Sorry for the lack of reviews. Life decided to get crazy and I am not going to let life take over if I could say anything about it.

Anyway, let's get back onto the spot with a new review, eh?

Let’s Make a Story is about Pinkie Pie’s struggles with creating a story and how the author would view that concept. It’s not a terrible premise: short, to the point, and has limitless potential, especially with Pinkie Pie as a character. There are many ways that an author could go beyond that premise too, to provide more conflict and intrigue, to hook the reader into whatever story Pinkie Pie wants to write about, while also probing into Twilight’s view on how stories are written while also assisting her in brainstorming the wacky world and characters Pinkie Pie wants to show.

Unfortunately for us, none of that happens. Well, other than the short part.

Instead, here are the many criticisms of the story the author chose to write:

How Not To Write A Narrator

The story began at Sugarcube Corner where Pinkie Pie was in her room. She laid down on her bed near both Gummy and a small pile of books with one already in her hooves. After she flipped through a page and skimmed through the words, she laughed hysterically.

I’m just going to point this out here to all of you. There’s nothing exactly wrong here other than the critique that it sounds flatterer than a board, but just take note of those first three words.

Okay, now stop taking note of those three words. That was how long it took me to realize that this story didn’t know what it wanted its narrator to be. Which story are we talking about here? Pinkie Pie’s story or the story that the narrator wants us to see? Or, was this a play to mislead the reader into believing that any of this was happening and it was all just Pinkie Pie being a mastermind or something?

Hint: none of that matters because this only happens one time. There’s no rhyme or reason why. It just happens in the beginning, and never gets used to potentially do anything worthwhile with it. The narrator throughout the rest of this story sounds as dry as the second sentence in that paragraph. Here’s an example of that same dryness throughout the fic:

Pinkie Pie walked to her drawers and got out a pencil and some paper. She then went downstairs where Mrs. Cake was feeding the Cake Twins their bottles. Pinkie Pie then searched through the other drawers of the lobby.

This section is so very dry. It reads like someone rattling off a grocery list. To the author, my advice would be to read this out loud to yourself in the mirror, and then read it to someone in a call. If it does not sound natural in any way, shape, or form, then you need to correct it. Here’s a more natural flowing version of that same paragraph:

Pinkie Pie pranced into her bedroom, before she b-lined for her desk drawer. She scrambled over to it, clawing at it with her hooves, before it slid open with an unceremonious dull roar. She peered inside and smiled. Digging into it with one of her hooves, she squee’d rather loudly when the pencil and paper were in her grasp. All that was left was to find something to write on.

But what?

Pinkie Pie paused. She paused— 

…

—she unpaused everything and threw the paper and pencil into her saddlebags. With a bit of umph, the mare kicked herself into high gear, racing out of her room, down the steps, and into the lobby, where she drew herself to a sudden, quiet walk, if she could even call it that. No, she was tip-toeing as quietly as possible. Mrs. Cake was sitting behind the counter with the two little cake twins in her hooves. They were slurping happily on some formula, from what Pinkie Pie could tell, and she was not going to be the mare to interrupt them from their lunch. Besides, she was busy thinking about her story and—

This is what writing encompasses. Branching out. Creativity isn’t just in story concepts alone. Writing creativity is something that gives the author a sense of personality, which this story surely lacks. There’s no voice here, just a dry basic outline of words that are all interconnected. At least the building blocks are there, but this should not be a finished product. It needs more umph, like the example I gave. Granted, yet again, in every review I do, I need to remind you all this: I am not the gold standard of writing. I just write fanfic once in a while when I can.

This is just one instance of dry prose. The whole story is plagued with this, and the author needs to take care of this by reading more fanfiction, and by practicing scene creation. Give yourself those six w’s I’ve mentioned in my last review (Who, What, When, Where, How, Why), and then add some of your own personality into your writing. Give the story some life.

  
Flattening The Characters: Why?

The dry narrative isn’t the only critique I have. In fact, I don’t know how to put this lightly. I have read many stories, author. From fanfic to original stories. Some from Amazon, because self-publishing is the worst form of ego—no offense, while some fanfic authors just want to write to show some friends the many intricacies of a story starring Sonic carpet bombing buildings full of clones from the Star Wars franchise with hotdogs. You know, normal run-of-the-mill content, and I have never read something with characters this flat before.

Before I tear the story apart, I need to give the author a positive tidbit. Pinkie Pie is the only character in this story that has some bite to her. The author is able to portray her goofy random self even if every other character around her is flatter than a board, which leads me to believe that the only reason those other characters exist is because, yet again, Pinkie Pie is the vehicle, a standard average vehicle. She’s realized to a certain degree at the expense of the rest of the characters sounding like they only exist for her to live.

That’s bad, author. You don’t write characters around a character. You write characters to live in a space and time. They need to be as lively as the others. Let’s look at an example of two characters on their own without Pinkie’s intervention. For context, this is when Pinkie Pie decides she needs to employ the help of Twilight, and this excerpt is showing Twilight and Spike in the library.

That’s all you need to know. Here is what the author envisioned:

At Twilight's Castle, Twilight was at the castle's library, levitating and reading a book around a large table while Spike was sitting next to her, digging his claws into a bowl of red gemstones.

“What a peaceful and domestic day," Twilight sighed. "Right, Spike?"

"Yeah," Spike replied, crunching into a crisp jewel. "Let's not jinx it, though, okay?"

"Right," Twilight nodded, going back to reading her book.

Now that you’ve read that section, let’s actually tear this apart bit by bit. By the way, I am not going to rewrite this for you, author. By doing that, you will actually just take my excerpt and not do anything with it, as I have noticed you’ve done with section in particular, since the dialogue section was actually rewritten by a commenter. 

The beginning paragraph before the dialogue section is okay, but it ruins the flow of the scene and sounds completely dry. My advice is to give the sentence a focus. Pick a subject, and then stick with it. Follow the basic form of a sentence: subject, verb, and predicate. There’s no reason to try and stuff the amount of details that you have here into one sentence. Let the prose breathe.

Now the main meat of my criticism here: the characterization. The dialogue is stiff. Twilight sounds very unlike herself. I am all for making fun of common tropes (ahh, what a beautiful and sunny day) but when you try to deviate to fit them in the story anyway, it’s… just sad to look at.

Advice: remove that first line entirely. Have Twilight say something more of her own stature. She isn’t a prissy librarian, she’s a bookworm excited to learn something new, a pony who wants to make friends and keep them lively. Even something as mundane as this scene can be brought to life with a bit of writer’s personality. Rehash this scene author and brush up on these other characters. That’s my advice to you.

Beginning, Middle, And…?

The reason why the final score looks the way does not seem justified until I explain this section: the story’s plot. To put it in short, after getting advice from Twilight, the story just ends.

Yes, I’m not even joking. She gets her idea more fleshed out (which by the way, the idea she has doesn’t even sound Pinkie-like. She wants a comedy fic but comes out with an idea that sounds like an adventure), and then says, “Now, I can finally write my funny story..." She then let go of Twilight and started yawning. "Right after I get some sleep."

I’m not even lying. That’s ripped straight from the fic itself. I have to ask, author, what was the point of this fic? Was there anything to deliver beyond the description itself? I mean, most story descriptions deliver on what they say and then some. It’s not supposed to act like a summary of your fic, but rather a presentation of what the story could encompass.

So.. why? Why end where the story isn’t written? There’s so much more potential and it ends on an abrupt climax/falling action with no resolution whatsoever, just a ‘I’m done with the fic here so this is where it ends” sort of ending. Just wow, between the narrative that’s drier than the Sahara Desert and characters more flat than cardboard, we get an incomplete story that doesn’t serve much other than maybe an implication that there’s more to come, which is a complete antithesis of Twilight’s POV (which was served to be a mouthpiece on story writing, by the way).

Just, man, the concept would be great if the author fully visualized the story itself. Author, my advice is take this story and rewrite it from scratch. This isn’t a finished product. This is a first draft that should’ve stayed a first draft.
 

Final Thoughts

Conceptually, Let’s Make a Story is a solid idea. It has the potential to become something better, to have a goofy twist on story writing while also delivering something that can go beyond that concept too. Instead, what I read was a grocery list narrative that drove good characters in the show into a flat monochrome reality. I wish there was more to this fic, and I wish the author had given it more life, because this story desperately needs it.

Final Score

Grammar: 1/3
Creativity: 1/5 
Characterization: 2/5 
Flow: 1/5 
Impact: 0/7 
Overall: 5/25 (Needs Work)

<For archival purposes: 2/10>

Thank you for the review and I'm genuinely sorry for not putting much personality into it. I have a hard time when it comes to writing good stories themselves, but when it comes to other things like creating characters outside of the story, I'm sort of good at that. Again, genuinely sorry for not giving my story enough personality and umph.

7427245
This is old but I was just scrolling through some old reviews and I wanted to say something about this. I don't believe you can be good at "creating characters outside of the story" if you are struggling with writing the stories themselves. Characters don't exist in a vacuum, they are defined by their story. A character without a story is just a list of traits and behaviours with no context. Maybe you can improve if you stop thinking about characters and stories as separate elements. Plot and characters are distinct, yes, but they cannot be separated.

7459773
You're right. Thanks.

7427245
Do you have someone to alpha read your stories to give some feedback while you write? That might help pin point some points you struggle while writing. Well, that's as long as you find someone you trust. Even talking about it with someone can help boost.

7556417
Well, no. But I would like to have someone beta read my stories for me.

7556417
Hey, do you know how to beta-read?

7556451
I do, but I'm not your person. Got my own projects to work on.