Prelude: Twilight goes to Canterlot with Nyx
Past Sins: What If....
By Pennycatan
Thanks to Pen Stroke for giving the permission to write this
Prelude
Twilight goes to Canterlot with Nyx
“It was fun today! Can we do it again? Please?” The black filly asked in excitement.
“Of course we can, Nyx, but not tomorrow. Maybe next week, okay?” The lavender unicorn said.
“Okay!”
“Um, Twilight? Isn't that a royal chariot outside the library?” Spike said pointing at the chariot.
“What?!” Twilight half-shouted and she looked at the direction where Spike's claw pointed. Outside the library is indeed a royal chariot with two pegasi guards hitched onto the chariot.
'Why did the princess come today? I hope it’s not something bad...' Twilight thought as she broke into a gallop to the library, leaving Spike and Nyx behind.
Twilight opened the door with her magic and rushed inside. “Princess Celestia!” Twilight shouted.
The white alicorn was sitting in the middle of the library on a cushion. She turned her head to the door as she heard a familiar voice calling her name.
“Ah, Twilight, you’re back. I was waiting for-” Princess Celestia began, only being cut off by Twilight.
“Princess, you could have sent a letter to me so that I could prepare something for you! Or clean the library at least!”
“Twilight, calm down. I’m just dropping by for a private visit.”
“But-”
“It’s okay Twilight. I won’t be staying here long.”
“Okay Princess... If you say so...”
“Hello, Spike, Nyx, seems like you three had a great day today.” Princess Celestia said, handing out a greeting to Spike and Nyx, who just arrived at the library.
“Yes, we did your highness. We had so much fun today!” Nyx replied, her voice filling with joy and happiness.
“That’s good to hear.” Princess Celestia said with a motherly smile.
“So, um, why did you visit me today, Princess?” Twilight asked.
“Oh, yes. Can we talk in private?”
“No problem. Um, Spike? Can you and Nyx prepare dinner?”
“Of course, Twilight! Leave it to us and have a nice talk with the Princess. Come on, Nyx.”
Spike went into the kitchen and Nyx followed him with a nod.
“So, what do you want to talk about? Is something wrong?” Twilight asked after she checked on spike and Nyx, closing the door to the kitchen behind her.
“There's nothing wrong for now. But it can go wrong if we aren't careful, Twilight.”
Twilight tensed as serious tone entered in Sun Princess’s voice and asked quietly, “What do you mean?”
“I’ll tell you about that. But before we proceed...” Celestia's horn glowed and cast a spell to the kitchen door.
“That's the spell that blocks out sound...” Twilight tensed more as she recognized the spell, “Princess is it something about Nyx?”
“Unfortunately it is, Twilight. I found out that Nyx is not your cousin. Would you care to explain that?”
Twilight hesitated, trying to think of an excuse; but then, she realized there's no point of lying now.
Twilight sighed “Okay, Princess...” and began explaining how she met Nyx in the Everfree forest, which made Celestia concerned about her student going into the forest so soon after she got ponynapped, and what happened to the filly since and as well as some theories she harbored. Celestia listened to it all without showing any emotions.
Twilight felt drained when she finished her exposition. Worries and anxieties filled her head the moment she knew Princess' visit was about her daughter. Now that she was done revealing all her hidden thoughts, it was Princess Celestia’s turn to speak.
“Thank you for being honest, Twilight.” Princess Celestia said, offering a warm smile
“I really didn’t mean to hide this from you Princess. I was...It's just...”
“That is okay, my faithful student. Actually I’m rather proud of what you did.”
“You are?”
The Princess nodded “Not all ponies would show kindness and protect the ones who were their enemies in the past.”
Twilight’s cheek blushed as her mentor praised her actions and nodded once.
“Before I break the news to you Twilight, can I ask you what Nyx thinks about you?”
“Well...Honestly, Nyx...kind of thinks me as...her mother.”
Celestia sighed. “I wish I didn’t ask you that question my faithful student. It has become much harder to tell you what I must...”
“What is it? What do you have to tell me?” Twilight asked anxiously.
With that, Princess Celestia began to explain to her student that the ritual created Nyx from Nightmare Moon's remains. At the end, Celestia paused to prepare herself to reveal to Twilight her fears, which only served to make Twilight more anxious than ever.
The alicorn took a deep breath and said, “I’m really sorry to say this, Twilight, but... Nyx is Nightmare Moon.”
“No...” Twilight’s moaned as her face grew pale; her last flicker of hope disappearing.
“Twilight...I’m sorry, I really am. But she needs to come with me to Canterlot.” Celestia said sadly, turning away; it was too painful to see her student's face as she struggled to come to terms with the verdict.
“You don’t have to be sorry and take Nyx to Canterlot...because she isn't.” Twilight argued quietly.
“Pardon me, Twilight?” Princess Celestia asked after a few moments.
“My daughter is not Nightmare Moon!” Twilight snapped at her mentor and made the Sun Princess step back.
“I know you don’t want this, but you'll have to accept it. And you know that.” Princess Celestia gave a comforting hug to calm her student down as she spoke.
“No! I don’t want to accept it!” Twilight shouted as she struggled in her mentor’s hug, “And whatever you say I’m not going to listen! She is not the same mare she once was!”
“Twilight, please don’t make this any harder. I need to bring Nyx with me.” The Princess begged.
“No, I’ll not allow you to take Nyx.” Twilight said, breaking away from her mentor’s hug.
“Twilight, I need to bring her with me so that we can both put our fears to rest. You also admitted that you’re a bit scared, remember?”
“Yes, I was, I'll admit that. But why? She hasn't done anything wrong."
“I’m just doing this to make sure that Nyx is not a real threat to any pony, Twilight. Once I figure out that she is not a threat, Nyx will be returned to you at the next morning.” Princess Celestia said as she gave another soothing hug to Twilight.
“But she really isn't a threat to any pony, Princess, I swear. She’s just a sweet little filly!”
“Twilight...”
“No! I’m not going to let you take my daughter away from me because of your fears! I’m telling you that she’s changed! She. Is. Not. A. Threat. To. Any. Pony!!” Tears ran down Twilight's cheek as she yelled the words.
“Twilight, if you won’t allow me to take her, I have no choice but to do it by force. I don’t want to do that to you or Nyx. So please...let me bring her to Canterlot.”
Twilight broke away from her mentor's hug again. "NO! I won't let you take her! If you really want Nyx, you'll have to go through me first!"
Princess Celestia was speechless; she was too shocked after what she heard from her student, but shortly afterwards she managed to speak.
"You don't seriously mean that, do you Twilight?"
"I'm not joking Princess. I really mean it."
"Twilight, I already told you that I don't want to cause anymore harm to you."
"You've done a lot of harm to me already from your visit, Princess. And I don't want any more of this!"
"I know what I've done to you today Twilight, but I can't stop here. I must bring Nyx to Canterlot."
"I don't get the point. Why do you need to do this? Nyx is already harmless and safe with me."
"Please Twilight...Just allow me to take Nyx. She will be back to you by morning."
Twilight sighed “Princess... Do you really promise me that she’s going to be back tomorrow?”
“If I find out that she is not a threat, yes, I promise.”
After Princess Celestia promised to Twilight, Twilight dove into her mentor's hug and sobbed quietly. Celestia just let her
sob in her embrace until her sobbing stopped and she had calmed down.
Twilight broke away from Celestia’s embrace and said, “Okay, Princess....... But can I go with Nyx to Canterlot at least? She'll
be scared without me.”
“I think it will be the best for you to stay here, Twilight. I don’t want this to be any harder on you.” The Princess said as she dismissed her spell and Twilight just nodded sadly.
“Oh, Princess! We just finished making dinner. Would you like to join us?” Spike asked as he came out of the kitchen with Nyx.
“Thank you for asking, but I’m afraid I can’t. Nyx needs to come with me to Canterlot.” Princess Celestia announced, “Since she’s an alicorn filly, she needs some medical checkups and Twilight already agreed with me.”
“Really?!” Nyx exclaimed in excitement.
“Yes, and once we are finished I can give you a personal tour of Canterlot Castle.” Princess Celestia said.
“Hmm, it’s a bit weird to going to Canterlot right now for medical checkups... but I guess it is ok with me if Twilight has already agreed.” Spike said.
“Are you positive about this, Twilight? Honestly?!” Nyx asked as she turned her head to her adoptive mother.
“Y-yes, Nyx, I’m positive.” Twilight sniffed as she answered. Nyx noticed tear trails on Twilight’s cheek, and asked,
“...Twilight? Is something wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong Nyx, don't worry about me; I'm fine.” Twilight said with a weak smile.
“You’re hiding something, aren’t you Twilight?” Spike asked in an unpleasant tone, “What did you and Princess talk about? Is it some kind of a secret? Even to us?”
“Spike, I told you. Everything's fine. Nyx, don't mind me and go along with the Princess.” Twilight said.
“No, I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on.”
"Nyx, this is an important thing for you and me. Please, go to Canterlot with the Princess for me."
"What's more important to me is hearing what happened from you, Twilight."
"Nyx, just go with the Princess."
"NO! I'm not going anywhere!" Nyx almost snapped.
'I really didn't want to say this but...'
“Princess Celestia? Just take her...but make sure you keep the promise. If anything goes wrong with Nyx, I will never forgive you or myself.” Twilight said with a heavy sigh, turning her back from the Sun Princess, Spike and Nyx and lowering her head in guilt.
“I will, Twilight, I will. Nyx, Twilight will be fine, I promise. But we need to go now.”
“No! I don’t want to go! I’m just staying here with Twilight until she tells me what’s going on here!” Nyx shouted.
“Nyx please, we have to hurry.” Princess Celestia pleaded, trying to keep Nyx away from Twilight.
“No! I’m not going to Canterlot! I don’t need a doctor! I just want to stay here!”
“I’m sorry Nyx, you will be back in the morning and returned to Twilight, I promise. But we really should get going.” Princess Celestia’s horn glowed and golden aura surrounded Nyx and lifted her to the air as she talked, and carried Nyx towards the door.
“No! I don't want to go! Let me down!” Nyx screamed in panic and fear, struggling to be free of the Sun Princess’s magic.
“What is going on here, really? And what do you mean by ‘take her’? Aren’t you going to stop the Princess?” Spike asked suspiciously to Twilight.
Twilight said nothing. She was just sitting down in her spot, her body trembling as tears flowed.
“Twilight! TWILIGHT! Please, don't let her take me away! I'll apologize if I did something wrong! Just let me to stay here! I want to stay with you! Twilight!” Nyx shouted, giving up her attempt to break free from Princess's magic.
Barely able to handle the situation, Princess Celestia quickly slipped outside the library and shut the door behind her.
"Twilight, are you really going to just sit there and do nothing?" Spike asked in disbelief after what he saw. "I don't know what's going on here, but isn’t Nyx your daughter? Why in the world would a mother give up her child so easily?!"
Spike's words brought Twilight back into reality. Spike was right; a mother never gives up her child this easily. She suddenly felt guilty, more than she ever did, and turned around, wiped her tears and hugged Spike. "Thanks for reminding me Spike." she said as she teleported outside.
When Twilight arrived outside, she saw the royal chariot flying off into the night. Twilight's horn glowed and her magic grabbed the royal chariot, and jerked the chariot down as hard as she could, trying to ground it.
On the chariot, Celestia and Nyx saw that the royal chariot was surrounded by a glowing purple aura. Nyx quit sobbing and looked back to the library and smiled. It was Twilight, trying to stop the chariot from going to Canterlot, using everything she had in her.
"Princess, can't we go down for a moment? Please?" Nyx begged.
Princess Celestia hesitated. If they went down now, Twilight might stop her from bringing Nyx to Canterlot. But inside Princess Celestia's mind, she felt that this wasn't the right way to do this. She broke one mother's heart in the progress, and didn't want to cause any more harm to Twilight or Nyx.
"Alright Nyx, let’s go down." Princess Celestia said and ordered, "Guards, turn around and land beside Twilight Sparkle."
"Yes your highness."
"TWILIGHT, YOU CAN STOP NOW!!!" Nyx yelled.
It was then the purple aura faded from the chariot, allowing the pegasi guards to turn around and pull the chariot back to the library. Once the chariot landed beside Twilight, Nyx launched out of the chariot like a rocket to Twilight and hugged her neck.
"Oh, Twilight... Thank you so much for stopping the chariot...I was really scared!" Nyx cried.
"It's okay now Nyx. And I'm sorry." Twilight said as she rubbed her daughter's back.
"Sorry for what?" Nyx asked.
"For giving you up so easily. I'm not a good mother..." Twilight said.
"You're the best mother I could never get Twilight! And it doesn't matter now that you're beside me. I have one question though..."
"What is it, Nyx?"
“Why did you cry and what did you talk about with the Princess?”
“Nyx, do you really want to know what the talk was all about?” Twilight asked in a serious tone.
“Yes of course I do!"
Twilight asked, “Is it okay to tell her, Princess?” and Princess Celestia just nodded, still sitting on the chariot.
“Alright then...I’ll tell you what Princess Celestia and I was talking about. But don’t freak out after you hear all of it, okay?”
Twilight said and Nyx nodded.
Twilight started to tell Nyx about the serious talk that Princess Celestia and she had earlier. She told her the reason why she cried and Nyx had to go to Canterlot. She also told her everything she thought and her concern for Nyx. And after the long explanation, Nyx wore a face of both shock and horror at the same time.
“Why...why didn't you tell me this before...?” Nyx asked, tears forming in her eyes.
“I didn't want to admit to myself that you are Nightmare Moon, Nyx. And I promise you that you will not be like Nightmare Moon.” Twilight said.
“H-how do you know that I-I won’t become like Nightmare Moon?” Nyx asked, her voice shivering in fear.
“That’s why you need to go to Canterlot, Nyx. So that we can be sure that you won’t be any harm to all of us. You don’t want to hurt me or other ponies, do you?”Twilight asked.
“N-no! I don’t want to hurt any pony!"
“I know Nyx, so let's go to Canterlot. I'll go with you."
“You will? I’ll be glad if you do that, but what if we find out that I am a real harm to any pony?”
“Whatever we find out, I will accept it.” Twilight said, “Like I said, I’ll be always beside you to protect you from anything. That’s what families are for, Nyx.”
Nyx hugged Twilight’s neck “Thanks, Twilight... You really are the best mother I could ever get.”
“You’re welcome, my sweet little daughter.” Twilight said rubbing Nyx’s back with her hoof again and then looked to Celestia. “You don’t really mind if I go along with Nyx, do you Princess?”
“If you insist, I won’t stop you, and I apologize for what I've done to you and Nyx."
“It's alright, Princess. So, are you ready to go Nyx?” Twilight asked.
“Absolutely! There’s nothing I’m going to be afraid of if you’re coming with me!”
“Seems like we’re settled.” Princess Celestia said softly, “Shall we hurry then? It’s getting to be far too late.”
Twilight and Nyx nodded got on the chariot and with that, the two pegasi guards started to pull the chariot to the distant Canterlot Castle.
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Sweet Celestia !!!!! This is something I really wanted to see for a long time thank you for making this plz all I ask is MAKE MORE
other than that keep up the good work
I am very interested to see how this small change in events in past sins will result,I mean, Nyx will probably be captured and turned into Nightmare Moon, but in original Past Sins, she was captured while she was unconscious, so practically all Nyx remembered was how Celestia took her forcefully and Twilight did nothing to help, and at the same time, so Nyx felt betrayed and felt hate again Celestia.
Now when she was not taken away forcefully and Twilight explained the situation, Nyx is more willing to trust them, so even if she turn into Nightmare Moon, she will not give up the chance to life with Twilight, it may be hard, sure, Celestia and Luna may fear Nyx power, Twilight and her friends may be shocked, but in original Past Sins, before Nyx started to fight again Celestia, she explained that she did not kill any guards and not let kill Twilight, it was then when Celestia said to Nyx that if Nyx will give her a chance, she will do all she can to clear Nyx name or something like this.
In original Past Sins, after Nyx freed princesses and let them judge her, the judgement was to take away Nyx power, not because they did not trust her, but because other ponies would hate her and panic, but now if Nyx turn into Nightmare Moon, and yet she will do all she can to make others not be afraid of her, there mind be a chance that she will be allowed to keep her power, and she may get her cutie mark faster, after all in original story she got it while she fought army of monsters to save Ponyvile and mane 6 ( as anty hero Nyx did far more then lazy Celestia and Luna who never bothered to assist Twilight and her friends on dangerous mission ), so it is a shame that Nyx who was actually using her powers for good had to lose her powers, and this side of the story give a chance that she will keep her powers and become shield, while mane 6 with elements will be glass canon ( mane 6 are normal ponies, and if one of them die or is captured, elements will not work, so I am sure that Nyx with power of Nightmare Moon cover this weakpoint ).
Hmm... I too have wondered what would have happened if Twilight hadn't let Celestia take Nyx away. Probably resolve the situation faster and the cult would have a harder time with Twilight on alert.
The word choice and grammar are really awkward. If you can fix those, I'll give this a read. Right now it kind of distracts from the story. =)
A few spelling errors and such but so far so good. It'll be interesting to see how things change.
It will be interesting to see how you play with this. Nexus will be surprised that Twilight is there and he now has to subdue an alicorn and one very soon irate unicorn mother. If there is one thing I know is that you don't fuck with a mother's child, especially if she is anywhere near. In my head, Twilight would flay Nexus alive, then burn him, or both at the same time; no more redeeming for him like in Past Sins.
Did you mean, "want heard"?
I thought in Past Sins Twilight was more definite and said that she "is not" Nightmare Moon.
"mare she once was"
This sentences sounds really odd, I would consider revising it.
"you're"
"making"
"checkups"
This sounds odd and Canterlot Castle is a specific title so it is all capitalized. I propose: "Yes, and once we are finished I can give you a personal tour of Canterlot Castle."
I think this was discussed earlier in the story if I remember correctly so it is not new info to Spike or Nyx.
Again, really oddly worded
"families", you do not need the apostrophe since there is no ownership.
"do"
There are more errors that I did not catch or that felt like an error but I was not completely sure about. Do you have an editor at all? Some parts felt slightly OOC and issues seemed too easily forgive.
This should be good.
Normally I would have enjoyed this AU but the numerous grammar errors and clunky prose killed it for me, sorry.
2547585
I doubt Twilight will be able to stop cult, after all they are prepared to get Nyx from under Celestia nose, so they are probably ready to handle more then just princess.
But since Twilight told Nyx whats going on and went together with her, and Celestia did not took Nyx forcefully and with sleep spell, even when Nyx turn into Nightmare Moon, she will not fell betrayed, she will not fell anger again Celestia and Twilight, she will still fell hope and do all she can to prove that Twilight can still trust her.
2547898
Come on, Nexus managed to steal Nyx from Alicorn of the Sun, if he is ready to steal her from princess, why should he have problem with Twilight, after all the goal is not to overpower them ( Twilight would give him hard fight and Celestia would beat him and his cult easy ), the point is to steal Nyx and finish ritual.
The only way Twilight can prevent Nyx from being turned into NIghtmare Moon is not by raw power, but by noticing what kind of spell will be used, Twilight is smart, if she notice what they try to do with Nyx before it is to late and if Celestia will listen to her student fast enough ( Celestia is rather slow if you look at Canterlot Wedding episode, took her time to face Chrysalis ), they will save Nyx.
But I personally not want Nyx to be saved so easy, it would make this story end to fast, I rather hope she will be captured and turned into Nightmare Moon, but since she will not fell betrayed and angry ( in original Past Sins the last think she remember is Celestia taking her forcefully and Twilight letting her take her, and next she wake up as Nightmare Moon ), so I am curious how will Nyx deal with cult and convince mane 6, princesses and ponies from ponyvile that she is not a threat, it will be hard, but at last she will fight for her happiness.
2548170
Then how about you become his editor, I noticed some people here complain about his grammar errors, but right now there are tons of stories up there and almost no editors to help, I know it since I wrote many stories but did not submitted even one because I lack of person who can increase quality of my story ( and since English is not my language, it does not help ).
Very nice
keep going, i know that its hard the grammar stuff, but dont worry you will improve, i hope that you find one editor if your are looking for one of course 
Btw...Nyx best pony.
2548349
The reason Nexus was able to get away with Nyx so fast was because he blasted her out of the circle before quickly teleporting away. In this scene, I feel it would progress just as normal except that Twilight would be outside the ring and therefore could easily jump or teleport to Nyx once she saw Celestia ejected out of the summoning circle. Likewise, I would suspect that Twilight would try and monitor the proceedings of the ritual and possibly get hints that whatever is happening is not on the level. Like detecting a teleport spell charging up or something similar.
If she jumps in as the teleport goes off and gets to ride along, I see her fighting tooth and
nailhoof to get Nyx out of there. And if she is able, shield Nyx from that dark ball of energy that slams into Nyx at the end of the ritual.If the plan goes off without a hitch, then I see Nyx turning on those who took her. She would also not be sedated by Celestia's spell since Twilight is on the ride with her. She would be pissed at Nexus and company.
2548599
As powerful as Twilight is, even if she jump in the circle and teleport with the rest, she may get captured off guard, after all she will be outnumbered, and Nexus was head master of school for gifted Unicorns, so even in duel, Twilight would have hard opponent to face, and outnumbered she wont stand a chance.
My guess is that Twilight will teleport with Nyx and Nexus and then after a battle, she will be knocked out, and they will start the ritual on Nyx forcefully.
I hope that it will ends up with Nyx protecting Twilight and beating up the cult before Celestia arrive with reinforcements.
And then Nyx will need to face angry/scared mob from ponyvile, Twilight friends what do not know about Nyx and will try to rescue Twilight from Nightmare Moon so they can get elements and beat her, and then we will have Celestia and army facing Nightmare Moon.
Twilight will probably still struggle with her friends rescuing her again her will, maybe even saying that Nightmare Moon brainwashed her, guards will probably attack right away forcing Nyx to defend herself, and Celestia would see that cult members are knocked out, but she may still be afraid that Nyx as Nightmare Moon is a threat and there would not be much time for a talk in front of ponies from Ponyvile.
All in all, it will be Nyx decision how will it end, will she play defence and do her best to not hurt any pony with hope that they will stop attacking and start asking questions, or will she cover in fear and surrender to Celestia mercy, or her fears will win and she will turn into mist and make a run to everfree forest, and then Twilight will have a little talk with Celestia about:
Twilight: " If anything goes wrong at Canterlot I will never forgive you and myself.”
2548689
It is not that she needs to fight, she needs to stay mobile to be able to get to Nyx and then get her out of there. I would also think that the author making her become a walking sheet of flames would not be implausible. But I can also see her becoming incapacitated.
If she did gain the body of Nightmare Moon, then I would see events playing out similar to Past Sins, except Nyx would not gloat. She would more likely turn on those who attacked and harmed Twilight. The Ponyvillians would just stand around in fear and confusion. From there it would depend on who gains the upper hand, cultists or Nyx; I would say Nyx since the cultists worship her.
If Nyx did have to face Celestia it would not be agonistic since Nyx has done nothing wrong besides defender herself and Twilight. She would not really blame them for her current situation since they were tricked as well. Twilight's friends would possibly freakout at first, but after seeing that "Nightmare Moon" is not acting like she should, but like an older Nyx, they would not be as scared. Especially if she plays with the CMC.
I see the phrase, "If anything goes wrong at Canterlot I will never forgive you and myself." Only applying if Twilight did not accompany Nyx to Canterlot. However, since she did, she would have done everything she could think of at the time to protect Nyx.
2548930
Well, do not forget that Nyx special talent is protecting those she love, because when Celestia and Luna focus on ruling country, doing paper work and raising sun and moon, Nyx is more of a field support, unlike Celestia and Luna, she is more like Twilight, she is ready to face dangers head on and take the blow, and it make her perfect shield for mane 6 since Celestia and Luna never bother to join on adventure.
But to protect others,she first need to have powers, and if Twilight will prevent Nyx from turning into Nightmare Moon, Nyx would not be able to get her cutie mark any time soon, and story would end up fast.
I hope that Nyx will turn into Nightmare Moon, because even if she will attack the cult and just defend herself, she still looks like Nightmare Moon, so she would need to get others to trust her, and also take direct action where she would get her cutie mark, and hopefully there will not be need to take Nightmare Moon powers away from Nyx just because ponies were want her banished or killed out of fear.
For some reason it disapoint me a little that after event of past sins Nyx become weaker then even Unicorn her age, after all her special talent was to protect others, I fell like this plot took away every chance for Nyx to use her special talent, in all Nyx related stories she is always defenceless little filly who instead of protecting Twilight and her friends, need they protection.
2548999
Not getting her Cutie Mark gives her more time with the CMC as a blank flank like them. She would still get her Cutie Mark, though maybe differently, like protecting Sweetie from one of Scoot's hair brained ideas. She does not know what her Cutie Mark would be, so would still need the right situation even if she gains NNM's power.
She could still gain NNM's powers but it would not assure her a Cutie Mark. The cult would roll over for her. Nyx's powers would still be half or so of Luna's old powers as well. If the power was not returned to Luna, it would deprive Nyx of a childhood and Luna of the power the Elements stripped away.
It annoyed me as well that Nyx became far weaker than she was originally, but she would gain it back in her own time as she grows. I think that making Nyx the protector of the Elements would be unfair to her since she would not be able to spend her time after school with the CMC getting covered in tree sap. It would also deprive Twilight of the joy of watcher her little filly grow into a strong and responsible mare.
Never go for more that 3 periods with ellipsis, its read weirdly.
Don't worry about that one because Nyx will turn into a Nightmare Moon anyway
2547990 Sorry for all those errors;;;; I'll edit more.
I edited once more...... I hope it's more natural....
Read again and if there is still awkward lines, let me know.
I'll fix it again.
2549854 Um, I don't get what you mean.
2548358 Excuse me, I'm a girl not a boy, you know
2550355 Just "..." 3 periods, no "........."
2550533 Okay I'll do that at the next part
Hmm interesting concept though I kinda wish that it had taken more to wake up Twilight and stop Celestia from taking Nyx. Everything seems way to calm. In the original story there was a lot of build up and when the moment came it had me on the edge of my seat. I love What If's but I really think you should consider rereading the story a few times to really get the feeling of these characters.
2550684 I'll try to make the situation more nervous then.
Edited again. I know it's a bit calm but I'm trying my best to rewrite it, so don't push me too hard please. And hope you like it more
2550384
My bad sorry.
Okay, i know its still being edited, and it seems like it can be a good story, but alot of it is still painful to read. I'm just taking a shot in the dark and assuming english isn't your native language; which if so, then this is a valiant effort.
The first half is littered with awkward sentences and grammatically correct but odd word choice.
For example:
Probably would read better like so:
Another odd one:
Should go more like this:
2551624 Thanks for the correction. I really need it. I'm still trying to sound natural so if there's more awkward sentences, just let me know. I'll fix them right away.
2551660 Can do
2550787 Awesome, glad to see you are editing it as well.
2551767 Truth be told, I'm only doing this cuz:
A) I have nothing better to do
B) While I have great ideas for stories, I can never seem to find a satisfying way to open, continue, or end them. So, yeah...
C) Why should I be the only one to benefit from my anal retentive ways of literary expression?
But on to corrections!
Suggested reworking:
And more fixes!
Suggestion:
And now I'm starting to feel like that old annoying paperclip helper from MS Word...
And some more.
Recommended approach:
And yes, I will continue using the block approach, gets a better contextual flow viewing the correction and the work around it as a whole versus individual statements.
But that's just my opinion.
2552027 Okay another edit done. I'm really getting tired editing but it really sounds more natural after I edited the parts that you suggested. Thanks again for helping.
Im currently in the process of reading " past sins" aloud to my little brother ( and in the process rediscovering what a damn great story it truly is!) and tomorrow will be the day we hit the infamous Chapter ten.
So great timing.
Guess what? I edited again...
You need an editor. I noticed a few mistakes. I can edit the grammar, if you'd like. I could also edit the next chapter if you wish me to.
More...give me more.. I CANT SLEEP GIVE ME MOAR!!!
2555446
Sorry, this still has a lot of grammatical errors. Not necessarily in spelling, but in word use. If you wish, I can give this the once over, but in all honesty, this needs to go through a second party at least.
That said, liking the way you staged the intervention of Twilight. I can't wait to see where this goes.
2556848 You really mean that??Thanks so much!!! I'll send the first chapter first then. I'm still working on chapter two and I have one more story that I'm working on... Is it okay with you?
2558637 Whoa there, I'm still working on it...and I don't really know how much It'll take. But I'll try to make it fast, so relax okay? I'm glad you like my story!
an alternate reality where twi went with her adoptive daughter. FINALLY !
ABOUT BUCKING TIME!
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2559645 Errors all fixed!
Don't worry about the errors. I have my editor now.
2682524
Heh, glad to hear it!! It really is an excellent idea, and I want to see it fulfilled! Best of luck, I'm looking forward to updates eagerly!!
Good! Very Good