closetbrony1551
Joined 21st May, 2012 ·
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Nice, I like the idea and I am going to follow this. Make more, please.
I look forward to reading this... :D
Well so far the premise is nothing new. You also should increase the length of your chapters, and not rush the scenes. I'll be keeping my eye out on this.
One thing I've got to point out for future reference, is to not have your character as too one dimensional. It seems he's going to be attacked by Rainbow Dash. While he may not want to antagonize the ponies since he is the alien in their world, there has to be a point where his patience will run low. Cultural confusions, differences in opinions, constant awkward situations, insults (intended or not), general misunderstandings could all bring about a fresh perspective and flesh out his character and prevent it from being too bland. After all what is a story without conflict?
As you're writing, you should try and avoid what I call the "Barney and Friends Syndrome", where the main character constantly is submissive and accepts whatever happens to him and instantly forgives any wrongdoings done to him, which is then completely forgotten about. Human nature and logic would dictate that these misdeeds done to him would remain with him, and colour his future actions, perceptions and opinions. To simply forget would risk it happening again, and the cycle continues.
their
extra up, you should also write out the word five
This story..... I like it
Excellently done, you've discarded the usual "hello, me human, me pony, let's be friends yaaay!" approach writers usually use!
Initial distrust between two different species is and should be expected. Now, I do wonder how they'll react if they meet each other. On one hand the ponies are looking for a potentially hostile creature they've never seen before. On the other hand you have a human hiding out into the woods, after almost being attacked by one of the ponies, injured and bleeding. Perhaps you should hold off on the confrontation for a while, while they're searching for him have him hide in fear, maybe he'll hear Rainbow boasting about how she scared him and what she could do to him, in order to build the tension to a high. Have him spend some days in the forest hiding out, thinking the ponies are out to get him. Maybe one of the cuts he received might become infected, making him do something desperate. Hopefully some of these ideas help.
changed
its
nowhere
its
Good luck in your exams, I just had today two in the past couple of days, and one today
its
Maybe Luke should find a cave to stay in instead of in the open, offers better protection and can hide. You don't have to post chapters so regulary if you have exams, these short chapters kinda restrict the amount of details you can use.
2551143 Thanks for the ideas and pointing out the errors in my story, I appreciate it.
2550779 That would be a refreshing change of pace from the usual offerings some HIE authors give, hopefully the author uses them! Favourited!
maybe at some point have them catch him eating meat or something. just my two cents
2559714 2551164 2550779 I'm loving all those ideas, surprisingly yours too JBL. I still think you're a schmuck though, always trying to give advice that nobody cares about.
Anyway, your chapters need to be longer, around 2000-2500 words, don't rush the damn thing, take your time and develop your chapters rather than trying to post chapters every day.
2567363 Point taken. I kinda just wanted to get something down before exam week (which is still going), so I do apologize for both the short chapters and the rushed story. I plan to get a chapter out either tomorrow or the day after, then the writing process should go a little smoother.
2567363 Dude, calm down, I'm merely trying to help writers create a story that would be enjoyable to read,
This one has a lot of potential, but the possibility of him using tropes are high, I believe my ideas will put a fresh spin on the HiE genre, it the writer finds them useful so be it. If he finds they're nothing but crap, so be it.
dude this story is good and its been a while so I must say with the most fluttershyness I can muster right now...
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/28698104.jpg
Please...
And that's why you don't play basketball....... EVER! In fact, the sport should be exterminated as soon as possible!
On a serious note, hope your recovery is swift and as painless as possible.
MOAR
Like the story but you need to separate Rainbow Dash name. Its two words not one.
So Short!
Short it is, longer be it must.
That's a poor rendition of Yoda.
This is too short, even by my standards.
MOAR
Through: preposition 1.) in at one end, side, or surface and out at the other; 2.) past, beyond; 3.) from one to the other of, between or among the individual members or parts of; 4.) over the surface of, by way of, or within the limits or medium of; 5.) during the whole period of, throughout.
Threw: verb simple past tense of throw. <- This is the one you need to be using when you were working with the spear in this chapter, not "through".
I'd recommend getting an editor to assist you in checking spelling and grammar as you have several throughout the chapter. The through/threw was the only one that really annoyed me.
you broke your wrist?
the most ive broken was a pinkie(no pun intended)
dang get well soon
cast or brace?
its
won't
get rid of the a
what else is in these woods...
2603307 Well he's slowly improving on that regard, more than 400 words than the last chapter, although chapters should be at least 2000 words long, he'll get there (hopefully)
2604344 Brace... which makes it really hard to type
2604209 Wow, that one was bad even for me! I didn't know what I was thinking on that one
2605512
Eh, it happens, but that's why I'd recommend having someone else read through your story to catch those typos before the chapter gets posted. You can also use them to bounce ideas off of. Editors are really useful, especially when you don't have a lot of time to write and can't afford to go over your draft more than once. JBL here seems to have almost taken over the job anyway, so he might be interested in doing it "officially".
Feeling guilty about causing your attacker to be knocked unconscious.
Going back to help the unconscious creature that was rather violent towards you, twice. One of them searching you out after fleeing.
Taking said creature back to its companions, who may also be not that peaceful.
Damn lucky you landed in such a peaceful, soft universe. Cause you'd be dead pretty quick anywhere else.
2607876 Well, he might be carrying RD to his camp, or to take care of her injuries, not necessarily back to the rest of ponies, unless I missed something...
Didn't his legs or something get injured previously from running away from them, how was he able to move so fast as to evade RD for a time. I can only imagine that putting so much physical strain on it would only serve to inflame what injuries he has.
2613872
maybe he's just awesome?
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/133742554387.gif
2614813 It really gives a whiff of Gary Stu-ness, to be honest. Or perhaps the writer simply forgot to factor it in.
2614829
maybe so, I just read and enjoy. When I read something Im usually not a critical person about writing etiquette. Unless it makes absolutely no sense, that's when I ask questions.
2613872
Adrenalin is a great pain-killer.
2614970 True, but the downside to adrenaline is that when it wears off, you feel worse than before...
2614845 I'm not being critical to be negative, I like this story. If any of my points help improve it, all the better.
Interesting so far, but the reactions have been completely contrived.
Why is Rainbow being so stupidly violent in this story? The guy hasn't done anything to have her charge him, and yet that's literally the only thing on her mind. Don't even try to say it's because she saw the weapon, that's a stupid excuse. It also doesn't excuse the first time she charged him, when he wasn't even close to her or threatening her.
Also, nice job having them point out that he was probably intelligent because he was wearing clothes. What wasn't such a nice job was then having everyone ignore that fact even though it had been pointed out less than a second ago. Also, why hasn't the idiot said anything to defend himself at either point?
Basically, the story is interesting so far. However, you really need to stop forcing in so many conflict balls.
2550779
Yes, instantly becoming friends with no reasons given is generally bad writing.
Know what else is bad? Throwing in contrived fights for no reason. If you avoid one extreme by simply going to the other extreme, then you haven't fixed anything. In fact, considering the setting this is in, going to the other extreme is actually worse.
Update?
Aaaaaand this story goes on Hiatus.
I really hope this get taken off hiatus, I really look forward to a new chapter.
Update?
IT LIVES!!!!!!!!
Can we expect updates?
Welcome back
Well comeback and nice progress so far story wise
Holy Molly
Ha, the day I finally took it off my favorites list is the day you update
4737749 Yup
hoping every 3-4 days for an update