Scootaloo centric eh? Awesome. For some reason I’ve recently become quite fascinated by her character, most specifically the evolution there-of.

Bit of an odd choice for an opening line, gotta say.

Funny you should use the Cake’s baby as a segue into Scoot’s issues. That’s the first thing that hit me when I saw that Ep.

Heh, the CMC’s meaning decoded- Scoots, you’re our taxi, stop bitching.

Huh. I had thought it was made fairly clear in the episode with the twins that their flying/magic was sort of a temporary aberration, but you’re using it here as though the diaper-fillers are preternaturally gifted. Huh. Oh wait, coming back up here from later on to note that we’re on the same page, you’re just having this take place in that phase of things. Okay then.

“A single tear”. Oh lawd, you went there. Hahaha.

Huh. I’m following the sequence of events no problem, I’ve just yet to be hooked by them. The bulk of the weight you’re building rests squarely on dialogue between character, the events in between these discussions however… just feel like you’re using to take up space.

Okay, *now* I’m having issues following. Not like, conceptually, but thematically. Spitfire shows up outta the blue (heh), and gives an attempt at an inspirational pick-me-up, then Scoot’s is going to see Twilight to see if she wasn’t meant to be born a unicorn or earth pony? Wat.

Halfway through, I’m hoping you’re going to surprise me, but this thing seems like it’s already laid out- Scoots spends the day as an earth pony, and rediscovers the value of her wings. Even should I be wrong here, and I rather hope I am, it’s coming across a bit dry mate.

>Sweetie Belle let out the breath and looked at annoyance at Scootaloo.
Had to note this one.

SB’s conclusions feel both premature, and overly vehement…

>giggling in giddy excitement.
uh… may wanna redux this.

Hmm. Okay, so overall, this has something of an episodic feel, if a bit stinted. Not precisely my cup of whisk… er, tea, but nonetheless, for those who prefer the style, it seems nice. Not a great deal happens, and there’s really not much tangible expounding on the characterization, but hey, that’s not what you’re going for anyway. All in all, lesson learned, and some quality time with the CMC was spent.

Shit you could stand to brush up on:
Action sequences seem a bit truncated, Emotional narration doesn’t quite connect, Stray punctuation (and lack thereof), Lots of Tell, Moderate word rep, Emotional impact, Visual descriptors, Bit heavy on the adjectives.

299641
Heh, thanks for the concept review.

Yeah, looking back at this, I don't think it'd get up on EqD by today's standards. As for all the stuff you pointed out... ehh... I'm working on it. Hopefully I've improved a little. Still trying to find my niche in writing. Probably episodic like stories would be best with some touch ups and practice.

Again, thanks for the review and glad you... somewhat liked it. Now, I bid you a good day and go my separate way for now.

If there's one episode I really want to see next season, it's a Scootaloo episode. She is best CMC.

I always encourage people with one-shots that have "Chapter: 1" to rename their chapters. It's a great place to put a subtitle, or even to just repeat the story's title itself. "Chapter 1" looks kinda silly when there's nothing after it.

pegasus vs pegasi

Never seen it pluralised as "pegasus" before. Technically speaking, every pluralisation is equally wrong – the whole thing is a bit of a mess. Samurai posted a long explanation of the issue once, and basically it boils down to "use pegasuses, pegasi, pegasai or even pegasudes, but you'll always be wrong because there is no proper pluralisation of the species name we've made from name of Hercules' winged horse."

The writing here feels overwrought. Your current work is better, IRRC, but based on this, you may want to use more conjunctions and be a little more experimental with your sentence structure. Stuff like

She backed up a bit and examined him. She leapt back in surprise as he suddenly flapped his wings hard and began to hover.

makes for really dry reading. Vary your sentence structure, get a feel for flow and avoid using too many words.

Wait, Sweetie Belle can't use magic yet! At least, we've never seen her do so, and I think that's the general fan consensus.

I agree with Seattle about this being dry and stinted. It's like, if you told me "this story is about Scootaloo getting her wings magicked away" then I'd imagine it going a certain way, and this is that way. The story was utterly predictable, and you didn't really do enough to make the journey to the foregone conclusion fun or memorable.

I had similar problems with "A Dish Better Served Cold, Or Not At All" and "Benefits and Consequences", now that I think about it. It feels like your stories don't really have anything to say. You play these concepts straight and without an engaging enough execution to justify how predictable it all is.

Have a little more fun with your writing.