…There really aren’t. This is ugly.

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Edward and Carlisle are unable to find Irina, so they let the matter drop. Days go by with nothing bad happening, so the Cullens decide to go about business as usual. But one day, while arranging some vases, Alice gets a vision so shocking that she drops one: the Volturi are coming for the Cullens. All of them. They’ll be arriving in about a month. Because there’s so many of them, it can’t just be to check up on Bella’s current life/undeath status; it’s about Nessie. When Irina saw Nessie

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Too-much-bullshit alert.

Jacob, Leah, and Seth run another patrol around the Cullen house, and I feel like I’ve said something along those lines twenty times in the past eight chapters. Leah awkwardly thanks Jacob for putting up with her and promises to try to not get on his nerves. They do nothing of consequence for nine pages and this book is so padded a La-Z-Boy factory would find it excessive. Eventually, Leah speaks up again:

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To explain Carlisle and his past to Bella more, Edward takes her into Carlisle’s room, to show her some pictures of the time period. Carlisle himself is still there, reading, and the only reason he doesn’t tell the story himself is because he’s running late. To his job as a doctor. Where he saves people’s lives. BECAUSE HE WAS READING.

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As Bella and Edward head back to her house, Edward promptly gives us another reason to hate his guts while listening to the radio:

“You like fifties music?” I asked.

“Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!” He shuddered.

So…

…these…

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As the weather turns drizzly, Bella and Edward go back to Bella’s house, only to find Jacob and Billy waiting there. Edward reads Billy’s mind and learns that he’s there to warn Charlie about Bella and Edward being together. See, Bella? You should’ve told him earlier. Edward leaves before the Blacks can see him. When Bella enters her house, Billy’s supposedly there to deliver Charlie some fish fry, but he quickly shoos Jacob back to their car under the pretense of looking for a picture so he

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The epilogue begins some time after the previous chapter; Bella’s up and about, but her leg hasn’t quite fully healed yet. She’s in a nice dress (dressed and made up by Alice), and Edward’s in a tuxedo, and he’s driving her somewhere, and she doesn’t know where. When she realizes he’s taking her to the prom, she has a hissy fit and actually starts crying before Edward tells her to humor him. Bella still sulks, though:

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Technically, this isn’t the first chapter; there’s a few-paragraph “preface” before it. But I only needed to read a few words to know that it was from the climax of the book. Why include it? I don’t know anyone in it, there’s no context, and it’s not long enough to get me invested in an in medias res thing. Also, a hunter is described as “sauntering” to his would-be kill for some reason. I skipped it.

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As soon as Bella and her friends get to Port Angeles, dress-shopping ensues. Given the subject matter and book, it’s not as insufferable as you might think it is, and largely skipped over. During the shopping, Bella hears from Angela that the Cullens are often out of school when the weather’s nice, as they frequently go backpacking.

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Why didn’t I just stop reading? Oh, right, because I’m a glutton for punishment.

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That describes most of the book. Most of the series, actually.

Aro and Caius, another one of the Volturi, discuss Nessie, and Bella overhears. Aro is adamant that Nessie isn’t an immortal child and the Cullens don’t deserve to die for that. Then Caius brings up the werewolves:

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More and more vamps start hanging out at the Cullens’. Naturally, they need to hunt humans. Jacob’s miffed at the killing, but he shuts up for Nessie’s sake. In the space of three sentences. Really:

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Before Charlie leaves, he and Bella briefly talk about how much to tell Renee. They decide no more than is necessary; Charlie says he’ll think of something. He asks to hold Nessie for a moment, and… Ugh, this is creepy:

I could see it in his face — I could watch it growing there. (I know, you just said it.) Charlie was just as helpless against her magic as the rest of us. Two seconds in his arms, and already she owned him.

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Edward keeps Bella busy on the island for days, with things like snorkeling and hiking and birdwatching, and she’s tired a lot. One night, Bella suggests waiting a little more for her to be turned; she wants to try out Dartmouth a bit, stay human for longer than she’d expected. Why? So she and Edward can bang some more. Hate hate hate.

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Some authors just don’t grasp the concept of “unedited”.

It’s morning. Jacob and Seth have been patrolling off and on throughout the night, one of them sleeping while the other runs. Jacob’s wrenched from his fitful sleep by Seth’s howling; Leah’s also joined their pack. For some reason, Jacob and Seth both act like this is a bad thing.

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We don’t get to see Bella and Jacob throw down, which might’ve been impressive. We don’t even get to see them get pulled apart. We cut to after the incident, where Edward and Seth have already intervened and stopped Bella, although Bella broke Seth’s arm. Edward praises her for keeping control over herself for as long as she did. Shut up with the amazing control part. I don’t care if it’s true, I’m tired of hearing it. Bella tries to calm herself down from her spat by thinking over some

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Bella’s and Edward’s honeymoon takes them to Brazil; specifically, Rio de Janeiro. They head to the ocean docks on the western edge of the city. The ocean on the western edge of a city in Brazil. Really:

The taxi continued through the swarming crowds until they thinned somewhat, and we appeared to be nearing the extreme western edge of the city, heading into the ocean.

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So, this is my test to see if I can use Google Forms... if you don't wish to participate, then do not; if you do, then hooray.

Click on this text now.

It's said that one of the best ways to improve your writing is to read. It helps expose you to new ideas and styles and can inspire you. It's also said that it's easier to define why something is bad than why something is good. Declaring something to be bad usually has very concrete reasoning behind it, while declaring something to be good can be a lot more nebulous.

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