• Published 28th Apr 2013
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Dr. Star Wars Chainsaw Massacre: the Next Generation is Magic - GhostWriter17



What happens when Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who, and Texas Chainsaw mix with ponies? EVERYTHING.

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The Doctor Begins His Zany Adventures.

Dr. Too-Long-Of-A-Title-To-Type

Chapter Who Gives A Shit?

By: GhostWriter17

****


One day the Doctor, with his smexy wavy hair and phallic-shaped screwdriver, was riding inside his wife, the TARDIS, having a joyful old time. But he was in need of a companion. His old one, some dumb bitch that screwed him over, left him. So, he decided to search for a new companion to travel with and bang in his or her sleep. Why? Because he's the Doctor, that's why!

Well, through his travels the Doctor locates a spaceship. It's large, almost as large as that tense change many of you probably noticed. This ship was manned by none other than the great Captain Picard. Picard, old and wise as he is, decides to contact the TARDIS, wary of its hostility. The Doctor, that smexy beast, brings up a picture of the great captain. He analyzes what he sees carefully, wondering if such a creature is even worth an ounce of his Doctorly time.

Picard opens his mouth to speak, but before he can say "Borg", Picard and his ship are vaporized! A beam of rainbow-coloured light hits the TARDIS, and sends the Doctor hurling toward another spaceship! This ship, the U.S.S. Enterprise, collides with the TARDIS, and both vessels crash on a not-so-distant planet! They plummet toward the surface, lives in mortal peril! Heat engulfs the damaged ships, impending doom races toward our hero! Why only one hero? Because the Doctor is the only hero! Everyone else is moot. The ships, hurtling toward the ground, race to the planet, breaking through the atmosphere of this unnamed planet. This planet is none other than the-

Hold on.

Apparently this planet has no name.

Well shit on a shingle.

Apparently this place is known only as "Equestria".

Oh, right, the expository tangent is unnecessary because this fanfiction has ponies in it. Spoiler alert, I guess.

But anyway, back to mortal peril and impending doom. The burning projectiles exploded against the ground, sending mountains of dirt, shrapnel, metal, and heat in all directions, creating enormous craters in Equestria's surface. From the rubble, the Doctor stumbled out of his wife, bruised but otherwise unharmed. Apprehensive, the Doctor quite literally wormed his way out of the debris, chomping on soil and burrowing underground, meeting some friendly critters all the while. After such shenanigans were over, and friends had been made, the Doctor decided to check on the Enterprise and see if any lifeforms were still alive. He was in luck, fortune seems to be smiling on the Doctor on this day. Why would fortune smile on the Doctor, you ask? This is because there was one sole survivor of the crash. Due to plot convenience, this survivor happened to be none other than Mister Spock himself!

Spock, who, in comparison to the Doctor, is not nearly as smexy, teleports toward the Doctor with his elven magic. What's that, you say? Spock is a Vulcan? Preposterous! Vulcans are just scientifically inclined space elves! But anyway, the Doctor eyes his potential companion, coming to a conclusion, a smile on his face.

The Vulcan lifts his hand to prepare his Vulcan salute of Vulcanness, to which the Time Lord laughs and says, "Right, there will be none of that. You're my companion, now, okay?" The Vulcan nodded in response, but had a perplexed look on his face.

Spock opened his mouth to speak, but the Doctor interrupted him. "See, this is why you're my companion, and not my friend. You don't speak. Ever. Last time I had a companion, she bitched all the time, so now you can not, and will not, ever speak." The Doctor paused his speech, cleared his throat, and looked at you. "And you! Yes, you, whoever you are! Say what you want about my being out of character, because technically I am not. For I am not a Doctor you may or may not know, but rather I am a new Doctor. A better Doctor. A faster Doctor. A smarter Doctor. I am also, without any doubt whatsoever, the sexiest Doctor of all. Why? Because I can look however you want me to. As long as I'm sexy, I am the best Doctor. So, I implore you: Please make me sexy! You deserve it."

With that, the Doctor turned back to his elven companion. He gave said companion permission to speak, but only of the damage to his ship.

Spock talked with confidence, wisdom, and robotic monotony. "My ship, the U.S.S. Enterprise, was damaged beyond repair. It seems this" he took a deep, sensual breath, "fascinating calamity has destroyed both of our ships. If that weren't enough, I am unable to use any of my technological devices on this planet. Nothing seems to work properly for some reason. I suggest we head out and search for a way back home."

The Doctor cackled awesomely in the others' face. "Well I guess that the conflict has been revealed, then! Fairly cliché, if I do say so myself, which I do." He stated. "However, we mustn't just search the area for a way back home. We must find some local lifeforms on this planet to see if getting home would even be possible at all."

Spock interjected. "But didn't you just meet some critters th-"

"Shut the buck up, Elf!" The Doctor yelled. "My meeting creatures was simply a throwaway joke that was used as a sad attempt at humour, not an important plot point! What is an important plot point, however, is what is about to happen next."

Spock tried to speak again. "Is it the fact you said 'buck' instead of-" he was once again cut off by his leader.

"No, Elf! Those things coming toward us, from above, outside the crater, is an important plot point!" The Doctor pointed upward toward a pair of equine creatures, with large, cartoonish eyes and colour so vivid that even describing their brightness would hurt the eyes! You know what? Screw it, I'll describe these ponies anyway! One was a lavender creature with dark, straight hair on its head and tail. She had a pretentiously annoying, lone purple streak in her hair. Her eyes were retardedly inquisitive looking. She seemed like a major bitch, so the Doctor was hoping he would not have to converse with that one. Unfortunately, the lavender one's companion didn't fare much better.

The other horse creature pony thing was orange with blonde hair and a... cowboy hat? This pony seemed like it wasn't going to be much more of a joy to talk to than its purple friend, either, with its crossed legs and arrogant little smirk. The Doctor concluded that this pony was going to also be a major bitch, but for different reasons. She, at least it seemed like a she, unlike her overly intelligent-looking friend, seemed to be the boring bitch of the two. The Doctor knew that this orange pony was going to be the "hard worker" and the "honest" type, with no true personality whatsoever. Great. So it seemed the Doctor had two choices: Bitch 1 and Bitch 2. And, knowing the weird shit the Doctor has seen before, he had a suspicion these creatures would also have the ability to speak, as well, possibly furthering their bitchiness.

The real question, nevertheless, was which one would open her loud, obnoxious mouth first. The Doctor and his companion, therefore, decided to wait. Another great question, Elf thought, was why the tense of the story kept changing. He saved this thought in his large mind in case something so annoyingly grammatically incorrect would actually turn out to be an important plot point later on. Nevertheless, Elf used his telepathy to advise the Doctor to not speak to the creatures just yet, so not to scare them. The Doctor grinned at this, looking at Elf. He had to admit, even though he could not yet trust Elf, he had the potential to be a decent companion. Maybe, if Elf kept his mouth shut and merely gave some sage advise telepathically, he'd be useful. Maybe. But the Doctor wasn't terribly trusting at this point in his life. So, with that, the Doctor and Elf began their epic non-staring staring contest with the natives.

Time went on. The two pairs just stared at each other for hours, looking over one another without speaking. The Doctor and Elf, refused to speak, to move, if only to see if their ponies-can-speak hypothesis is correct. The orange one grunted a lot, an annoyed grimace on her freckled face. Her green eyes scanned her friend occasionally, while the other just bored her eyes into the Doctor's soul. Those purple eyes were sickeningly hypnotic, much like the feeling one gets when they watch clowns kill each other. Sweat dripped down the purple one's face. Her stare creepily formed into a nervous smile, eyes now filled with bloodshot panic and impatience. She opened her mouth to speak.

"Greetings, silent ones. I am Twilight Sparkle. Welcome to the land of Equestria!" Her voice sounded calm, as if this pony had rehearsed such a line so many times she could say it while drowning underwater. Well shit. Three sentences spoken and she was already ungodly annoying. On top of that, she spoke damned English, furthering her annoyingness. On the plus side, at least they would be able to oh-so conveniently understand what this Twilight character was saying.

However, Twilight was obviously some dumb intellectual type, with her bitchy smile and bitchy greeting. Of all the inhabitants to meet on an unknown planet, the first one the Doctor had to meet was the annoyingly chipper bookworm. Somehow, the Doctor knew that this crash landing was going to be much more than some way to find a way home than he imagined. If this meant spending more time with Bitch 1 and Bitch 2, this was going to be a long adventure.