Leftovers

by CrutioAstarothChaos

Codename three: Grocery list

Sweet Salad had a usual day. The earth pony was the owner of a grocery stand on the Canterlot market, selling the goods she had delivered from her family’s farm every week. She was just checking her tomatoes, when a customer arrived at her stand.

“Hello!” she greeted the fuchsia colored unicorn mare. “How may I help you?”

“Hi!” the other replied. “I would like to buy some tomatoes. How much for a bunch?”

“Hmm, well, how about two bits for three tomatoes?”

“Two bits? That is outrageously cheap! They aren’t rotten are they?” the unicorn asked, inspecting some of the vegetables.

“Of course not!” Salad replied somewhat hurt. “They’re fresh from the farm! Just brought them here today! Want a free taste?”

“Well, why not?” the mare accepted a tomato, holding it in her hoof, looking at it. “Seems fine.”

Well duh! Salad thought rolling her eyes, I’m not going to jeopardize myself by putting rotten vegetables on display!

“I’m a potato!” the tomato, which suddenly turned into a changeling yelled.

“Damn it, Celery! You were supposed to be an eggplant! I’m the potato!” a potato from the stack cried out.

The two mares started screaming and ran away, as more and more fruits and vegetables turned into changelings on the grocery stand.

“If you’re the potato, what the hell am I?” asked a changeling, sitting on a bunch of bananas.

“I don’t know, but seriously, look at this!” a fourth one added, holding up a small sign. “Who would pay four bits for a bunch of carrots?”

“Halt! You are under arrest!” A small group of royal guards yelled, arriving on the scene.

“For what, being nuts?” a fifth one asked giggling at his own joke.

“Really colonel, what are we going to arrest them for?” a guard asked his superior.

“Maybe you can tell your captain that we were totally-” one of them replied. “-Bananas!”

The group of changelings started laughing so hard they fell off of the grocery stand. Still giggling like fillies being tickled they continued to joke about the situation.

“Maybe if they bring us in they’ll get a celery raise!” one said between two hiccups of a laugh. “I’ll bet their actions will be very fruitful!”

“Are they making fun of us?” A guard asked, torn between his pride and laughter.

“I don’t know,” another replied. “But their jokes are pretty… nutty!”

The group of guards burst out laughing, joining the cacophony of changeling giggling. If somepony were to witness the scene, they would have surely lost all faith in the royal guards.

Twilight wished the coffee would’ve arrived five minutes ago; she could really have used it back then. Since then the chaos may have died down, but the paperwork was just beginning to increase. Reports came in that the guards managed to contain most of the outbreaks, and that so far nopony was seriously hurt. But now that she was not needed to help plan a way for the guards to secure the city, more and more ponies demanded that she began to sort out their insurance issues. Twilight hoped that if she complied, it would ease some of the pressure on her.

After this terrible decision, she needed more than five coffees.

“Finally!” she cheered and yelled at the same time, when she saw the maid enter with a platter with a single cup on it. “I trust everything went well?”

“Of course ma’am!” the maid replied, holding out the platter for the unicorn, so she could take the coffee.

“Good, because I need you to bring me five more of these!” Twilight ordered.

“Five more?” the maid asked back shocked. “But…”

“You’re right, make it fifteen!” Twilight cut her off. “By the time you come back I’ll need them all!”

“But I can’t go back to the kitchen!” the maid said, tapping her chin with a hoof. “Well, not without an armored platoon of ponies!”

“An armored– what?” Twilight asked back, her eyes wide. “But why?”

“Well, the nice ponies in the kitchen asked me to tell you they needed some guards down there!”

“Nice ponies? You mean the princesses?” the lavender unicorn asked suspiciously.

“Yes, them!”

“May I see your cutiemark?” Twilight asked the mare.

“Of course!” she replied, moving her skirt with a hoof. “It’s a compass, see?”

“You’re not very bright for a changeling are you?”

“No, I’m pretty sure I’m black.” Cheesebrain replied. “But a brighter shade of that!”

“Figures.” Twilight snorted. “The only maid in the whole castle, and it has to be a changeling! Tell me, are there any more of you in this room currently?”

Cheesebrain nodded with a happy smile.

“Is it my coffee?” The changeling shook his head in response. “Thank Celestia!”

“It’s the platter!”

“Way to go Cheesebrain, you just had to expose me!” Cottage said, turning back into his original form. “Now what are we supposed to do?”

“How about you two help me solve this mess?” Twilight suggested, massaging her forehead. “I really could use a solution right now. Or more coffee.”

“How about making a royal decree that changelings are no longer enemies of Equestria?” Cheesebrain suggested. “Then you may be able to start working on a way to make all volunteer changelings citizens of your state!”

“You are not the same retarded changeling I came here with this morning,” Cottage Cheese said both his and Twilight’s mouth agape.

“Of course I am, silly; I still remember when you tried to turn into a vase, thinking ponies love vases!”

“I can’t help it!” Cottage defended himself. “It was so pretty and I broke it!”

“Wait, let’s go back to the topic at hoof; what about your suggestion?” Twilight asked curiously.

“Well, if you would offer a way for changelings to become legal citizens of Equestria, I hardly think there would be many who would decline the opportunity,” Cheesebrain explained. “We are after all starving without the proper food source. Offering the opportunity for a stress-free hunting ground for the changelings would blind them so much that they would agree to any reasonable term immediately.”

“But why have you not come forward with a diplomatic solution before?” Twilight asked.

“Well, our queen thinks that as predators we should stick to ruling our prey.” Cottage added. “She thought that by making ponies feel distrust towards their food she could starve them to the point that they would be weak enough to be taken over.”

“But I think she didn’t take into account that the hive’s total population is barely enough to take over Canterlot,” Cheesebrain took over. “And that with our current supplies and tactics we would last for about three days at maximum.”

“How the hell do you know all this?” Cottage asked, still shocked at his brother’s logic and knowledge.

“Know all what?” Cheesebrain asked with his usual dumb smile.

“Three days at maximum means if we want to make a move, we have to do it immediately!” Twilight brightened up, turning to leave. “Finally a way for me to get rid of the annoying insurance issues! Come on you two; we have diplomacy to do!”

“Yay, let’s do it!” Cheesebrain cheered, following Twilight. “Is that some sort of cake? I can mimic any cake!”

“I seriously can’t understand that little idiot,” Cottage murmured to himself with a smile, going after the two.

“So, are you finally ready to meet my terms? Or should I continue destroying your food?” Chrysalis asked with an evil smile.

The two princesses watched in shock as the changeling queen took another bite from the last dark-chocolate and vanilla cake. They tried to take down the evil queen, but she took the contents of the fridge as hostages, and neither ruler would’ve wished to harm the sweets with a reckless attack. This of course meant that they were forced to watch as the evil queen slowly devoured all their precious cakes and sweets.

“Art thou mad?” Luna asked. “We have no way of storing the love of our precious ponies, how dost thou expect us to hand over love enough for a year for thine hive?”

“Hmm, good question,” Chrsyalis replied, tapping her chin with her hole-filled hoof. “Sadly that’s another of my demands turned down, and you know what that means!”

“Wait!” Celestia interrupted before the queen could take another bite. “I’m sure we can work out something!”

“Like what?” the changeling asked smiling.

“Really sister, what art thou thinking of?” Luna whispered to her sister.

“Maybe we can send her off to Appleloosa,” Celestia replied in the same low tone.

“But Appleloosa is filled with barbaric ponies who have no love for anypony!” Luna said.

“But she doesn’t know that!” the princess of the sun added with a mischievous grin. “And in the meantime we can secure Canterlot, and then she can’t invade us again!”

“Brilliant!” the other cheered.

“You know, I’m sitting right here!” Chrysalis said with a frown. “And I can hear what you’re planning!”

“You think she’s onto us?” Luna asked whispering to her sister.

“You bet I am,” the queen replied. “And for the hundredth time: you won’t get rid of me this easily!”

“Who said anything about trying to get rid of you?” Celestia inquired, faking innocence.

“Well, so far you haven’t come up with any useful ideas!” Chrysalis blamed them. “You tried to send me off to try and befriend the dragons, suggested that all changelings enter the pupa state and become beautiful butterflies, and offered me a chance to become Luna’s personal fly-tamer!”

“But I really need a fly-tamer!” Luna pouted. “They keep flying off all the time!”

“My point is that everything you suggested would require no input from either of you!” the queen said furiously. “You don’t care about your little ponies, you care about your cakes and biscuits! And you wouldn’t even lift a hoof to save those!”

“I beg your pardon, but I’ll let you know I do care about my little ponies!” Celestia replied indignantly. “I left the most capable pony sitting on the throne, instead of me!”

“Was it prince Blueblood?” the moon princess whispered fearfully.

“No, somepony way better than him!”

“Hey Emmental!” the head of a changeling popped in through the door. “We’re gonna set some diplomatic terms for a peace between changelings and ponies! You wanna come?”

“You bet I do, Cottage!” Emmental replied, turning back from his glass form into his original body, jumping off of the counter. “I’m sick of listening to this charade!”

“Oh, hey there, your majesty!” Cottage said waving a hoof when he noticed Chrysalis.

“Good day my faithful servant!” the queen replied somewhat shocked, watching as Emmental left the room. “What is this ‘negotiation’ you talk about?”

“Well, there’s no time to explain!” Cottage replied. “Got to hurry and do diplomacy!”

The trio of royalty left alone in the kitchen kept staring at the doorway, still frozen from shock.

“A negotiation…” Celestia said.

“Between ponies…” Luna added.

“And changelings…” Chrysalis continued.

“Without me?!” all three of them yelled.

They looked at each other for a second, finally finding a common thing between themselves, and with an embarrassed cough they all quickly looked away.

“Truce?” Luna suggested finally.

“Just until this thing is sorted out.” Chrysalis said, and they all shook hooves with each other.

They all hurried after the two changelings, leaving everything behind.

Not exactly three seconds later Luna re-entered the kitchen, opened the fridge, grabbed a tart and a pie, and ran back after her sister.

Comments

[CrazyJackson]

Are they haveing a...a...a

[HoneyBadgerr]

[Nova Arcanum]

This story is even funnier when reading while listening to this:

[fireflutterpony]

Chrysalis' plan is flawed. As long as the princesses have access to cake-and-biscuit-baking ponies, they can always get more cake and biscuits. She should have kidnapped all the ponies with baking cutie marks.

[RMWarPony]

this is perfectly silly

[fractalman]

6230289 My reaction as well.

[Kilobytes]

Man, whatever happened to this?

[Teraunce]

this is so stupid its brilliant. too bad it's dead.

[DullLight]

This is absolutely hilarious, I can't stop screaming