Luna has returned from her punishment, and her sister has welcomed her back with a smile and open heart….. But is there has been something brewing behind the elegant white Princess of Equestria. Something that she had been planning for far too long, and tonight is the night when she finally does it…
A.N.:
Special thanks to ScribbleStick for editing advice and Mickeymonster and GameCommentaries(Pinkamena666 here on FIM) on DeviantArt for the use of their artwork.
It’s not perfect, there may be a few minor mistakes, but the story is not the point... but the message is.
As Per Comet Burst's suggestion, This was an april Fool's joke that i have been waiting to post but could not free up my editors so i edited the majority myself Overall the idea is that of satire, and all the downvotes based only upon the title only prove my point.
I wrote this story as a message to what the fandom has become, babied.
We are becoming too sheltered to try things that are original, often just piggybacking off of other peoples successes for safety at the cost of creativity.
I wrote this in the image to fool people into thinking it was a troll fic or a bomb. But from the blatantly obvious evidence to the contrary slipped by them because they were too intent on judging this book by its cover rather than being fair or seeing what was past the paper thin disguise of what the story was.
Hopefully some people will learn, and to my surprise, I have more likes than dislikes, something I was not anticipating, further giving me hope that our fandom can change.
Wait... what?
2495762... just read it..... Wait, you already did.
2495762 Exactly
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-lol-no.gif
2495800
may I ask why?
Raise of hands, who actually read this?
I didn't. But I gave it an upvote for darkness. I am no better than any of you.
2495823
I just don't like the concept of Luna and Celestia fighting each other. They've already forgave each other in the canon show. Why do we have to try to force them into conflict with each other?
2495837
Please, before you make an ASS of U and ME, just read it. You may be suprised.
But, without spoiling it all, this is a satire, for I also disagree with the two fighting each other..... So why would i write this?
You'll just have to find out!
2495790
Ah... right this one. Dance you are liable to get the Celestia fans annoyed at you as well
2495831
Wrath just read it
2495842
Please don't make me read something that I don't want to read.
I'm just here to say where I stand on this.
2495865 ill send a PM, but your attitude is the exact reason why I wrote this and also titled the chapter "People will believe what they want to."
2495873
... Are you saying this is a troll fic?
2495883
if you call Satire trolling, than yes... But then you would have to call Mark Twian and Johnathon Swift trolls as well.
2495896
Then that makes the fic worse to my eyes.
And I read your PM. I'm still not going to read it cause you've just revealed to me that this is a troll fic.
I don't like trollfics.
2495906
you say troll, I say bait and switch.
I wrote this to make a point, and I must say you are not helping yourself.
THE DAWS!!!
That was very clever right there! You took a big risk with the title, but I have to comend you on this one!
Seeing our Royal Pony Sisters enjoying each others company in a strange AU universe was very nice. You showcased their bonds very well and I loved how this story, overall, turned out! Even if this is in the red, I'm very glad I read it.
Just goes to show, sometimes you need to love and tolerate a bit more than normal, you never know just what you'll find!
Wow.
Thankfully, I read the comments first before acting. It was a funny little quip, but I would highly recommend not being so blunt with your title.
Also, you may want to specify it's an April Fools joke in your description to avoid this reaction.
2495917
That's where you're wrong.
I'm helping myself by not reading a story that I don't want to read.
Where did I lose on that part?
I have been on this page for about an hour and am still debating whether I should read this or not, on the one hand, the comments seem to prove my impression from the description wrong, on the other, Celestia kills Luna apparently... the latter being the bad side as I like Luna.
2495951
go ahead, don't read it. Im not going to force you. It's just helping with the hypothesis that i sought to find when i wrote this. your own unwillingness is digging you into the hole.
Now, with your permission, would you mind if I deleted this little thread that we've made? I don't go behind people's back to cover up tracks, and while this is a little too revealing for me, I would like to show that you and I would agree on it.
if no than I won't touch them.
2495985
read it, you'll be suprised, otherwise you will be proving my point.
2495998
I most likely will, all the comments about how reading it makes people have a completely different outcome of what they thought it'd be like has intrigued me. Plus, it's over 7,000 words, so I know it can't just be "Oh Celestia saw Luna then remembered that she was supposed to bring her afternoon tea, so she got a knife, and stabbed her 37 times in the chest" Stories like that piss me off if they aren't written well enough....
Heh heh, I have to admit the title is deceptive, though technically not a lie. For those who are on the fence of reading it because you don't wanna see Celestia kill Luna, highlight this if you don't mind spoilers:
==> Celestia kills Luna because they're playing a fighting video game that has them in it as playable characters. She doesn't really kill Luna. She "kills" the video game Luna. <==
2495762
2495793
2495837
2495985
Hey I just read this and it is actually really good, well funny in any case. The message makes sense. Maybe you guys are disliking this purely because the story is making fun of you, yourselves.
Special snowflake autsists.
2496032
i was going to delete that for spoilers.... but Damn, that is actually VERy clever.
Im not even mad.
2496039
I think you mistake me sir, I don't dislike it, I haven't read it yet, and unlike 70% of the internet nowadays, I form my opinion after I view something.
2496040
Well, it wouldn't be fair to you if people didn't read this based solely on the title alone. Yes, it would prove your point, but still, you put effort into this, it deserves to be read. So I just gave people the choice to read spoilers or not. They're free to ignore them.
2496039
I've read it and it's not making fun of me. I'm not voting it up, but I'm not voting it down either
2495992
Good for you. Unfortunately, I don't really care what you're trying to prove.
And no, I would rather like my words to still be here. It would be rude of you to delete my comments.
Strange, the story randomly was bumped to mature..... Odd, since its as mature as mk vs dcu
2495917 Dude, seriously, "I must say you are not helping yourself"?
There's too much stuff on Fimfiction, too much really good stuff, for many of us to want to waste our time on a story that's trying to sell itself with an intentionally inflammatory title so it can make a satirical point. And then you berate people in the comments for not being willing to play your game? I'm sorry, but this is screaming, "Please look at me and my hipster story, you plebeians."
I read the title. It sounded like a horrible idea. I read the comment thread, and the spoilers, and saw what you were going for. And it's still close to 8000 words, apparently for the purpose of edgily subverting expectations. Maybe it's a masterpiece. I'll never know, because your titling, description, and attitude in the comments have done enough to ensure I have no interest in finding out. I am very much helping myself out here.
---------------------------------------
Now, I know that came off as harsh, so let me try to be a little more useful. You don't need to be edgy in trying to sell your story here. I think many people would have been perfectly happy to read something like this if it weren't being sold as a trollfic. I like good characterization, and I agree with 2495837 (and apparently you) about poor portrayals of the relationship between the princesses. What I do not like, though, are gimmick stories. I don't see why it would be any more difficult to sell a satire here in a way that doesn't make this all sound so much like you're thumbing your nose at the very people you want to read your story. That's probably an easy fix even for this story – though again, I'm not planning to read it so I can't say for certain. Also, 7500 words for someone to thumb their nose at me (or even just at other readers they don't like) is an awful lot of time for me to devote to a gimmick. I'm hesitant to read 7500 words if I have some reasonable expectation of enjoying them – again, so much good stuff available – so something where I get this sort of vibe? No, that's just never going to happen. If you want people to read, I strongly suggest trying to sell your story on its own strengths and not the perceived weaknesses of potential readers.
ETA: Oh, also, no I'm not downvoting because no, I'm not reading. I strongly encourage anyone else browsing comments to not vote without reading. I suspect you're getting a lot of those down thumbs from non-readers – though again, I can hardly be sure. But that's something of a shame. The story might genuinely be good. You've just convinced me not to find out, and so I don't think I have any business voting on it.
2496276
Thank you! At least I'm not alone in this.
2495842 Trust me, kiddo. You don't need any help making an ass out of yourself
Well this was......Certainly a read.
2496368
Thats up to Interpretation
2496276
on the contrary, i believe there is too much really BAD stuff in this fandom, especially popular shit that is just the same thing recycled by by someone in an attempt to copy someone else, or rather just a pure bullshit shock value fic that is hardly 1K words made to slam home one single joke that probably isnt funny.
and also, is it my fualt that i made a title that caught your attention? would it be better if I made somthing that was long, drawn out, and incredibly borning instead? would it be better if i put R34 pics in the cover? If it works, i don't care.
Ignorance is indeed bliss.
and yes, this fandom is in dire need of a rude awakening for what it has become, One person does somthing different or that they don't agree with and a sub atomic shitstorm occours. this story is not a gimmick, but you will never find out, and i truly am sorry for that.
(By the way, I'd love to hear a reason of why someone doesent like the story after reading it rather than going into panic mode and downvoting to protect your precious woona.)
I tried to help that one guy, to save him from the beginners trap for from what he said he may have enjoyed it, but you can't help people who don't want it.
But I do respect that you did not downvote it because you did not read it. (But "fuck you" if you are just lying through your teeth.) I hope people learn somthing from this.
Also, calling me a hipster was a bit of a low blow and a libel. If i was trying to insult people into reading this i would just point out the fact that this fandom has made me realize how shallow humans can be.
By the way... i love the fact that many of the comments about me saying anything or most of the people showing support of the story usually have about 2 down votes while the ones denouncing it usually have about 3.....
wilywalnut.com/images/sherlock-holmes-mind.jpg
Harsh comments are harsh here, I really don't care about the intentions of the author, this is a good, well written story, that happens in a cool AU. If you like the princesses' interactions you should read it period.
Spoilers up next, don't read before the story.
I found incredibly silly how someone could fall in the game of this author. I got to this story from the Momlestia Group, which in itself told me the title is not what it sounded. I always check comments when a story has a too vague description, I think this one has one, so I skimmed through the first few. I remembered the author from the Protect Celestia Group, 2496075 seemed ok with this story, then someone d'awed, and immediately I thought: yep this is one of those fics in which the author will point out at something the whole story, just to change it at the end, playing with the assumptions of people. i decided to read out of curiosity of how was Celestia going to "kill" Luna, I knew it was a russ, so yeah, no big surprise. I would have never guessed the inclusion of video games though (until the part with the cake, that screamed: what you are reading next will be the description of a Fatality) I liked that, and the big touching scene at the end, and I like this AU; Upvoted and Favorited for the story itself, it is cute, and sweet and have a great fighting scene, loved it.
2497317
a57.foxnews.com/global.fncstatic.com/static/managed/img/Politics/660/371/obama_japan.jpg?ve=1
its the smart people in this world that reminds me that the human race hasnt become inbred and stupid.
Spoilers: Don't read Highlight at your own risk:
==> if you reread it, You can see how i watched hours of mortal Kombat videos to mimic how those games played out, from the character's reactions to pain, juggling, Xrays, fatality combos, and projectile spamming. <==
Okay, fine, against my better judgment I'll at least look at the story, because y'know what, even if I feel like you're doing everything in your power to get your attention in the wrong way, the sad fact is that you HAVE gotten my attention at this point.
So, first paragraph:
I'm already losing interest. There's a lot of mediocre sentence construction here: "what likes of work one did", "what would be better to end the week with but", "not all would have the luxury of not working". Lots of passive construction. And then you end it with, "but that is beside the point." If that's beside the point, why on Earth did you just spend the most important paragraph of your story talking about it?
So it looks like you're going to be writing in 3rd person omniscient viewpoint, because this certainly doesn't sound like how Celestia thinks about things. Okay, I can live with that, although I'm really not a fan of that viewpoint.
This sentence is chock full of prepositional and adjectival phrases, and it makes it a burden to read. We have "the only hint" + four prepositional phrases + "was what time it was". And then the day is Saturday. Okay, so not what I was expecting after you spent your first paragraph talking about Sunday. At this point, I think I'm just going to have to accept that you write like this and move on to seeing if the story's worth reading.
Okay, up to the first section break, and ignoring grammatical and usage errors. I'm at a loss for why Celestia's been planning whatever she's planning for 800 years. Was there some reason she started thinking, 200 years into her sister's exile, that she'd be getting Luna back? But it's a small nitpick there; certainly not ruining the story. The one thing I'm disliking a little so far is Celestia's characterization. I just don't see her using the word "daddy", really in any context. Again, though, this is a small thing. Also, the story has largely failed to catch my interest – but then again, at this point I'd either be expecting a plot arc of "Celestia kills Luna", in which case I'd have no interest in the story, or some sort of "Celestia doesn't kill Luna but has other plans", which is fine, but you haven't really given me a motivation for wanting to see what those plans are yet. I just know Celestia's excited about them, but I haven't come to share any of that excitement yet.
Okay, back to quoting a bit:
Now this is a fair piece of description, but I'm really looking for a reason to engage with this story right now. One way you could be pulling me in would be to make this description multi-sensory. As it is, even though this is well put together, it's just a stack of visual cues and once again it doesn't really help grab my attention.
Annnd... I'll put the next bit in spoiler-text (roll over to see) since you've mentioned not wanting plot points spoiled for potential readers. I'm giving up with the fight scene. Like I said, I have other things to read right now, including a job of pre-reading on a Celestia and Luna story of a very different character. Now, in your defense for the fight scene, it's nicely divorced of any thought or emotional heft so there's really no problem with characterization here. That said, I also find it very boring and it's enough to make me put this story away. The physical details aren't quite enough to help me see what's going on, because it's just a jumble of action. I think one could write this in a way that was interesting to follow, but it would be very difficult and take a strong sense of choreography. But one of the biggest problems here is the very thing I was praising a few sentences ago – the lack of any characterization. It keeps the reader from coming to untrue judgments, but it also keeps them from engaging with the scene. I've seen this in other stories before, and I like to phrase my response thus: just because a thing is done well doesn't mean the thing was worth doing. Sure, you're executing the fight scene in about as good a manner as I could probably expect, given what I know about the story. But it's handicapped by the fact that it needs to be done that way, and the end result is just boredom.
Okay, so, conclusions.
You're right that there's plenty of crap here on Fimfiction. There's plenty of crap in every fandom, and even in professionally published literature. Sturgeon's preferred formulation of Sturgeon's law was that 90% of everything is crap. But there's a heck of a lot of good stuff to read, too – cf. the Top Rated list.
I'm completely with you about being annoyed at most of what hits the Feature Box. That's why I largely ignore the feature box and stick to what gets recommended out of the circle of people I watch: people whose skill and judgment I usually trust. That's what I mean when I'm talking about "too much good stuff to read". I could care less about most of what goes up on this site. I know how to dig up things that are good, and there are way too many of them for me to deal with already.
I really have no idea where you're coming from in saying that this fandom "is in dire need of a rude awakening", though. And I don't say that as a way of starting off a rebuttal. I just have no idea what you mean. I don't care to, incidentally, but whatever perspective you're coming from there seems entirely alien to me.
I think the thing I that bothers me the most in all this, though, is a line from your story's description:
Your story isn't the point? Then why on Earth should I have any interest in reading it? You're right there in the description, telling me that you're trying to make a point here and not with your story. And then you're complaining when people refuse to read it? Why?
Okay, so, final verdict.
If this had come across my desk with a title that didn't immediately make me think badly of it (and yes, admittedly, you did get more attention this way – but it was largely negative attention), and if you weren't going so far out of your way to convince me that you don't respect the fandom or the people you're asking to read your story, I'd probably give it an up thumb. I'm usually generous with them, because I like to encourage people to write. Most writers here are very much amateurs, and they need the practice, so I'm not going to downvote just because I think your writing needs considerable work. I'm also not going to downvote based on the comments, because I think votes should be based on stories and nothing else. What I am going to do is just continue to not rate this one. It isn't really bad, but it could use a lot of work and you never managed to capture my attention, or even get particularly close, in the span of text I read. But I don't think you deserve any encouragement on this either, because you seem far more interested in grandstanding than in writing.
2497294 Also, dude, your comments aren't getting downvoted for the story. They're getting downvoted because any time someone doesn't want to play your game, you're openly insulting, and because you're saying things like
Which intentional or not (and you're making it look pretty intentional) comes off as you pulling the aforementioned "If you don't agree with me, it's because you're not smart or cultured enough for what I'm trying to do" hipster nonsense. If you don't want to come off that way, please, just don't talk that way.
As for people upvoting comments that are arguing with you, same thing. I think it's basically just that people have disliked the attitude you've shown here.
I'm honestly a little disappointed the story has gotten so many downvotes, because it's clearly a better story than the rating is indicating. But at the same time, you've really brought this on yourself.
2497422
I am a little confused, did you read it all? because if you did than you would notice that (I dont know how to do spoilers, so just highlight) they are playing a videogame, and videogame characters don't have thoughts, feel fear, feel pain, joy, het tired or happiness unless they are prompted to. since i am assuming that you did not read the whole thing, then you would not see the joke that they were playing a videogame, and hence we can only infer from what we see, and not what they think. I put all of my effort into emphesising that. furthermore, i could write a blog post about the monster our fandom has become and nobody would care. But if i make it into a story, showing it, then we have a whole new audience. The story is about how we as a fandom only precieve the two as feuding enemies, wanting to kick each other when they are down or gross perversions of their character. the whole point of this is to show us what weve done and try to amend the wounds.
I say that "the story isnt perfect" and whatever because I am not a AAA author and dont intend to be. Ive been working on an actual story that is more fitting of the term "Story" for the past year, this was just a small side project when I opened FIM and saw 8 of the featured fic were all woona romance and all of the new fics were stereotypes.
there indeed are good sister fics, but they are far too underappreciated, I had to stoop to an all new low to try and make my point.
2497421 Why thank you.
Oooh I see now. I remember reading the part with the cake the first time and, curious, returning to the moment in which Celestia cracks Luna's skull and thinking "Mortal Kombat!" and then returned to read the Fatality. Now that I've read it twice I do can notice a lot more details from the game, kudos to that, It is hard to describe all that with words.
2497524
yeah, its deliberate, I accpet that I am being that way, but still, the people who read it and get downvoted do not deserve that, and It may involve someone doing a drive by downvote.
Id be fine if someone posted that they didn't like it FOR ACTUALLY READING IT! but on the contrary, we get people like C.P for sayign this, "I've read it and it's not making fun of me. I'm not voting it up, but I'm not voting it down either" who got a downer?
2497539 I've never read a story on this site that has the two as feuding enemies. Not once. Again, I generally stick to stories that are good, and things that aren't don't even touch my radar unless I go digging through new story lists like today (which isn't meant as a comment on your story, it's not the only one I looked at – though it's true I never would have seen it if I didn't happen to be doing a new story dig today). Anyway, any story that characterizes them like that is going to have a huge "bad characterization" hurdle to overcome for me, and I'm perfectly happy to drop out of fics when I find them boring or badly written.
As for your spoiler stuff, first of all, you can get the spoiler tag by, for example, clicking the quote button and switching the word quote for spoiler. Now, back to spoiler-text.
I knew from the spoilers earlier in the comments that there was some sort of video game thing going on, though the inclusion of the guard ponies felt a little odd on that front. That said, yes, the language in the fight scene was recognizably fighting-game related. I know I saw a mention of dazing. The action was described very much like button mashing. But, as I said before, just because you may do a thing well doesn't mean that thing is worth doing. I've read a pretty well-written story with the conceit that it was actually written by Rainbow Dash, and was thus terrible. The writer made it intentionally bad, and did a good job mimicking what they wanted to mimick, but that didn't change the fact that sheerly by dint of what they were doing, the whole thing was just mind-numbingly boring. The fighting scene here feels similar to me, though not quite as bad. Sure, you're doing what you set out to do well, but your story has failed to catch my attention early on, and now you're writing something that's genuinely boring to read. That's the point where I give up. Other people have more tolerance for okay writing and boring sections, and I'm glad you're finding some audience among people who like what you wanted to do with this, but you asked for a critical appraisal of the story from your naysayers and I figured I'd oblige.
2497609
and thank you for doing that.
2497632 No problem, and thank you for toning down the language that was making me a little uptight myself.
2497609
also, skip to the end, you'll see what i mean.
Now time to try out the spoiler!
so, skip to the end, and look for the things i point out, TryantLestia, Trollestia, Molestia, Etc. But for the two fighting (and I stress to stay away from this garbage) just read anything that involves the NLR, usually Batponies, Solar Empire, The Lunar Guards, Empress Celestia and it goes on and on. The point of the two fighitng is often not a main plot, but it is almost always a conflict, between which is the better princess, or that Luna is often always better than Celestia at everything, even if they are not in physical combat
2497651>>2495762>>2495793>>2495831>>2495918>>2495924>>2495985>>2496032
So would you all say that there was more to this story than it is at first glance?