TThe Call Of The Forest

• MLP: FiM
• Equestria Girls
• Romance
• Adventure
• Drama

Sunset invites Wallflower to Equestria so they may find a way to confess each other’s feelings, but their little vacation takes an unexpected turn when Wallflower feels something calling her to the Everfree Forest.

• Sunset Shimmer
• Wallflower Blush

The Sleepless Beholder · 11k words  ·  68  4 · 1.1k views

Summary

It has been weeks since the destruction of the Memory Stone, and over this time, Sunset has been developing feelings for Wallflower as she and her friends help her become visible to the rest of the school.

Wallflower has also developed feelings for the girl she once hated, now knowing who she truly was after the Fall Formal, and admiring her just like everyone else at school.

However, despite sharing the same feelings, the girls still aren’t able to finally confess their love, so one day, Sunset decides that maybe a trip to Equestria could give them the courage to finally express their feelings.
But her plans run into an unexpected detour, into the Everfree Forest.

Overview

What could have been a lovely story is held back by a strange pacing decisions and poor use of the setting.

(To the author: If you read nothing else, please check out the ‘Final Impressions/Feedback’ section at the end.)

First Impressions

First, a bit of a warning. The tags for this story don’t include a warning for Self Harm. However, since the climax of the story directly involves an incident that nearly involved self harm, I think the warning would be appropriate. The characters discuss the potential event in detail, including the method Wallflower was going to use to accomplish it. Maybe the author didn’t think it necessary, but I do, and I think not including it may have been a mistake.

Now, to take this story chapter by chapter.

Chapter 1 (The Call of the Forest): We open the first chapter with a dialogue between Sunset and Twilight, as told through the journal. For the most part, we only get the words each character is writing. We are devoid of emotion or reaction. When we do get a dribble of a reaction from Sunset, it’s told to us in dry terms.

As openings go, it’s deeply problematic. What if we’d heard this opening from the close perspective of one character or the other? What if, instead of simply telling us that Sunset “…was starting to feel a little bit frustrated but wouldn’t give up…” we got some of the physical actions? Sunset’s eyes, darting about nervously to be sure nobody was observing her. Sunset, nervously chewing the tip of her pen. Sunset, tapping her fingers impatiently against the book as she waited for each reply.

From there, we move to Wallflower and Trixie discussing the exact same thing. The emotion in this short section is much more honest and much less dry. Could we have maybe started with this scene, instead? It works much better as an opening hook.

The rest of the chapter moves far too quickly. We’re introduced to Wallflower as a pony, and get a cute reaction from Sunset, but not enough. We’re introduced to a potential conflict (Wallflower has no cutie mark) but blow right past it into the next thing. We’re brought to the edge of the Everfree, and Wallflower feels a mysterious call to go deeper in, but rather than deal with mysterious magic in a realistic and mature way, Sunset and Wallflower just barrel ahead unthinkingly. Don’t they know better than to jump on unexplained magic with barely a discussion? Both of them have been burned before.

Chapter 2 (The Loneliness of the Forest): Once again, the overly fast pacing of this story rears its head in the opening action of chapter 2. The encounter with the cockatrice is over far too quickly, and with barely any emotional reaction from Sunset or Wallflower. They nearly died, and we get little more than a single line of dialogue from both. Barely any effort to defeat, and barely any reaction afterwards.

Afterwards, we get probably the best moment in the entire story, Wallflower and Sunset encountering the Mirror Pool. The additions to the rhyme fit seamlessly, and perfectly encapsulate Wallflower’s insecurities. It’s a wonderful touch, and a beautiful emotional moment that actually informs the conflict later in the story.

The chapter ends with a very odd action sequence, in which Sunset nearly dies and Wallflower forces her to not defend herself. At best, it feels out of place. Sunset is literally dissolving as the flower creature’s digestive juices are eating away at her skin, while Wallflower prances about outside the plant, worrying that Sunset will hurt it.

Chapter 3 (The Joke of the Forest): This chapter starts out weird, then gets really good at the end.

We open with a bit about Poison Joke. Sunset takes the time to explain, in detail, how the plant works, even defending it a bit when Wallflower comments on how cruel Poison Joke seems.

This scene segues into Sunset accidentally using her powers to see an image from Wallflower and her shared past. It’s an emotionally difficult moment, where mean Sunset plants the idea of cutting in Wallflower’s mind. It’s brutal, it’s callous, and it’s wonderfully real. When the vision is over, Wallflower realizes what Sunset has seen, and in a panic, runs off into the forest.

This story can be frustratingly quick paced at time, skipping or glossing over tense or important emotional moments. This is not one of those times. It extends well into the next chapter, as well.

Chapter 4 (The Anger of the Forest): We ended the last chapter with some nicely written emotional conflict, and this chapter keeps it going for a while, until it gets odd again.

“Flash Sentry saw everything in the parking lot. He spread the word. Everyone in school knows about it.”

I don’t usually criticize stories for characters behaving ‘out of character’, but this little throwaway line deserves a second glance. Flash Sentry, acting as a hurtful gossip? Really? If you’re going to have Flash assume the role of a minor villain, I think there should be at least a little bit more setup as to why he took that role.

The rest of the chapter is problematic. First we have an attack by the Timberwolves. They are attracted to Wallflower’s anger, and ignore Sunset. Very cool and intriguing idea, but we don’t get to explore it at all. The action scene dribbles out with a whimper, ending with the Timberwolves simply giving up and leaving. The idea of the Timberwolves being drawn to anger is also completely forgotten. We do get an extension of the conversation before, which is nice on its own, but the backdrop of a weak action sequence really hurts the revelations we see.

Next is an odd bit of narration where Sunset first suggests they go back, Wallflower protests, Sunset realizes she’s forgotten how she got her cutie mark, then immediately suggests they NOT go back and keep exploring for whatever mystical force is drawing Wallflower into the Everfree. We have two contradictory pieces of narration, sandwiched between a plot point that seems huge but never really gets resolved.

Chapter 5 (The Heart of the Forest): Finally, we reach whatever it was that was calling Wallflower. As the climax of the story, it feels too easy. As with many of the other chapters, it happens far too quickly.

That being said, the conversation does shift to their relationship, as both characters finally get their feelings out in the open. The moment is sweet, and a good reminder that for all this story’s flaws, the two main characters do have believable chemistry.

In the middle of all that, Wallflower gets her cutie mark. It’s actually a nice moment, though the discussion of the symbolism involved is just a little heavy handed.

Chapter 6 (The Flower of the Forest): A chapter after the climax? This may be a pacing mistake. This whole chapter feels like an Epilogue, rather than an actual chapter, especially considering the climax was resolved last chapter. There is a new revelation (that the love between the two of them is literally healing the weirdness that is the Everfree) but again, that could have been either part of the resolution or in the climax.

I do understand the temptation. As a writer, we have to think about what comes after the climax. We have to think about how (and if) the happily-ever-after happens. We imagine the little details, the daily life, how the events of the story change the characters and the world. The problem is, once the climax happens, it’s time to wind things up and let the characters disappear behind a mist of imagination and conjecture.

Epilogue (The Friends of the Forest): It helps if I think of chapter 6 as the Epilogue, and this short blurb as a teaser for a sequel. Honestly? It’s unnecessary. Some of it could be worked into the real epilogue (chapter 6) while the rest of it could be set aside. Introducing a couple of paragraphs of new characters is just distracting from the main point of the story (Sunset and Wallflower). Is it sweet to know that others are befriending pony world Wallflower? Yeah. Is it necessary to the narrative? Not in the slightest.

Ratings by Category

Characters:8/10. There’s really only two characters here, and they’re one of the finest parts of the story. Wallflower and Sunset both have internal and external conflicts to resolve, and they motivate much of their behavior.

Setting:4/10. The Everfree is full of interesting elements that never truly get a chance to shine. Each new set piece is only explored for the shortest of moments before the characters blow past the obstacle to the next set piece. In all, the ideas are good, it’s the amount of time we’re spending at each sequence that is problematic. Giant carnivorous plants? Poison Joke? Timberwolves? The Everfree is supposed to be alien and hostile, terrifying and beautiful in equal measure. The story hints at those elements, but we’re never given enough time to explore them.

Dialogue:7/10. The dialogue is usually fine, but sometimes becomes oddly technical. In all, most of the dialogue works best when it’s short, snappy, and emotionally charged. The larger speeches where characters try to explain or reason through their emotions feel dry.

Plot Structure:2/10. The pacing is the most problematic part of the story. Many scenes are simply rushed, and many plot points that should take up more space in the story are simply ignored. Sunset’s memory loss about her cutie mark is a huge issue, and deserves multiple chapters, not just half of a paragraph. Sunset wanting to leave, then suddenly wanting to stay, with no real discussion on the subject? There’s also the Poison Joke, which is mentioned in one chapter and nothing ever comes of it.

There’s also the action scenes that are problematic. The near-death experience with the cockatrice ends with little reaction, and Wallflower seems far too blasé about a plant nearly eating Sunset.

In the end, what each of these scenes need is more time. More time while they’re happening, and more time afterwards to explore the reactions and emotions the characters are feeling towards what just happened. Near-death has a way of drawing characters together, and the author is missing a golden opportunity to really show the growing chemistry between the two.

Grammar: 8/10. There are some repetitive word choices and sentence structures, but nothing too egregious or distracting.

Total: 5.8/10

Final Thoughts/Feedback

I know this review was brutal. But I want to end it with a bit of a personal note.

I liked this story. I liked the idea of this story, and I liked the chemistry between the main characters. I think it’s seriously flawed and needs a lot of work. But the ideas are good, the conflicts are good, and it just needs more. More time to explore some of the elements hinted at, more time to explore some of the fascinating set pieces, more time to let the reality of each action sequence sink in for the characters. There’s so much here that works well, and the stuff that doesn’t work well is fixable.

Best Part: The expanded Mirror Pool rhyme. The emotional impact of the ‘mean Sunset’ flashback’. Wallflower gets her cutie mark.

For archive purposes: <5.8/10>

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Pacing has been a problem of mine ever since I've started, and I honestly find it hard to fix.

I personally hate verbose stories that spend an entire paragraph explaining what's inside a room that the characters barely interact with, so I tend to instinctually keep things simple. Plus, my poor handling of the English language forces me to also keep things simple.

As you say, good ideas with flawed executions, that's all my stories up until now, that's probably why comedy has been my most successful. And what's worse, I was really putting effort in this one.

The thing about Flash, I didn't mean to make him a minor villain, just the reason word got out and spread around the school. He was the start but not the full cause of it.

I'm currently writing another story of this kind that I can guess will find similar problems, hopefully not as glaring this time.

Thanks for the review, and I'm happy you personally liked it.