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May
15th
2021

The Worst Possible Thing (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 27) · 4:54pm May 15th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa finally became a dictator, fulfilling this series' longest running joke! And also lost her legs. That too.

And now:


Two hundred and four white spheres hovered miles over Eastern Massachusetts.  A little less than a yard wide each and swirling around several yards from each other, they weren’t visible from the ground.

Oh no.

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May
2nd
2021

The Chapter That Nearly Broke Me (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 13) · 5:53pm May 2nd, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

North Korea North Korea'd. Theresa Theresa'd.

And now:


This is the big one, folks. Theresa's finally going to fix the wind thing. She's feeling very confident. So confident, in fact, that she invites her gracious hosts, the Parkers, to watch as she saves the world.

She does her thing. They watch, rapt, the television screens which display Theresa's creation in the arctic.

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Apr
12th
2021

I Can't Believe We're Doing This Again. (RB vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 1) · 2:59pm Apr 12th, 2021

Well hello there. I see you chose the former option. Congratulations; you get to watch as my sanity goes through the shredder. Please remember that it is entirely your own fault and, should you reach your limit, that you may check out at any time.
Like right now.
Right now would probably be a good time.






...






Alright, now that we've guaranteed that anyone who values their time on this planet is gone, it's time for the main event.

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May
11th
2021

In Which RB Gets Angry (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 22) · 5:06pm May 11th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Moses ain't got nothing.

And now:


It's time for Theresa and Steve to go back to America. Why they would want to go back is beyond me, but hey, it's their decision, not mine.

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May
14th
2021

Double Trouble (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapters 25 & 26) · 5:03pm May 14th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Not a lot!

And now:


Theresa and Steve are driven to the Fort Myer uniform shop. She goes for a man's service uniform, presumably the one she's featured in on the cover which, I will remind you, looks like this:

“Hon, you never looked better. It turns me on.”

Oh, Steve.

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Apr
24th
2021

The Dark Side of the Matter (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 7) · 5:51pm Apr 24th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Recap paceR.
And now:


Theresa walks into a meeting room. Blair isn't there. TV cameras are. BAM, I just saved you a page and a half of unimportant description.

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May
1st
2021

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the HAL (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 12) · 4:37pm May 1st, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

A whole lotta math.

And now:


So, small correction: last chapter, I implied that Theresa and Steve were going to make an appearance before the United Nations. This was incorrect, and for that I must apologize. In reality, it's only Steve that's going. Thank you for your patience.

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Report RB_ · 88 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
May
5th
2021

Mr Boutin Doesn't Know How Gases Work (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 16) · 5:07pm May 5th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa causes more problems than she solves? Who woulda guessed!

And now:


I spent a sleepless night.  The unfairness of my position kept the tears flowing.

Thus opens the chapter. Theresa is having a hard time supporting all the weight on her shoulders.

Y'know, we could always try throwing Theresa out of an airplane again. That might fix the problem. Worked last time.

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Report RB_ · 82 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
May
9th
2021

Mr. Boutin Doesn't Know How Deserts Work (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 20) · 5:01pm May 9th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa the oil baron.

And now:


Chapter Twenty! Eight left! Woohoo!

Three weeks have passed, and Theresa's about to raise the land bridge to Crete. She can't just raise it normally, though, the Mediterranean's too deep. Whatever 'raising it normally' even means in this context anymore.

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May
3rd
2021

Speech! Speech! Speech! (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 14) · 5:53pm May 3rd, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa decided that winter is optional.

And now:


Hoo boy. That last chapter sure was a doozy, huh? Let's see what Mr. Boutin has in store for us today.

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Apr
29th
2021

Preparations (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 10) · 5:56pm Apr 29th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Mr. Boutin took a filler chapter to shit on France.

And now:


You may be wondering why there's a new chapter today. Well, given the new format, and smaller chapters in the book, entries of this series are going to be kind of short for a while. As such, I've decided to switch to a daily schedule. I hope that's okay with everyone.

Anyway, on with the show!


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Report RB_ · 113 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
Apr
22nd
2021

Are You Sad Yet (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 6) · 6:23pm Apr 22nd, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:
The fatal flaw of wind turbines: the eradication of any and all wind, anywhere on the planet, by an alien. Take that, green energy!
And now:


I was getting depressed.  This BBC program had been giving me nothing but bad news.  Did anything go right in this world?

That's typically how news works, yes.

The United States was also in a terrible mood.

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May
13th
2021

It's War, Gentlemen (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 24) · 5:11pm May 13th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

New York!

And now:


The chapter begins with a New York Times headline and a call from the president. She wants to meet up at the White House. Steve decides this is a bad idea for seemingly no reason and instead requests a representative come to West Point (they're back in West Point, by the way).

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Report RB_ · 98 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
May
16th
2021

At Last, the Final (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 28) · 4:53pm May 16th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!?

And now:


Welcome to the last chapter, folks. It's been a wild ride, hasn't it? Let's see what Mr. Boutin has to play us off.

If you'll recall, Theresa's apparent plan to deal with the new HAL users is to put the ENTIRE WORLD into suspended animation. She began doing this, as usual, without telling anyone and with no one's permission. Could have at least given us some warning, Theresa.

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Report RB_ · 97 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
Apr
30th
2021

Mathematical Absurdity (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 11) · 5:20pm Apr 30th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

A chapter that wasn't totally boring!

And now:


Guess who's back.

Back again.

Theresa's back.

Tell a friend.

Gues who's back, guess who's back, etc. etc.

A month has passed since the Paris trip, and, I quote, 'the oppression of being trapped in this luxurious prison' is getting to Theresa again. Remember how I said that maybe Theresa might solve the wind thing this chapter? Yeah, no. Crops are still dying, folks. Keep that in mind.

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Report RB_ · 122 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
Apr
20th
2021

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 5) · 5:04pm Apr 20th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:
Splat!
And now:


So following her daring escape in the last chapter, Theresa wakes up in a hospital bed next to the British Prime Minister.
No, not in the bed. That would be weird.

I slammed my hand on the mattress in frustration.  For eight years I had kept HAL a secret.  My life was ruined.  All I wanted was a quiet life.  I didn’t get it.  What was I supposed to do next?
“I’ll bet my secret is out.”

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Report RB_ · 112 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
Apr
18th
2021

What's the Opposite of Social Distancing (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 4) · 6:16pm Apr 18th, 2021

Kindle app says we're 12% in. Woohoooooooo.
Previously, on Empress Theresa:
First meeting to marriage in a matter of pages.
And now:


Just a reminder, the last chapter ended with this line:

I was driving the car alone one Saturday to go grocery shopping, thinking of the wonderful future waiting for me.

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Report RB_ · 108 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
May
6th
2021

The One Where Theresa Goes Mad With Power (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 17) · 5:09pm May 6th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Xenon: warrior gas.

And now:


Hey.

Hey.

You know how Theresa keeps making new problems for herself with every problem she 'solves'?

Yeah, so now she's getting sued.

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Report RB_ · 91 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
May
4th
2021

Finally, Consequences (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 15) · 5:03pm May 4th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa whined to Parliament for half an hour.

And now:


This chapter begins with a question: what happened to President Martin?

The answer is given in the paragraph after the paragraph after the question is asked: not a lot. He's doing okay. That's the entirety of that line of thought.

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Report RB_ · 99 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
May
7th
2021

The Terrorists Go Out of Business (RB Vs. Empress Theresa, Chapter 18) · 5:13pm May 7th, 2021

Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Vehicular vengeance.

And now:


Did I know what I was doing?  Heck no!

Well, at least she admits it.

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Report RB_ · 95 views · #RB Vs. #Empress Theresa
Viewing 1 - 20 of 27 results