• Member Since 4th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 5th, 2015

F-ShyAustin


Christian + Brony = Christian Brony! I'm going to be majoring in engineering and I'll be enrolled in online seminary, too! I'm really excited for life in general. I love Fluttershy.

T

After fulfilling her destiny, Twilight Sparkle is faced with a feeling of incompletion; a feeling that what just happened... isn't all there is. Now, she and her friends must face their respective pasts, and fulfill the destiny that truly awaits them.

Rating: Teen for struggles that adults often face. Nothing bad, just some caution. This may be a bit confusing to young viewers.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 39 )

And the human tag?

2518051

I had to tag all characters that I'm going to use. I don't think I can tag chapter by chapter. The human's don't show up yet, but I don't want to give too much away. You'll notice that Big Mac is on the character list, even though he has been mentioned, though hasn't actually entered the scene yet.

2518051

I believe the author has it here because of the obvious parallels (at least obvious to me) to Christianity.

That said (and I'm directing this at you, author-person), I don't think the 'Human' tag really belongs here. Unless you plan to have humans directly involved in the story, as in the real deal, humans from Earth, the tag doesn't fit.

2518116

I don;t want to give too much away, but Christ shows up later in the book. In My head. In the book in my head. :derpytongue2: I'm still working on how to play it out.

2518137

Alright, makes sense. It just didn't seem apparent at the start.

This looks cool. Everyone seems pretty in-character. I like the idea that Twilight feels unfulfilled after becoming a princess. Sometimes it gets a bit dialogue-heavy and I'd like to see a bit more of what Twilight is thinking during those scenes. (Especially her reaction to Granny Smith's story and Applejack's outburst.) I'm interested to see where this goes.:twilightsmile:

2519174

Thank you :) I will certainly keep that in mind as I write this. When the characters are by themselves, especially, I'll try to add some "thought-dialogue".

Chapter 2 will be up soon! Expect it by Weenesday!

Chapter II is up!

Cool chapter.:twilightsmile: I'm not sure if Applejack's turnaround was entirely justified by her dream. I mean, the issues she had with her dead parents are still there, right? I would like to see that addressed a bit more (though the story seems to be more about Twilight than AJ), since she basically said last chapter that that was the main reason she couldn't accept her grandmother's faith.

Looking forward to how you portray Celestia (who is one of my absolute favorite characters).:rainbowdetermined2:

2579812

Apple Jack still has many unanswered questions, and Silver Light acknowledges this. The reason she turned around so quickly is because she finally realized that Silver Light was indeed real, like Grannie Smith had told her, and that he was capable of the kind of power that NOPONY should be capable of. Her questions will be answered in time, so this chapter isn't an end to end all.

I am having a bi of trouble coming up with a solution to the incorporation of the princesses into the story. It should come in time though.

Thanks for the insight!

Chapter III is up! I took off the human tag since I had a change in plans for character development. Sorry to disappoint (if applicable) :scootangel:

Nice chapter. You are good at crafting imaginative supernatural sequences, whether it's Applejack's dream in the previous chapter, or Twilight's out-of-body experience in this one.

[One thing: "With nothing to do, time to burn, and book in hand..."]

Looking forward to the next chapter.:twilightsmile:

2714789

Phrasing should have been altered... Sorry :twilightsheepish:

Chapter 5 might be a little while longer, since I'm working on inserting some subtle but intricate referencing into it. Thanks for the feedback, though! :duck:

Loving this story, Bro. Keep up the good work. :rainbowdetermined2:

Story just keeps getting better. I'm really looking forward to the conversation she has with Celestia after this. :twilightsmile:

2757373

Thanks! Fimfiction seems to have deleted chapter 4. so I'll re-upload that. And I'm almost done with chapter 5, so it'll be up in about a week at most. But yeah, it's definitely a work in progress, but after final edits, I plan to submit it to EqD.

2757470 Nice! Hope you can get chapter 4 back up so I can keep going! What the difference between this and Equestria Daily? I don't really know much about it. :rainbowderp:

JC

I'm intrigued, but I'm also nervous about how that "Tragedy" tag is going to come into play. :applejackunsure:

Thanks so much for doing this story! It's always great to be reminded that there are Christian bronies out there, and even ones willing to write this kind of stuff. Also, I like the angle you took with Twilight feeling incomplete after her coronation. Almost anyone would call it the culmination and crowning achievement of her life, and yet...something still feels missing. It's precisely that kind of perceived triumph and subsequent realization that so often leads people to Christ in real life, and it works just as well in a fantastic setting like Equestria.

Can't wait to see what Twilight thinks of the Bible and how her meeting with Celestia goes.

2763171

Oh my. I must have forgotten to take the tragedy tag off. I went through some major plot revamps, and I took the human and adventure tags off. I must have missed that one. :derpyderp2:

Thanks for the feedback. I'm actually camping with the fam right now, so I haven't gotten the chance to re-upload chapter 4. Fimfiction seems to have deleted it. Also, chapter 5 is nearly finished, so be looking for that in the next few days! Thanks again,

F-ShyAustin

P.S. All the answers you seek will be in chapter 4, or subsequent chapters. There will also be a few... Surprises... *maniacal laughter ensues* Muahahahaha!!!

2757503

Fimfiction.net is a site specifically geared towards the creative bronies who are authors; the fanfiction. EqD on the other hand is a site that is dedicated to just general news within the brony fandom, such as which voice actors for the show are coming to different conventions, semi-famous PMV's within the fandom, fanart, brony music ( i think Aviators, Mike the Microphone, and AcousticBrony got started on EqD), pony plushie announcements, and of course, fanfiction. It's just basically a place to (hopefully) get a semi-public face.

Oh, and www.equestriadaily.com is the website if you wanna check it out.

2763339 Thanks man! I think when I finish my story I'll post it there too. You've been very helpful. :twilightsmile:

2763442

No problem, man.

I will warn you though, there is a submission process involved. The submission process is different for fanfiction than it is for all the other stuff. You have a maximum of three tries to get it featured, and the ore-readers can be a bit picky from what I've heard. That's why I want to make sure I had my story so pristinely edited before I sent it in, so that I didn't waste one of my three tries by having them tell me "work on the editing". Also, the admins are likely not Christian, so for my story in particular, and maybe yours as well, the admins may have a predisposited bias against either of them, just because of their inclusion of Chrostian elements. Perhaps not, but maybe.

I'd suggest working on the paitience to edit the story yourself or get an editor, just in case. And you're welcome. :pinkiesmile:

2764065 Thank you again. I'll keep that in mind. :rainbowdetermined2:

2763171
2714789
2757503

Chapter 4 is back up. Finally got around to it! I'm finally at the 10,000 word mark! Yay! :yay:

Hey, that was pretty clever. I never would have thought of alicorns as representing the trinity. Glad to see Celestia was in-character. (The only other time I looked into a Christian story featuring her, she was portrayed as the anti-Christ as I recall...) And Twilight continues to be solid.:twilightsmile:

2770024

I was actually really worried about her being out of character, since the dialogue always seems to sound different to the author than it does to the reader. It's nice to see that it worked though!

Oh, hey, and thanks for being loyal to my story. You've been there since chapter one, and it really means a lot. :twilightsmile:

2770092 That was a great chapter! I was curious how you were going to handle Celestia, but you did an amazing job!:rainbowdetermined2:

Okay, here's my critque: (it's longer than yours, but stay with me.)

Well, overall, the story most reminded me of the Chronicles of Narnia. :derpyderp2:

I don't mean to sound weird, butr getting rid of that part were you describe a human hanging on a cross should be eliminated , unless you put on the human tag, and explain why Silver Light has two forms.

Explain who Alicorns REALLY are. Maybe they are angels.

Maybe don't use the earth term "angels" you might want to use a foreign word like "Mal'lak" which is the Hebrew word for angel.

Explain why Silver Light and God only reveal themselves to certain people. (IE: Why does it take a vision and an appearance of God to know that he exists and to get his holy word.)

I think that Discord should have a bigger role in this. Maybe he IS apollyon, only he is pretending to behave himself for the time being. And isn't he supoosed to be at Canterlot as it is? Maybe Twilight meets Discord at the castle?

I think you may want to include the Equestria Girls canon in this, since it deals with the alternate human world. (Note: EG takes place after season 3.)

If you don't know already, Princess Cadence was originally a Pegasi, according to the spin-off novel: "Twilight Sparkle and the Crystal Heart spell."

Maybe yu should make a distinction that all good magic comes from God, and all bad fom apollyon.

2856490

Wow. Thanks for being honest. That's what I've been trying to get people to do, but nopony wants to offend anypony else.

Anyway...

Well, overall, the story most reminded me of the Chronicles of Narnia.

You see into the plot too well. There's actually an obscure TCoN reference coming in Chapter 5 which I'm almost done with.

I don't mean to sound weird, butr getting rid of that part were you describe a human hanging on a cross should be eliminated , unless you put on the human tag, and explain why Silver Light has two forms.

The lazy way would be to just add the human tag, which I think I won't do. I'm going to do some editing in about 2 weeks after I get all my college classes registered for and such.

Explain who Alicorns REALLY are. Maybe they are angels.
Maybe don't use the earth term "angels" you might want to use a foreign word like "Mal'lak" which is the Hebrew word for angel.

I need to be a little more clear about who Alicorns actually are, but they really are just ponies with gifts from God (or another foreign-sounding word for God). If Alicorns truly were angels, then Shining Armour would have married an angel, which is biblically inaccurate.

Explain why Silver Light and God only reveal themselves to certain people. (IE: Why does it take a vision and an appearance of God to know that he exists and to get his holy word.)

Surprise, surprise! Fluttershy (is best pony) is next and she doesn't get a vision. The visions have been geared toward those of the Mane 6 who have been the most convinced that God didn't exist. I'm still working on a few details, but not all ponies need a vision to knock sense back I to them.

I think that Discord should have a bigger role in this. Maybe he IS apollyon, only he is pretending to behave himself for the time being. And isn't he supoosed to be at Canterlot as it is? Maybe Twilight meets Discord at the castle?

Apollyon actually isn't Discord. I probably need to be a little more clear about this too, but I think of Discord as a mischievious being, not a downright evil one, and still very capable of human (or pony?) emotions, as clearly demonstrated in Keep Calm and Flutter On.

I think you may want to include the Equestria Girls canon in this, since it deals with the alternate human world. (Note: EG takes place after season 3.)

I've seen it, and I started writing this long before I even heard it was coming out. I'll probably include that in my editing to-do list.

If you don't know already, Princess Cadence was originally a Pegasi, according to the spin-off novel: "Twilight Sparkle and the Crystal Heart spell."

I haven't read that, but ive heard of it. When I introduce Cadence, I'll explain that. Somehow.

Maybe yu should make a distinction that all good magic comes from God, and all bad fom apollyon.

Once again, I haven't been very clear about that. I made a mention of that in either chapter 3 or 4, but it was a bit obscure.




Overall, thank you for your critique. I will certainly be making some changes, and I will look at revamping some of the dialogue to make it more clear.

Thanks, F-ShyAustin

2857153 Oh, and another thing, you might want an in-depth explaination of who the chosen of him are.

Since Tara Strong is Jewish, it might make an intresting plot point (no pun) for Twilight to discover her Pony ethnicity as being that as the chosen of him. (Sort of like how Final Fantasy VII's Aerith discovers that she is half Cetra, or how The Wheel of Time's Rand Al'thor discovers he is half Aiel. And I'm sorry if you are into either series, and I spoiled major plot points for you.)

Of course, that would be basically saying that Unicorns would be the chosen ponies, which MIGHT explain their haughtyness.

But then again, if you were to have a famous brony who is Jewish OC in the story, you would have to make them all unicorns. But the only famous Jewish brony I can name is The Living Tombstone. (But be careful on using Real people's OCs, because, say you used his OC and his OC became this fan fic's equivelant of saved, he might become angry with you for whatever reason.)

And, actually, about a couple chapters into my story Anthology, I noticed that I was coping off the beginning of "Prince Caspian" without knowing. Celestia is Caspian, Solaris is Miraz, Artemis is Prunaprismia, (but neither are evil and want to see Celestia dead) Luna is Caspian's cousin, and either Goethe or StarSwirl are Doctor Cornelius.

In fact, do you happen to know why I named the Red maned and white furred Alicorn OC with the ink and quill cutie mark "Goethe?"

2859258

I'd still like to keep a degree of originality, so I won't be using other people's OC's. The only OC's I have used as of yet are Silver Light (who wasn't actually my creation, I got permissions from Saint to use Him), and The Master, who doesn't even have a manifestation yet.

Why did you name her Geothe? I thought it was creative, but I don't know why, or what the backstory is.

Nice chapter.:twilightsmile: The scene with AJ and Big Mac was very sweet.

I didn't get any of the references, I'm afraid.:twilightsheepish:

(I think I had two months between updates once.:scootangel:)

The end
Is where we begin
Where broken hearts mend
And start to beat again

Btw, we have SO got to talk.

2976674

Good job! Wasn't sure if anypony would get that! Now for the second. It's quite likely that I'm the only one that gets the second one, but hey, it's all good! :)

I think it's kinda funny that you named the manifestation of Satan Deceiver. I had an idea some time ago (it was much more allegory than your story) where the main incarnation of evil was also named Deceiver.

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