The Lunaverse 2,568 members · 202 stories
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Talon and Thorn
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7014506

I think getting it all written before publishing is a good idea, there were a few problems with the last story which I think could have been fixed if you'd had the chance to go back once you'd finished writing it.

Rixizu
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The third chapter of the Forbidden Symphony is done and ready for prereading. What do you think?

Chapter 3

Rixizu
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Chapter 3 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 3

Rixizu
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The fourth chapter of the Forbidden Symphony is done and ready for prereading. What do you think?

Chapter 4

Rixizu
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The fifth chapter of the Forbidden Symphony is done and ready for prereading. What do you think?

Chapter 5

RainbowDoubleDash
Group Admin

7044171
Added some comments and corrections.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7044254

Thanks, as usual. Would you be interested in prereading Galaxy Rangers: The Movie? I've already posted three chapters for it and I was curious on your opinion on them.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 4 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 4

Rixizu
Group Contributor

The sixth chapter of the Forbidden Symphony is done and ready for prereading. What do you think?

Chapter 6

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 5 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 5

Rixizu
Group Contributor

The seventh chapter of the Forbidden Symphony is done and ready for prereading. What do you think?

Chapter 7

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 6 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 6

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Finally, I'm at the Gala. This is sure to be the best night ever.

I don't know I did a good job with the dresses though. Fashion is hard.

Forbidden Symphony: Chapter 8

Rixizu
Group Contributor

The ninth chapter of the Forbidden Symphony is done and ready for prereading. What do you think? This should be the second to the last chapter. After I finish this story, I'm going on break so I can finish the movie. I've been having trouble finding time to work on it.

Chapter 9

Sorry to be selfcentered but I wanted to let people know that I am still working on Rainbowdash does her job, I'm on the 6th or 7th draft. Just college work overtaking everything.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

The tenth and final chapter of the Forbidden Symphony is done and ready for prereading. What do you think? Quite a ride its been too. I should give Lyra a vacation after I finish the finale. She deserves it.

Chapter 10

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 7 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 7

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 8 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 8

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 9 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 9

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 10 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 10

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7181524
Carefuly, you got Rainbow Dash and Raindrop mixed up at the start of the confrontation with Kanibubbler.

And I think the suit sounds like a mess of a design in terms of color layout. I think you should simplify it, keep it to a white and golden to keep the 'Lux' name making sense. And the scarf, or more correctly, the muffler, should probably be a more purple color to match Twilight, or a color matching her mom? And then have the scarf change as she cycles through the three ponie races powers as her 'form change' so to speak?

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7182590

Thanks for the imput. I simplied it with a simple gold and black color scheme. Gold for the armor and black for the joints. They contrast each other really well and stand out against each other. And maybe cerise for her muffler to match her mother's magic?

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7183179

Sort of an Agito look but more Grasshopper then?

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7183637

I suppose so. I am also nothing trying to sway too far the Shōwa era riders.

I am trying to think of a better Rider name for Cadance. I have been uncertain about Blackest Heart as a name. It doesn't fit with Lux. Maybe something like Kamen Rider Amor? It's Latin for Cupid.

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7183658

Hmm... name wise you could always go for a latin word for darkness or something? Tenebrae, Obscurum, Caligo, Umbrum? A quick google search reveals 'Atrare' (to make something black) and 'Furvus' are also related.

There's also the Proto-germanic root word for 'Dark': Derkaz.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7183677

The thing is, I had the idea that Shocker Timeline Trixie isn't actually dead and would come back in a possible sequel as Kamen Rider Nyx (or Nox). So we already have the dark themed Rider taken.

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7183678

But if she got turned into a blob of slime, she might have ended up with Biorider like powers so she could be Aqua or something watery :p

But if you want a love theme to Cadence then you can always just call her Venus? 'Cupido' might work as it encompasses desire, greed and lust, which might work as a dark mirror of love. Then, if she ends up redeemed in a future story, she might become a proper Kamen Rider Amore.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7183789

I think I will go with Cupido. It fits Cadance's dark motif. How about for Trixie, we call her Protean? It means versatile, mutable, or capable of assuming many forms. It's related to the Greek God Proteus, and the god's name comes from prōtos which means first.

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7184113

Oh yeah, that works. Plus, she's the prototype rider!

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 11 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 11

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7185999

Hmm. L-Trixie can contact Princess Luna using her hat, she doesn't need a charriot. Also, you describe Bonbon as grey?

Also, L-Trixie would probably send an illusion of herself instead of herself directly, but you can keep that reveal for later.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7188091

Really, I forgot about Trixie's hat trick. She throws letters into it and burns them, right? Something like that? I can just say she loses her hat or something or doesn't get enough time to send the message. The wiki describes Bon-Bon's coat as Light apple greenish gray and I was trying to think the best way to simplify it. Should I call her cream-colored maybe?

As for L-Trixie, the poor girl certainly has her hooves full, everypony in Shocker will instinctually hate her and come after her all at once. Unlike, Ranger-Trixie, she had no fighting experience! Maybe once this adventure is over with, she'll get off her lazy butt and take some fighting classes?

Talon and Thorn
Group Contributor

7188098

I think letter goes in the hat and vanishes and appears in the castle. As she was away from the office and left it a mess she probably just left it there, it could be mentioned though. I pointed out Bon-bon's colour as well, cream is a common descriptor for her so that sounds good.

Trixie is getting some training from Raindrops (and maybe Cheerilee) here and there so she might not be quite as bad as expected, Although certainly not up to her power ranger twin.

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7188098

The message goes into a hat and appear on the desk of Luna at the castle. It could take a while though, because it doesn't track her directly like when Spike fires off a message to Celestia so it's fine. Just have Pokey write it.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 12 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 12

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7190853
There's already good notes there so I'm not sure what else to add...

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7193889

As long as you enjoyed it, it's fine with me. What I find fun about the story is how out of her depths Lunaverse Trixie is. The poor girl doesn't have to deal with this level of violence and craziness usually. One of these days, I was actually thinking of doing a Den-O/Lunaverse crossover about Momotaros finding himself thrown into the Lunaverse and ends up getting attached to Trixie. Hilarity ensues.

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7193896

I think it would be more funny to throw Momotaros into Carrot Top. The shy girl and the show-boating thug make a funnier combination I think. Then Trixie and Momo could butt head in public instead of just in her head :p

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 13 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 13

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7197441
Alright...

"He, of course, played a huge part in that swashing evil wherever it poked its ugly head"

Shouldn't that be "He, of course, played a huge part in squashing evil whenever it reared its ugly head" ?

"One carrot dog please.” Cadance always teased him for his sloppy and lazy eating

he's fairly fresh with the monarch of a different nation. Might want to reconsider name dropping someone else here.

I'm wondering how many Shocker Combatpony got knocked out by the train accident? And what about Pokey?!

“They’re an evil Organization from another universe bent on world domination,” Trixie replied and Shining had trouble keeping speed with her.

I would think Shining Armor would be in much MUCH better shape than L-Trixie.

bizarre starfish pony creature with red scaly skin.

Oh snap! It's StarfishHitler! Or since its a pony ...Starfish Halter? Haytler? Hinnytler? Hitchler? Holsteinler? Hecktler? Haflinter?

her an opportunity to jump to his Shining’s aid.

Extra 'his' (or extra Shining's) It's a bit confusing with the two monsters and Lux trading blows and we don't know what the Combatponies are doing at the same time. Also, where are the other guards at at this time?

Trixie running off to warn the Princess is clever... she's pretty fast at writing for someone who doesn't like paperwork that much :p

Shining hesitated. He wanted to avoid pointing out how evil his sister looked in her armor, worried he might hurt her feelings. He cursed Trixie’s typical tactlessness. As long as anypony could remember, black, Luna’s color, was the color of good and right. While gold, the color of the vile Corona, was the color of evil and everything wrong. It wasn’t unusual for villains in stories to wear gold or white to indicate how they were the bad guys. He’d known ponies who were bullied for having a gold coat. Why had his sister found herself wearing such evil colors, anyway? After moments of consideration, he forced a smile, preparing to lie through his teeth.

Strangely, Blueblood didn't get bullied for being all white with gold hair... I don't think 'black' is specifically good in the Lunaverse, Luna's signiture colors are midnight blue and silver. Black is just an accent color.

That's a pretty nice cliffhanger. There's gotta be a reason why an Alicorn can't fight the Great Leader with her full power right?

Also, I kinda want to see, at the end of this kerfuffle, a pony with a pink camera around his neck comment "Guess they didn't need me this time." before dissapearing through a shimmering grey-ish veil. You know, just passing through and all that.

Comment posted by GrassAndClouds2 deleted Apr 29th, 2020
Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 14 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 14

GrassAndClouds2
Group Admin

Right-o, new story is live. First chapter is up and the remaining chapters will likely be posted over the coming week. It's a prequel to the 'Golden Horseshoes' story we've been kicking around for years, describing how Puissance gets on the path of trying to find that last horseshoe. I filed it in 'To be determined' until RDD formally makes a decision on canon status. You can start reading here!

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7212154

First thing I wonder is how big the room the fight at the start takes place in? I feel like Luna could have grabbed everybody and flew out into the courtyard only to find themselves surrounded by combatponies.

A howl of terror escaped her mouth as a Molung

extra 'a' here

 “Trixie!” Sharks flew as Princess Luna swooped in slashing Molung’s thick lumpy hide with her scythe.

While Luna throwing flying sharks around sound like a cool idea, you probably meant sparks.

It's probably a good thing Trixie didn't open the vault, I get the feeling Shocker would love to get their mitts on all that loot...

“You have got to be kidding me!” Did the entire universe hate her or something? Was there a cosmic “Kick Me” sign taped to her back? And Trixie was losing track of everypony that wanted her dead at this point. She promised to create a list if she survived this.

I like this part!

Sasoritokages continued to slash around the room blindly trying to find the hated Trixie. Molung and the Combatponies tried to get him under control while dodging his razor-sharp pincer. Trixie used the distraction to crawl under everypony’s leg towards the door.

Maybe Trixie could use her illusions to look like a combatpony instead? they might not think she would do that, at least long enough for her to sneak out in the confusion?

“Another Rider,” Luna said awestruck

No, she's not an Another Rider, she's the original :derpytongue2:

The ending is nice, though I'm confused how the L6 got there so far after the train debacle, nor what is up back in Ponyville.

It would be a cool twist if those were the Rangers L6 instead.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

7213396

No, she's not an Another Rider, she's the original :derpytongue2:

I'm actually tempted to write a story about L!Twilight becoming Another Lux and trying to use her powers to become a hero. I could be part of the Den-O crossover idea I told you about. The problem is that this story would make no sense at all to anyone who isn't a Kamen Rider fan.

The ending is nice, though I'm confused how the L6 got there so far after the train debacle, nor what is up back in Ponyville.

It would be a cool twist if those were the Rangers L6 instead.

I have a decent explanation. They improvised a way to get there using Rainbow Dash. I thought about your idea, but the Ranger L6 are very powerful. Each one is as powerful as Trixie. It would turn the tide for the good guys too quickly. Besides, I am looking forward to writing Luna 6 vs Cadance. It's sure to be a crazy battle.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 15 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 15

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7215957

Checked it out, pretty good stuff, good use of classic Friendship power. That said,

The Evil Rider started searching around for the other Trixie when she disappeared in a flash. She gasped, finding the other Trixie standing behind her. The entire world shook as the Ranger sent a mighty punch into Cadance’s back, creating a massive crater beneath her. Trixie winced in pain as her hooves gave out from under her. Much to Trixie’s amazement, she noticed the shockwave had also knocked some guards and Combatponies several hundred hooves away off their hooves. How powerful had that punch been? Could they actually win this?

Not sure I get the highlighted sentence. Might use some clarification? And now that Ranger Trixie is back to normal it might be a good idea to return the point of view duty back to her for the duration of the story.

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 16 of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie is ready for prereading. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 16

Fizzy Orange
Group Admin

7228555
Alright!

 A primal scream of rage escaped Ditzy’s lips. Nurses shattered away in fear when her communicator shattered against the ground. 

I think you meant 'scattered' on that one.

Damn sunlight. In the heat of combat, her illusions by default were flawed, and creating and hiding shadows were always tricky. Ponies underestimated the difficulty of creating a believable shadow on an illusion, especially a moving one. No matter, illusions were only a small part of her unfathomable talent. Trixie didn’t create an illusion this time as she charged towards her opponent. 

Trixie should put that to use and make her regular shadow dissapear so the villain thinks it's another illusion!

Also, I feel like you could have someone use Cupido's discarded polearm at a dramatic moment that'd be neat. I hope you have some sort of explanation for what Great Leader is... maybe some sort of primal evil? The Desire for Domination incarnate? Maybe whatever it is is secretly occupying their world's version of Starlight Glimmer?

Rixizu
Group Contributor

Chapter 17, the final chapter of the Galaxy Rangers: The Movie, is ready for prereading. A small epilogue will follow after this. Eager for comments and suggestions as usual.

Chapter 17

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