Slooth was just a normal teenager, going through the motions of life, not really caring. But suddenly his whole life changes as he wakes up in a strange wood, not as a human, but a pony. What happened to him, and will he be able to get back to the life he once knew? Or are there mysterious forces at work?
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Hello there.
New writer? Seeking criticism? Well, here goes... Your writing is pretty solid. There are a few grammatical errors here and there.
I didn't get too much of a feel for the character of Slooth (great name, by the way). I mean, I get that he used to be a human and is surprised to wake up as a pony, but we don't really get to meet him properly. (I'm supposing this will come later in the story, but I was looking for something to grab my sympathies for him right out of the gate.) I liked how you threw your character into danger right away.
To be honest, I'm not a big reader of Human in Equestria stories, so I'm probably not your target audience. (Which is important. Just because a story doesn't totally resonate with me doesn't mean it's wrong.)
Here are some things you should definitely do:
1. Join this group and add your story there. (And do the same for any other group that it fits into.) This way people who are looking for Human in Equestria stories will be able to find it now that it's off the front page. (Also, the folks in that group can probably give you even better criticism than I can since they are more familiar with HiE tropes and such.)
2. I think your story needs to give the reader a bit more of a reason to be invested in the main character right away. You have the mystery of how he got to Equestria and became a pony, but we need a reason to care about him enough to stick around for the answers.
3. The first time I posted a story here, I had what I thought was a great idea for a story. It was going to be epic. But almost no one read it. I ended up writing 50,000 words and only had a handful of readers the whole time. (And only two of those commented on it.) It was pretty discouraging because I cared a lot about that story and it seemed like I was the only one.
If you find yourself in that situation, try this: take breaks from your long story and write a one-shot or two. It will give you the chance to practice different kinds of storytelling and find out what your readers like. Also, you will have the opportunity to catch more readers. (People love short stories since they don't require the same investment of the reader.)
Anyway, keep up the good work and be sure to join the Human in Equestria group.
And keep writing, my friend.
You say you're a new writer? Well then... I am impressed. I only noticed a couple grammatical mistakes, and other than that it was pretty good. As Kolwynia above said already, we don't get very much of a look at Slooth as a character on his own. You should focus on building him up through the chapters.
Also, I know I'm being picky here, but I just have one complaint. The fact that he walked as a pony with ease right off the bat. In all honesty, some people will hate on you for that fact alone. Going from being a tall bipedal creature to a small quadrupedal one... he should have had some difficulty getting used to the pattern of walking on all fours.
Anyways, you've managed to hook me. I hope to see more of this in the future.
2490254 Thank you so much for all of the advice. And I understand your concern about the walking. I am actually glad you noticed it, because it has some significance to the plot later in the story. Again, thanks for all the advice
2490517No prob. Glad I could help.
You Catch a new reader, me
good story so far.
And now reading this, Me gusta mucho. you have good prose. It speaks well to exactly what's going on, and paints an efficient picture of the setting and action.