• Member Since 27th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 3 hours ago


haha rainbow machine go brrr


All her life, Strata has been driven by her thirst for discovery and the sense of worth gained from unearthing the history of the world. However, when she risks everything by venturing deep into the Everfree Forest on a hunch, fueled by pride and dreams of grandeur, she doesn't consider that the object she seeks might just be seeking her in return.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 20 )

Yes... Yes..... *klicks read later*


Like an onion, this story has layers!

Huh? I have NO idea how the featuring system works... this story only has 30+ views and 8+ thumbs lol, and you're smack dab in the middle of the featured box.


I think you're insane because it definitely isn't on the feature box XP

2558369 It was when I posted the comment. How else would I have found this, honestly? It was on the front page, and I don't dig for diamonds in the rough. Anyways, I repeat, I have NO clue how the feature box works :/

aurora dawn wanting to be an actual book author of this stuff that's definitely going to happen :raritywink:


Well uh, what to say? I kinda hate the "Tragedy" tag, because it prepares you for something... well, tragic to happen and kinda spoilers you right away. THAT IS TO SAY IF YOU AREN'T HALLUCINATING AND SEE THINGS WHICH WERE NEVER THERE. URGH.

I must admit though, I did not see 'that' coming. Bonus points on the ending. I most certainly did not expect an epilogue in form of a children's fairly tale, nor how well it could work.

A little complex with the wording here and there, but overall great. You really seem to like the word "lay". :P

In total, a very enjoyable short story. Time really seems to be your element, and I couldn't resist to think of this image when Strata's entire fate was turned upside down in less than 500 words.


Thanks for the critique, man! It's really awesome seeing someone not just *read* one of my stories, but take the time to think about it and consider it in their minds.


That sounds like it's something unusual for you (which I can't put my hand on, since I don't know whether it's actually the case). I could sit down and analyze every word of Rainbow Factory; I've written a bunch of lengthy reviews before (for music and fan games mostly, however).

The question is, how helpful would this be? After all -for me at least- the detailed thoughts of a single wouldn't outweigh the average thoughts of many.


You'd be incredibly surprised the signal to noise ratio I get of "I really enjoyed [this scene/this element/this theme/] but found you lacking in the [realism/pacing/character building] department; here's how I think you can improve and what you failed on, but I still enjoyed these particular parts and they make it an overall [terrible/hilarious/entertaining/disturbing/lame/incredible] story" to "omg dashien why u wer mai waifu".

Even the small, thoughtful critiques like what you gave me there are few and far between, and believe me they are a miracle to me. I cannot improve from "I hate you and ur story sucked", I cannot tackle weaknesses when I am told "ur witiang is god's gift to man", but I can sure as hell remember that one dude who told me I didn't pay attention to a certain essential part of building scenery.

There are some good ideas here, and the writing largely succeeds in being flowery without bogging down the flow of the story, but overall I found this story to be more than a bit lacking. I quite enjoyed the first half, as we got to learn of Strata's character and approached the black crystal, but then it rushed to a conclusion that didn't feel like it had been earned.

To start with, there wasn't nearly enough buildup to the Carousel. It's introduction is very rushed compared to the amount of buildup the black crystal received. It feels as if, in the process of fleshing out a storyline for the drawing on which this story was based, you happened upon an idea you were much more keen on exploring, and then tossed in the carousel almost as an afterthought.

Twilight's story-telling at the end also left me with a sour taste in my mouth. The way she is written is far too smug to be talking about the entrapment of somepony who she'd spent a sizeable amount of time with. Strata even makes a comment early on in the chapter about Twilight's snootiness, so I get the feeling this was intentional rather than poor writing. Regardless, I find Twilight to be more than a little out of character in this story, and it really hurts the ending because of it.

Lastly, I believe there is something very wrong with the way the bedroom scene is written. I re-read those paragraphs over and over again, just trying to figure out what exactly was happening. Where is the crystal? Under the bed? Under the slab? Which slab, the ceiling slab? Oh, maybe the bed rests on a slab? Wait, how did she karate chop a mattress and a slab in half? I thought the mattress... my brain hurts. :rainbowhuh: That whole scene was just incredibly unclear due to the way it was written.

So that's what I felt went wrong in the story. This is still one of the better horror stories I've read in the fandom, but it could have been much better.

PS. I noticed someone else in the comments section saying this story made it into the Featured tab, but you say it didn't show up there for you. I've had this happen to me before; one of my stories ended up in the featured box, but only for users who have their profile set to not see 18+ stories. The featured box changes for those individuals to include a slightly different lineup of stories.

I'll be fair, it was definitely a good read. I did feel that the emphasis on the psychological aspect of the story was one thing that brought me to continue reading the story. I almost wished the "second half" was another tale but by the time I heard that the purple mare was involved, I knew I was taken for a ride like our dear Strata. Great work.

A great psychological horror / adventure . It had great ambiance and the idea of the story was interesting and unique. If I only have one complaint its that I felt the ending (of Strata's portion) was a little rushed , but it didn't detract from the flow of the story so I still enjoyed it. Overall a good job kudos.

Strata wished to some day be a legend... be careful what you wish for muhahahaha

HOLY CRIPPLED EGG WHITES BATMAN!!!! that was a very cool story!!

A good read. I very much enjoyed the ambiance. The main character was interesting. Ending was good if a bit rushed.

oh my god how did I never see this. I hope I can still send him a thank you...

I'm friends with him on Facebook so I could message him on your behalf if you're unable to contact him.

I sent him a note through bandcamp contact, but in case he doesn't get it by all means please let him know that I'm absolutely stunned, love the song, and 'hello, hope you are doing well these days'. 😊

Login or register to comment