Review of “Loveless Lovechild” by Mani-Roar

TLoveless Lovechild

• MLP: FiM
• Adventure
• Drama

Chrysalis's illegitimate son is banished from the hive and forced to find his way alone.

• OC
• Chrysalis

Mani-Roar · 17k words  ·  28  1 · 879 views

Summary: Chrysalis's illegitimate son is banished from the hive and forced to find his way alone. Rejected and shunned by society, how can he survive against his own nature? 

Spoilers ahead. 

Content

• Firstly, the story presents intriguing changeling lore when introducing the protagonist. I enjoyed the glimpse into how the author had considered changeling upbringing to be like in the hive without being telly. The story subtly shows the difference between a normal, ‘feral’ changeling versus Chrysalis’ illegitimate son (named Stranger) when birthed. Further development also showcased how special Chrysalis’ illegitimate son was, in terms of his abilities.
• It was surprising to see how Stranger was able to comprehend language upon birth. I guess this could be explained from the nature of being born from royal, magical blood from Chrysalis and the pony. 
• Nonetheless, I was also surprised by Stranger’s inability to control whether he was feeding on love or not. Stranger has been shown to be capable of drinking when he was thirsty and eating when he was physically starving. However, when he was slowly getting love-starved, he didn’t know how to feed—and when he was feeding, he couldn’t control himself from feeding. Hence, it appeared that his desire to feed came at a plot-convenient moment. I suggest showing how his pang of love energy grew and grew, till he was unable to stop himself, especially since he could be expending love energy to transform into ponies and execute magic. 
• Stranger’s characterisation is consistent, notwithstanding the “bad ending” chapter. He appears to possess more virtuous traits, derived from his pony father, which made him detest his own identity as a part-changeling. These traits enabled him to feel wronged and regretful for events that were out of his control, justifying his character when sheltering for survival. I also enjoyed moments when he questioned his own identity in understanding the reasons for the social stigma against his kind. This eventually provided avenues for character growth in a bid to separate himself from typical changelings. 
• By and large, Honeysuckle’s characterisation is not contradictory. Although she seems gullible in enlisting an unknown changeling’s help to amend her emotions, desperation pushed her to this. Nevertheless, she appeared to be too trusting of Stranger and his words to shelter him. Her reasoned that he did not appear to be dangerous, though I believe that there should be greater resistance in attaining her trust than depicted.  
• Regrettably, convenient events such as above meant that the story appeared to be driven by the planned outline of the story, rather than organically by the events within. It meant that the conflict introduced in the story did not appear to pose a significant challenge to the protagonist. This is because the conflicts were resolved through these conveniences. To further explain, we will talk about it in the next section. 
• Furthermore, the story often describes actions explicitly. 

Let’s look at a specific scene when Stranger was being chased by a timberwolf. 

He broke into a run. Having only walked in his life so far, his movement was sloppy and inefficient. He quickly fatigued as he clambered on through the forest. He didn’t need to turn and look to see if the creature was pursuing him, he could hear it. The creature chased him. Muscles burning, and breath shortening, he was unsure how much longer he could run before he collapsed.

Notice how the text conveys how Stranger is explicitly doing or thinking, which does not enable the reader to imagine Stranger’s position as vividly. This inadvertently distances the reader from the character in the story, weakening the reader’s immersion. Showing how Stranger was feeling or doing would help. For example, to show that “his movement was sloppy and inefficient”, the author could show how he struggled to keep his balance as he strained to mindfully control his hoofsteps. Another way could be to show how the sound of his hoofsteps were heavy, implying that he was overcompensating. 

• Nonetheless, exploring Stranger’s abilities and his journey in the corresponding world is enjoyable. 

Flow

• At times, the pacing of the story was too fast. For example, when Honeysuckle and Stranger were trying to trust each other, the story could have introduced further pauses to show her hesitation of the changeling and convey the hatred of Honeysuckle’s ex. 
• One reason for this is because of the story’s emphasis on dialogue to drive the plot. This meant that there was less time for the reader to comprehend the gravity of the situation before proceeding to the next cut of the dialogue. The author could consider fleshing out the setting and the scene more between dialogue. This would help to regulate the apparent conveniences and the pacing of the story. 
• However, the pacing was appropriate when the disguised Stranger was uncovered by the mayor. This is because the rush involved in the chase was fitting to the fast pace. 

Language

• There are minor issues with syntax and grammar throughout the story. They did not significantly impair the reader from understanding or enjoying the text. Most importantly, in concluding a character’s dialogue, pronouns used alongside dialogue tags should not be capitalized.
• Paragraphing could be improved. As it is responsible for disseminating the plot, paragraphing is key in regulating the pacing of the story and keeping the reader interested. Let’s explore further. 

He opened his eyes for the first time through a viscous gel distorted haze. He was soaked head to hoof in this green mucus as he peered out the open flaps of a translucent clamshell container. He tried to wipe the goo from his eyes to see more clearly. It had some effect, however the blurry haze persisted for some time. Despite the lack of clear sight, he was fully aware of his surroundings, although he lacked any concept of where he was. The walls were not walls, but more like an endless menagerie of twisted spires and corridors he could scarcely see down in the dim green lighting. There were orifices piercing the hallway spires. A violence that made no sense for either construction or biological growth. The many holes were accompanied by a constant buzzing hum, giving the impression of a pony sized wasp nest.

The author describes the setting well in the introduction that can vividly paint a picture in the reader’s mind. However, the long paragraph weakens the reader’s interest in reading through it due to the effort it takes to comprehend information in this large chunk. Consider the following instead. 

He opened his eyes for the first time through a viscous gel distorted haze. He was soaked head to hoof in this green mucus as he peered out the open flaps of a translucent clamshell container. 

He tried to wipe the goo from his eyes to see more clearly. It had some effect, however the blurry haze persisted for some time. 

Despite the lack of clear sight, he was fully aware of his surroundings. The walls were not walls, but more like an endless menagerie of twisted spires and corridors he could scarcely see down in the dim green lighting. There were orifices piercing the hallway spires. A violence that made no sense for either construction or biological growth. The many holes were accompanied by a constant buzzing hum, giving the impression of a pony sized wasp nest.

Stance

The story’s Stranger and changeling lore remains intriguing, which begs for a longer story. Nonetheless, further improvements in conveying the plot, regulating the pacing and paragraphing could be done. 

Content: 6/10
Flow: 4/10
Language: 6/10
Overall: 5.3/10
Verdict: Needs Work