In Good Company

by PseudoFiction

The Inspection

The Inspection

There was a determination in her stride. A determination not shared by the captain of her guard. In honesty, while he would normally leap into danger for her, today he couldn’t help but balk. After all; what she was suggesting was madness. Insanity even. To even think of it was ludicrous.

Yet Princess Celestia was undeterred, crossing the Royal Guard barracks with a quick step, Captain Shining Armour shambling like a clumsy newborn deer by her side. It was a sight unbecoming of the good captain.

“Please, princess!” Shining Armour pleaded, stumbling on his three legs while trying to fix his helmet with the fourth – so flustered he completely forgot he was a unicorn. “You don’t have to do this!”

“I must, captain.” Princess Celestia announced in a strong voice. “It is my duty.”

“But Princess!” Shining Armour nearly whined. “It’s a suicide mission!”

Celestia stopped in her tracks, and the captain nearly crashed face first into the burning sun stamped on her flank. Her determined gaze melted like Everfree snow in the spring sun. And soon the expression was replaced with a warm smile. Turning on the spot, the brilliant white alicorn slowly shook her head looking down at the captain.

“Come now, captain.” She said as if patiently talking down a student throwing a tantrum. “It’s only an inspection. Every other regiment and respective company has undergone the same visual inspection. I would not be able to sleep thinking I’ve missed something.”

“But your highness, it… it’s just… it’s a shields regiment! They’re not that important at the moment. There’s no need to really inspect them. Besides, Stonewall Company’s record has been, eh… exemplary so far…?” even as he said it, there was a light inflexion in his voice, as if to say ‘exemplary’ wasn’t quite the right word to describe Stonewall Company.

“Captain Shining Armour, I have neglected my duty to inspect all the troops sworn to the protection of my nation for too long. It is time we did this properly. By the book.” She added with emphasis.

On the inside, Shining Armour couldn’t help but think: Oh, Buckshot is gonna love this.

And he wasn’t wrong. Heck, he couldn’t even try to be sarcastic about something like this. Royal inspections – even normal inspections – were a regulatory kind of thing. Staff Sergeant Buckshot loved regulation.

Hence, he loved inspections.

And it showed on his face as the princess and her captain of the guard approached the billets assigned to Stonewall Company of the Earth-Pony Shields Regiment. Waiting for them was Staff Sergeant Buckshot. His charcoal armour was polished to a radiant shine. His eye-patch was on straight and he had a fresh cigar pinned behind his ear – that dirty chewed up old thing he usually had lodged in his mouth was nowhere to be seen.

As Celestia and Shining Armour approached, Buckshot stomped his hooves to attention, stiffened his upper lip and pushed out his chest. But there was no hiding that happy gleam in his eyes.

“Staff Sergeant Buckshot, reporting for duty!” the earth-pony barked loudly in an official tone.

“Good afternoon, staff sergeant.” Shining Armour sighed in a defeated tone. Conjuring up a clipboard and quill, the unicorn held the writing materials in such a nervous telekinetic grip he nearly broke them in two. “Is the company prepared for an inspection?”

“Oh, heck no!” Buckshot laughed. “No, I didn’t tell ‘em a thing. Kept this inspection a surprise, so they couldn’t prepare!”

Celestia grinned, seemingly liking the idea of surprising the company with a spot-inspection.

Shining Armour on the other hoof – knowing more about Stonewall Company than the princess did – turned white… well, whiter than he normally was. "Why in Equestria would you do that?”

“Keeps ‘em on their toes.” Buckshot said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Let’s see what the fillies ‘n gentlecolts are up to, shall we?”

Twisting around, Buckshot cocked one of his rear legs with a sound very much akin to the cocking of a crossbow. And with a single definitive bang, he lashed out; his iron-clad hoof bucking the billets door open with a solid blow.

The heavy wooden door slammed open, and all three of them caught a face full of the Stonewall Company billets. The first thing that hit Princess Celestia was the noise. It was a repetitive dull thrum muffled by the door at first. But without a barrier in the way, it screeched in her ears. The crackling gramophone was letting out a series of unintelligible samples on loop, mixed with an incoherent wailing and some kind of a distorted wub-wub-wub sound.

Next was the smell. The strong odour of hoof-polish, metal and the sickly odour of over a dozen sweaty bodies packed together in an unventilated space. It was nearly dizzying.

And finally, worst of all – for Captain Shining Armour anyway – there was the sight.

The billets for Stonewall Company was a single long chamber of bare stone. Hanging in a row on the ceiling were three chandeliers giving off a magical glow. Lined on either side of the chamber were the double stacked bunk-beds and each of the guardsponies’ hoof-lockers. Some of them were shut and locked tight. Many more were open. one was even tipped on its side with the contents strewn out over the floor as one frazzled looking earth-pony desperately sifted through his things in search of something.

Drinking in the sight, unknowingly ignoring the stunned expressions on Celestia and Shining Armour’s faces; Buckshot stepped inside and took a deep breath. “Aaaah, I love the smell of un-preparedness in the late afternoon!”

Even though the door had swung open with a distinct crash, the ponies on the inside barely reacted. As if they were perfectly used to the staff sergeant bucking the door open and waltzing in with the princess in tow. Either that or they just couldn’t hear anything over the noise filling the chamber.

Regardless, it seemed the trio had barged in on Stonewall Company mid-conversation.

The largest stallion in the room sat on his bunk, the frame bent and warped out of shape thanks to the sheer weight of all his muscle packed into a single pony-body. He was half stooped over his armour laying neatly disassembled on the bed around him. Next to him was a can of oil, in one hoof a polishing rag he used to polish his armour.

“Brute, would you please turn off that racket!?” the giant earth-pony cried over the noise emanating from the single gramophone in the room. As he lifted his head to give out he nearly put a dent in the bunk mounted above his.

Directly across the room from the giant, a smaller earth-pony half-clad in armour was reading what looked like a comic-book while laid back in his bunk. Looking up to his comrade, Private Brute Force merely scowled when the noise blaring from the horn beside his bed was called a ‘racket.’

“Racket!? This is my music!” Brute Force cried over the ‘music.’

“Music? By Celestia’s sweet flanks; it sounds more like a rabid diamond dog scraping his claws over a rock!” the larger earth-pony cried before adding: “And the diamond dog has more sense of tune! That there is an aural violation!”

“Oh, you’d know all about Celestia’s sweet flanks, wouldn’t ‘ya, Blocky?” called a female voice belonging to the mare sitting on the bunk above Brute Force’s.

“Steel Block!” the enormous stallion corrected Private Mercury with an impatient grunt. “It’s Steel Block!”

Picking up on his lack of denial about the princess’ royal butt, Mercury managed an evil smile. “So you do know all ‘bout her flanks!”

At the sight, smell and sound of it all, Captain Shining Armour cringed so hard he nearly bashed his face into the floor. “Well, hehe-heh… that’s just dreadful!”

“Don’t ‘ya just love it?” Buckshot replied with an oblivious smile. Stepping further into the billets, he very suddenly raised his voice to Royal Canterlot grade. “Quit ‘yer grinnin’ ‘n drop ‘yer linen! Inspection time!” the staff sergeant bellowed over the chatter, and most importantly; over Brute Force’s musical noise. “Princess on the deck!”

What followed was a mad scramble to get straightened out.

The scatter-brained private quickly kicked his stuff under his bed and scrambled to line up beside his fellows. Several washing lines were tugged down between the bunks and thrown hap-hazardly into hoof-lockers so the princess wouldn’t have to look at dirty wares worn under their armour. Brute Force’s comic was sent flying as he jumped on his gramophone and kicked it off.

With a distinct record-scratch the full on assault on the aural senses ceased, leaving a ringing in the ears.

The only one half-organised was Private Steel Block. The giant earth-pony merely put down what he was doing, neatly jumped to the side of his fellows and stomped to attention with his chin high.

It wasn’t the prettiest sight, and it took a few moments, but the entirety of Stonewall Company stood to attention in the billets for immediate inspection. Some were un-groomed. Others only half-clad in armour.

Raising his voice again, Buckshot demanded one more thing of them before the inspection began. “Company! Sound off!”

“Hoo-ah!” came the combined cry of Stonewall Company. Each regiment, sometimes each individual company or squad had their own kind of war-cry. This one belonged to Stonewall Company. And not even Celestia could deny that when Stonewall Company came together to bellow it out, it sounded quite terrifying.

“I would like you all to meet Princess Celestia!” the sergeant proceeded to explain. “She is here for an annual inspection of the Sol Guard regiments!”

Silence for a moment… before Private Mercury opened her mouth.

“Sir! What’s an inspection, sir!?” she asked.

With a chuckle Buckshot quickly marched over and stomped to a halt in front of her. “Oh, I forgot. The only thing you know is how to be a smart-flank, Private Mercury. Had I known the princess was coming down for a visit I’d have buried you alive so I wouldn’t have to put up with your crud! I’ll have to settle for torturing you now. DROP ‘N GIMME FIFTY!” he suddenly yelled full-on in her face.

Without hesitation Mercury dropped into push-ups. Her rear legs straightened out to stand on the tips of her hooves, she balanced most of her upper-body weigh on her forelegs. Quickly she started mentally counting every time she pushed herself up from almost letting her chest settle on the floor.

Satisfied Mercury was dealt with for the time-being, Buckshot made his way back to where Celestia and Shining Armour stood a little uneasily. “Sorry, your highness. Sometimes I gotta crack the whip with these degenerates.” He explained.

“Aww, that ain’t nice, sir!” Mercury jokingly commented between huffs for breath.

“Every time you move your mouth sounds come out.” Buckshot called back to her. “It’s annoying. Tend to it!”

As Mercury zipped her mouth – but she didn’t stop grinning – the staff sergeant led on his entourage for the rest of the inspection.

As he walked down the aisle, Princess Celestia visually inspected the troops while Captain Shining Armour ticked off a plethora of boxes on his clip-board as quickly as possible; willing this inspection to just end. While moving, Buckshot randomly started pointing out the ponies and their flaws.

“Polish those hooves.” – “Get a mane-cut. You look like a hippie!” – “Straighten that collar.” – “Groom those fetlocks.”

Eventually he stopped and rounded on a corporal with a great-big bushy moustache.

“Corporal Iron Gates!” Staff Sergeant Buckshot scolded in an eerie calm – but loud – voice. “Your lip hairs are in violations of growing beyond the corners of your mouth! You are unsightly, unsanitary and in violations of the grooming standards!”

“Sir, yes sir!” Iron Gates replied; because what the heck else was he supposed to say?

“Po-lice that moo-stache!” Buckshot hammered the point home with a soft prod to the corporal’s chest before turning and moving on.

Halfway down the billets, Buckshot stopped moving again. Turning to his side he came face to face with Private Brute Force who stood staring unblinking through the staff sergeant. Turning his head, Buckshot smirked at Shining Armour.

“You wanna good bed-time story to tell your foals, captain?” he asked.

With his eyes widening, the captain quickly shook his head. “Please, for the love of Equestria, not really.”

Ignoring him – or just not hearing him thanks to his over-excitement – Buckshot turned back to the private. “Private Brute Force! How did you come to be a shield-bearer in Stonewall Company?”

Brute Force gaped. “I... uhm... got lost on my way to college... sir?”

“Bad example!” Buckshot cried out before the private could say much more. Turning on the spot he spotted the giant earth-pony on the opposite end of the aisle. “Ah, Steel Block. Private, your story is similar. Let’s hear it. Where were you born?”

“Sir! I was not born!” the brawny pony rumbled, his voice like thunder – it could almost be mistaken for the voice of a God. And not the nouvelle civilised kind of God. The gruff old kind. The angry hammer wielding kind of God. “I was forged from the clay dug out of a bomb-crater, shaped by the calloused hooves of the Ancient Creators and tempered in the fires of Tartarus! My first toy was an iron-wing! My first candy was the mother’s milk suckled from the Sun Godess’ teat!”

Recognising the reference to her, Celestia felt her cheeks burn as she raised a hoof to her mouth with surprise. “Oh my.” In all her centuries she hadn’t quite heard anypony cry that one out loud with a straight face.

Captain Shining Armour visibly cringed, nearly willing himself to just spontaneously combust.

“At the age of five I was given my armour and made to run with it across the frozen north!” Steel Block continued unfazed. “At age twelve I killed my first dragon! When I applied for the Royal Guard there was only one place they could send me! The toughest company in existence!”

Everypony else in the company shouted at the top of their lungs: “Stonewall Company!”

“Hoo-ah!” Steel Block grunted when the ringing in his ears from the combined cry had faded.

Buckshot chuckled before turning to the princess and the captain looking quite proud. “Ha-ha! You like it? It’s kind of like a company backstory we’ve been working on. Keeps them pumped when nothing’s happening.”

Princess Celestia was unable to answer; staring at the mighty stalwart stallion private with a mixture of shock and intrigue.

“It’s...” Captain Shining Armour gaped, pausing to think about what to say. “Nice?” he relented with a small smile.

Buckshot cried out with glee. “Fan-freakin’-tastic! Hearing that from you, captain; that just makes my day!” – he turned his gaze to the princess – “Would your highness be needing to see more? We can show off some shield-drills if you like!”

At the prospect of mounting up the heavy iron-wings and shield-bashing dummies for the next couple of hours in the training yard – in the rain – several of the earth-ponies lined up let out subtle groans.

“No-no!” Celestia quickly blurted out with a toothy smile when she was dragged from her trance. “That’s quite alright, Staff Sergeant Buckshot. I think I have seen... plenty.”

She had in fact seen plenty. Stonewall Company was a rag-tag company of half-disciplined, smart-flanks and dummies. But even so, it was clear to the princess they were at the very least capable. Especially since it seemed their staff sergeant loved keeping them in line so much.

Buckshot laughed in a celebratory fashion, at the same time he plunged a hoof under his chest-plate to produce his old chewed up cigar stub. Completely ignoring the fresh one pinned behind his ear, he screwed the stub back into its usual home. “Very well, your highness. Let me tell you, it’s been a pleasure. I look forward to our next inspection – sooner hopefully than later!”

Broadening her fake smile, the lean alicorn gave a slow nod. “As do I, staff sergeant.”

With that she turned and led Captain Shining Armour out of the Stonewall Company billets; constantly muttering under her breath: ‘Run-run-run-run…’

Watching them leave with a giant proud smile plastered all over his face, Staff Sergeant Buckshot heaved his shoulders with a happy sigh and glanced from side to side. Seeing his guardsponies were still at attention he gave a nod.

“Stonewall Company...” – he paused for dramatic effect mainly to see if they would pre-empt his order and further make his day – “At ease!”

Normally speaking the guardsponies would just relax their stance in preparation for the ‘dismissed’ or ‘as-you-were’ order. But instead of simply relaxing their stance, the earth-ponies all collapsed on the spot. Panting for breath having counted to her forty-ninth push up, Mercury’s armour let out a thunderous clang as she flopped over. Rolling over, Brute Force pathetically kicking at his gramophone to try and get it working again.

Steel Block practically leapt back on his bunk to scrub a speck of dirt that landed on his armour like a pony with OCD.

At the sight of it, Buckshot nearly exploded – an understandable reaction.

Meanwhile; once out in the hall, the princess and the captain took a sharp turn and practically galloped in search for the stairs that would lead them back to the upper palace.

“Well, that was interesting.” Celestia admitted with a chuckle. “Perhaps I’ll listen to you next time you advise against an inspection.”

Shining Armour sighed with relief. “We can only hope, princess.”

Even halfway across the barracks – not daring to look back as they made their escape – they could still hear Staff Sergeant Buckshot happily ranting at his troops.

“Oi, I said ‘at ease’ you dummies! I didn’t say anything about collapsing! Up! Get up! Or I might just make you do shield-drills anyway...!”

Comments

[plasmacore]

When in doubt (or bored) set something on fire!

Perfectly reasonable advice, in my opinion.

[Ogrepony]

really like this story. even though the story revolves around the stonewall company during peacetime, i'd love to see an excerpt from an active campaign.

[monkeyXtypewriter]

2517876 agreed most definitely.