Story Synopsis:

Sunset Shimmer, Celestia’s ambitious pupil, had been obsessed with the magic mirror Celestia had shown her, but her mentor was constantly rejecting her questions about it, so she decided to seek the answers herself.

She entered the forbidden section of the castle library, planning on learning at the forbidden knowledge for herself.

However, before she could cross the line, she remembered what the mirror had shown her at the end and considered the risk she was putting on everything she had achieved so far.

Finally, she decided to abandon her search and remain at Celestia’s side, achieving her dreams and ambitions with her teachings.

However, not long after her decision, she noticed a distance between her and Celestia, and it only got worse when one day, Celestia announced she had taken a new student under her wing, one that is much more like what the princess wanted her to be.

Initial Thoughts: 

The first is that that’s quite a lengthy synopsis provided. The Sleepless Beholder may want to consider trimming it to one or two paragraphs at most, as it summarizes both the lead-up to what I can only assume is the conflict of the story, and the effect thereafter. 

The second thought is the tags the author has chosen. Based on the description, I can certainly justify Drama and Sad, but Comedy seems a bit out there. But, of course, that’s just an assumption made prior to reading, so with any luck the story will justify such a choosing. 

At the time of writing, the story has six chapters, so I will be basing this review on those six. 

Post-reading: This review runs the risk of growing very long and very critical, but that’s because there’s a lot of potential in this story that needs to be drawn out.

What Works:

Characterization, by far, is the strongest feature of this story. The Sleepless Beholder writes a consistent Sunset Shimmer, whose intelligence and prowess is on full display. She is logical, driven, and aware of her potential, which makes her moments of self-actualization a real pleasure. When Princess Luna inevitably shows up, she also has a good characterization, taking part as the side-mentor to Celestia’s typical role, becoming, in a way, a catalyst for Sunset’s potential growth. 

As an exploration of an alternative universe where Sunset does not become power-hungry, I think the idea was just marvelous in general. It sets up Sunset becoming Twilight’s mentor nicely, and they play off one another like sisters. It’s also interesting that Sunset immediately recognizes that Twilight is not necessarily her “enemy” or “rival.” Sunset realizes that Twilight “didn’t deserve to be in the crossfire.”, a fact stated at the end of the first chapter. In this way, she takes on a somewhat maternal role towards young Twilight, a fact that carries itself through the years as both grow older. 

I found myself surprised that I did not question this part. I think part of it is because Sunset’s fear of becoming a monster was done strongly, such that this response, an aversion to jealousy, seems natural enough, or at least is something that a pony as logical and as straightforward as Sunset could perform. It is worth praising the author for this strong characterization. 

What Might Need Work:

This is a hard point to say, because it is a hard point to describe, at least in one word. The prose comes off as unnatural at many instances. That is to say, it seems to try and sound archaic, with the use of longer sentences and many dependent clauses. This problem bleeds primarily into both the narration of the story and the dialogue between characters, with lines coming off as stilted and, well, unnatural. 

I choose this example from Chapter Three, “Am I a Monster?”:

”Let’s see. We have a hat, a piece of butter with pink hair, cotton candy on legs, a marshmallow, and a rainbow. What a colorful bunch of weirdos.”

In theory, I understand what is trying to be accomplished. It’s supposed to be a humorous remark on the part of Sunset, who is rendering the rest of the Mane Six into comedic analogies. However, the fact that 1) she says it out loud (indicated by the quotation marks) and that 2) she says it without much grace works against this intent. The humor is lost in the stilted action of the dialogue itself, and this can be said to be true for all the other moments where humor is intended.

This isn’t to say that the humor is bad, but the idea behind the humor actually fails to formulate past its conception. I get the sense that the author is trying to inject the humor naturally into the circumstances of the story, but because this injection is coupled with a lot of effects that were garnered by technical issues, the humor does not come off as funny. (Admittedly, I’m not particularly inclined towards writing humor, so I can’t offer up a better suggestion other than “Make it sound natural.”) 

However, the faulty humor is not itself a complete fault. As I stated above, the writing itself just sounds unnatural at points. While I can attempt to dissect each sentence to provide some manner of explanation, it is difficult to do so without some critical assumptions. 

Firstly, the archaic nature of the writing may signify an attempt to return to either Shakespearan or otherwise older, longer portrayals of English. Secondly, it may be an attempt to convey a manner of authority with the writing, by taking on an almost outsider tone throughout. In some circumstances, this can work, but there’s one fundamental issue with that: the fact that Sunset Shimmer is our perspective-holder.

Even though this is an alternative universe, the voice of Sunset Shimmer as we have come to know her doesn’t shine through. The archaic nature of the prose works against the natural voice of the character, and while the characterization is strong, it is dissolute when compared to interpreted canon. Moreover, it works against rare moments where Sunset’s rebellious, independent streak shows itself. 

I have issues with that streak, too. For as much as I agree with is conceptual usage, I find it unappealing in the moments it shows up. Too much of Sunset’s dialogue seems to be spent on blaming Celestia. This would be justified, to an extent, if it wasn’t the fact that the whole premise is that Sunset decides to follow, rather than rebel, her old mentor. Fundamentally the dialogue screams “What’s wrong with you?” but without much grace or polish. It may be emotionally necessary, but I don’t think it should have been portrayed with such rambunctious prose—the effect is alarmingly amateurish writing, and it was hard to take the matter seriously.

Part of that may also have to do with the attempted juxtaposition between the dramatic moments, the sad moments, and the comedic moments. Such moments are hard enough to juggle on their own, and combined, it is understandable that they might not mesh well. Specifically, I recall the manner by which The Sleepless Beholder wrote the scenes in the second chapter, where Sunset blows up Twilight’s doors (a comedic moment), to her confronting Celestia about sending Twilight away (a dramatic moment). Not much “breathing room” is given to the reader to feel the full ramifications of either, and while this can work in some instances, here it doesn’t, because of the conflicting types of pacing and genre context.

There is one final point which seemed to slowly pervade throughout the piece, and I’m not sure if it’s my imagination or the actual intent of the author… but Sunset Shimmer seems to exist to fix problems with Season 1 of MLP rather than, well, act in a way that is becoming of her in this alternate take.

For example, there’s this scene in “I’m Liking This Town” wherein Sunset confronts the Mane Six for trying to pressure Twilight into giving one or another her second ticket to the Grand Galloping Gala. The premise is funny, but the delivery feels as though Sunset is, again, blaming rather than interacting with and/or reacting to the situation. She practically yells at the Six, gets them to feel guilty, decries their behavior—that’s the pattern of many fix-fics. This is partially subverted by the fact that Sunset sets up the situation so as to make Twilight believe that the only ponies who go to the Gala are Special Someponies, but the humor seems out of place given the accusatory stance Sunset takes up. 

So the question, then, is this: is this story a representation of an author’s alternative take on a what-if situation, wherein Sunset Shimmer is given adequate time and space to explore and be explored? Or is this a fix-fic disguised as an Alternative Universe Anthology wherein Sunset takes the place as the speaker for many fan criticisms? Where is the story’s focus? 

This last point seems to be something that the author is well aware of though, since, at the end of the last posted chapter (“Fairy Godmother”), there’s this section:

After hearing all the apologies, Sunset decided to return home and get some well-deserved sleep, but as she pulled the covers over her body, a thought couldn’t get out of her mind.

“Am I the fairy godmother of friendship?” she asked to nopony in particular.

She had been helping Twilight with her friendship problems since day one, and now she even fixed Pinkie’s and Rainbow’s problem with Gilda.

Was this her role in the whole magical friendship thing? To give aid to whoever needs it? And then get…

Sunset frowned. “Nothing, I’m getting nothing.”

However self-aware the piece is of this glaring issue, if it isn’t addressed, then the story will fall flat. It is important that the author works the plot from that angle. You can’t have a character be a spokesperson forever, because that just ruins character development, as well as plot progression, because there are only so many criticisms and “fix-it-fallacies” you can make before the whole story falls apart under its own presumptions of what ought to work. 

The central point is that if Sunset’s character is written only as a juxtaposition towards “fixing” things seen in the first season, then her character is not a character, but a caricature. This is bad, because Sunset is our main character through and through. Her development should serve her own needs, not the needs of an outside critic or entity of that sort. 

There are a couple smaller issues I had, such as Sunset growing thestral wings and effectively becoming a bat-alicorn. That seems a bit OP, but I understand that thematically it’s meant to tie her in to Nightmare Moon. My guess is that this transformation will play a much more literal role in the future, perhaps forcing Sunset to choose. Yet her magical prowess is questionable, because even though we can assume she is at least as powerful as Twilight Sparkle, we don’t know if either character has the ability to incur such a transformation easily. Sunset seems to do it without much effort on her part, which is concerning, and borders Mary Sue—but with a little bit of revision and exploration, I think this can be fixed.

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I thank you deeply for such a lengty take on the story.

I'm glad a lot of things that I'm trying to put on the table are getting trough, and I will give some explanation to some points that even so I will look carefully from now onwards.

Frist the elephant in the room; Sunset is not an alicorn, it's just a transformation like the one Rarity had that gave her butterfly wings.
it doesn't make her an alicorn nor give her the power of one, which I showed when she tried to fight Nightmare Moon and didn't even harm her.
I knew this was probably going to come up sooner or later, so I may clarify it later.

Firstly, the archaic nature of the writing may signify an attempt to return to either Shakespearan or otherwise older, longer portrayals of English.

This whole package of problems sadly is simple and complicated at the same time; English is not my first language, and I have started writing in this language since the start of the quarantine, so much of the 'style' I suppose it's just years of reading and hearing stories and conversations in English, which can probably make a sort of soup of styles or something like what you describe.
Not sure how to fix it more than just keep developing it by writing.

but Sunset Shimmer seems to exist to fix problems with Season 1 of MLP rather than, well, act in a way that is becoming of her in this alternate take

This is in fact intentional, as you mention, in the end of the last chapter the whole 'I'm fixing this for you' way that Sunset has ended up taking is something that will eventually go against her in the following chapters. Her goals from day one are not forgotten, just in pause as she tries to live a more tranquil life for some time as she decides better how to take things further.

About the fix-fic, I think one of my readers said it best "Sunset is more proactive", she wants to solve the problem as quick and efficiently as possible and has some understanding of how most people work since even if she doesn't understand friendship in its entirety she does understand pony’s way of thinking if hey correlate with hers, like Applejack's pride or Gilda's bullying.
Also, Sunset is reacting to the events more than getting involved voluntarily, she snapped at the six because they were accusing her like they had no blame of their own, she confronted Applejack because she was making ponies suffer with her exhaustion, and helped her further because she didn’t want to leave her suffering, and Pinkie asked for her help with Gilda.

The story will eventually diverge from the canon episode by episode structure by the time of what I would call the 'season two' of this story.

Lastly, regarding this Sunset and canon Sunset, she's not there yet so to speak. I didn't want to just make a cut between leaving the mirror and Sunset's reformation on the battle of the bands and call it a day, she still doesn't understand friendship, and is still in a rebellious phase so to speak, and more importantly, still trying to figure out where she stands in relation to the world. As the fairy godmother of friendship? as Twilight's mentor or older sister? as Celestia's pupil? as a monster? or as a future ruler?
Basically, she's still unsure of what her purpose is.

hope I got everything, and any further suggestions will be invaluable to me.
I thank you again for taking such time with it.

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This whole package of problems sadly is simple and complicated at the same time; English is not my first language

I suspected, having read a fair amount of non-English speakers writing English for the first time, but I didn't want to assume. Picking up the language in this way is actually the one of the most proactive ways of improving your understanding of the language, plus giving your writing a unique style. There's this story about the Japanese writer Haruki Murakami. To develop his style, he did an especially interesting thing: he wrote his stories in the limited English he knew, then translated them back into Japanese. This helped him improve his understanding of the English language, as well as create a distinct style.

As you said, this can be improved through more writing - one of the many joys of the craft that is simultaneously one of its many sorrows. In my view, the archaic style can work, but this might not be the story best suited for it. As a potential suggestion for how to improve your English writing, you might want to consider picking out authors who have been translated from your native language into English. Look at both the original copy and the translated copy. You might be able to see how the translation does something different with your language, and how it portrays English. This is a helpful way to learn how to imitate other authors' styles whose language is not your own.

I'm glad to see that the fix-fic issue is intentional, and will likely be addressed in future chapters. I anticipated that there was more to the issue than what was presented thus far, and since this fic looks to be a fair length, I believe the issue can indeed be fixed with time.

Honestly, most of the issues seem to stem less from a lack of quality writing and more of a missing refinement to the story and writing themselves. While I'm of the view that one shouldn't fully trust ideas, your idea here is good and strong, and it sparks a certain curiosity worth exploring. The writing nails most everything beyond the awkward prose, and practice can definitely improve that area. As for refinement, that's what editing and revision is for, but that probably can't be done until enough progress into the story has been written.

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Honestly, most of the issues seem to stem less from a lack of quality writing and more of a missing refinement to the story and writing themselves

I'm glad to hear that, I've been writing since 2012 and I still feel like I've still much to learn (even outside the english/spanish barrier) but writing in this site has really making me feel like I'm actually improving with each attempt, succesful or not.

This story will be long, several seasons of the canon, and I want to reach the end and look back to it with pride, and with a new idea to start a new one.

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Everyone starts somewhere, and arguably you've gotten further along than me when I first started out! Keep going!