Well hello there. I see you chose the former option. Congratulations; you get to watch as my sanity goes through the shredder. Please remember that it is entirely your own fault and, should you reach your limit, that you may check out at any time.
Like right now.
Right now would probably be a good time.

...

Alright, now that we've guaranteed that anyone who values their time on this planet is gone, it's time for the main event.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Moses ain't got nothing.

And now:

It's time for Theresa and Steve to go back to America. Why they would want to go back is beyond me, but hey, it's their decision, not mine.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Not a lot!

And now:

Theresa and Steve are driven to the Fort Myer uniform shop. She goes for a man's service uniform, presumably the one she's featured in on the cover which, I will remind you, looks like this:

“Hon, you never looked better. It turns me on.”

Oh, Steve.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

North Korea North Korea'd. Theresa Theresa'd.

And now:

This is the big one, folks. Theresa's finally going to fix the wind thing. She's feeling very confident. So confident, in fact, that she invites her gracious hosts, the Parkers, to watch as she saves the world.

She does her thing. They watch, rapt, the television screens which display Theresa's creation in the arctic.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Recap paceR.
And now:

Theresa walks into a meeting room. Blair isn't there. TV cameras are. BAM, I just saved you a page and a half of unimportant description.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa finally became a dictator, fulfilling this series' longest running joke! And also lost her legs. That too.

And now:

Two hundred and four white spheres hovered miles over Eastern Massachusetts.  A little less than a yard wide each and swirling around several yards from each other, they weren’t visible from the ground.

Oh no.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Murder most foul!

And now:

We open the first real chapter with... tennis.

It was only a matter of minutes before Mark Williams made himself look like a fool in front of the camera. Todd Harris borrowed his dad’s video camera for the day, deciding that it would be a good laugh to record Mark’s horrendous tennis skills.

At least it isn't baseball.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Just stay dead, would you?

And now:

Only five chapters to go, folks!

We begin with Craig and Todd, who have just exited the library. Even after all they've been through, Todd doesn't want to go to the Dead Woods.

Seriously, though, when your dad was talking about his dreams, did it never occur to you that the woods he was seeing might have been the spooky, cursed woods?

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Sledgehammers!

And now:

We resume our tale of woe and misery with Craig and Todd on the ground, Detective Eubanks pointing a gun at them. He wants to know what they know.

The detective kept his pistol poised on Craig. “My … partner …” Eubanks wiped his mouth. “My partner …” he began again.
“Are you talking about Underwood?” Craig asked. “What about the prick?”
“D-d-deeead!” Eubanks spat, wiping his mouth again.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Not a whole lot!

And now:

I am excited to announce that we are now one-fifth of the way through the book.

Yeah.

Craig wakes up in the morning and begins to get dressed. He's going to meet his father today. His mother enters the room and gives him a look.

“That poor Kristy,” said Susan shamefully.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

A lot of crying!

And now:

Health update: surgery went well. I can't feel or move my arm. Now I'm really typing with one hand.

The chapter begins with Craig's mother, Susan, finding him curled up on the floor next to his closet, covered by a blanket. Nice of the pillar to give that to him; wouldn't want him to get too cold.

Someone's there to see Craig. It's Kristy, his girlfriend.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Bloodborne disease brothers for life!

And now:

Before we begin today, I have something to share. I noticed something interesting in one of the reviews for The Shadow God:

The back cover copy reads [...] The author photo [...] His bio[...]

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Indecent exposure!

And now:

Craig and Mark are on the road, headed for Spiers' church. Craig decides now's as good a time as any to ask Mark what his sister knows.

Mark kept his eyes on the road, even though he wasn’t driving. “Oh, yeah? Like what? Like how she wants to fuck you or something?”
“No, something a little more serious.”
Mark turned toward him and shrugged. “What’d she say?”

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

A chapter that wasn't totally boring!

And now:

Guess who's back.

Back again.

Theresa's back.

Tell a friend.

Gues who's back, guess who's back, etc. etc.

A month has passed since the Paris trip, and, I quote, 'the oppression of being trapped in this luxurious prison' is getting to Theresa again. Remember how I said that maybe Theresa might solve the wind thing this chapter? Yeah, no. Crops are still dying, folks. Keep that in mind.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Splat!
And now:

So following her daring escape in the last chapter, Theresa wakes up in a hospital bed next to the British Prime Minister.
No, not in the bed. That would be weird.

I slammed my hand on the mattress in frustration.  For eight years I had kept HAL a secret.  My life was ruined.  All I wanted was a quiet life.  I didn’t get it.  What was I supposed to do next?
“I’ll bet my secret is out.”

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Kindle app says we're 12% in. Woohoooooooo.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
First meeting to marriage in a matter of pages.
And now:

Just a reminder, the last chapter ended with this line:

I was driving the car alone one Saturday to go grocery shopping, thinking of the wonderful future waiting for me.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

New York!

And now:

The chapter begins with a New York Times headline and a call from the president. She wants to meet up at the White House. Steve decides this is a bad idea for seemingly no reason and instead requests a representative come to West Point (they're back in West Point, by the way).

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?

And now:

Welcome to the last chapter, folks. It's been a wild ride, hasn't it? Let's see what Mr. Boutin has to play us off.

If you'll recall, Theresa's apparent plan to deal with the new HAL users is to put the ENTIRE WORLD into suspended animation. She began doing this, as usual, without telling anyone and with no one's permission. Could have at least given us some warning, Theresa.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Todd killed a man! Maybe.

And now:

Sorry for the late chapter yesterday, folks. I was busy visiting three different hospitals and a physiotherapy joint. I didn't even get to eat until around 6 PM. Not a good time!

Anyway, we open the twelfth chapter of this masterpiece of a book with Craig running from the hospital to Mark's house, which takes him half an hour. Pretty impressive.

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Previously, on The Shadow God:

Tennis!

And now:

The chapter has a new POV: Craig's previously mentioned friend, Mark. And it begins with the narrator summing up his character again:

He was fascinated with two things and two things only. Sports and girls. Though, he wasn’t very good at either. His coordination was a little off in one and he lacked knowledge in the other. Regardless of the way anyone viewed it, he was in bad shape.

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