fought... and apparently, one of the sides must have taken Princess Celestia with them for some reason or other. One of the factions obviously meant her harmed but still alive, but whether or not BOTH factions did is unknown to whomever examines the battle area.
Or, at least that's my prediction of what's to come.^_^
Another thing I could easily see happening in following chapters.... as they examine the location to figure out what happened, one of the scouts brings the weapons of one of the deceased warriors to the captain, stating that it stands to reason that this is the projectile weapons they were wielding. From what they observed, it somehow shoots metal projectiles with enough force to tear through bodies and dent armor. Hearing this, the captain asks how they activate it, and after hearing, orders his men to stand back. Stating that before pursuing the princess, it'd be good to know what they're up against to some degree, so let's see how fast this weapon can shoot these high powered projectiles.
But... the weapon is set to automatic.... after testing it, all ponies in the area are pale faced. After a pause, the captain immediately orders a message to call in all the fastest shield spell experts in the royal guards, stating that they're going to need them.
Just one of many ideas.^^ And they could also learn about the events by following drag trails along the ground and broken branches for the lift-off/landing zone of their vehicle, including the direction that the branches were bent to. Though, they'd have no idea what the 'burnt marks on the ground' are from(ship thrusters). Though, the fact that some of the deceased are in a line where some cut material that was the same as those restraining some of the corpses(including the guards) could point out that whichever side was captured with the guards were freed by reinforcements.
And wonder if both sides would have logos of some sort on their uniforms to help clearly identify two factions. Like one having the earthgov's logo, and the other having the weypard company's logo. Sure, they couldn't read them.... but as symbols, it could easily allow them to see a pattern to the bodies and the combat area.
4754046
*facepalm* How damn tired was I to not notice that?
4568530
4570046
I like your view of this but the reactions will depend on who finds the battlefield first, as a herd species Ponies have a tendancy to jump to conclusions and act irrationally in the face of danger and the Royal Guard have shown themselves to be either useless or incapable of reacting in time to be of any actual help to anyone; the one-thousand years of peace might have had something to do with that.
P.S: I know this is a late reply but I felt that your ideas deserved attention, sue me.
4766812 lol Understandable. Though, even their terrible skills as guards would likely realize the depth of the situation was to the point to call on an expert to track Celestia. Never said that said expert would be from the guard itself.
But, true enough on the ponies in general. XD
I don't like big plot holes. Why didn't Celestia teleport herself away when the attack started?
So, celestia and the guard and the supposed earth government armed forces were all taken prisoner by the "original evil space mega brain dead lets keep trying to be as evil in our pursuit of some impossible imaginary goal of bio weapons technology as we can possibly be" cooperation. Yeah, no. I can't give a thumbs up and can't follow after this. It was, eh, up until now. Nothing grand but something I can read, but I can't stand plot holes of this size that are only there for narrative convenience. It's not believable that all of the combined forces as well as the millennia old demi goddess were caught by a bunch of private paramilitary thugs riding in a gunship. And I don't think you can believe it either, that is why you didn't write it out. Between the mounting plot holes from this and other chapters as well as the poor characterization of the humans I won't enjoy this story.
Good luck with the rest. Best wishes.
3600989 Princess Tweyelight!
3600989
I think it has something to do with how she looks at us
Awesome icon, you picked!
Seemed little rushed there.
But am excited to read more!
So, I'm going to assume this is dead in the water.
Rip
Will this story ever be updated?
It makes me sad whenever I see an uncompleted story that hasn't been updated in years.
8364426
Me too.
8364426
Especially when the premise is so interesting...