6588160

Thanks, you've both given me a lot to think about. I will post the second draft when I finish it. I know Trixie comes off as kind of bad. That was part of the point. She's a child and most aren't exactly angels. I also wanted to show that Prince Blueblood wasn't completely in the wrong. I do plan to tone it down a little.

The slang idea really stresses me though. I want to do it, but I am worried that I am going to fail hard at it. I will see what I can do. It will probably end up not being too strong so I don't render Trixie unreadable. Cross your fingers that I can actually get this to work.

6588798
I mean, don't worry too much about the slang being perfect. I don't speak a lick of French and I grew up in New England, not New Orleans. My total exposure to the Cajun dialect is through TV and movies. I've still been told it sounds about right, though.

6588811

I'll do some more study on this. So what do you think of the story? Is it suitable for canon with a little reworking?

6589243
Sure, with a little reworking. It's a bit too short to be a full episode, but I can work as a "webisode".

6589270

Here is the second draft. I gave Trixie what I hope is a New Orleans accent. Any comments and suggestions would be helpful. Ignore all the comments. I needed to mark all of Trixie's dialog so I could find it.

Second Draft

6596635

I think you might have gone a bit far with the accent this time. It's certainly interesting and does a good job of marking Trixie as an outsider but I think it's too strong, the use of Darlin although somewhat amusing seems really strange. At the very least I think the other characters should make note of it, Honeybee trying to get her to 'speak the Princess's Equestrian' (although that might make Trixie just make her accent stronger), Blueblood would definitely pick on her accent once he's angry, Luna probably care's less but Trixie might try to reduce her accent in her presence.

I still think it would be a nice idea to have Trixie sneaking out of the castle with Blueblood rather than just arrive in the playground. I might even given then a chance to work together a bit before they get into a fight.

6596635
Reading now, though I might not get to it all before I have to go to work (work is also the reason why I'm only reading it now...stupid all-day shifts...)

I'll try and help with the Cajun if I can.

6597771

Added a little more French. I am trying not to overdo it and keep it natural.

6596799
I took out darlin' because I didn't think it worked all that well even though it is a correct term of address. I added a scene where Prince and Trixie snuck out the castle. I also added some stuff about Trixie's accent, but I think she too young to really care about how much it makes her not fit it. Personally, I think she started changing her accent during her insecure teenage years.

Is this better?

Third Draft

6602155

I've gone over it again and added a few comments here and there. Overall I'm pretty happy with how it's turned out now.

Up to RDD on the canon side.

6602155
Read it and dropped some comments. I think this version definitely feels more "complete" than the previous drafts, and I don't mind this being canonized, though since it's still short it'll probably remain a "webisode" rather than a full episode.

6603235

The story is been posted! I'm fine with it being a Webisode. Will it be a season 1 or 2 one?

6604675
Your choice on that front, though at the moment I'm inclined to move it into Season 1.

6605161

I'm going with season 1 too. It makes the most sense.

For fun, I decided to write a bonus chapter where filly Twilight meets Trixie. I don't know if this will be canon or not. It might conflict with canon, I'm not sure.

Bonus Chapter

6617834

I'm pretty sure if doesn't fit with Canon given Twilight didn't seem to know much about Trixie when she next meets her and Night Light doesn't seem that over bearing in canon.

I think it might be a bit to similar to the Blueblood story as well. Twilight seems a bit different from him but overall the interaction seems more or less the same. How about having Trixie feeling threatened by Twilights skills without Twilight actively wanting to replace her, rather Trixie feels like Twilight could replace her. To make things seasonal maybe have it be Nightmare Night with Luna turning the castle into a haunted house, various courtly foals are invited to have fun and Twilight demonstrates her skills and mentions her dad wanted to talk to Luna about her getting training directly from the princess. Trixie gets worried about being replaced and starts to pick on Twilight a bit with Twi sniping back. Trixie runs off to Luna to beg her not to replace her, Luna tells her she wont and never intended to and asks Trixie to apologise to Twilight which so does but the two still don't like each other that much. It still wouldn't fit cannon but it would differentiate this story from your last a bit more.

6618462

Yeah, I had fun writing this story, but I don't know if I actually want to do anything with it. I may rewrite it, but I am not sure yet. The main idea of the story is that even at a young age, Twilight was prideful and self-important. Worse is that she liked to read books that were more or less NIght Court propaganda. They feed her with ideas of how important it is that the Elite should rule and only the best should stay on top and this made her even worse. I wrote this story to show how Twilight turned out as she did in Boast Busted. That was my thinking while writing this story. I don't know if these ideas have merit, but they are what I came up with.

6618496
Night Light doesn't really seem the kind to press this hard for Twilight to be Luna's protégé. He obviously kind of comes off very negatively in the Lunaverse, but overall I always saw him as a basically decent and fundamentally confident and self-assured pony who doesn't really go for grandstanding or power-plays, and most of all I think he'd have utter confidence in Twilight's ability to achieve her own greatness without a need to step in for her in any direct way.

Plus, Trixie isn't and never has been Luna's student in magic, that's more of a side thing. Trixie's learning politics, rhetoric, sociology, history, etiquette and protocol, etc. The goal is to have her enter the Night Court as a noble; this is known by the Night Court at large. Twilight already is a noble, however, and would already be undertaking schooling in that. The Night Court's view of Trixie is probably more of a pet project of Luna's to some extent. Not that the position of "apprentice" wouldn't be prestigious, especially if Luna was inclined to be teaching somepony mainly magic (which I'm sure she has before), but overall their concern with Trixie, at least at this young age (since most are probably willing to make some allowances for her personality due to her being a foal and a commoner) is that Trixie's being personally trained to either:

1) Replace one of them; or
2) Take over one of the provinces that doesn't currently have a noble.

New story! It's called Secret Agent Dinky! It's another Galaxy Ranger story. It's about Dinky finding out a deep dark secret about Lyra's marefriend Bon-Bon.

Chapter one.

The first draft of chapter 2 of Secret Agent Dinky is done and ready for preread. Comments and suggestion are always welcome.

Chapter 2

6660029
Reading and dropping comments now.

The first draft of chapter 3 of Secret Agent Dinky is done and ready for preread. Comments and suggestion are always welcome as usual.

Chapter 3

Its is a Non-Cannon Discord breaking free from his prison, it's pretty gorey(I think thats a word) and dark. What is the process for submitting(once I get my first chapter done and edited)? Thank you(sorry for posting this earlier in the wrong place)

6701069
The Quorum of Canon is sort of defunct at this point but I haven't gotten around to changing submission rules. For now just respond to this thread with a link to your story and I'll judge its canon or non-canon status. Also don't forget to put your story in the To Be Determined folder.

6701094
thank you!

6701069
oh and i never fixed the text of my post from when i had a title. whoops

6701094
Would it be too much to ask if someone could help edit the chapter when its done, none of my friends like MLP much less Lunaverse. Sorry if this is to much to ask

6701159
That's exactly what this thread is for!

Just post a link here.

6701164
Ok! I will when the first chapter is done

Ok trying to do the first chapter but I have no idea how to do a hospitable scene. I know I barely started so if no-one wants to help I completely understand. (also if someone can help me make the titles less edgy but still dark that would be great)
the link
Thank you!
Oh and of course typos a plenty(because I'm dumb)

6701263

I can't say I'm all that keen on un-necessary gore but I've given what you've written so far a once over. I'd recommend at least running a spell checker over it.

6702155
Thank you so much! And yeah guess I'm just messed up in the head

6702208
Actually now that I think of it the dream and gore is the weakest part of my story. I can just get rid of it and go straight to them fighting Discord. I'm a moron

6702210
Actually nevermind going to keep it, G-d I'm having alot of conflicting ideas for a story that is already complelty mapped out

6702155
Also sorry for not doing a once over before asking for help. I'm really sorry about that

6702208

I wouldn't necessarily go that far, certainly not all of my stories are bloodless, it's gore for gore's sake which I don't like.

6702265
Why do you think it's gore for gores sake? I was trying to show that Discord is not the same as his cannon counterpart. Can you tell me where you had a problem so I could see if I agree and then fix. Or is that too much? Sorry if this is rude

6702275

I'm not saying there is any problem, you've only written a few paragraphs so far so I can't comment on your intentions yet. You mentioned in one of your previous chapters that the story was going to be quite gory so I have assumed so far that there is going to be more bloodshed further down the line. If I'm wrong, I apologise.

6702319
No your right, The story is about Discord causing the worst possible phtiscal and emotional suffering. Im sorry i kept commententing and sorry for being annoying or rude, and needy.

Also yes I have low self-esteem and depression how did you guess?(I'm going to be apologising and asking for affirmation alot, sorry)

The first draft of chapter 4 of Secret Agent Dinky is done and ready for preread. Comments and suggestion are always welcome as usual.

Chapter 4

6721344
Sorry, I saw this yesterday but have been stuck at work. Friggin’ evening shifts leading into morning shifts...I’ll read and edit in a few hours once I’m home.

6721344

There you go, sorry I forgot about this last night.

A very interesting story so far.

Any other idea's for Cheerilee's school trips? Shrinking to visit the inside of a pony maybe?

6721344
Okay, left comments and edits of my own.

6723864

Thanks. Always welcome.

6723439

The middle of a volcano? The amazon? Center of the Earth? Open to suggestions on this one. The moon and the Mareana Trench are a pretty high bar.

6724293

Whichever has dinosaurs?

Although being a biologist I like the inside a pony one, there might even be dinosaurs in there,

6724315

Who knows, maybe the MLP world has a Land of the Lost hidden away somewhere where dinosaurs are still alive? I might have to use that idea somewhere down the road.

The first draft of chapter 5 of Secret Agent Dinky is done and ready for preread. Comments and suggestion are always welcome as usual.

Chapter 5

6741395

Ok, I've gone over it.

Realistically the huge pressure of the water would have killed everypony in a few seconds but apart from that it's a fun disaster movie sort of chapter.

6741535

I am not sure exactly how the pressure would work when the water is leaking inside, and it isn't like anyone got submerged in it. But let's just roll with it working like this.

6741541
When you’re that deep down, any leak is a fatal one, as pressure is continuously applied to the weak point that sprang the leak and tears it open wider and wider, which weakens the whole even further. It takes frighteningly little time, too: seconds, at most.

But, Hollywood physics. I’m not gonna sweat it.