In case you're wondering why that's the title of this blog post, yesterday marked one year since that arrogant asshole of a mod who is an artist from the NiGHTS fandom kicked me out of their Discord server.
I sympathized with their situation and expressed how I feel about it but their reaction rubbed me the wrong way.
Twilight is already a Princess in my story, and I'm taking A Dog and Pony Show and wedging it in.
In the most seamless way possible.
Just so you know.
As Bella drifts away, she hears the sounds of a fight. Then she concludes she’s dead, because she hears the voice of an angel. Guess who the “angel” is. You never thought you were dead before when you heard his voice, why start now? And, seriously, even when it’s obvious it’s Edward, she keeps referring to him as “the angel” for pages. It might’ve been to convey her state of shock, but it didn’t do a very good job. Anyway, Edward, Carlisle, and Alice work together to try to stem Bella’s
If it means this book is finally over, yes it’s happy.
…snrk. Yeah, right.
Bella turns into a vampire and it hurts.
And that’s literally the whole chapter.
I am not fucking kidding.
We go back to Bella’s perspective right as she vomits blood. We get a brief recap of what she saw from the last chapter, only with a lot of descriptions of pain. Bella manages to cling to consciousness long enough to see (blalgh) Renesmee before blacking out.
…There really aren’t. This is ugly.
Edward and Carlisle are unable to find Irina, so they let the matter drop. Days go by with nothing bad happening, so the Cullens decide to go about business as usual. But one day, while arranging some vases, Alice gets a vision so shocking that she drops one: the Volturi are coming for the Cullens. All of them. They’ll be arriving in about a month. Because there’s so many of them, it can’t just be to check up on Bella’s current life/undeath status; it’s about Nessie. When Irina saw Nessie
Too-much-bullshit alert.
Jacob, Leah, and Seth run another patrol around the Cullen house, and I feel like I’ve said something along those lines twenty times in the past eight chapters. Leah awkwardly thanks Jacob for putting up with her and promises to try to not get on his nerves. They do nothing of consequence for nine pages and this book is so padded a La-Z-Boy factory would find it excessive. Eventually, Leah speaks up again:
To explain Carlisle and his past to Bella more, Edward takes her into Carlisle’s room, to show her some pictures of the time period. Carlisle himself is still there, reading, and the only reason he doesn’t tell the story himself is because he’s running late. To his job as a doctor. Where he saves people’s lives. BECAUSE HE WAS READING.
As Bella and Edward head back to her house, Edward promptly gives us another reason to hate his guts while listening to the radio:
“You like fifties music?” I asked.
“Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!” He shuddered.
So…
…these…
As the weather turns drizzly, Bella and Edward go back to Bella’s house, only to find Jacob and Billy waiting there. Edward reads Billy’s mind and learns that he’s there to warn Charlie about Bella and Edward being together. See, Bella? You should’ve told him earlier. Edward leaves before the Blacks can see him. When Bella enters her house, Billy’s supposedly there to deliver Charlie some fish fry, but he quickly shoos Jacob back to their car under the pretense of looking for a picture so he
The epilogue begins some time after the previous chapter; Bella’s up and about, but her leg hasn’t quite fully healed yet. She’s in a nice dress (dressed and made up by Alice), and Edward’s in a tuxedo, and he’s driving her somewhere, and she doesn’t know where. When she realizes he’s taking her to the prom, she has a hissy fit and actually starts crying before Edward tells her to humor him. Bella still sulks, though:
Technically, this isn’t the first chapter; there’s a few-paragraph “preface” before it. But I only needed to read a few words to know that it was from the climax of the book. Why include it? I don’t know anyone in it, there’s no context, and it’s not long enough to get me invested in an in medias res thing. Also, a hunter is described as “sauntering” to his would-be kill for some reason. I skipped it.
As soon as Bella and her friends get to Port Angeles, dress-shopping ensues. Given the subject matter and book, it’s not as insufferable as you might think it is, and largely skipped over. During the shopping, Bella hears from Angela that the Cullens are often out of school when the weather’s nice, as they frequently go backpacking.
Why didn’t I just stop reading? Oh, right, because I’m a glutton for punishment.
That describes most of the book. Most of the series, actually.
Aro and Caius, another one of the Volturi, discuss Nessie, and Bella overhears. Aro is adamant that Nessie isn’t an immortal child and the Cullens don’t deserve to die for that. Then Caius brings up the werewolves:
More and more vamps start hanging out at the Cullens’. Naturally, they need to hunt humans. Jacob’s miffed at the killing, but he shuts up for Nessie’s sake. In the space of three sentences. Really:
Before Charlie leaves, he and Bella briefly talk about how much to tell Renee. They decide no more than is necessary; Charlie says he’ll think of something. He asks to hold Nessie for a moment, and… Ugh, this is creepy:
I could see it in his face — I could watch it growing there. (I know, you just said it.) Charlie was just as helpless against her magic as the rest of us. Two seconds in his arms, and already she owned him.
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