When an enemy from an unknown planet suddenly arrives, they quickly attack, leaving the planet a dying world that will no longer exist within one year. Princess Luna, aided by the fearless Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends, they will travel 148,000 Lightyears to the planet Iscandar and one day restore Equestria to it's once shining beauty. Climb aboard the Space Battleship Yamato and it's faithful crew of ponies for the adventure of a lifetime!
((Please for those that read this story, if you have an account, leave a comment or two. I really am trying to improve my writing and I want to know what the community thinks of how this story is going so far. Thank you and please, enjoy))
Chapters (11)
Once upon a time in the Magical Land of Equestria, there were Five Special Ponies, Twilight Sparkle, the very intelligent and magical Unicorn. Applejack, the honest and farm pony. Fluttershy, the shy but always kind Pegasus Pony. Pinkie Pie, the silly but always brave Pony. Rarity, the generous and always fashion smart Unicorn Pony. And Rainbow Dash the ever faithful and fast Pegasus Pony.
Um... FIVE? I counted SIX.
A decent start, I must say. Luna, however, seems a bit... arrogant. And technically, most view Celestia to be Princess of Equestria. I suppose it could work both ways, but many people will likely use those things as an excuse to dislike your story.
Now, for the stuff I LIKED...
You were very descriptive- almost to the point of overkill. Note that I said ALMOST. I do like the fact that Luna is portrayed as brave and loyal to Equestria, even though in the past it had caused her a bit of trouble. Although, perhaps I shouldn't complain about how you show Luna, as different people have different opinions on a side pony's true personality. (And TECHNICALLY, she's not part of the mane 6, so she's a side- NOT background- pony. Just clarifying.) I like where the story seems to be going. I can't wait to read more.
2538415 Thank you for the comment. And thank you so much for pointing it out. When I was writing this I was a little tired and meant to write six but instead wrote five. I'll get to fixing that right away.
I think if I wasn't tired after a long day from school I would've picked up on that.
And why I picked Luna over Celestia. Well I wanted to break the norm of having her be ruler of EVERYTHING. Celestia is still Princess of Equestria, but Luna is the Princess of the Equestrian Defense Forces (EDF).
Huh... was not expecting another Yamato fic. good to see i'm not the only one that had this idea
2669859 *chuckles* Other than MLP Yamato is my life. What do you think thus far? I like to see what people enjoyed and disliked so I can improve.
Sorry for the lack of an update to the story, however, school in real life has kept me busy, BUT thank God I've got 2 weeks off! I plan to write more of this fic during that time.
2671617 I can't help but feel this story is just too unoriginal. While the material your basing it off is great the fact that your copying it almost exactly makes me feel like i'm simply reading a ponyfied version of SBY instead of an original concept that involves the two.
This fic certainly isn't bad but it needs something new in it otherwise i might aswell just go and watch star blazers.
Nevertheless seeing as this IS your first fic You've done a heap better than many many others and practice guarantees improvement. keep at it and you'll be a great writer in no time.
2674247 I know what you mean. However, I will be doing an EXPANDED version of the story. Afterall, what happened during the days we didn't see in the show, plus there are situations that I will be changing as I go along.
Also once I've completed this expanded story I shall be in fact writing my own original SBY/MLP fic. This is a trial run to get everyone who reads it aquatinted with the original mixed with the MLP universe. In ways it will be true to the original, but in other ways it will be my own.
2674247 Taking your advice under consideration, I've come up with a plan to make this an original fiction, with the same goals as the original Yamato series. However, I need the beginning and ending to be fairly similar to the original to set the story in motion.
Much better! This fic has improved in leaps and bounds. The pacing feels right and the suspense leading up to the Yamato is excellent. The only thing I can think to work on is dialogue. Its not bad but it seems a little robotic. Heres a tip, imagine how you would say it to a friend, if it doesn't sound like something you or someone you know would say then change it,
I will definitely take it under advisement and try to put it to use. As I said previously, I planned to change up a few things and tack on a bit more. As you can tell I have done just as I promised. I'm glad you are enjoying it more than you previously did. My struggle now is dealing with certain struggles and situations that were in Yamato and translating them into the My Little Pony world.
The entire premise is cute but it needs a LOT of work to make it coherent and not completely derivative.
1) In the entire original space opera of Yamato 2199 (current canon) all actors were human except for skin color.
That implies that the fantasy equivalent of the Gammilus have to be some type of horse or horse analog. Name
needs changed, too: i.e. Gallopus. You could probably get away with using asses as the enemy rather than ponies.
2) The twin planet of Gallopus should be named Iscanter, populated by just three female alicorns:
Star Share (Starsha), Star Stare (Astra), and Star Glare (Yurisha).
2A) Star Stare should be found dead with a crystal message capsule.
3) Twilight makes an excellent analog for Sanada, but then she also can't double as Susumu Kodai. Tempmentally,
Twilight is best suited to be XO for the mission, in the Sanada role. Rainbow Dash should play Susumu's role as
battle chief, from a different attempt of My Little Yamato. Believe it or not, Apple Jack would be tempermentally
best suited as the navigator, but then a crash course in training as one would be definitely called for.
3A) Because Rainbow Dash is a mare, the character playing opposite of the battle chief at the radar station
needs to be a barely mature stallion. Suggestion for name: Blizzard Forest (masculinization of Yuki Mori),
cutie mark should be a white circle with green lines emanating from the center, talent for knowing where
EVERYTHING is around him at all times (magical equivalent to radar).
4) Having Shining Armor play Mamoru Kodai is problematical. For one thing Mamoru is supposedly
nursed to health and falls in love with the ruler of Iscanter. Ahem... isn't he married to Cadence?
5) Speaking of Cadence, where is she in all this? Dead, leaving it convenient for Shining Armor to
remarry? But I'd hate to see Cadence wasted like that.
Those are my initial suggestions for fixes.
2999020 whoa there man don't try to write the fic for him!
2999020 I see your suggestions and applaud you for them. HOWEVER, the direction I am taking this story is similar and as stated a crossover of the Yamato series. Where in that series there are SEVERAL different plotlines to the same story.
Where the original move Space Cruiser Yamato followed the same story as the Space Battleship Yamato series with extended plotlines. There is also the Space Battleship Yamato Live Action Movie which DRASTICALLY changed how the stories flowed. And then there is Space Battleship Yamato 2199 which is currently being released and viewed. And that too has different inner plotlines but all the while staying true to the story.
I urge you to keep reading and stick with my decisions for this story. And don't worry Princess Cadance WILL be showing up in this story, You just haven't had a chance to meet her YET!
Again I thank you for the comment and suggestions. And as with Jazzaman I will take them under consideration. But for now, I plan to move FORWARD and not BACK! Changes will happen once the story has reached its conclusion. If I spent my whole time going back and fixing everything that the fans deem odd or off, I'd get no where with the story.
Things seem a bit... stilted. Also the characters seem less than in character. From any point of view, even as an amalgam of the MLP/Yamato characters.
Maybe it's just me though. I still like the idea.
3445522 Well considering what is going on in the story, can you expect anything but changes to their personalities?
that last pic could work as cover art.
And about adding pictures: if you can, try and make them part of the actual story. "Look at this," luna said, waving twilight over to a long parchment, its details displaying the intricate workings of the engine room. (describe what it looks like, then picture) putting A/N in the middle of a chapter can be quite an off put for a lot of readers.
3446206 Oh you referring to the image of the Element and Engine Chamber? Yeah, I put that in there for those readers that didn't really know the layout of the Yamato's interior as I do have readers that have NEVER seen the show. But I totally understand where you are coming from. Just trying to figure out how to work in pictures is new for me so I intend to improve in the future.
3445739
It just doesn't ... feel quite right. Sorry I'm not able to be clearer. Still I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
I'm liking the story so far. Oh and have 2 of these
for adding Orion into your story.
3453073 Oh Orion isn't the only one that I plan on making an appearance in this tale.
i have to say i disagree with the use of Japanese names for the ponies. Feels very outta place and a little forced.
3539969 Yeah i'm gonna agree with him it kinda felt weird, but good chapter thought cant wait for more. Oh and have four of these
one for each original crew member of the Yamato.
3453073as in Orion from rainbow factory?
Orion from the Americanized version of Space Battleship Yamato.
this is based off 2199 so most of the 6 are going to die one is going to sacrifice and the other save the planet I CAN TEEELLLLLLLL
3604910umam I've only seen japs amar is lame AND IM AN AMERICAN!!
3604985 None of the main cast died in 2199 lol I'm just expanding the universe of both MLP and Yamato. More stories than a 26 episode series. And the Americanized version of Yamato was called Star Blazers.
3605168lol I ment the 2199 movie I love the original sb and 2199 sow but I ment the movie LOL
3606322 Can't wait for the 2199 movie later this year! I wish that the SBY:TNG (my name for it) series hadn't been canceled. It had promise.
4541891 yeppers!
4546814 To what part?
4546823 i cant wait
4546857 OK.
Is...this related to "My Little Yamato"? The lower caps version, I mean, seeing as they were both posted in the group back to back...
Also, messEnger, not messAnger. For your chapter Title.
2689176
Being a fan of the series myself, I commend you on doing your best to follow the series as closely as possible thus far.