Bella gets a new house for her birthday and it’s purty.

That’s it.

I FUCKING HATE THIS BOOK.

Well, okay. That’s not completely it. It does have one of the better Alice moments, where she and Edward have both gotten Bella gifts and each wants to give theirs first:

“I know — I’ll play you for it,” Alice suggested. “Rock, paper, scissors.”

Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed.

“Why don’t you just tell me who wins?” Edward said wryly.

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Bella’s so over-the-moon about Edward taking her to Seattle that she’s late for class. She spends the next few hours in an Edward-induced haze. In the cafeteria at lunch, he asks her to sit with him and says he’s giving up trying to avoid her. Even though he still says they should stay away. No, he doesn’t say why. Bella changes the subject, admitting she’s trying to figure out what Edward’s deal is; she guesses a lot of stuff related to superheroes. It goes back and forth for a few pages and

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At school, Bella has to endure comments about her fainting during the blood test, even though someone else also had to be taken to the nurse’s office. One of her friends makes fun of her for it and still expects Bella to tell her about what Edward wanted to talk about during lunch. Oh, and the worst part of the day is that Edward isn’t there (he’s going hunting over the weekend and left early). Seriously, she describes gloom engulfing her. How many times have you talked to him again? Three?

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At home, Bella tries to avoid thinking about Edward, so she… Well, just read this. Stuff like this is why Twilight is as long as it is:

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When Bella wakes up the next morning, it’s incredibly foggy. Edward’s waiting for her in the driveway, ready to take her to school, and we get crap like this:

I noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just a light gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.

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Bella enters her house and begins packing as best she can, all while screaming out the door about how she hates Edward. Charlie keeps trying to ask what’s going on, but Bella’s nearly incoherent, yelling that she hates Forks and wants to go back to Phoenix. Then Charlie drops a bombshell: her mother, Renee, might be back in Phoenix at the end of the week, as Renee’s husband is having trouble finding a job in Florida (he’s a minor league baseball player, in case you’ve forgotten), but an Arizona

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Bella awakes in a hotel in Phoenix at three in the morning. Thinking back, her memories of the trip are a haze, and she vaguely remembers falling asleep. Alice and Jasper sit and watch TV, waiting for a call from Carlisle about an update, any update. Bella has some anxiety over the Cullens going against James (five against two isn’t bad odds!), but Alice says their only fear is losing Bella, because:

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Bella wakes up in a hospital, Edward at her side. According to him, she’s got a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, and bruises everywhere, on top of losing a lot of blood. The explanation he gave to the doctors and Bella’s parents is that she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. Supposedly, that could plausibly happen to her.

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Bella has another dream about the immortal child, again with the Volturi coming for him, only this time she feels powerful and wants to protect him. Why? ’Cause he’s purty? Didn’t you hear about all the destruction they could cause? The Volturi are trying to keep vampires secret and keep humans from hunting them down. It’s not like they’re stomping around, going, “No fun allowed!” It’s like they’re trying to keep you from skating somewhere because that somewhere is a minefield. When she wakes

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You know things are even worse when you feel tired for complaining about all the padding.

Jacob arrives at the Cullens’ and finds a fresh set of clothes waiting for him. As he’d torn his last set changing when he left the house last chapter, he’s grateful. He re-enters the living room and finds that it’s back to mostly normal, with no hospital bed or anything. Bella hears Jacob enter and her face lights up.

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What do I look like? A writer? You need some good prose? You need some good characters? TOO BAD. They’re mine. You’re not getting anything.

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Waiting for the damn book to end already. Notice something different about the chapter title? For the next ten or so chapters, the book’s narrated by Jacob instead of Bella. And if he’s anything like he was at the end of Eclipse, this is going to be painful. VERY. VERY. PAINFUL.

There’s a “preface” for this section, too. This is it, in its entirety:

Life sucks, and then you die.

Yeah, I should be so lucky.

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I highly encourage critique of my work! I'm not a toddler and won't throw a tantrum. All I ask is that if you take the time to write a comment, good or bad, please pull from my work so I know what you're talking about and can make changes. I'm hear to learn and to pass valuable advise along, so feel free to share what you know, and I will do the same. Thanks so much!

Yup, that's right. Fresh outta the oven and shiner than Rarity's coiffed mane.

Get your chapter here!

You know you want too~

So. Last book. Here we go.

Clinginess Meter: 0

I hate hate hate hate hate these prefaces. How not to do prologues. Skipping.

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The moment Bella wakes up, she realizes she can everything much more clearly than she could as a human. Everything’s sharply-defined and she can notice things that were too small before. It’s an interesting idea, but like many interesting ideas in this series, it’s botched. Like in this description:

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As Bella and Edward drive home from Port Angeles, they begin discussing Edward’s mind-reading. Bella brings up why he can’t hear her thoughts, and Edward admits he doesn’t know.

”The only guess I have is that maybe your mind doesn’t work the same way the rest of theirs do. Like your thoughts are on the AM frequency and I’m only getting FM.”

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Bella and Edward share some weak lovey-dovey flirting in biology class. It seems like the teacher had the class watch a movie just so Bella and Edward wouldn’t be interrupted while gazing into each others’ eyes. When school’s done, they leave to see a bunch of people clustered around Rosalie’s car, proving once again that people trying to hide out shouldn’t be driving flashy cars, you idiots.

“What kind of car is that?” I asked.

“An M3.”

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Billy and Jacob are supposedly at Bella’s house to watch a game on TV with Charlie, since their own TV is broken (although Jacob’s partly there because Billy can’t drive; he’s confined to a wheelchair). During the visit, Bella’s constantly afraid that Billy will tell Charlie about Edward, but he doesn’t. Jacob flirts slightly with Bella, and they leave once the game’s over. That was a whole lot of nothing.

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Let it be known that I’m not a big fan of vampires. I don’t hate them, they’re just sort of “meh” to me. And since I don’t care about them, I don’t mind changes to the formula all that much as long as they don’t stray too far from the base. If they don’t drink blood, for example, they better depend on something else. Emotions? Yeah, emotion-eating vampires are fine.

That being said, there’s no way to make sparkling vampires not stupid.

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