Adam Braun a quiet, sarcastic, gentlemanly cellist. His Roomate Rachael Banks a loud, alcoholic, DJ.
As they both celebrate their 25th birthday, they embark on an adventure that makes them question themselves and there place in the world around them. Which begs the question, how long before Adam loses it? Place yer bets.
Chapter 4 and all future chapters edited by the talented AeroDynamics (previously known as PegasusAI)
Check out his new story A Bolt for Freedom
Side story to Five Score, Divided by Four by TwistedSpectrum
Comments and criticism are encouraged
Criticism is especially encourages if you dislike the story, so that I can improve as a writer.
Chapters (12)
I'm interested to know if the Octavia/Vinyl pairing will follow a more romantic line or if the platonic relationship will remain. Already looks good so far, so I'm looking forward to future updates.
2540121 Thank you, I hope I my writing will improve as the story progresses, and hopefully I will be able write chapters longer than 1,000 words.
2540138 I make a point of visualizing the scenes before I write them, similar to watching the chapters like episodes in their roughest forms. As it stands, you already have a good level of detail, it's just a matter of the volume of content if you want longer chapters.
Intresting...
One little problem, one that turns a lot of readers off (Not me, particularly, but a lot.)
Multiple characters should never speak within the same paragraph. It's one of those little grammatical english rule things that are designed for the reader's sake. It make's it easier to understand who said what and in what order.
instead of: "hi" bob said. "Hi to you too," Bill said. They both did (blah blah)
It should be:
"Hi" Bob said
"Hi to you too." Bill said.
Just for the readers sake, it also gives you more opportunity for filler-sentences to pad the word count if you have a particularly low one.
2540528 I didn't know that. Looks like I have some editing to do.
I cant beleive I forgot to like this when I favorited, put a check on email updates, and added this to read later!
How stupid of me.
2548061 Don't we all have those moments?
ERROR: Species does not correlate with previous experiences
CORRECTIVE ACTION?: y/n
ENTRY: Y
ACCEPTED: Reboot sequence initiated.
Ah, coping mechanisms. Saving the human race from panic attacks since the beginning of time...
2548436
.... Aye, I can raise a mug to that!
2548061
You... commented on another story?
I thought we had something special!
2548436 Amen to that.
Seems a little urgent to jump on the whole 'I guess we are going to be ponies then' and a little bit too accepting of it, not what I would expect from Octavia.
Also the whole farm thing kind of feels like a knock off from the original.
2548527 Sorry, wasn't trying to replicate the original, though you are right I'm drifting a little too close to the original now that I'm looking at it from a reader's perspective. I just wanted to add that fiddle playing Octavia lookalike somewhere. Don't worry, they won't be on the farm for long. I have plans for them.
As for the underreaction, I didn't want Adam/ Octavia to go too crazy too fast. I assure that he's starting to crack.
Also, Thank you very much for the advice.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that his brother is Braeburn.
I know that this is terribly wrong in the family trees, but that is not stopping me.
2548527
Well so does every way of hiding
Besides if I were in the same situation Id decide to accept whats going on pretty fast.
Adam's brother is Fiddlesticks.
Ditto on frozen. This chapter has too much stuff going on in too little time. How do they know their turning into ponies? Do they already call each other vinyl and tavi, because their doing an awful lot of it. Just make sure to slow it down a little, good story otherwise.
Yeah sorry. Good story, but very, very...VERY rushed
2564859 Good to know readers are willing to let me know where my problem areas are.
2566402
any time. are you in need of an editor? or are you doing this solo?
2566745 I've been doing this by myself, it hasn't been easy. I've been make changes based on feedback from readers because I lack an editor. Celestia knows I need one.
2566778
I'd be glad to help out
2567784Thank You. I'll appreciate the help.
I'll send you a Private Massage with a draft of the next chapter in a day or two.
2567835
any time
Why do I have the feeling Fiddlesticks will make an appearance?
I'm sorry but I can't resist this: *Ahem* THE TREBLE HAS BEEN DOUBLED!
2578277 Good one!
2578432 Now all you need is a joke about 'Dropping the Bass' and you'll have comedy gold.
2578496 All in good time my friend. All in good time.
2578508 Oh wait, too late!
Woohoo! Fiddlesticks!
It is the first time I see fiddlestick in a mlp fanfic
I like it I'll follow you this great also vinyl is my favorite pony so yaaaaaay.
2578277 at least its better than two vinyls I love the cello it's great instrument.
2585954 That's why Vinyl can't fish; She keeps dropping the Bass.
2587563 lol, I love fishing did't like fish at first but now I almost always ask for fish tacos
I enjoy this story and hope your not finished yet.
2597551 Certainly not. There's more coming.
lol loving this story!
I like it, but it just feels a bit 'cookie cutter' and heavily based on the plotline of what happened in 5s/4.
Didn't see that one coming, mother nature can be a b*tch sometimes
The reason they are calling each other that is because there are mental changes and they are just not paying attention to what their saying
Hmmm, Vinyl's here, I see no reason why Octavia shouldn't either.
Avatar Pic related
Anyways, hope this story turns out as well as I hope it will.
After Reading:
Defiantly exceeded expectations. Though it has that sort of, "Copy-Paste, Find-Replace" feel where it's a replica of the original but slightly different.
I'll admit, it has some differences. Such as 'Alex' being at home instead of in Chicago or wherever, and the house catching fire too.
Sorry if the above is a spoiler. Don't know how to use that line thing yet.
2609118
I agree.
Though the best form of flattery is mimicry right?
2669625
I suppose you are correct on that, and also to do this,
use the tag: [ spoiler ] text here [ /spoiler ] (Without the spaces between brackets and words, of course.)
2669437 Hi agian we keep poping up near eachother! DA FAQ is going on?!