Familiars Are Magic

by PotatoJoe

Evil Bed-gets Evil

THE HIGHLY ANNOYED AND SLIGHTLY CHARRED Trixie scowled.

It was really more of a pout, but she’d never admit it. Things had just gone so wrong, so quickly, she had to pout. She’d woken a few minutes prior in a luxurious Canterlot bedroom - the kind a mare like THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie deserved. She’d found her robe and hat on the table besides her and her new baby dragon in a small crib, sleeping peacefully.

She’d leaned over to take a look at the sleeping wyrmling. Of course, her mane had drooped as it always did in the morning and fell upon the babies face, causing it to sneeze.

Fire.

Into her mane.

After a few seconds of panic she’d managed to get off a fire-suppression spell, but that had only managed to cover her and her room in a cold foam. She’d tried a simple cleaning incantation - and teleported everything in the room but her, her hat and robe, and the baby dragon just outside, watching helplessly as it fell upon Princess Celestia as she walked through the courtyard with Twilight Sparkle.

Of course they would be there. THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie counted herself lucky there hadn’t been a class of foals touring the castle as well.

Of course, the Guard stormed her room within seconds and behaved about like anypony would when the Princess has had a four-post bed dropped upon her. THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie didn’t blame them for that.

Throwing her in the deepest dungeon while they toweled the Princess and her court mage off? She found that somewhat excessive.

But putting the baby dragon in with her? That, she could never forgive and that was why she was pouting.

Because it would. Not. Stop. CRYING.

“ Shut it up!” the guard shouted again, growling as he banged a hoof on the iron door of her cell. THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie rolled her eyes as she tried to remember a spell to summon earplugs - the closest she had managed so far was nose plugs. The little blue dragon lay on the cot besides her, bawling and flailing in the cold damp cell. “ Shut it up or by the Princess, we’ll dig a deeper cell and put you in it!”

“ Alone?” she asked rather hopefully. Before the guard could answer the door to the dungeons opened and a purple unicorn - and possibly the mare THE VENGEFUL AND SOMEWHAT CHILLY Trixie hated most - entered the room, levitating several scrolls and a bag along with her.

“ Ms. Sparkle.” said the guard, bowing to her.

“ Hi, Hoofscrews!” she said in a pleasant tone, greeting the guard. “ I’ll take over from here.”

“ Thank Celestia.” sighed the guard, trotting towards the door. “ Teach this idiot a silence spell, would you?”

THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie shot a flank-stinging spell at him as he departed, causing him to jump and fall down the stairs. He glared and left, leaving her alone with Twilight Sparkle and the crying dragon.

“ So, um, here’s some food for your dragon.” said Twilight awkwardly, levitating the bag inside of the cell. “ Sounds like she’s hungry.”

“ Mm, perhaps.” said THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie, glancing at the bad as it landed. Her eyes widened as she saw it was filled with gemstones. “ W-what is this?” she exclaimed, pouncing on the bad and tearing it open.

“ You know, dragon food? Gems?” said Twilight, as if it should have been obvious.

“...dragons...eat...gems?” said Trixie, pausing as the thought filtered through her mind. She lay on the mossy cobblestone, a small pile of gleaming jewels in front of her. “ They eat gems. How many do they eat?”

Twilight levitated one to the dragon, who grabbed the emerald and began to gnaw on it greedily.

“ Uh, well, when my dragon, Spike, was little, maybe three or four a day? As they grow older they can eat a lot more stuff, but for now - “

“ ...oh no.” said Trixie, trembling as she held her head in her hooves. “ Oh no, oh no, oh no. I can’t afford that. I can’t! I can’t, I don’t have any bits!”

“ I, uh, noticed.” said Twilight, unrolling the scrolls she had brought with a flare of magic. “ You’ve got your unpaid students loans from the Institute for Illusionists, a triple mortgage on a destroyed housewagon, a rather sizable tab at the Magick Hat Shoppe, three hundred outstanding parking tickets for a housewagon, and you’ve defaulted on three different lines of credit.”

“...wait, what?” said Trixie, blinking.

“ I looked up your finances to see if you could afford, um, your dragon.” Twilight said with a grimace. “ I wouldn’t have done this, but your, uh, current wagon got repossessed.”

“ B-but I made the payment!” exclaimed Trixie, tears forming in her eyes as she leapt up. “ I know I did!”

“ Uh, you paid of the interest.” said Twilight, taking out the receipt. “ You didn’t pay the principle.”

“ Gim!”

Trixie and Twilight glanced to the little dragon, who was cooing and waving a clawed paw at the pile of gems. “ Gim!” it repeated. Wincing, Trixie levitated a ruby over. The dragon began to suck on it happily.

“ So, basically, theres no way you could afford to raise your dragon.” said Twilight, regaining Trixie's attention. “ And, uh, you did kind of break three of Celestia’s ribs.”

“ Oh that.” sighed Trixie, remembering the reason she was in the cell.

“ Yeah, uh, we were actually talking about paying your debts while we were walking.” continued Twilight, glancing to the ceiling. “ She was all for it, you know, before. Kinda funny, actually.”

“ Not to me.” moaned Trixie, lying down on the cot.

“ But, um, we’ve got other options.” said Twilight, trying to take a positive tone. “ One, my friend Rarity can teach you the gem-finding spell she knows. It’s pretty powerful, but, um, you turned her hair green when you came to Ponyville.”

Trixie groaned.

“ Two, uh, we might try filing for bankruptcy.” the purple mare continued. “ You’d end up going to debtors prison for...a while. But you would get out. Someday. Maybe.”

Trixie groaned again, burying her head in her front legs.

“ Option, three, well, the Institute for Gifted and Talented Unicorns has offered to adopt your dragon and could - “

“ No.”

Trixie hadn’t budged when she answered. She didn’t need to.

“ Uh, well, it’s your only real option.” said Twilight, sounding surprised. “ You - “

“ Twilight Sparkle, you listen to me.” said Trixie, looking up. Her eyes were red with tears of frustration, but focused. Twilight’s ears pinned back, obviously caught off guard by this sudden force. “ My life has been one long, miserable joke. I’ve flunked out of a dozen magic schools, lost everything I owned time and time again, been humiliated more times that anypony could count, and I don’t have a bit to my name. This dragon is the first time in just about ever that anything, and I do mean anything, has gone my way.”

“...what about that show in Manehattan?” said Twilight, a little shocked and grasping for a response. “ I heard - “

“ The zombies were real.”

“ Oh. Oh. And the - “

“ We never found the fish.”

“...oh dear. And - “

“ Disintegrated, teleported to the North Pole, and no, it didn’t look like I’d been turned into a stallion for that trick, I accidentally did. It took three weeks to fix that.”

“...Geez.” said Twilight, rubbing a hoof on the back of her head. “ Uh, wow. Must be hard to stay positive with a life like that.”

“ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie manages.” said Trixie, recovering from her situation for a few moment, before slumping back onto the cot. Besides her the little blue dragon had fallen asleep, the half-eaten ruby still in her mouth. “ First things first - how are you getting me out of jail?”

“ Uh, well, thats another problem.” sighed Twilight, opening another scroll. “ The, um, Guard is accusing you of attempted regicide and being an evil sorceress.”

There is a rare sound that one can only hear a few times in their life, the sound made by an idea. It is a strange little twang that shouldn’t exist, but does, and everyone who hears it somehow knows what that idea is.

And a evil, vicious little idea entered Trixie’s mind.

“ No.” said Twilight, instantly putting her hoof down. “ Trixie, don’t even dare think that. And look at your situation - there is no chance, no how, that you could possibly take over Equestria!”

“ It’s possible!” declared Trixie defiantly, jumping up and glaring through the bars. “ It’s remote, but it could happen!”

“ Please, Trixie.” snorted Twilight. “ One - you’re in jail. Two, you’ve have to fight the Royal Guard and you don’t have an army. Two, you’d have to fight the Elements of Harmony, and you’d need some sort of team of villains to do that. And Three, Princess Celestia might be in the hospital, but Luna wouldn’t just let you take over!”

“...so, I need a horde of mooks, a legion of evil, and I’ve got to somehow deal with a god-like Princess.” said Trixie, conjuring a paper and pen and jotting it down. Her dragon was snoring slightly, little puffs of pink flame flickering from her nostrils with each breath. “ Anything else?”

“ Well, assuming you take over you’ll need to deal with civilian disobedience, re-establish ties with other nations and HAY WAIT!” Twilight shook her head, snapping out of it as she realized she’d been helping Trixie. “ Come on, Trixie, lets get back to reality. Even if you wanted to, you’d never find that stuff.”

“ Uh, well, I was kinda stalking you and your friends for a while.” said Trixie awkwardly, glancing at the stone floor. “ You know, trying to plan my revenge and stuff. And, uh, by a while...I mean since we last met.”

“ ...that’s all you’ve done?”

“ Well, kinda - you know, in these modern days it’s not what you know, it’s who. So I’ve been networking.”

“ Oh no.” said Twilight, eyes widening as Trixie's smile did as well.

“ Meeting with grumpy gryphons, boorish Bluebloods, and dealing with diamond dogs. It wasn’t pleasant, but I’ve got a nice little roster to work with.”

Twilight stared at her for several seconds.

“ You still need an escape plan, and that you don’t have.” said Twilight flatly, her annoyance obvious. “ There’s no way out of here.”

“ You foal!” cackled THE GREAT AND POWERFUL Trixie, rearing back onto her hind legs. “ A magician of my ability can easily escape such a meager prison!”

Trixie looked around for several seconds.

“...I suppose that I shouldn’t have hoped for a secret door to suddenly appear.” sighed Trixie, sulking a little. “ Fine, I won’t try and launch a campaign of terror against Equestria.”

“ I’ll look into getting you on a work detail.” said Twilight, scowling. “ It’ll take six months and be hard, but you’ll be able to pay of your debts.”

“...and keep my familiar?” asked Trixie, giving a weak but hopeful smile.

A smirk flickered on Twilights lips for a second before melting her frown.

“ Of course.” said Twilight, turning to leave the dungeon. “ No funny stuff, Trixie - this is a chance to fix most of your problems in one go.”

There was the sound of a sneeze. Twilight trotted up the stairs in silence, turning to glance back at the top. Her eyes bugged - the jail cell was empty, save for a few pinkish sparks.

---

“...okay, that...happened.” said Trixie in confusion, glancing around. She seemed to be inside her wagon, which was being pulled. Her familiar had let out a doozy of a sneeze and engulfed the cell in fire and the next think Trixie had known, they were here.

The little dragon was still asleep and was lying on top of Trixie’s bed. Trixie smiled leaning over to nuzzle the dragon a little. She pulled the covers over the reclining reptile and couldn’t help but feel a somewhat motherly feeling.

Oh, she was going to love having that thing around.

And now, it was time to turn a few repo ponies into frogs.

Comments

[Cottonmouth]

You've caught my interest I suppose. Continue.

[Cottonmouth]

And if there is one suggestion I can make, stop overusing 'uh' and 'um'. Basically all the little sentence interrupters like that.

While they are common in real life, they are frustrating to read in stories.

[Thorax]

Poor, poor Celestia apparently she's not as invincible as I thought.

[RTStephens]

The IMPOVERISHED AND INDEBTED Trixie has a lot to learn, doesn't she?

I like how your funny bits also include a few tender moments when Trixie is dealing with her new dragon. Keeps things a little grounded during all the snickering.

Is the dragon named yet? Will there be a name? Looking forward to finding out!

If Trixie survives the next chapter, that is.

[PotatoJoe]

205583 I only use it in the awkward sentences, so you won't see it as much as you did this chapter.

205765 Yes, the dragon will get a name, but it'll be Trixie-style.

[Woolytop]

Name her Gem. Because no one else is the same.

[UseFistNotMouth]

Well Twilight has Spike, maybe Trixie should name her dragon Zweihander?

[UseFistNotMouth]

Also when are you planning on sending this to EqD? It's definitely good enough!

[PotatoJoe]

206365 AH HA HA NO. THe last time I submitted something that got in, I got such frothy hate in comments that I nearly quit the site. I'm not making that mistake again. Never again.

[UseFistNotMouth]

206553

Really? That's disappointing. Honestly I wouldn't know who you are or be following you or tracking your fics if it wasn't for EqD. The last time I checked "Your Best Shot" is a 5 star (4.5 avg) fic with some criticisms (the only consistent one being Pinkie acting TOO Pinkie) and one or 2 haters who come off as total ignoramuses and aren't taken seriously...

[PotatoJoe]

206713 Yeah, more like 200 comments that "OMG u speel so bad" and about 100 pm's of " omg your foot fetish is so gross". Someday I might try EQD again, but once was enough for a while.

[UseFistNotMouth]

206818

Wat?
I'm sorry for bugging you about this as you have obviously strong feelings, but are we both talking about the same story post?
There are only 45 comments on the post and only one of them complains about grammar and refers specifically to overuse of dashes. No comments even have the word "spell" in them.
Also there are no PMs on EqD and what foot fetish? Did I miss a chapter?

Well either way I'll drop it and this is a great fic. Looking forward to more.

[Anonymous XXX]

206553 way to go, man. EqD is not a fabulous site for fiction. heck, i got hate from the pre-readers ah well, i cant wait til trixie takes over equestria. submit it then, you KNOW sethisto will post that.

[PotatoJoe]

206947 In any event, one new chapter of Your Best Shot each week for the next three weeks! Talking bout it with you got me motivated.

[UseFistNotMouth]

207457
HA HA! Yet another positive outcome for commenting while on hypertension inducing cold meds!

[ManestreamMMR]

I really hope you end this one to interesting and you always make the weirder and funnier twists

tracking again

[Deep Pond]

I am really enjoying the mix of sadness and snarking here. I feel sorry for Trixie, but I also enjoy her out-and-out hammy showmareship, and her overwhelming arrogance in the face of anypony and everypony. Good chapter; looking forward to more.

[PotatoJoe]

207885 I'm being double tracked? Dude, sweet.

207906 I like her charecter for this kind of thing. She's a perfect combonation of woobie, unflappable, and jerk.

[RealityCheck]

You know, there's always been a lot more sympathy for Trixie than for, say, Blueblood. Makes you ponder the reason.

[PotatoJoe]

208516 She's female.

[RealityCheck]

Heh. Hardly that, dear boy. Though I won't deny it's a chronic cultural bias...
But still there are several other obvious reasons.
Starting with the fact that Blueblood is privileged. He's rich, he's royalty, you'd think he could afford some manners, right?
Meanwhile Trixie was just as obnoxious, if not more so--- but she also stepped up to the plate when the Ursa Minor came to town, even though it wasn't her fault.
Blueblood may have ended up with a dry-cleaning bill. Trixie lost EVERYTHING, even her hat and robe... (and noone made ANY effort to reimburse her either!)

But just to be fair let's play devil's advocate: Trixie's transgressions were deliberate. Blueblood's were done in narcissistic ignorance. And we really can't extrapolate as much about Blueblood's real character from his time onscreen as we can about Trixie. I've seen at least one fanfic that presupposed that his boorish behavior was actually an act he put on whenever he suspected he was being pestered by a gold-digger.... which when you think about it, is likely a real necessary strategy for any bachelor with a royal title to his name...plus, sadly, it describes Rarity's motivations a little too well.

[Deep Pond]

208516 Part of the reason, IMO, is that Blueblood comes across as both utterly narcissistic and one-dimensional. He shows no redeeming qualities, just endless self-centeredness, in a context where he should be treating a lady like a lady. He could be polite, at a bare minimum. Hayseed Turnip Truck was more of a gentlestallion that Blueblood.

By contrast, Trixie was a huge braggart and ham - as part of her show. She didn't do anything bad except talk, and humiliated those who accepted her challenge as part of her show. Also, when it came down to it, she tried to fight the Ursa despite knowing she was hopelessly outclassed. Finally, as RealityCheck noted, she was publicly embarrassed and lost all her possessions, all for no real crime. That's harsh.

[UseFistNotMouth]

211332

I agree more or less. Trixie may not have been making any friends with her boasting, trickery and arrogance, but her only real mistake was lying about the Ursa.

Blueblood was actually less MEAN than Trixie, but all his actions were more morally deplorable.

[Tonto the Trotter]

Hope this story isn't dead. I like it and it looks like a lot of fun.

[Dan-heron]

interesting story, but the same overdone and boring "Trixie is really weak and she needs to be taught" thing gets grating way too quickly

[bubble berry]

This is awsome I this story

[awesome brony]

211332
Maybe he doesn't believe in chivarly
After all Most rulers in Equestria ARE females, So chivarly in Equestria hardly makes sens