Previously, on Empress Theresa:

How can I best explain how little happened in so many, many words?

And now:

Before we begin, I have some news.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa the oil baron.

And now:

Chapter Twenty! Eight left! Woohoo!

Three weeks have passed, and Theresa's about to raise the land bridge to Crete. She can't just raise it normally, though, the Mediterranean's too deep. Whatever 'raising it normally' even means in this context anymore.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa causes more problems than she solves? Who woulda guessed!

And now:

I spent a sleepless night.  The unfairness of my position kept the tears flowing.

Thus opens the chapter. Theresa is having a hard time supporting all the weight on her shoulders.

Y'know, we could always try throwing Theresa out of an airplane again. That might fix the problem. Worked last time.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Mr. Boutin took a filler chapter to shit on France.

And now:

You may be wondering why there's a new chapter today. Well, given the new format, and smaller chapters in the book, entries of this series are going to be kind of short for a while. As such, I've decided to switch to a daily schedule. I hope that's okay with everyone.

Anyway, on with the show!

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

Theresa decided that winter is optional.

And now:

Hoo boy. That last chapter sure was a doozy, huh? Let's see what Mr. Boutin has in store for us today.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:
The fatal flaw of wind turbines: the eradication of any and all wind, anywhere on the planet, by an alien. Take that, green energy!
And now:

I was getting depressed.  This BBC program had been giving me nothing but bad news.  Did anything go right in this world?

That's typically how news works, yes.

The United States was also in a terrible mood.

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Previously, on Empress Theresa:

A whole lotta math.

And now:

So, small correction: last chapter, I implied that Theresa and Steve were going to make an appearance before the United Nations. This was incorrect, and for that I must apologize. In reality, it's only Steve that's going. Thank you for your patience.

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The excitement of the nuke is behind us now, so let's see what happens in the aftermath.

With absolutely no lead in, Theresa wakes up in a hospital with Prime Minister Peter Blair standing next to her bed. She correctly guesses that the secret of HAL is out.

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After watching her BBC montage, Theresa wonders if anything can go right in this world (while we wonder if anything can go right in this story). Apparently she has a ‘trademarked’ funny face, because her shopping assistant, Nancy, begins to laugh at how an eighteen year old with no experience in anything is supposed to take on such big responsibility. 

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This is the one, people! The author has promised that this is the chapter where it hits the fan and something finally happens!

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Instead of anything interesting, we are dragged through Theresa’s time at college. Boston College, to be exact. This is in alignment with the author’s Christian beliefs, Boston College being a Jesuit institution. We are then treated to a whole page’s worth of infodump about BC which Boutin seems to have gleaned from the introductory paragraph on the college’s wikipedia page. There is no reason for us to know any of this, unless the story concerns exactly the number of how many undergrads there

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Okay. Whew! The story’s back on track. No more interviews or BBC montages to fill in exposition. Here’s a tip for anyone who decides to write a story with a first person narrative: the entire story happens from the perspective of the narrating character. This means that there’s no room for exposition to fill in any blanks that the character might not know about. Theresa even says at the beginning of the story that she doesn’t know how some things happened because she wasn’t there, even though

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Okay. Vacation time’s over, people. And all Theresa can say about it is that France and Ireland should have been nicer to her. Now she’s ready to get back to the grueling grind of trying to move coins with her mind. She describes it as the most boring and frustrating thing that she had ever done. (I promise you that reading about it is even worse). She’s most frustrated by her lack of any kind of progress, which might not have happened if she didn’t take so much time off to go visit countries

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Somewhere out of the blue of left field at the eleventh hour, we are introduced to an attorney from New York named Connie McKesson. Apparently there is a class action lawsuit being filed against Theresa by greedy capitalists who thought that investing in gold was the safest thing to do, only to have the value of their investment plummet because of Theresa bringing in all that extra gold from space.

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Scherzer goes back to his home country and assures the Israeli people that Theresa will help, and that anyone who challenges her is a fool, because she has the power to destroy the world. Since we already know how powerful Theresa is, and how beloved she is by the general populace, and how anyone who dares oppose her is humiliated or jailed, any potential conflict that can come of this is pretty much voided, no matter what the author tries to throw in.

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Here we are at the last chapter of this literary abortion. The world starts to panic as Theresa’s plan to put everyone into a deep sleep begins to gradually overtake the globe. However, Stinson and Blair, Theresa two biggest, lame-brained, lobotomized, numbnuts cheerleaders assure the entire world population that while it may seem like a bad thing, nothing that Theresa does can ever be bad, and that Theresa can only be good and do good. Why is this a good thing? Because Theresa needs time to

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A month has passed. Humanity has less than a year to live now. Theresa’s progress on getting HAL to make the wind blow again? She has learned how to juggle…I wish I was joking about this. I learned how to juggle years ago, and I have not stirred up so much as a mild zephyr. Boutin also shows that he doesn’t know how archery works. Incidentally, I also learned how to do that about a year ago when my niece taught me. Back to the point, Theresa seems to be taking into account every factor

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The chapter opens with a pseudo-intellectual quote that only turns out to be Theresa boasting about her greatness. Then she boasts about all of the good things that he has in her life, probably as a way to justify how great she is. Then she basks in the praises that people heap upon her as she does pretty much nothing to turn North Korea into a democracy, but says that she does and expects us to take her word for it. Show. Don’t tell. Put up or shut up. She does tell us that she plans to make

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Okay, the excitement of air travel is behind us. Theresa can now proceed to meet her parents unscathed.

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Looks like I was wrong about Theresa being back on her feet already. Hey, even the best of us are wrong sometimes. Instead, something very unexpected happens. In fact, it’s so unexpected because there was absolutely no evidence to suggest that any such thing would ever happen at any point in the book. Especially not in the second to last chapter! All of a sudden, hundreds of HALs come drifting down out of the sky like little snowflakes. That came out of nowhere. This might be a clever plot

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