Chapter One (old version)
Chapter One
Nyx was already asleep beside Twilight with a smile in the floating chariot, and this made Twilight to smile also. She was glad that she was able to comfort her daughter, thanks to her dragon assistant, Spike. If Spike didn’t remind her, she would have been regretting the rest of her life for giving up the filly too easily as a mother. Twilight shook her head slightly at the moment to forget what she did at the library and stroke Nyx’s mane softly.
Princess Celestia felt guilt at this sight. She was happy to see a mother and daughter together again but also regretting a lot that she tried to split them apart.
"Twilight, I'm-" Princess Celestia bent her neck to Twilight as she tried to apologize, but stopped as her student touched her lip.
"Don't say you're sorry, Princess. It's over now; you don't have to apologize more." Twilight said, lowering her hoof.
"But I want to, Twilight... What I did to you and Nyx tonight, it was terrible..."
"I know it was, but it’s part of the past now. Put your guilt aside, Princess..."
"I can't, Twilight... I want to but I just can't; it's too big to put aside."
"Princess..."
"Twilight, allow me to explain at least. I owe you an explanation for this."
"If that will comfort you, I'll listen, Princess."
"Thank you, Twilight." The Sun Princess began, "I had trouble of sleeping at yesterday night, so I went to Spell Nexus to get some advise about Nyx and Nexus said he'll prepare a spell that can prove Nyx is harmful or not."
"Spell Nexus?" Twilight said as an image of a blue unicorn came to her mind, "The headmaster of your school for gifted unicorns? He told you to do this?"
"No, he only told me that Nyx have to come to Canterlot without you for the testing and I said I'll...do it by myself."
"You...volunteered?"
"Yes, I did...but only because I care about you and Nyx so much. I thought it would be better for me to do it then letting somepony else hurt you or your daughter."
"..."
"Twilight... do you blame me for tonight's visit?"
"I also had fears about Nyx like you, Princess... So, I don't blame you...not entirely."
"Can I ask who do you blame? If you want to answer, that is."
"Somehow I blame me for tonight's mess... If I told you about Nyx and talked together, what happened tonight could've avoided..."
"Oh, Twilight..." Princess Celestia said and wrapped her arms and wings around Twilight, giving her student the best soothing embrace she can give and Twiight just stayed in her mentor's embrace.
"Uh, your highness?" One pegasus guard called after awhile.
"Yes?" Princess Celestia said, still embracing her student.
"Forgive my interruption, your highness, but we're near Cantorlot Castle." The guard informed.
"Thank you for informing." Princess Celestia said and turned her head to Twilight as she released her, "Feeling better?"
"Yes... Thank you, Princess." Twilight said with a smile then turned to Nyx,
"Nyx, wake up. We'll arrive soon." Twilight whispered to the black filly as she nudged to wake her up.
Soon Nyx opened her sleepy eyes and whispered, "Mommy?"
Twilight chuckled, "Yes, mommy's here. Now wake up and get ready. We'll arrive at the castle soon."
"Okay..." Nyx said and sat up.
Twilight smiled at her daughter and then looked forward. The royal chariot was approaching to the grand throne room's door and while approaching, Twilight narrowed her eyes as she spotted a blue pony standing in front of the door. Soon, the chariot landed in front of the blue unicorn.
"What took you-" The blue unicorn tried to question to the white alicorn as she stepped down but then froze when he saw a lavender unicorn stepping down from the chariot right behind Nyx,
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE??"
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I finally finished it!
Sorry for taking so long. I have no editor now so I spend a bit of more time to fix some more. I really hope it's not awkward or anything... Please lave some comments if any of you find anything weird.
Nothing weird in the story I think, and its nice to see more of this.
Things are about to get interesting
I think you would use small editing assistance, outside of that, it is nice to see this story to progress, though chapter seems incredibly short.
3118443 Yeah, I know it's short... I've been busy.
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Where am I?
MOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR !!!
...
Please...
Ok huge Past Sins fan so sorry ahead of time if I come across as a little nitpicky in future chapters. For now, the only problem I had was how easily forgivable Twilight is towards Celestia. As we saw in the original universe, this could have ended a lot worst and while you seem to have Twilight's character down, besides that, I just feel that a bit more conflict should have arisen between her and Celestia.
Anyways, keep up the good work.
Before you go onto the next chapter, remember that Nexus was disguised in the original ritual. Twilight would NOT recognize him as "my kidnapper."
Although she would probably recognize the magic "test."
3119065 And even if she doesn't Nyx was darkened by angry and distrust when she was changed, now she wasn't 'abandoned' so there no dark emotions to latch on to and nothing 'Big' will happen.
3119065
His voice wasn't
he still sound like himself
I don't about you about your dear,I would remember what my kidnapper voice sound like
No one where it say in text was he voice sound any different
Hmm I see a few people saying Twilight forgave Celestia a bit too easily but one has to remember here nothing bad has happened really. Yes Nyx got scared by Celestia taking her away but that was with Twilights permission. And to be frank Nyx does cry at the drop of a hat pretty much so I Imagine it not much of a stretch that Twilight would be very willing to forgive Celestia who both asks for forgiveness and was a bit reluctant (or a least torn) about taking Nyx in the first place.
3125934 So... you like it then? That's good because I was wondering if I have to change it or not.
3127107 Hmm overall I am a big fan of What if... style stories. Right now our point of divergence is Twilight coming with Nyx to Canterlot so I am curious as how much this can change. As for your characterizations the only thing I see that is a bit OCC is the when Twilight silences Celestia by putting a hoof on her lip. To have Twilight so casually touch the Princess comes across as a little odd to me. While yes Twilight is very close to the princess she has always been very much an inferior to the Princess as she is both her Student and Subject. To interrupt the princess with a physical act is more the action of an equal which I doubt Twilight would see herself as. I could see twilight maybe cutting her off with a shake of her head but doubt she would directly cut off the princess.
Also you have very few descriptions in the chapter which makes the chapter feel a little bare bones as the conversation is the only thing in it. Now I know many other can give you a much better analysis then me so these are just my own thoughts. Right now my overall opinion you have the framework for a good story you just need to fill out the details and settings a bit more and you can have a great one.
3127107 in a future chapter, Twilight could find a book that describes Tartaranite
Tartaranite is an extremely dangerous magic substance that can warp the minds of its victims by disabling the victim's conscience and implanting dark desires from its previous victims.
Tartaranite travels to the back of the head, where it gathers into a mass of dark magic.
If someone has an extremely large amount of Tartaranite in them, then some of it might not join the mas of dark magic.
In that case, it can be spread it by exhaling some of the Tartaranite that didn't join the mass of dark magic and having the( future) victim inhale some of it."
3127366 Thanks for giving your opinion. But I was going to edit more anyway. The others might not see it, but to me it's a bit odd so...yeah
Anyway Thanks!
3127366 I suspect it was a motherly gesture.
I think that maternal instinct has taken over Twilight's mind.
3127366 And for the less description part, I planned on putting more conversations than descritions since my concept of Chapter One was Twilight and Princess Celestia making peace through conversation, but thanks again for your opinion. I really appreciate it.
I'm gonna wait for this to update a bit more before reading. I feel I enjoy a story more if I'm not reading it in an episodic way. I prefer to get the whole story, or most of it, right away. But I do plan on reading this.
what with the password and what is it
I received an email update for chapter two, but there is no chapter two here.:(
whats the passwword?????
What's the password? I really want to read the next chapter.
3309235 Yeah, same here.
There's no passward, everypony. I accidentally pressed the publish button during my typing and quickly unpublished it after that. Sorry for making misunderstandings
when Nyx is returned to being a filly at the end, you should have Animatia Erroria doing it.
first, Animatia Erroria uses a spell called "The Equalizer"
"The Equalizer" drains magic from the the target with more and gives it to the target with less.
After Nyx is down to Applebloom's size and Twilight's power, Animatia Erroria gives Nyx a vest a pair of glasses and a headband, each disguises her eyes, and hides her wings.
Animatia Erroria explains that the apparent loss of her wings is an animation error.
When Nyx takes over Equestria, she does it by persuading Luna and Celestia to give up their power by convincing them that they are losing their touch and they should go into Hibernation.
you could have Twilight Sparkle make Spell Nexus Pinkie Promise to keep Nyx safe. Then Pinkie Pie spends every spare moment pestering Spell Nexus for breaking the Pinkie Promise that he made to Celestia, Luna, Nyx, and Twilight.
3343763 Hmm... Maybe I'll consider... Thanks for your opinion anyway
3350689 you are welcome.
3124045
I know this is weeks too late, but Nexus could totally ad lib this.
He's the only one who knows how this made-up spell works and what it's supposed to do and what the results are supposed to look like. It means that he can declare Nyx to indeed be Nightmare Moon and worthy of annihilation. At which point Twilight is going to flip out and want to drag Nyx out of there. Celestia's not exactly eager to murder a foal, so she's going to want to delay if she can. Nexus can tell her that he needs a little time to look at the data or whatever with the spell. Which gives him time to go to Twilight, explain that he's had a change of heart after realizing that he's about to become a murderer, and show her this ritual they captured from the cultists which can give Nyx the remaining power necessary to free herself. Given the choice between her daughter being killed and potentially becoming Nightmare Moon, what's Twilight to do?
Of course, Nexus could always just fake a negative result on the test and wait for an opportunity to foalnap Nyx later. It's not like it has to be know.
3400559 again I suggested that Twilight could make Spell Nexus Pinkie Promise to keep Nyx safe and not do anything that would hurt her. Then Pinkie Pie spends every spare moment pestering Spell Nexus for breaking the Pinkie Promise that he made to Celestia, Luna, Nyx, and Twilight.
MOAR PLEASEEEEEEE!
here are some what if ideas for this story like if Luna had saved twilight and finds nyx and if the somepohny from the main six expt for pinkie pie four kwon reasons.
this is going to continue?
4660474 Yes, it will but I think it'll be hard for me to continue until November... I'm studying for the university entrance exam
4677803 no problem, I can wait, at least you said is going to continue
i really like this story hope to read more soon
Beat the buck out of him Twilight!!!
I've always heated him!
5087045 Technically hes innocent though. If you have read the full story you will understand.
5109581
I did but and because of it i can't stand him. Even if he is innocent.
i am sorry to bug you i was just wondering if by any chance you know when you might post next chapter
i understand that life can get in the way and i don't want to rash you or anything i just asking if you don't know that is okay and take your time on making a grate chapter
5167060 Don't worry, I'm use to that question now~ When will the next chapter update? I myself have no idea, either.. Although it's not posted online, I have more than ten fictions that I'm writing in my laptop as a hobby.. So, like I said, I'm not sure but I'll definitely notice to everypony once its finished^^ Have a nice day!
5187979 okay thank you for letting me know
Are you still working on this? Cause I would very much like to see how this turns out.
5577359 Sorry to tell you this but not really...
I haven't given up but it will take much more time for me to finish the next chapter
5625537 out of curiosity, what's keeping you?
nothing weird storywise per say, but grammar in some sentences could use some work.
....
said the pot.
5626377 A huge Writer's Block and university
5740506 ah, yep, that'll get ya. Well, hope to see this update, but, what are you gonna do.
5740515 Well got to do something to break through this writer block... Or else it might take another year for the next two chapters...