TFire in the Frost

• MLP: FiM
• Equestria Girls
• Romance
• Comedy
• Drama

During an involuntary break from her Wonderbolts duties, Spitfire volunteers to bodyguard a mysterious stranger.

• Sex
• Twilight
• Rainbow Dash
• Spitfire
• Soarin
• Adagio Dazzle

applezombi · 8.5k words  ·  41  2 · 811 views

Summary: Things rarely end well after you punch a journalist, even if you are a celebrity stunt flyer.

Finding herself suddenly alone and without plans on Hearth's Warming, Spitfire latches on to an offer from a friend to do a little favor for Princess Twilight; act as a bodyguard and escort for a very strange VIP while Twilight and some friends sort out a little friendship problem in another dimension.

Initial thoughts: Firstly, this is a Jinglemas story, so I’m expecting this to be about Hearth’s warming and it’s very intriguing to put two characters like Spitfire and Adagio, into a dynamic like this. Both characters are interesting on their own, but how will they interact, and how will the plot of the story get them to talk to one another? How will applezombi make it all work? Let’s find out! (Spoiler: It’s a decent story chalked full of characterization, wonderful visuals, and yes it does have some issues.)

Score: 7/10

Heart of the story: I’d say its a combination of different things, but what really stood out to me was the characterization of the characters of the piece, and that helps drive the plot. Each character is written wonderfully, with just the right amount of unique charm, and flaws that make them believable. While the plot felt more lackluster to me on a whole, it isn’t bad. It’s just not really what kept my interest. Which when you write any story, you need to have 1. Plot 2. Character and 3. Execution. These are vital for any story, no matter what you are writing. This story shines in his characters, the plot is meh at best, and the execution is middle of the road. Which kind of makes it hard to score. This story isn’t bad enough to get a 5 but it’s also not good enough to get a 10. So where does it fit? I’d say somewhere in the middle. It’s not great, it’s not terrible. It’s okay.

Score: 6.5/10

Characterization: This by far was the best part of the story as a whole. Everyone felt wonderfully written. And here is why they are great: Applezombi knows how to write great characters that fit in the world of the show.
Spitfire: Prideful, assertive, lone-wolf mentality. Spitfire is a character who has always been more of a background pony. We never really get to see her more than hints and tidbits in the show, so for Applezombi to go to such lengths to show, not only her great assets of her personality and strengths, she’s also flawed. She’s quick tempered, loud, and admittedly does prefer to be alone. So it makes the dynamic of putting her with some pony like Adagio, very complicated, but it’s well written and I fully believed she’d vibe with Adagio.

Adagio: Feisty, flirty, aggressive, and sexual. She is everything I expected to see and more. The way she walks, the way she talks, she just oozes character, every single time she has a chance. There was one moment where I felt her characterization was a little “ooc” and that was her apology to Sonata. Even though it did feel full hearted, I don’t really think Adagio is at that point yet. She has yet to truly show, she has changed. But it’s nitpicky. I loved the way she written..

Spike: He’s not in the story for long, but he makes a good foil for Adagio, and even a good mentor role to Spitfire. He’s acting upon what he knows of Adagio, and it feels very in character for him, not to be sold on Adagio being “good”

Sonata: Not much to say here, because for most of the role, she’s a ramaging monster. It’s really out of the box, and feels a bit tacky and monster of the week ish. However, when she does calm down, she’s the same Sonata we all know and love.

I find it very hard, to not give credit where it’s due. This story excels in it’s characterization.

Score: 10/10

Writing/Grammar: Quote: “Meanwhile, she enjoyed the silence of the quiet, snow draped town, and the casual company of the beautiful mare walking next to her.”

This is repetitive, and unnecessary. We don’t need to know the town is silent. We merely should know the town is quiet, so instead of two adjectives are conflicting in nature because they repeat the same information and cause a disruption in the story. The way to correct this is simple.
“The town was quiet.” Even though it might come off as telly, we are describing how there are no sounds around them, so it works for what it needs to accomplish.

Applezombi is pretty good at nailing the grammar of their stories, however, what I’ve noticed is a tendency to reuse certain phrasing’s over and over, to the point where I felt it was repetitive and was overall hurting a rather interesting tale. These words are:
Butterflies, blushing/flushing, smirking/snickering. Granted I realize sometimes authors don’t notice it, but these are the ones that stood out the most to me, and perhaps a changed word here or there, would’ve prevented this from breaking immersion, but as a whole, it doesn’t ruin the story at all. It’s just distracting.

Score: 7/10

Originality/Execution: Now the originality of a Hearth’s warming special, is nothing new, however I’m not going to deduct points for that. There is a lot of other original things in here. Putting two characters together not for romance, but to develop an interesting story line, and makes us want to root for them. Now, I will say that the whole Hearth’s warming theme shouldn’t turn you off from enjoying this. I feel you could easily enjoy a story like this all year long. You just have to know what you’re getting into.

Now for the execution. This was the hardest area to critic, because time crunch, plus word limit is something I know was considered and taken into account writing this. And sadly, the story feels incomplete. It feels like it was rushing itself towards an ending, to have an ending and it gives a bitter impression to the rest of the piece. I personally felt chapters 1-3 were great. It’s the final chapter where most of the problems occur, and I feel like I wouldn’t be a good reviewer if I didn’t point them out. 

-fight scene is too fast-paced
-the tone shift between Chapter 3 and 4 was abrupt
-repetitive phrasing breaking immersion at times, and the capitalism of Sonata’s lines to seem angry.

All of these things are things I would tweet if I were ever to go back and work on this, but I know that a lot of times, author’s don’t want to go back and rework what they feel is already done. So despite all those flaws, I still think this is a decent story. Not every story is going to break some kind of world shattering record, sometimes a story just has to have a good plot, great characters, and an interesting dynamic to keep you invested, and I liked it.

Score: 6/10

Overall thoughts and feedback: For what it’s worth, this is a decent story, certainly not the best I’ve seen from Applezombi, but it is clear there was a lot of effort, heart, and time took into making this, and that fact it is a Jinglemas story means this was on a time crunch, and for what was done, I enjoyed myself.

Final score: 7+6.5+10+7+6=36.5/50
7/10

Head pat worthy:

Boop worthy: Yes

Needs work:

To the author: *waves* I must deny, this isn't the best thing you've written, but it's pretty not fair to this story to compare it to Rekindled Embers. This story feels very much like a Hearth's warming story, and that's good. Keep up the good work!

To the reader: Recommended for excellent characterization, decent plot, and overall good story.

Notes-
Chapter 1: It starts off rather simple at first glance. It’s Hearth’s warming and the Wonderbolts, Spitfire, Soarin, and Rainbow are all discussing events that have occurred. Right now, we don’t exactly know what happened to them, but it’s clear by the vivid descriptions and interesting character dialogue that something intense has caused a stir between the three of them. Rainbow Dash and Soarin seem to be a couple by the hints of the dialogue, and the not so obvious blushing ad flushing of the two. However, I don’t feel this story is about them. It’s about Spitfire,and right now, I don’t know enough to give a solid impression. I see a lot of little tidbits of characterization of her actions, and how she handles herself in an intense situation. Showing her skills, and leadership among the Wonderbolts. But yet, we also see she is vulnerable, and even perhaps a bit too quick tempered. It’s not bad to have character flaws, a character’s flaws, are just as important as the good character traits. If a character was perfect, why would we want to follow them? So, I must say this chapter encourages the reader to continue, to know what happened and what will become of Spitfire?

Chapter 2: Once again, this chapter shows great characterization of each chapter, which I will discuss more in “characterization” However, this chapter shows what the dilemma from Chapter 1 was leading into. Princess Twilight has asked Spitfire to babysit Adagio Dazzle. It is convenient that all the main six are busy, that Twilight has to call upon some pony else, but I understand the choice to do so. It would have been very easy for someone like Pinkie Pie to handle thi dilemn with her usual Pinkie Pie charm.

Now let’s discuss the plot, the plot is simple in it’s execution, Spitfire has to watch Adagio, and yet there’s another layer with not knowing exactly how Spitfire will go out making sure Adagio doesn’t cause harm and chaos to ensue, because Spitifire doesn’t really know Adagio, and Twilight wasn't very clear with just how dangerous she is. So that could lead to a bunch of problems. There’s two more chapters and only a current amount of words allowed due to Jinglemas restrictions, so I’m interested to see how Applezombi will make it all work. Because right now, it’s interesting as a concept, but the execution hasn’t really shown where it intends to take it.

Chapter 3: This chapter continues upon what was established in Chapter 2 and makes it even better. There’s a lot of innuendo sprinkled throughout, and every time it’s brought up, it’s not brought up simply for the sexual tension, but to help the characters grow closer to each other. Spitfire and Adagio have never interacted, and yet I feel convinced that this could easily work within the realms of Equestria. Also, I do enjoy the take on Spitfire in allowing Adagio to do what she wants, while still being very aware of the possible consequences.

This chapter also gives Spike something to do. Which I appreciate. A lot of time the writers seem to just forget that he’s a character, so anytime I see Spike used in a creative way, that gives more characterization to him, that aids the plot, is very fitting.

Chapter 4: Oh boy, this chapter is intense. So far the story has displayed itself as a simple babysitting of Adagio, and Spitfire taking charge by allowing Adagio to be herself, while also being on guard.

However, I wasn’t expecting Sonata to be a terrifying sea-monster attacking Ponyville with the power of love. Well, Sonata seems to be corrupted by the magic of the Dazzlings. Granted, it does feel a bit “shoe-horned in” And I think, I understand why Applezombi went this route, however it makes this last chapter feel like it comes out of the blue. We knew there was trouble on the other side of the mirror, but we are never given any solid hints to what occurs here.

What do I mean by shoehorned in? Well, the simple way would be to say it feels forced. Granted without this chapter, we’d be missing a lot of context to why Spitfire is the way she is, and how that resonates with the Dazzlings.

Now the actual battle itself was way too fast, and I know the word count really hurt this here, but I still have to mention the pacing of the action moves swiftly, and quickly, that it barely gives you time to breathe. In a lot of ways, it feels real, like a real combat-action scene would be. As a reader though, you are like woah! At the intense action surrounding it.

Now, my biggest criticism with Chapter 4 as a whole, is that it feels a bit disjointed from the rest of the story. It’s not BAD. But I feel like there’s something missing between chapter 3 and 4. Was there a part Apple wanted to write, but had to cut due to the word count? I know this story likely won’t be continued, so I’m not going to take points for having to cut parts to make it all work for the Fimfiction Jinglemas guidelines. However, if Applezombi does ever extend this into a separate “additional” content, I’d read it, just to see what was left out and what we didn’t get to see.

<For archive purposes: 7/10>

Hey, thanks! And for the record, I don't need to hide behind the excuse of the constrictions placed due to Jinglemas. If there's problems, (and there is) there's problems, and it was my job to not let them creep in.

You're not the only person to point out that chapter 4 feels a little disjointed and ends early/too quickly. It is accurate feedback, and something I'd like to take a look at if I ever find a way to dig myself out of the exponentially mounting pile of unfinished ideas...

Anyways, thanks for the review!

OTP!