The Ponion

by CartsBeforeHorses

"Equestrian Idol Judge Iron Will Quits," "Musical Number Causes Traffic Delay," "Crystal Empire Bans Foal Names 'David,' 'Rachael'"

THE PONION
Equestria's Finest News Source
May 10th, 2013

Stories This Issue
Equestrian Idol Judge Iron Will Quits, ENTERTAINMENT, 1A
Spontaneous Musical Number Causes Traffic Delay, LOCAL, 1B
Crystal Empire Bans Bizarre Foal Names "David," "Rachael," Among Others, WORLD, 1C

Equestrian Idol Judge Iron Will Quits

APPLEWOOD—After over a decade of judging one of Equestria’s premier talent shows, motivational speaker and Equestrian Idol judge Iron Will has announced that he won’t be returning for another season.

“Well, they weren’t one hundred percent satisfied with my performance this past season, so THEY. PAID. ME. NOTHING!” he shouted to reporters at a press conference Thursday.

“Actually, they were satisfied, I just straight-up quit. It’s been great, but I’ve decided to focus more on my motivational speaking and concerts,” he added.

Iron Will was the longest-serving judge on the show, having been on since its inception. Long-time fans knew him as the more upbeat, energetic counterpart to the acerbic, dismissive judges Hoity Toity and Octavia, while ponies who only occasionally watched simply knew him as “that one minotaur guy.”

He was best-known for his constructive criticism and motivational pumping-up of the contestants, offering them salient advice. He was also known for his collection of catch-phrases, including:

“Sing on key, be all you can be!”
“Be prouder, sing louder!”
“Pick a better song, so you can sing along!”

“His motivational, witty rhyming phrases really helped me improve my singing voice,” said season four winner and now-famous country singer Cherry Underhooves, “Without his little one-liners to help me, I don’t know where I’d be today. Probably not too successful, that’s for sure.”

However, Iron Will did have his occasional blowups, and was known to be irate with the contestants on more than one occasion.

“Get off stage, or else I’ll RAGE!” he once fumed at a nasally-voiced, horrendously off-key young stallion during season two auditions.

He also was known for deducting points in a somewhat harsh manner if he didn’t feel that contestants were giving their best efforts.

“If you don’t harmonize, I will PENALIZE!” he once said to a season seven contender who had attempted to sing a rendition of “Winter Wrap-Up.” Iron Will then reduced the mare’s score by half, nearly making her that week’s elimination pick.

Equestrian Idol once dominated the competition in the ratings, but the show has been steadily declining over the years as ponies’ incredibly short attention spans have been diverted into other reality shows. Sources confirmed that Iron Will’s departure was the final nail in the coffin for this stagnant, geriatric show.

One pony on the street had this to say, “Wait, Equestrian Idol is still going on? But now with no more Iron Will? But he was cool. Now who else is there? Do they still have that guy with the accent? No? That one hot mare? No? Well, I used to watch it when I had nothing better to do, but now I won’t anymore. Iron Will was pretty much the only thing keeping it going.” Ω

Spontaneous Musical Number Causes Traffic Delays

PONYVILLE—Residents of the city of Ponyville were greeted with an hour-long delay in their morning commute on Friday as a large crowd of ponies broke into a spontaneous song led by a pink party mare.

The song, “Everypony Sing Along With Me,” led by the charismatic Pinkie Pie, resulted in a large, unplanned parade and dance breaking out along Main and Stirrup Streets, in which hundreds of ponies participated, singing along with the lyrics:

“Cause life is just a grand parade,
so join me in the cavalcade,
every pony sing today,
just sing along with me!”

However, the unplanned musical celebration led to a nearly hour-long bottleneck in and around the junction. Ponies were packed flank-to-flank around the avenue, and numerous carriages and cabs blocked the thoroughfare. Some ponies were experiencing road rage.

“You’ve got to be KIDDING me! Yeah, I get it, Ponyville is a happy place and we should all sing and dance. Whoop-de-do. Well, guess what? Now I’m over thirty minutes late to work because I’m caught up in this. I just hope my boss is stuck in traffic too, or else I might be fired. I’m already on my second warning, and I don’t need a third,” local pony Amethyst Star said over the noise of music which could be heard in the background.

This was the worst congestion that Ponyville had experienced since February’s “True, True Friend” incident, which caused a nearly two-hour stoppage in traffic flow.

“Man, it’s times like these that I wish I could just get out and fly over this whole traffic jam,” grumbled another pony, Blossomforth.

“Oh wait, that’s right, I can; I’m a pegasus,” she added as she flew off into the air. Ω

Crystal Empire Bans Foal Names "David," "Rachael," Among Others

CRYSTOPOLIS, CRYSTAL EMPIRE—The Crystal Empire’s Department of Internal Affairs has updated the list of approved and prohibited names to ban several deemed too bizarre or offensive. Names on the list include Rachael, Travis, David, Chelsea, and Peter, among others.

“No, you can’t name your newborn foal ‘James,’ so don’t even ask. Where do ponies even come up with these depraved, reckless combinations of vowels and consonants, anyway?” said the department head, Crystalline Fields.

When our reporters asked whether or not this move potentially violated free speech, Mr. Fields referred us to his department’s legal team, which assured us that this was a perfectly constitutional move under the laws of the Crystal Empire.

“We’ve always reserved the power to ban names. Especially ones that are as weird as Tyler or Marie,” said one government attorney, Revised Code Subsection.

“Nowhere in our Constitution does it guarantee you the right to be silly or outrageous,” Mrs. Subsection added.

While conducting pony-on-the-street interviews about the new bans, our reporters heard similar sentiments among the population.

“Frankly, I’m glad they’re taking this step,” said Starrynight Lullaby, age 34. “What kind of parent names their foal ‘Nicholas’ or ‘Kendra?’ That’s just asking for the filly or colt to be bullied in school, and to have difficulty finding a job. If you want to be safe, just stick with one of the many thousands of names on the list of approved names. Don’t name your kid something stupid.”

After King Sombra was dethroned, some residents of the Crystal Empire still could not remember their own pre-Sombra names, due to suppressed memories from post-traumatic stress disorder. In those cases, residents may either pick a new name for themselves from the list of approved names, or keep their old name.

“If you can’t remember the name that your parents gave you, and you’re having trouble picking a new name for yourself, just use the one that Sombra gave you. That’s what I did,” said another pony we interviewed, Crystal Miner Number 4324. Ω

FINANCE
Dow Pones: 15118.49, +35.87 (0.24%)
MLP 500: 1633.70, +7.03 (0.43%)

Stocks continued their week-long rally today as Filthy Rich announced that he was richer, and filthier, than ever. Investors also saw false promise in Europonean markets, naively thinking that they could ever possibly get their utterly hopeless financial house back in order.

SPORTS
-Sports star Jason Cloppins shook up the sports world after he confirmed that, yes, his barn door does swing that way. Nopony had any idea what on earth barn doors had to do with hoofball, it was reported.

-Detrot Manticores report that their first-round draft pick looks promising. But hey, let's be honest here, the perennially-underwhelming team will probably continue to suck far into the forseeable future.

WEATHER
Friday: That's today. So, whatever it's like outside your window.
Saturday: Overcast with a slight chance of chocolate milk if Discord decides that he isn't really reformed and being chaotic is more fun.
Sunday: Sun. What, why do you think they call it Sunday? You were expecting the pegasi to schedule rain, or something?
Monday: A severe case of the Mondays will roll into town right around 7:00 am and won't subside until at least 5:00 pm, possibly later.
Tuesday: Due to a sudden disturbance in the magical force, our forecasters could not see beyond this date. Please try again later.

CLASSIFIED
I'm selling a saggy old plow. We finally replaced Big Macintosh's and now we need somepony to take it off our hooves. I'll accept almost any price.
-Applejack

Mare looking for a decent time. Not a great time, just a decent time. I'm kind of down in the dumps and anything to cheer me up even slightly would be great.
-Q. L.

Need a thickly-scaled baby dragon to act as a pincushion for my many sewing needles. Pay is reasonable. Overtime possible.
-Rarity

Comments

[Chessie]

Brilliance, sir(s) and/or madam(s). You have made my unreasonably timed morning. I was particularly fond of the ending of the "Different Species Marriage" article.

--CEO Kasen

[CartsBeforeHorses]

2565578 Thanks, I'm glad you like it!

[Lag Incarnate]

Now who could Q. L. possibly be?