• Published 27th Apr 2013
  • 658 Views, 7 Comments

From the Forest - Slooth

A young stallion wakes to find himself stranded in an unknown forest, but was is more confusing to him is the fact that he is a pony. The last thing he can remember before the forest, is his old Human body, and a mysterious friend.

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The Arrival

Chapter 1

The Arrival

It was early morning, and Celestias’ sun was just rising over the canopy of the trees, shining a dazzling lightshow through the branches onto the sleeping form of a pony underneath. As the sun rose higher in the sky, the pony started to wake from its slumber. The young stallion looked around in astonishment and confusion.

Where in the world am I, and how did I get here, he thought to himself as he started to get up. As he groggily looked around, he saw a lake in the distance. Maybe I can get my bearings after a drink, he thought as he walked towards the water. But as he reached the bank of the lake and looked into the water, what he saw sent his mind into total chaos. Looking back at him was not the reflection of a pale skin covered human, but of a pony. He stepped back in pure shock, falling on his flank. “No way, that is not possible”, he exclaimed, “There is no way I am a pony”. As he sat there, stone faced, not wanting to look at himself again.

“Come on Slooth, you have got be dreaming”, he reassured himself. “Just one splash of that water and you will see your old self”. As he got back up and walked over to the water, he decided he might as stick his whole head in, just to make sure. When he reached the edge of the lake, he fully submerged his head into the water, feeling its’ icy stab as the water forced itself over every part of his head. After a few seconds, he pulled back, breathing heavily. As he checked his reflection again, his heart sank. Even through the rippling of the recently disturbed water, he could clearly see that he was no longer human. Realizing this, he decided to take stock of his appearance. He was definitely a weird looking pony if he had ever seen one. He was a bright cyan color, with a long white mane. Silver streaked through his mane, like highlights on steroids. The part that really freaked him out though, was his eyes; they were a dark red, like a big juicy Macintosh apple.

How in the world did this happen, I went to bed last night as a human and wake up as a colorful pony. I need to get out of here and get some help. As he checked his reflection one last time in the pool he heard something that sent chills down his spine. Directly behind him, a large bush started to shake. Cautiously turning around, he saw it. Peering out of a huge bush was a pair of neon green eyes. They were staring straight at him, and he knew that they were not friendly. Suddenly, there was a revolting smell of something rotten, followed by the creaking of old wood. As he tried to peer deeper into the shadows of the bush, the creature inside jumped out.

It looked like nothing he had ever seen before. It appeared to be a large wolf like creature, but its appendages where all composed of wood; stumps and twigs all combined together to make the legs and body of the creature, with sharpened wedges to form a very menacing set of teeth. Slooth did not have long to ponder the oddness of the creature however, because it started chasing after him. As Slooth turned and galloped away from the strange creature behind him, he didn’t realize how dark and thick the trees were becoming, or that he had no clue as to where he was. As he ran with all his might, he soon realized it was to no avail. The creature was gaining on him, and he could not shake him. As fear continued to cloud his mind, he saw the tiniest inkling of a path through the breaking trees. Having exhausted nearly all his energy, Slooth made one final rush onto the path, and saw nothing but trees. His heart sank, but he continued to run, determined to try and make it out alive. As Slooth fled down the path, he turned his head and saw that the distance between himself and wolf-like creature was slowly growing. “Hah, take that you… you thing” he shouted. No sooner though that he turned his head back, he slammed right into a tree, immediately knocking himself unconscious.

“Hah, take that you… you thing” a voice shouted through the trees, falling on the ears of a purple unicorn. “What in Celestias’ name was that?” She said as she cocked her head to the side, trying to make sure she wasn’t hearing things. Sure enough, there was the sound of multiple creatures rapidly approaching her location. She quickly hid behind a tree, unsure as to whether or not the approaching beings were friendly or not. However, no sooner that she had dove behind the tree, there was a loud thud. The tree she was hiding behind shook violently, causing the unicorn to jump. As she cautiously peeked around the corner, she saw the form of a bright blue pony. Why in Equestria is there a pony this far out in the Everfree Forest, I wouldn’t even be out this far if I didn’t need to visit Zecora. However, her pondering was interrupted by a familiar stench.

Timberwolf! She quickly turned around, and saw the foe that was rapidly approaching her. Suddenly, out of pure instincts, the unicorns’ horn started to glow with a deep lavender color. In the few seconds that it took the creature to traverse the space between them, the unicorn had created a circular shield, covering both her and the pony beneath. As the wolf came into contact with the shield there was a loud pop. Lightning swarmed over the creature, causing it to fall into a pile charred wood. However, no sooner had she lowered the shield, the wooden appendages started to replace themselves. Enveloping the new pony in her magic, the unicorn quickly retreats, heading back the way she came. Zecora can wait, she thought to herself, that Timberwolf is still on my tail, and this pony needs help!

Author's Note:

Hey guys,
This is my first ever story and I am so excited about it, I am a new writer who was inspired by all the work here, so I would really appreciate criticism,

Comments ( 7 )

Hello there.:twilightsmile: New writer? Seeking criticism? Well, here goes... Your writing is pretty solid. There are a few grammatical errors here and there.

I didn't get too much of a feel for the character of Slooth (great name, by the way). I mean, I get that he used to be a human and is surprised to wake up as a pony, but we don't really get to meet him properly. (I'm supposing this will come later in the story, but I was looking for something to grab my sympathies for him right out of the gate.) I liked how you threw your character into danger right away.

To be honest, I'm not a big reader of Human in Equestria stories, so I'm probably not your target audience. (Which is important. Just because a story doesn't totally resonate with me doesn't mean it's wrong.)

Here are some things you should definitely do:

1. Join this group and add your story there. (And do the same for any other group that it fits into.) This way people who are looking for Human in Equestria stories will be able to find it now that it's off the front page. (Also, the folks in that group can probably give you even better criticism than I can since they are more familiar with HiE tropes and such.)

2. I think your story needs to give the reader a bit more of a reason to be invested in the main character right away. You have the mystery of how he got to Equestria and became a pony, but we need a reason to care about him enough to stick around for the answers.

3. The first time I posted a story here, I had what I thought was a great idea for a story. It was going to be epic. But almost no one read it. I ended up writing 50,000 words and only had a handful of readers the whole time. (And only two of those commented on it.) It was pretty discouraging because I cared a lot about that story and it seemed like I was the only one.:pinkiesad2: If you find yourself in that situation, try this: take breaks from your long story and write a one-shot or two. It will give you the chance to practice different kinds of storytelling and find out what your readers like. Also, you will have the opportunity to catch more readers. (People love short stories since they don't require the same investment of the reader.)

Anyway, keep up the good work and be sure to join the Human in Equestria group.:twilightsmile:

And keep writing, my friend.:rainbowdetermined2:

You say you're a new writer? Well then... I am impressed. I only noticed a couple grammatical mistakes, and other than that it was pretty good. As Kolwynia above said already, we don't get very much of a look at Slooth as a character on his own. You should focus on building him up through the chapters.

Also, I know I'm being picky here, but I just have one complaint. The fact that he walked as a pony with ease right off the bat. In all honesty, some people will hate on you for that fact alone. Going from being a tall bipedal creature to a small quadrupedal one... he should have had some difficulty getting used to the pattern of walking on all fours.

Anyways, you've managed to hook me. I hope to see more of this in the future.

2490254 Thank you so much for all of the advice. And I understand your concern about the walking. I am actually glad you noticed it, because it has some significance to the plot later in the story. Again, thanks for all the advice :pinkiehappy:

2490517No prob. Glad I could help.:twilightsmile:

You Catch a new reader, me

good story so far. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

And now reading this, Me gusta mucho. you have good prose. It speaks well to exactly what's going on, and paints an efficient picture of the setting and action.

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