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Applejack is fed up with Rainbow, who is back from the Wonderbolts. She can't even place her hoof on it, but she's ticked. Rainbow won't help enough. She's alone in the orchard, and Celestia alone knows where Rainbow is. There's a whole list of reasons, really, and Applejack is just sick of counting them. And so she goes searching.
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Nice and fluffy.
I needed one of these. Good job on it.
~Skeeter The Lurker
This is kind of a difficult story for me; change enough of the details and keep the core of the story and it becomes far too familiar, which is the reason that the ending is less heartwarming to me than it might be to others (not a criticism at all, just a statement of fact). I do feel like AJ's attitude at the end sounds a bit condescending even if she is expressing her feelings out of love, but that's entirely a personal interpretation.
IMO you did a great job capturing and presenting those thoughts and emotions that can and often do make up important parts of a relationship – not necessarily always the good parts, but definitely important ones.
Should I mention that your writing quality and style is excellent? Of the stories of yours I've read so far, those things tend to be transparent for me, which is awesome.
so I managed to steal a little bit of internet at this hotel, and what do I do with it? Read Cyne's fic! I loved it. I like appledash a lot, it was one of my first ships. The feeling was great, though it felt like AJ was just pissed because a series of little annoyances began piling up, and then she kinda blew up on Rainbow. Not that that is unusual behavior for someone in a relationship who's a bit more... not uptight, but... less carefree. Anyway, great window into the most popular Dash ship!
Not bad. The story was a fairly common one, but it still feels a cut different from the rest, just how you handled it, I think.
There were a few points that could do with some shaping up language-wise. Some of your metaphors could do with a review and be tightened up a bit, and there is some opportunity for weaving in a few threads of metaphors.
Apart from that very vague advice, there were a few technical mistakes that I picked up on:
"It was the practical thing to do, and suddenly she wasn’t sure how much she really wanted to find the pegasus she had married like a fool. Probably out there sleeping, lazy fool."
The repetition of 'fool' just made that passage a bit awkward.
"Rainbow Dash’s wings looked like they were about to unfold, and they fidgeted on her wife’s back"
That just seems redundant. We know Dash is her wife, and Dash clearly possesses those wings (not just in the way of common sense, but also sentence structure). So it seems a little awkward to add in the extra descriptor. Also, if you didn't have common sense, saying Dash's wings fidgeted on her wife's back introduces some potential confusion.
“But that’s not what you’re mad about,” Rainbow started again. It wasn’t a question.
“Nope.” Applejack continued her ministrations.
“I give up. I tried, I really did. I just... I don’t understand. I’m not an egghead, and I’m not good about feelings. You know that.”
Is there meant to be a passage break here? I think so, but I found it a little unclear. May be worth adding in an extra line-break there. *shrug*
All-in-all, good stuff
...I swear, is there one person who follows you just to downvote all of your stories? Every time I read a new one of your stories, they're brilliant, but there just happens to be at least one downvote. What is this?!?!?
Seriously, though, really great story. I love your writing style.
I like it
Fine little snapshot of a moment between these two. If nobody else here's married, I can tell you - this happens. It's neither bad nor good, it just is. You wonder where he/she went, why they aren't here doing what you're doing, why things didn't end up like you thought they might. Little things can trigger whole conversations like this, and sometimes it's a reminder that different isn't bad, that sharing your partner's life is important - perhaps most important to them - even if you don't understand why, and that's okay.
too = to
I'm afraid that anyone you write will drown in philosophy, and I might never see them again. Applejack swam to shore by stupiding her way through every question of moral philosophy in the last half, and now I can breathe, but I think Big Macintosh died off camera. He is of tiny brain anyway.
Very nice, very emotional.
2499911 The condescension can be read there. It's a valid reading. I didn't really intend it at the time, but it's very valid to read there. I think, honestly, it's kind of one of those things where it comes through unintentionally, as part of a divide.
2500446
*Aggressively writes introspective genius Big Mac*
2499921 That's both valid and true. I think it's the annoyances being sort of fed by something deeper, but it's more or less true.
2500168 There is. I don't know why or who, but that is a thing. *shrug* It started happening once I hit about 350 followers.
2500439 Thankya. I'm glad you liked it, BrunnenG. You know, examining my writing, pony and non, of the last month made me realize that Marriage is a huge theme.
2500475 Glad you liked it!
I really did like this one. I think works really well, since it's moral seems to be that 'even when you're annoyed with the person you love and pick at them in your brain, when push comes to shove, you remember all the things that you love about them and can work with to make it work'.
It's more that this short story feels like something that happens in AJ and RD's life. If there is one thing that could be a little better it's that the end conversation is a little weird. Nothing I can explain too clearly, though.
But a good story none the less.
2501078 It is a little weird. RD is still basically clueless and it's not fulfilling in that you want them to actually talk about it and they kind of don't. Which I guess kind of happens sometimes.
Thankya!
2501086
Stories about a single emotion is usually hard to pull off. You have a voice, though, that did it quite nicely. I think you know by now that I don't exactly like this genre much, and marriage even worse, but still, in this case, the execution spoke more than the actual snapshot itself. But as slice of life does, the focus that people must give is not on the explanations themselves but rather the question of why there aren't any to begin with.
Perhaps they're just not necessary sometimes.
Still, as you work your way out of your little block, I can sort of tell the tiny little pressures it has. This could have done with a few bits of polish, I dare say, I know you mentioned to me that you felt like extending it, but honestly, I actually felt that the ending went on a bit too long with them in the room. I think that would be my only one thing that strikes out at me. The lead-up to the 'what is it all about' was a bit of a tease, surely, and more emotions caught at the end in a narrower span wouldn't have let the build up get to the point where people need to know.
But otherwise, as mentioned, it's the execution more than the simple, simple tale of a single one emotion that gets it there. Keep going, mate. Enjoy happy good time.
'Ave a twist.
Got a smile out of me.
So, uh, link to doc?
2501086
First off, glad you're feeling better!
Second, this is a little eerie- you keep writing about stuff that resonates so very closely with what I've experienced.
2500439
You're absolutely right, stuff like this DOES happen- and not just the misunderstanding, or the unexpected distance/absence.
I mean the conversations like this, where the talk is at cross-purposes and you tail off with no resolution.
And it's not right, wrong, nor finished, it just is. They're not satisfying, they can be worrying, but if nothing else they mean there's something to continue on with- a question to answer, issues to fix, meanings to grasp. Some you leave at this point, because you sense there's a drop somewhere a little further beyond, and you're not sure if it's one foot, a dozen, or a couple hundred more.
If it matters, if it's worth it, someday you get to them. I can see that, here, this isn't that day, but that's alright.
Very nice, Cyne. I just left again this morning, so this fits like a glove.
2499921
*grins* Interesting how we saw that a little differently. I'm not disagreeing, just had a little different... feel is the word, a different feel for the situation.
2501206 Twist. You would. Thankya, though
2501331 Thankya! I'm glad you liked it. I knew I'd see you on this one
2501309 apples and Apples :3
2501515
Cor, I'm that predictable, am I?
This is very thoughtful--nice to see Applejack pensive and not talking as much, for some reason. And the little dream memory was an interesting add-in.
Though, now I'm curious as to whether you'll elaborate on this. Love does its best, but I'm pretty sure RD is still confused and a little hurt at least. Outcome ahoy?
2505975 *Aggressively denies you closure because KitchenWitch*
That was beautiful one of your better stories IMO. I like how Applejack slowly settled in to her emotions and realized how she had to deal with cards she was dealt. I don't know why but I felt empty after reading not in a bad way just like more could be said between the two but maybe that's what you were going for anyways again another fantastic story
2509428 It's definitely more of a dissatisfaction sort of thing
Thank you! That's kind.
2509481 it's nothing really you are a great author and I love all of your stories (my favorite being Lilies of the Field I love your RariDash stuff it's great)
Well, well, well. Cynewulf writes AppleDash. You really are part of the cool kids now.
I really enjoyed this. It's a fluffy, but serious look into a relationship that isn't perfect, and the ending can be interpreted in many ways. I think I'll stuck with the happier one I've deciphered.
2509956 And that's perfectly valid.
I like things you can read in different ways.
I think they'll be alright.
This was interesting - I liked it. Its kinda sad, but also realistic. And this song came on while I was reading, and I think it suits really well. Or at least kinda well. Its a good song, anyway.
So yeah, thanks for a nice, thoughtful read.
2608051 You are very, very welcome.
I didn't know that was Pink! Huh. I think it fits, actually!
Funny--I had a song called "Love Does It's Best" once upon a time, for a project of mine. It was my girlfriend's favorite song on the project. She still loves it, years later.
That was so good. Yeah, that's love.
I thought you were mad.
yeah, I was mad. Now come snuggle.
Beautiful.