FlutterDash 2,578 members · 1,419 stories
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Everhopeful
Group Admin

Well here we are. I'll save my thoughts for the end, without further adieu:

Entrants
Our 11 entrants and their respective entries were:
Entry #01. Twinkletail - Shaping Up Shy
Entry #02. ThatOneWriter - The End of Flying Lessons
Entry #03. bats - Hummingbird Heartbeat
Entry #04. NintendoGal55 - Clean
Entry #05. Atosen - Flying In Place
Entry #06. Drizzle Quill - Three Little Words
Entry #07. RainbowBob - Tethered
Entry #08. drankito - Bound Together
Entry #09. Titanium Dragon - The Stolen Date
Entry #10. Der_Fur_Shur - We Owe Each Other.
Entry #11. Funinightmare - Good Date, Bad Ending

Feel free to publish your stories now, I'm sorry for the inconvenience of having to hold off. I'll be creating an archive folder specifically to house these stories (they'll also be placed into the other folders they belong in).

Judges Choice
Here are the results of the judge's choice catgory in no particular order..

Skeeter The Lurker
1st Hummingbird Heartbeat - 3 points
2nd End of Flying Lessons - 2 points
3rd Three Little Words - 1 point

Jondor
1st Hummingbird Heartbeat - 3 points
2nd The Stolen Date - 2 Points
3rd Three Little Words - 1 Point

Jake R
1st Hummingbird Heartbeat - 3 points
2nd Bound Together - 2 points
3rd Tethered - 1 point

KitsuneRisu
1st Hummingbird Heartbeat - 3 points
2nd Three Little Words - 2 points
3rd Bound Together - 1 point

Totals
Hummingbird Heartbeat - 12
Three Little Words - 4
Bound Together - 3
The Stolen Date - 2
End of Flying Lessons - 2
Tethered - 1

With that I can reveal that the winner of the judged category is bats for Hummingbird Heartbeat and the runner up is Drizzle Quill for Three Little Words. I'll be contacting both shortly and they will both soon be gloriously enshrined on the group's front page.

Judge's Commentary and Rationale
I've asked each of the judges to briefly go through their thought process and decision making on their placements. Skeeter the Lurker is yet to get back to me, but what the other three judges had to say is here (I will be updating with Skeeter's comments when he gets them to me).

People's Choice
Here is the summary data collected from the People's Choice Voting Form

We received 58 votes in total for this contest.

Entry #1 6 10%
Entry #2 6 10%
Entry #3 6 10%
Entry #4 3 5%
Entry #5 11 19%
Entry #6 7 12%
Entry #7 4 7%
Entry #8 4 7%
Entry #9 7 12%
Entry #10 2 3%
Entry #11 2 3%

And here (if it works) is a pie chart of the above data:

As such I am pleased to announce that the winner of the People's Choice category is Atosen for Flying in Place, and the two runners up are Drizzle Quill for Three Little Words and Titanium Dragon for The Stolen Date. Again if your name appears here, I'll be contacting you shortly.

Help Improve Future Contests
I've put together a brief survey to allow you guys to give anonymous feedback. I would love it if you'd take a minute to fill it out and help improve any contests the group holds in the future.

The survey is here

My Thoughts
Wow guys. Here we are. We ran a contest. And it was every bit as successful as I hoped it would be.

Thank you to our four judges, who graciously gave up their time and brought their experience to bear.

Thank you to the eleven entrants, one and all for taking the time to write for the enjoyment of others, for entering your work, and for putting up with the process. Without you all, this wouldn't have been a contest.

And thank you to you, the group members for putting up with the announcements, for responding to the public vote and for every word you've said in support. I'm glad we were able to make this happen for you and I'm looking forward to helping to put more contests together in the future.

Oh and if there's anything stupid I've left off this post, please just let me know. Soon preferably.

Sincerely,
Everhopeful

Congrats to my fellow placers, Atosen, Drizzle Quill, and Titanium Dragon!

This contest was a lot of fun and I'm glad I participated. A big thank you to the judges for the time and effort y'all put into reading and judging for this (I know judging is oftentimes neither fun nor easy), and to Everhopeful for hosting it!

Happy reading and writing!

Hot damn, did better than I thought I would for my first serious romance story. Thanks for the opportunity to participate, and to all the judges that put the time and effort to score all the stories! Can't wait to do it again, and congrats to all the winners!

1823378
Hm. Probably needed more fighting and less fluff. I had so much fun with the fluff though! :rainbowkiss:

Congrats to bats for running away with this one! That fic deserved to win. I knew I was in trouble as soon as I read "Hummingbird Heartbeat". I'll admit I never did get around to reading them all, so I haven't read the other winning stories.

Thanks to the judges for their time and effort! Thanks to Skeeter The Lurker and the six others who voted for my story!

I had a lot of fun writing this story, and I got an editor out of it, so I'm pretty happy. I'm looking forward to next contest!

Blagdaross
Group Contributor

Congratulations to all!

Fernesh
Group Contributor

Congratulations, and if some authors needs advice for their story, let me know :raritywink:

Congrats, everyone! We had such an awesome bunch of entries, great job by all who participated! And, of course, thanks to our judges and to Everhopeful for running it :yay:

1823571
I'd appreciate a few opinions on the story, since I'm going to re-polish it. Obviously, some improvement is in order.

1823504
You came a close 4th in my book. You were actually pretty much neck and neck with 'Three Little Words' but unfortunately just a few little extra things that bound everything together pushed Three Little Words just a tiny bit further. But still, it was a great story. Good job with it!

1823847
Thanks for the compliment! Really, I'm glad I didn't get last place. Romance usually isn't my forte, since I'm more a comedic and action type of guy. But still, this was a nice change of pace, and I enjoyed it immensely! :pinkiehappy:

1823853
When I saw your name under that title, I admit, I raised an eyebrow. It is truly something quite different than you normally write (yes, I do lurk under your spongiforminess) and honestly, I think you pulled it off just fine. The only thing that I would say that ought to be looked at is the idea of scope, which is what pulled off just the couple of points for me. The story of the fight and the idea of the conflict is a bit too large for just the one scene, since the story was written episodically. It didn't feel like it extended outside of the narrative, which, for something that large, it should have in order to be portrayed more realistically.

Because of that it felt like the problem, solution and resolution was dropped in quick succession, making it have the illusion of being rushed. Usually this WORKS for comedic one-shots or the usual fare that you write, but in stories like these it sometimes is better to push it a bit more just for the extra connection.

What I really really liked about your fic was the more realistic approach to the ending and a very solid premise. For it not being your forte, it was a tremendous job. Really, really good going. Keep writing, and keep expanding your breadth!

1823870
Heh, thanks bro. I will do more serious romances in the future, though probably under a more longfic approach. Now I know romance requires much, much more input than I can normally give in a oneshot, so I think a more chapter driven approach would be more in my favor. And once again, thanks for all the advice and kind words. Means a lot. :twilightsmile:

1823895
No problem! And thank you for participating! It was fun.
Please have these BABY BEAVERS. Just as a little gift from me to you.

Titanium Dragon
Group Admin

FlutterDash fic feedback

 

I was the author of The Stolen Date

 

Ordinal ranking:

 

- The polished ones -

Hummingbird Heartbeat (got my vote)

Flying In Place

Three Little Words

 

- Gutsy but need work -

Bound Together

Tethered

 

- These need serious editing -

The End of Flying Lessons

Shaping Up Shy

We Owe Each Other

Clean

Great Date, Bad Ending

 
 
 
Entry #1: Shaping Up Shy
 
I wrote my feedback here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UlmpmgK7mL7ysB8VdGztalvpWREEL4pvx9DancmVnHc/edit
 
Lots of commentary on it, and it is open for others to comment on as well if anyone else wants to lump in. I felt this story had a lot of problems, but it had three really big problems that stuck out to me:
 
0) Editing. If you can, get other people to look it over. But you should ALWAYS look your own story over, several times, with an eye towards cleaning up after yourself.
 
1) The conclusion didn't fit with the rest of the story. It was a potentially funny conclusion, but the rest of the story did not lead up to that conclusion at all, and it was terribly out of place. It could be the conclusion to A story, but not THIS story, written THIS way.
 
2) Rainbow Dash was out of character, and Applejack wandered in and out of character.
 
3) The prose didn't flow very well. It was repetitive in places, word choice was frequently off, the tone of the narration varied from sentence to sentence, colloquialisms were used, and sometimes it sounded more like speech than narration. A consistent tone is necessary, especially when you're following a single character in third person limited.
 
In terms of good stuff:
 
I thought the bit at the start, where Applejack was kind of rolling her eyes at the whole situation, how the whole thing was practically choreographed, was actually fairly amusing. I thought that the ending could have been funny, but I don't feel like the ending was the proper ending to THIS story - more or less, the story just didn't feel like it was cohesive, so even the stuff that was fun about it just didn't work in the end.
 
Entry #2: The End of Flying Lessons
 
I wrote my feedback here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PtlWMuNXUY7HEBq3Kq-Ykek4zWcKY2hztn5qP6BKwMk/edit
 
Sorry that my comments trail off a bit towards the end of this; the story felt like it went a bit off the rails, and I just couldn't justify highlighting individual passages so much.
 
Honestly this story is kind of a mess.
 
Zeroth, this story needed more editing. A lot of the issues in it could have been solved with more time spent polishing it.
 
Firstly, this story feels unfocused. It doesn't feel like it flows naturally, the various parts of it feel disconnected, the middle doesn't feel like it connects well with the bits on the end, the realization of the relationship feels weird, and the whole thing just is a bit stilted and awkward.
 
Secondly, I am deeply confused about when this takes place. Fluttershy can fly just fine in the show, and yet, this seems to imply she can't or is still learning. But it also mentions Twilight. This just makes no sense at all and I suspect is what really ended up pulling me out of the story - I was confused at the start, and that was bad enough, but when I came to terms with "oh, this was set before the show", and then I find out that no, it wasn't, it just pulled me right out of the story and I was never able to get back into it.
 
Thirdly, it is a hurt/comfort fic. This has been done to death, and this isn't the strongest effort in this department. If you're going the hurt/comfort route, I want it to be really strong because, well, I've seen it before and it is kind of obvious. It wasn't terrible, but it just didn't feel awesome.
 
Fourth, the prose is weak. It isn't so much that it is messed up as it just isn't gripping; the writing for the story isn't very exciting, and it doesn't make me want to keep reading it.
 
My advice would be, in the future, to outline your story and to make sure that everything contributes towards the ending and that the whole thing flows naturally to your conclusion. There are parts of the story which just feel disconnected, and that hurts it a great deal, and the story as a whole doesn't feel like a cohesive unit. When you read it over, look for disconnected strands and prune them, or weave them into the greater narrative.
 
Entry #3: Hummingbird Heartbeat
 
I wrote my feedback here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hnZHY6OID1uzFNNApfKk58aPJ4GjZeMf6HL8Vb601B4/edit
 
The prose is very eloquent, and while there are a couple things here and there where it isn't entirely perfect, on the whole it is a well-written piece.
 
If there was one thing that stuck out to me, though, it was Rainbow Dash talking to Fluttershy as a filly. It just didn't feel like her to me; the words didn't sound right being put in Rainbow Dash's mouth and, as I noted in my comments, the promise of her not hurting Fluttershy didn't really work at that point - it doesn't seem like the sort of thing she would promise until AFTER she had hurt her. She wouldn't even think about it, really.
 
Another thing that pulled on me was the use of alcohol; while the show certainly has cider (though it is probably non-alcoholic, given that Pinkie Pie is not dead), Fluttershy keeping beer in her fridge really struck me as a bit weird. Yes, theoretically they are adults in-world, but I just don't really think of Fluttershy as the sort who would do that - and honestly I'm not sure that I really think of Rainbow Dash as drinking in the present either. It isn't something which is hugely out of character, but it is something which doesn't really fit thematically with the show, and stuff like that pulls on me. Shipping already is one pull away from the show (though it can be done in a way that at least is compatible with the show's tone), every pull away from that hurts a bit.
 
While this is also a minor point, I actually really don't think much of the title of this story; it really has nothing to do with the story itself. While it is a cutely alliterative title, it doesn't actually describe the story in any way.
 
One other thing: while I do get why you put in the TwiJack, honestly I'm not sure if it is "worth it". It was a cute inclusion for contrast, but it serves no other purpose in the story and while it is relatively unobtrusive, it still can pull on the reader's suspension of disbelief.
 
Entry #4: Clean
 
I started doing a full commentary here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vCyC9UVymyMoN9yxIi66NdXqmPDvjR9ma3QPnKnmuWs/edit
 
This entry has a lot of problems, and after doing three sets of commentaries, I kind of gave up part way through this one. Sorry.
 
0) This story doesn't look like it has been edited. Please, for the love of Celestia, edit your stories. Even if you can't get anyone else to do it, YOU should make several passes over your story.
 
1) Randomly dropped words, incorrect words, and poor grammar. There are lots of sentences which clearly have the wrong words in them, or which are missing words. It makes the story very painful to read.
 
2) Perspective. Don't change perspective randomly. If you use third person limited, do so consistently; it is acceptable to switch, but you should make sure it is clear to the reader when you do so, and don't switch back and forth constantly.
 
3) Prose. There are just a lot of issues here. Using the passive voice inappropriately is one issue, as is just general tightness; a lot of the prose feels too conversational and not very much like a proper narrative. While there are ways of writing prose conversationally, you aren't writing it that way either.
 
4) Pointless inclusions. The RariJack bit served no purpose in the story. Why include it? Same goes for TwiPie. Don't include background ships unless there's a good reason to do so. There isn't here.
 
5) Character. It just was off in some places. Listen to episodes and try to capture their voices better; there were lines from various ponies - especially Fluttershy - that didn't sound like things they would say, or weren't said as they would say them. Rarity's explosion, for instance, was off; that isn't how she talks, and I don't think she would call anyone a bint. Especially not over that. Indeed, the whole spa scene is kind of a mess as far as characterization goes.
 
6) The fight didn't feel very natural, and saying she has to clean all day is rather silly. Obviously she must be doing something else around the house. I do get fighting over these things, but it didn't really feel like it worked quite right. Plus a lot of the rants were a bit off. Rainbow Dash's response in particular felt rather contrived.
 
7) Rainbow Dash going to Twilight felt like a very contrived scene.
 
8) The bit with the foal seems... honestly quite pointless. The story has a theme, stick with it. It seems like you just kind of wandered around for no good reason.
 
Honestly, in the end, I feel like the biggest weakness of this story is that it didn't actually go anywhere or do anything interesting. They got into a fight over cleaning, it was resolved, and really it was far more of a blowup than felt realistic. It just felt like a made-up conflict to suit the contest, rather than some sort of actual, character-driven thing, and I just couldn't connect with the story.
 
Also, quite honestly, given how empty the story is, the fact that it was 12k words long is really surprising. It really could have been done much more efficiently.
 
Set out with a goal and execute it. Don't wander around, don't include stuff that doesn't help the story towards its destination.
 
Entry #5: Flying in Place
 
Full commentary here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Rh3YAxpAHjJGNNcQIGvibRPJyw_PYA465ZqiTGD1O6o/edit#heading=h.epw7gcfq280
 
This was a well written story. The prose wasn't quite as gripping as entry #3, but on the other hand, unlike #3, this story never pulled me out of the narrative - I never felt like anything was out of place, it all felt very in character and thematically appropriate. The tone was good, the dialogue was in character, and the story did what it needed to do.
 
The structure of alternating views of the present and the past, with each helping to drive our understanding of the other forward, also worked well, and helped us better understand what was wrong, giving us an increasingly complete picture of what had happened, and what was gong to happen.
 
The story's biggest flaw was its tension and pacing. The introduction took a while to grab me; it was reasonably well-written and was a nice little slice of Rainbow Dash's life, and it set up several parts of the ending, but it took about three pages for something to grab me - the letter. The letter was interesting, and it was doubly interesting because Rainbow Dash was unhappy about it, but it turned out that we were wrong about why she was unhappy about it. Then we get to Fluttershy's declaration, and we go back in time to see the setup for it, and then chapter two is compelling as the conflict builds up. What will happen?
 
And then the entire conflict gets defanged. Rainbow Dash has to make a choice, and chooses Fluttershy - and then it turns out that it was a false choice and Rainbow Dash was just being stupid (again). The problem is, fundamentally, while this was entirely reasonable, it completely destroyed the tension - it is obvious from the end of chapter 3 how it is all going to happen, and yet we've still got a quarter of the story to go. The central conflict has been brought up and resolved - Rainbow Dash doesn't have to choose, and the only thing holding her back from making her choice is gone now - so really, a quarter of the story is the conclusion. Given that it took a while for the introduction to really pick up, this means that there's a fairly large chunk of the story where there isn't really a great deal of tension. The fact that Rainbow Dash didn't even figure out that she was being stupid for herself, depriving her of agency in the story's resolution, also didn't help - a minor character defused the central conflict off-handedly.
 
This hurts the story a lot. In theory there is some tension of "will Fluttershy say yes", but let's face it - the story made it obvious that Fluttershy wanted Rainbow Dash, and that Rainbow Dash wanted Fluttershy. It wasn't too late, and it was obvious to the reader that it wasn't too late, and given that we had already resolved the central conflict, the story was pretty much just going to be pure fluff from there on out.
 
You know what could have fixed this problem? Your structure! I actually used this trick in my story, too, but I think it is a useful one for situations like this:
 
Hide the decision from the reader.
 
What you should have done was cut out the scene when Rainbow Dash went to talk to Spitfire. Cut it out either when she went off to catch her, or when she did catch her, and hide the conversation and hide her decision. Have it flash ahead to Rainbow Dash going to talk to Fluttershy, and leave the conflict hanging - she has made her choice, but we, the reader, don't know what that choice is. Then, after the confession, flash back to the scene with Spitfire. I also think it would be better for Rainbow Dash to contribute to the solution because it gives her more agency in the conclusion (basically, asking if she has to move to Cloudsdale or whatever), Spitfire pointing out that Rainbow Dash being dumb is acceptable... but it is much weaker than if Rainbow Dash actually TRIED to have it both ways, and it worked out because of her efforts.
 
But in any event, by putting the scene with Spitfire in as a flashback AFTER the scene with Fluttershy, you could both maintain your structure of alternating the present and then flashing back to the past to sort of explain things a bit more while retaining dramatic tension throughout the conclusion.
 
Entry #6: Three Little Words
 
Full commentary here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CtUoqef8wQZB3LUtlJ9xacgZnlLtnKt909eCm--64Ko/edit
 
I was amused by the fact that you actually used a decent font. No Arial for you! Though size 14 was a bit of an odd choice.
 
This story was competently written. The prose is reasonable and the overall flow of the story is pretty good.
 
The best part of this story was Fluttershy's contemplation of whether or not she was a cloud, and her questioning whether she was a good friend. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if I felt like this was really resolved in the end - it was a good idea, but I didn't feel it ever got followed through on.
 
I also liked your motif of three words. "I love you", "I hate you", "I need you", "Please forgive me", and "I love you" again. It was very cute and was a nice thread linking the whole story together, and it made the title very meaningful.
 
The biggest problem I have with it is that, ultimately, it left me feeling lukewarm. It was competent, it was reasonable, but I didn't walk away from it feeling like I had gained anything. It was there, and then it was gone, and while it wasn't bad while it was there, I didn't really feel anything after it was all done.
 
The second problem was, I never really understood WHY Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were together. Memories were spoken of but never really touched on, and we really just never know why this relationship IS.
 
The one other issue I had was that the actual fight felt forced; Fluttershy felt out of character for a few vital points in it, and given that was kind of the crux of the story, that pulled at me.
 
Entry #7: Tethered
 
I didn't end up doing a full commentary on this one; #4 kind of soured me a bit on it for entries that had a lot of grammar issues.
 
Speaking of which, edit your story. The SECOND PARAGRAPH starts with "There was clear blue skies overhead, with nary a cloud in the sky." This sentence is a disaster for three reasons; firstly, there were blue skies. Secondly, this sentence repeats itself. We already know there are clear blue skies, why do we need to know there was nary a cloud in the sky? You literally just said that. The fact that it occurs towards the very start of the story sets off alarm bells in my head; I probably would never have read past the second paragraph of this thing if it weren't in the contest. I probably would have immediately downvoted it.
 
It is also a weather report, but the weather isn't really especially relevant to the story, and it is the most boring kind of weather. Not that it isn't worth mentioning necessarily, but...
 
The biggest issue here is grammar. You should know when to use an and when to use the. Reading your story out loud can help with this stuff; if you can't read your story out loud and have it sound pleasing to the ear, you've got a big problem. Editors can also help, including self-editing. Every time I see a mistake like this, it pulls at my suspension of disbelief; every time you use the wrong word, I remember that I am reading a story, written by a person, rather than feeling immersed in it.
 
The prose also isn't quite as strong as it needs to be, and there are a few sections where it is a bit weak.
 
The real tragedy? This is actually a fairly decent fic, once you get past the issues with the grammar. The actual story is very reasonable, and you took advantage of the rule that wasn't there - namely, the fact that the story didn't have to have them end up together. The actual story felt fine, and the characters felt reasonably in character - Fluttershy falling apart because she doesn't want to lose Dash, and knowing, in her heart of hearts, that Dash has to choose between hurting her and destroying her dreams - and that Dash already knows the choice she's going to make.
 
It was quite different structurally from the other fics, and it actually was very decent. And it was a gutsy choice to actually make Rainbow Dash stay in character and make the correct choice, the choice that she WOULD make. I suspect if this had been more polished, it would have made my top three.
 
Entry #8: Bound Together
 
Full commentary here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1khp-Qh5nFFLJWnhg3iw-sKWElygEMbUrqAuFoQVK__M/edit
 
I am impressed that you decided to go RASHOMON STYLE in a random shipfic. That's pretty gutsy. Sadly, you didn't quite manage it.
 
The fic is fairly reasonable, but there is one huge, glaring issue:
 
The section told from Fluttershy's perspective is told in the third person.
 
The section told from Rainbow Dash's perspective is told in the first person.
 
This is bad.
 
They should be in the same perspective (preferably first person). The frame story being told in the third person is acceptable, I think, but it might have been better had it been first person as well.
 
Apart from that, this was surprisingly polished given that you apparently threw it together at the last minute and didn't have anyone available to edit it other than yourself. I am also amused by the fact that you wrote a Rashomon-style story without actually knowing what Rashomon is. Though of course you totally subverted it (apparently unintentionally).
 
I thought it was a cute enough story but, while it was amusing, I did feel that them actually physically brawling was rather out of character for Fluttershy. Also, oddly, Discord felt rather out of character; while he certainly has a penchant for mischief, it just didn't end up feeling all that much like Discord, and while he is certainly very capable of being petty, honestly it felt rather weird.
 
Entry #9: The Perfect Date
 
This is my story.
 
Entry #10: We Owe Each Other
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EMmV1Wmz7ZEj3L_bXQR6Wwg07WYSeQhImPuvcBvC1a4/edit
 
Yikes. This story seemed promising at first, but it didn't actually end up going anywhere interesting.
 
While not nearly as sloppy as some of the other entries grammatically, this story could definitely use a lot more editing.
 
The premise for the story isn't terrible - the idea of it being an alternating date kind of thing isn't unreasonable, and it isn't a horrible take-off point from canon. Unfortunately, the story just never gripped me, via a combination of weak prose, weak execution, and poor dialogue.
 
The biggest problem with this story is its prose. While there are some grammatical errors and a couple typos, the biggest issue is that the prose is just... boring. It isn't terribly exciting to read, and it doesn't flow very well, with some sections feeling too broken up. There are sentences which feel a bit stranded here and there, not because they don't fit with the action, but because the paragraph just doesn't flow naturally through them; they shouldn't stand alone, and yet are forced to.
 
Additionally, the story feels like it can't decide between being third person limited and third person omniscient, and seems to frequently shift perspective between Rainbow Dash and  Fluttershy, even mid-paragraph, which is very awkward. It often is too telly, and too much like some series of actions rather than an actual story - a story isn't just a bunch of things that happen one after another, it has a flow to it.
 
The last of the big problems this story has is dialogue. Once we get to the actual fight, the dialogue goes downhill and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy feel pretty out of character; also, honestly, I'm not so sure that Rainbow Dash would flee from her girlfriend in quite the manner that she did. Being sulky is certainly a Rainbow Dash thing to do, but I'm not sure if she would behave in quite the manner she did here. Really, though, the whole fight (and discussion that goes along with it) has far too many monologues and suffers from "talking head syndrome", where characters converse without actually doing anything else. Talking heads are not always bad - discussions have to happen, and excessive description during them can pull away from that - but having no description at all for a page of dialogue can really hurt. My eyes kind of glazed over at the dialogues at the end of the story.
 
One final note: it is okay to break up your paragraphs more. You have some really long paragraphs in this story, and some of them don't need to be so long. Big blocks of text are dangerous; if you have them, they need to exist for a good reason. Don't be afraid to use paragraph breaks, especially when shifting perspective, tone, or action.
 
Entry #11: Great Date, Bad Ending
 
I started doing an itemized commentary here:
 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FMHYiPT_AQWGMyn2fwHrsKgAtiN_j0q2Y_c2FlZdws0/edit
 
But after I ended up turning the entire first paragraph yellow, I realized I needed to go with a more general approach.
 
0) GET AN EDITOR. Seriously. You need someone to look over your work. And you need to work on your grammar.
 
1) Grammar. Commas and semicolons are your friend; use them. The rules are not terribly complicated; look them up and read up on them. Read entries 3, 5, 6, and 9 and look at how they use punctuation. Failing to use punctuation marks properly makes your writing nearly impossible to read.
 
2) You need to grab your audience. Your prose is very passive and meandering. It needs to be active and gripping. Make me want to read the rest of your story. Don't include things you don't need to. The entire first two paragraphs of the story are awkward exposition.
 
3) Work on your prose. Don't be too specific when you don't need to be. Don't get distracted by minor details. Don't be passive when you need to be active. Keep focused on the main thrust of your story. Why do I care how many birds were holding her hair? The answer is that I don't. Don't talk about things that don't happen, either; talk about what does happen.
 
4) Paragraph breaks. Any time a different character speaks, you need a new paragraph. Also, if you aren't going to indent your paragraphs, you need to separate them out.
 
5) Don't include extraneous details. I don't care what color someone is unless it is important to the scene, setting, or story. It usually isn't important.
 
6) Don't exclaim things unless you really mean it. People mostly say things; reserve special words (like exclaimed) for special occasions. Some words (replied) are more acceptable to use, but oftentimes, said works just fine.
 
7) In character dialogue. There's some of this which just isn't what the characters in question would say, though some of it is just hard for me to parse at all due to the lack of proper punctuation.
 
8) Show, don't tell. I really have no idea why their date was so great. It just kind of... happened. I do get glossing over what isn't important, but I just didn't feel invested in this story at all.
 
9) The title of this piece was just too on the nose.

NintendoGal55
Group Contributor

I'm off to polish my piece and then post it proper. Good job, candidates! :twilightsmile:

OH
MY
GOD.

You guys have NO idea how much I've been squealing in the past 20 minutes. The fact that I'm most likely younger than most of you and yet got 2nd in both categories makes me want to cry. I've been nervous about this contest all day and OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH to everyone who voted for me and all the judges that thought I deserved one of their top three spots. Thank you SO SO SO SO SO MUCH

Also, if anyone else had any comments/criticisms on Shaping Up Shy, I'd love to hear 'em :twilightsheepish:

1824292

Thank you very much for the feedback. :pinkiehappy: However, do you think you could link Three Little Word's google docs review so that I can actually read it? I don't have an account on Google docs, and the only reason it got submitted was because Twinkletail formatted it and put it in for me (explaining the use of large, different font :twilightsheepish:). I'm very curious to see what you have to say.

But thank you for putting my story in your list of top three! :pinkiegasp: That honors me greatly. :twilightsmile:

Titanium Dragon
Group Admin

1825281
It should work for you now. I accidentally had it set to private; my bad.

I enjoyed it. It earned what it received. The motif was a strong point, I think, helping to tie the whole thing together, and it was one of the more polished entries; I also liked the bit about Fluttershy contemplating the cloud. It was cute.

Though it is one of the more polished entries, it still could use more polish still; of course, most stories can (including my own; I actually polished it up, and am presently working on the last run through before I actually submit it. My work is never done apparently. :facehoof: ).

It was one of the stories that I would have actually read through had I just randomly stumbled across it; I feel that some of the other entries would have probably put me off of reading them at all.

As for your age: I have no idea how old you are, but you are a pretty reasonable writer. I'd probably be willing to look over one of your stories if you wanted someone to do some editing work for you in the future.

1825414

Thirteen. I'm thirteen. :twilightsheepish: You can see why I was so shocked I did so well? :twilightoops:

Titanium Dragon
Group Admin

Well, The Stolen Date is now up on the site. I'm working on a blog post to go with it to go into some of the stuff I went through writing it.

I changed the formatting by popular request to be more "standard" for the site.

Titanium Dragon
Group Admin

1825428
Yes. Don't be too shocked though; all the fundamental skills you need to write well have (hopefully) come to you by the time you are 13. From there, it is all about experience, practice, and refinement. The more you read and write, the better you get at it, in theory anyway.

In reality, a lot of it is about what is known as gainful practice - basically, merely writing doesn't help you learn how to write better, but trying to write better helps you learn how to write better.

Edited and submitted Three Little Words.

Welp I gave it the good ole' college try I guess. Congrats to the winners

1824292
This was my second long-form fic ever, so I knew the pacing was going to be faulty. (Unwisely defusing the tension is a problem my other fic had, too …) Thanks a bunch for explaining where the problems were! :pinkiehappy:

Titanium Dragon
Group Admin

1827806
I'm glad you found it helpful! I write these things to help folks out, and hearing that they helped people is always nice. :twilightsheepish:

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