I just came out with how I identify myself. I have not identified as a boy ever, but I was born one. I wanted everyone to know that I am myself, I will live how I want to, and I am now and forever truly me.
Yeah, the truth is, my mind isn't quite right, right now, because I had to stop taking my usual high doses of estrogen that help me... As such, I have an awful creative block. In the meantime, I've been doing a lot of yoga, meditation, and a little bit of getting high too, if I'm being honest. But fear not, for help is on the way! I've solved my insurance dilemma and early next year, I should be back on my regular pills! In the meantime, I'm stuck here, waiting for things to happen...
I'm going to finish Becoming Fluttershy this year.
When I started writing this story, I was legally male. Erica was just a name I picked for the main character because my middle name back then was Eric. I was a miserable lonely frustrated person who worked too much and had been convinced to watch My Little Pony by their girlfriend.
I know I haven’t posted a new blog post in a while, I try to avoid news over extended breaks because I tend to want to enjoy them and not constantly be barraged with news. Not having social media helps me with that.
I’m right off the heels of Spring Break, and I’m noticing a couple articles that are really not making me feel good.
A changeling is a creature that feeds off love. They are shapeshifters who take different forms in order to drain others of their love. That's an apt metaphor for the way I used to be when I was pretending to be male. I felt like I had to be this "person" that they wanted me to be, or I would lose their love... And the truly messed up thing is, I was right. However, they're all gone by this stage and I'm truly free... In this metaphor, Chrysalis is trying to change into something else because
As I write about Tirek, I remember his first appearance in season 4. I recall how he represented self doubt as he would sap your energy and strength and force you to bow to his will. And I know in this story, he is a metaphor for my "older male self", as in, the self doubt I have at points... Now, like Starshine points out in the unreleased portion, we cannot kill him! After all, to kill him would be to kill myself. And so, the question becomes, what does Scorpan represent now? I think, in a
Many of the transgender allegories used here are fairly obvious. For instance, Twinkle Shine is the name she chose for herself, and therefore, her name is Twinkle Shine now, and not Cozy Glow... Her ghosts are a past reflection of herself, much like my own ghosts are just past reflections of me. They haunt her dreams, and while she cannot get away, she can learn to deal with these nightmares and possibly even make friends with them.
Cozy's psychosis in my story is in reality, a representation about how I feel about being transgender... I feel like I can't just be like everyone else! I feel like I have to be better than that! I feel like life threw me a weird curve ball there and truth be told, it did effectively end my marriage earlier and created a whole new world of struggle for me. But looking back, it did help shape my character and help me develop empathy. Well, there's good and bad in everything yes? I also have a
In Trixie Interviews: The Cozy Glow Story, being trapped in stone is my metaphor for knowing you're transgender and not being able to do anything about it. When she asks Trixie if she can go back to being in stone again, that was me briefly pondering if I should just stop my transition and go back to pretending to be male again... Well, it occurs to me that that made me very unhappy, but at the same time, at least I didn't have all of these worries and anxieties? But the truth I'm starting to
When Cozy was chatting with Princess Luna earlier in my story and she told Luna how she didn't want to be special or different, in reality, that was really me saying that I actually don't want to be transgender... I often wonder, why can't I just be like everypony else you know? Why do I have to be different? I sometimes cry actually because the truth is, I didn't want any of this! I didn't want to lose my wife and life after all, but it happened! Slowly over time, everything decayed... Years
So in my story, Chrysalis is "the changeling." She changes shape to whatever she thinks wants to be seen. She does this to hide her true identity so she can feed on love. This is an interesting allegory for how I felt for a very long time. The assumption is that I need love right? Well, what if I could only get that by pretending to be something else? That's the way I felt for a long time... Like, nobody would accept the real me and so I needed to pretend to be "male" or whatever... I was
I finally came to understand what Cozy Glow really means to me in the last few minutes... Originally portrayed as a "mystery villain" in the series, we never really learned who she was or why she did what she did in the series. That said, I took that opportunity to give her a heavy dose of my own fear and pain. That is, the fear of the world not accepting me and the pain of losing my parents. I'll admit that I legitimately felt sorry for her as I typed those words of her breaking down in
I know I shouldn't concern myself with anything like love or relationships at this stage of my life... I know I need to just let it rest... But I just can't help it! After all that time laying dormant in my life, I feel like something has woken up inside me? This is strange because I was married for six years! And yet, I can't for the life of me, explain the sudden love of lesbian little horse romance?
Growing up I wasn’t really comfortable with being presented as male. It made me feel really uncomfortable and jealous seeing girls wear skirts and do feminine things meanwhile I was forced to like things that were considered masculine even though I’d rather be into more feminine things like playing with girls toys and wanting to dress a girl. Unfortunately, thought my parents were very closed off when it came to expressing my gender back then. Both of them wouldn’t allow me to have anything
I'm suddenly reminded of the time where my parents (in)directly said I'd be dead to them if I were trans-
"If you were to be trans, then we'd have to put an obituary out for Tyrel, and then put out a birth announcement for Felicity. We'd have to take pictures of you in a diaper to put in the paper, Is that what you want?"
I shook my head.
"Because that's what you're asking us to do."
Ughhh
Who wants to listen to a trans album? No one?
Well here you go!
You're welcome no one, and by the way.. I like your hat!
Oh and pleased share with everyone you know, whether you like it or want to make fun of it, and please donate at www.gofundme.com/bitterwords
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