I’ve been meaning to read this for fucking AGES. Given my love of Lyra, it’s abhorrent that I haven’t yet. Now I do. Yay n shit.

Two paragraphs in, mfw
This is *not* the tone I was expecting. Heh, I don’t know wtf I was expecting, but this is *not* it. I love surprises.

>Baron Awesome
I am so fucking amused.

>What chance has she in a relationship if it was only one way?
Oh god, you should have her extrapolate on this. Pros and cons like a cracked vase… Okay, you do. Knew I could count on you.

Oh shit Bon Bon. The plot thickens.

>Twilight going out with her disgusting new friends in Ponyville.
I lol’d then srs’d. This phrasing makes it sound as if she’s not IN Ponyville.

>One of Twilight’s friends’ face
Please fix this.

I think you’re the first person I’ve ever seen to hyphenate Bon Bon. Poker face.

Holy shit. Roofies. I fucking love you.

>How the hay this pony not know
HOW THE HAY. heh

Lyra in a goth dress… I must now scour the internets for this.
… Nothing. Son of a BITCH.

Wow. This hospital scene of hallucinatory win is reminding me of Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. Just less… homicidy. Well, so far anyway. I have a sneaking feeling that this is going to spiral out in some pretty crazy ways.

>the doctorpony
…. really.

The one thing that’s sticky for me on this is Bon Bon’s complacency and ignorance of Lyra’s obsession.

You derp the italics in the card, btw.

>Lyra googled
lol

Whoa dude, you just went meta as fuck there at the end, I sure as shit didn’t see that coming. The whole of it is overall amusing as hell to me, the ending however not only lacks any sense of resolution, but begs for continuation. How the hell could you just end it there? There’s just… ugh, I want more damnit.
I’d been meaning to read this for ages Grif, glad I finally got to it mate! Cheers!

Things to work on:
Fragments- there are a couple, Punctuation “Mr”, Your -ly words get a bit heavy, Occasional odd word choice, LUS montage, Word rep, Transitions could use some smoothing, Gets progressively Telly in the second half, Scenic exposition is not your strong suite.

299658

Punctuation “Mr”

Actually, judging by Grif's usage of the word "colour", this spelling is correct. In British English we don't put full stops after abbreviations when the last letter of the abbreviation is also the last letter of the word.

This is a good idea, Seattle. I've been on a one-shot kick lately, so I'll probably post my own thoughts (what few I can muster) in some of these threads as well. Everyone else should too!

EDIT: Ooh... the "Mr"s and "Mr."s are inconsistent. Choose one style and stick with it!

299658
I didn't know you posted a review here. ;_;

Seattle, would you ever forgive me?

That said, yes, it was meant to be meta. It was not meant to be taken seriously. It was also my second attempt at writing a complete story after Pony Effect. Not that it excuses my poor showing, but there you go.

499457
>Seattle, would you ever forgive me?
NO

500230

You wound me.

500385
Oh god, not that look!

500391
You shall have that look until you forgive me, young man!