• Member Since 18th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen Sep 12th, 2021

La Barata


T
Hex

He was a hero to some, a villain to others... and wherever he roamed, ponies spoke his name in whispers. He had no friends, this Hex, but he did have two companions: one was death itself... the other, the acrid smell of ozone...

A Jonah Hex crossover, in the sense that the character is, and always has been, a pony.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 35 )

Saw the movie, and I liked it.
I'll read this later.
Let's see how this'll turn out! :pinkiehappy:

1460596 It's based off the comics, not the movie, but it should still be good, hopefully

1460603 If it's a brilliant idea in your head, other heads will like it too. :pinkiesmile:
Feel free to use that as a BronyCup quote. :trollestia:

This amuses me. :moustache: Do continue.

I am a huge fan of the comics and character I was planning to make a crossover with him but you beat me to the punch
I have high hopes for this
-R

1465686 That's what this is based on, the comics and not the movie.

I hope you enjoy!

I hope to see more of this soon. :pinkiehappy:

1562333 My Google Docs is open in the other window, and I'm 3/4 done the newest chapter. It SHOULD be up today

Other than the beginning being slightly confusing, the story is awesome! :moustache:

Thank god u updated I was worried that this was one Thoses stories that never update like what I'm seeing, Pretty good on hexs entrance, also might want to consider some minor shipping since appaloosa has no whores, and see if you can add a part where hex shows of his alcohalism to deal with his past

1565156 What's confusing about it? I'll see what I can do to clear it up (If it's not supposed to be deliberately confusing and clarified later)

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” Oh sh#t! This gonna be good!

1566041 Just one of those "GOD FUCKING *DAMNIT*, PINKIE!" moments :rainbowlaugh:

This is very good.

Although, for me it does have small flaws.

Int he prologue you refer to the thieves as colts, That being the definition of a boy foal it get's kinda 'off' when he kills them, and how they robbed a bank etcetc, all grown up things when you refer to them as small boys.

This habit goes through to the 2nd chapter as well, not everywhere but here and there. I'm pretty sure Braeburn is a stallion regarding his age, and not a colt. :twilightsmile:

Other than that, let's see, the descriptions and flow is very good. You use the characters fully to their potential, although you forget to add some of them in the little play. I forgot about Fluttershy and such until you mentioned seven mares. But as for Pinkie and AJ, you nailed them.

There's a lot of dialogue here, that's no problem. but for me it became confusing sometimes when you split up the actions and dialogue.

Approaching with an almost uncharacteristic gentleness, he gave her a warm smile. “Hey there, darlin’. Ah’m Braeburn. It’s a pleasure ta meet you. Applejack told me in her letter that y’all are movin’ out here?” Nodding quietly, Misty coughed slightly.

“Thank you.... And yes, yes I am. Moving, I mean. Out here. I-” Misty sighed, bringing a hoof to her forehead in irritation with herself. “I’m sorry.... I’m a little ‘off’ today, I’m just... Dealing with a lot, right now...” Braeburn chuckled, shaking his head a little.

As seen here, I believe it would read better like this:

Approaching with an almost uncharacteristic gentleness, he gave her a warm smile. “Hey there, darlin’. Ah’m Braeburn. It’s a pleasure ta meet you. Applejack told me in her letter that y’all are movin’ out here?”

Nodding quietly, Misty coughed slightly. “Thank you.... And yes, yes I am. Moving, I mean. Out here. I-” Misty sighed, bringing a hoof to her forehead in irritation with herself. “I’m sorry.... I’m a little ‘off’ today, I’m just... Dealing with a lot, right now...” Braeburn chuckled, shaking his head a little.

Other than that you have some grammar mistakes flying around, but nothing that could ruin this fic.

And you seemingly mastered the southern accent, I struggle a lot with that one myself, but here's an good example of how to do it.

You build up the plot very well, and does have me craving for more.

Well that concludes my first review as a mod of: The Feature Box Crusaders (hereby referred to as: TFBC)

Cheers!

Tofazz

1567593 Hey, thanks a lot. I really appreciate the feedback. For the whole colt/stallion part, I was more encompassing teenager into the definition of colt, more of a 'he's a dumb kid who decided he can take on a lot more than he can' sort of thing. I find that I tend to wait until they start speaking to actually switch to a new paragraph, but I'll work on that.

Heh, now this is an interesting story...

My Little Pony Crossovers and I have a love hate relationship. Sometimes I love them, sometimes I hate them. This, though, is one of those that I'm liking. It's solid and I like the dialogue. I'll admit, it's rough around the edges in some place, but I'm not gonna nitpick.

You get a thumbs up and a watch from this guy here, can't wait to see where you're gonna go with this.

1573522 Heh, nitpicking is exactly what I'd prefer. I just got a rejection from EqD that essentially said 'this is shit to the point where it's not worth passing on to the prereaders', so I'd appreciate people showing me where I went wrong.

1575378
Okay, so then. I'll tell you where you went wrong:

You tried to submit it to Equestria Daily. Those guys are well... Way too harsh on stories. I spent a week going through a story I was writing for fun and submitted it to EqD and they turned me away, simply because they didn't like the material and for a few spelling and grammar errors. They said that if I went back, fixed some things and gave it back, they'd have another look. I did that and they then asked for another chapter before anything and I just thought "Okay, enough jumping through hoops..." and gave up.

Don't get me wrong, getting your stuff on EqD is a reward, but a challenge in and of itself. And if the prereaders don't like your work, for whatever reason, they'll reject it, so you have that going against you too.

If you really want to get on EqD, more power to you mate. I wish you the best of luck, but I felt like I was banging my head against a wall with them, so I wouldn't recommend it. And if you really, really want a nitpick of this story, I can give you one if you like.

1577910 I've done a nice big edit since I first posted this, but I'd still like to make it better. If you'd be willing to give me a massive nitpick, I'd love it, but not if you'd be going out of your way at all.

Yesterday I claimed your story for reviewing in The Training Grounds, and posted a review. I didn't spare any blunt comments because I think you deserve my honest opinion. At any rate, I hope it will be helpful for choosing how to edit and improve the story!

1594785 Fantastic, that's exactly what I wanted. Thanks a lot, I'll read it now.

1594785 I've read it through, and I'm going to do a bit of a rewrite, and take in as much of your suggestions as I can.

This is exactly the sort of critique I was looking for.

As for Pinkie, I'll change her around a bit. As for the 'sand' game, the joke was supposed to be that Dash had sarcastically suggested it, in the manner of the Fluttertree, but I realize now it doesn't come across as well as I'd like. I'm not sure I understand your concern in regards to Rarity's excuse, could you be a little clearer for me?

As for how much fluff there is, I was actually trying to go for a sort of stylized writing style, trying to emulate the style of the source material. Seeing as how I've apparently fucked that right up, I'll see what I can do to trim it down.

Thanks, I really appreciate your time.

1595023
Thanks for acknowledging it!

What I mean by Rarity's "excuse" is that I see the following happening:
1. Pinkie Pie is about to break into singing loudly
2. Not everyone wants that.
3. Rarity conjures the "don't injure your voice" reason for her not to sing, and makes it sound like a legitimate concern
4. Pinkie Pie reacts as if she were on the edge of a precipice, and Rarity had just pointed that out to her;

Horrorstruck, Pinkie promptly clamped both hooves over her muzzle, like a foal refusing to eat her vegetables, and dove beneath her covers.

That just sounds absolutely ridiculous.

Now, a positive comment for a change: I'll say that you've got a nice set-up for the next chapter. I don't think this effect will be diminished if you toned down on Pinkie's daftness. Just keep her true to the Pinkie we all know and love, and that alone is enough to make the encounter with Hex good for the story.

1602710 Looking at it that way, I was more thinking of the fact that it was something Pinkie hadn't even considered. At any rate, though, I'm going to rewrite her character in it.

Again, thanks a ton for your help.

3892165 I know...:fluttershyouch:

I've had a lot of shit to do this last while.

However, I AM partway through the next chapter!

3892169 im looking forward to it then AVANTAI or however u spell it i can do better than that umm AHA I GOT IT ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

I found this story on fanfiction.net, and I enjoyed both chapters. I hope you continue this story someday :moustache:

3979388 The next chapter's 3/4 of the way done!

Holy hell, i have to say I'm happy to see that this story still is going to ride on, can't wait till more.

4847044 Yeah, shit's just kept coming up, and I kept getting sidetracked.

Good thing Pinkie didn't trouble Hex. There would be trouble :pinkiecrazy:

Also, this chapter reminded me on how extreme and annoying gossip can be. Fabricated stories are a bore sometimes :trixieshiftleft:

Holy fuck I thought this fic died but I'm very glad it isn't.

Login or register to comment