• Member Since 22nd Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 20th, 2014

Magic Llama


E

A strange blue box in an alley. A mysterious letter in his own hoofwriting. Instructions to go to Ponyville. These things lead a Fillydelphia weatherpony on a dark quest in search of a missing pony, aided by a cross-eyed mailmare. Will they find the Doctor before it's too late? And what evil secrets lie beneath the grand city of Canterlot?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 16 )

Hmmm... people are reading but no ones speaking.... as an amateur author feedback would be appreciated

I am intrigued. Is this really your first fic?
You're doing a wonderful job, in my opinion.
Trackiiiiiiiing~:heart:

Very well done, Magic. You blew mine outa the water with your descs alone man. Nicely done. :) And he should really pick up some cupcakes while at Sugarcube Corner. :pinkiehappy:

I had a comment typed out but site maintenance wiped it.

"The evening sky was obscured by clouds as a drizzle blanketed the city of Fillydelphia. Almost everypony was inside as nighttime approached, especially with this weather. Well, almost everypony. One lone pegasus roamed the city streets. His name was Thunderbreeze. The storm specialist on the city’s weather patrol was going for a walk, enjoying the rain that he had created."

Nothing too glaring that should've gotten it shot down. Maybe add an extra descriptor to clouds, but that's not needed, tbh.

Also, maybe combine "One lone pegasus... His name was Thunderbreeze" into something like "One lone pegasus, by the name of Thunderbreeze, roamed the city streets." 4 words in a sentence isn't bad, but it might work better in a larger sentence.

it's late here, so I'll get back to this in the morning

225424

Thats actually pretty good; I'm terrible with phrasing. So if you don't mind, i think I'll use that

Not bad but needs work. I see a lot of jarring info dumps that break the flow of the story and there are a few places where I'm left wondering why the character is doing what they are doing.

For example getting irrationally angry at a police box. I would have expected curiosity more than anger.

As for info dumps:

"The evening sky was obscured by clouds as a drizzle blanketed the city of Fillydelphia. Almost everypony was inside as nighttime approached, especially with this weather. Well, almost everypony. One lone pegasus roamed the city streets. His name was Thunderbreeze. The storm specialist on the city’s weather patrol was going for a walk, enjoying the rain that he had created."

I don't need to know his name right away (it's made clear at the start of the next paragraph) and I don't need to know his job at this moment. Also you're starting with what amounts to "It was a dark and stormy night" which is a literary landmine to avoid unless you are really REALLY sure you know what you're doing.

Here's a quick rewrite of the first paragraph or so that (I personally think) flows better to illustrate my point:

Autumn in Fillydelphia brought a cold evening drizzle to the city. The normally bustling hub felt unusually silent as worsening weather and fading light kept everypony inside. Well, almost everypony: One lone pegasus roamed the city streets.

Thunderbreeze loved the rain. He lived for the bracing shiver of ice-cold droplets seeping under his teal coat, his sodden grey mane hanging low over his eyes. He delighted in the splish that interrupted the usual clop of hooves on cobblestone as he stepped in a freshly formed puddle. The gentle staccato of rain on rooftops was the music to which his heart beat.

***

Still not perfect, but you get the idea. You don't need to tell me everything at once. Let the story flow and the world will build itself.

Avoid repeating words and phrases too close to each other like saying "he loves this, he loves that": A thesaurus is an indispensable tool.

And don't start sentences with a conjunction like and or but. It's bad grammar. :P

Hope this helps. :derpytongue2:

227581

MY GOD YOU ARE GENIUS. That actually sounds like a professional fic intro. Too bad I'll feel guilty if I use it.

The thing, my problem is that I can't technically, you know, write. Never before in my life have I creatively written anything. So everything style-wise is pretty rubbish. I get that a lot: great plot, sketchy writing. To me, this fic is just some writing practice, so that my school essays will stop scoring badly. But now I'm caught up in the story.

Fun Fact: I didn't outline any of this. I have no idea what's going to happen; I only learn when I start a-typin'. So it's a lot more fun and mysterious to write. I suggest everyone try it sometime. Just pick some random, cryptic intro and start writing from there. You'd be surprised at what pops up.

And.... now I'm ranting. Sorry

Hahaha! I wouldn't go as far as genius... I'm just a pleb too.

If you like it by all means use it.

Style comes with practice. I have an eye for it just from reading, I've never written fiction outside of school.

Without a plan the fic may never end up on EQD but that doesn't matter, so long as you have fun writing it and it lets you improve.

If you need a hand with style I can help you out. I've got the time.

Be warned though, my punctuation is inconsistent at best... XD

This thing ain't dead; I've been a bit busy. But Im still working on it, dont worry.

I'm on the last scene... expect it out within the week, i guess.

But that's not what I'm here to say. According to the season finale, there's a maze of caverns beneath Canterlot that nopony knows about. Sound familiar? Yep. That's right. This story was canon before it was canon. :rainbowkiss:

Luna:ajbemused: why would you not pause to think about that?

568365

Oh thank god. "What did I doooooo?!"

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