EStomachaches

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Drama

Lightning Dust’s life has been a perpetual mess. As she struggles to put her life back together and repair her relationships, the last thing she needs is another version of herself appearing on her doorstep.

• Braeburn
• Little Strongheart
• Lightning Dust
• White Lightning
• Fiddlesticks

The Red Parade · 14k words  ·  147  10 · 1.5k views

Summary

An older, sadder, and more experienced Lightning Dust has a chance to change her past trajectory in the form of a magical mishap. But will she be able to change anything at all?

This story was written for FanOfMostEverything’s Ponidox contest, a contest that revolved around ponies meeting alternate reality versions of themselves.

First Impressions

As usual, let’s take this chapter by chapter, hm?

Chapter 1 (All I Want Is Nothing): It’s obvious right out of the gate that the author is a master of subtext and implication. The opening line is particularly interesting. It’s intriguing, and as a reader I’m fairly convinced it has little or nothing to do with the story itself. It seems obvious that Lightning is hiding from her own thoughts somehow. It almost reminds me of the ‘tipping’ conversation in the opening scene of the movie Reservoir Dogs; a tangent superficially irrelevant to the plot, while giving us an opportunity to show deeper truths about the character. I like it.

We go from there to the conversation between Lightning and Fiddle. I have to say, I’m having a hard time pinning down Fiddle’s motives here. She seems a little too blasé, given how traumatized Lightning seems by whatever happened between them. Once we get to the conversation between Lighting and Whitey, I’m a little confused; if Lightning and Fiddle were in a relationship, and they’re struggling, why does Fiddle seem so utterly casual about the idea of Lightning coming to collect her things? I’d think that sort of thing would come with a lot more emotional baggage than she’s displaying here.

As a final note for this chapter, I love the way that exposition regarding the relationships between the characters is casually and seamlessly slipped into conversations.

Chapter 2 (Guilt Tripping): So some amazing characterization here; depression and anxiety can often manifest in physical pain and discomfort, but it’s really interesting that Lightning Dust doesn’t seem to have the emotional language or awareness to understand that this is what is happening with her stomachaches. Or, at the very least, she can’t fully articulate that.

Now we get to the action. There’s something difficult about writing ‘Pony Vs. Environment’ style conflict well, and it’s been nailed here. The pacing is on point, and the tension builds nicely.

It’s interesting to see the way these various characters have evolved in the past several years. The author has taken canon characters and extrapolated how various events and the passage of time has changed them. I don’t just mean Lightning here, either. Braeburn has an interesting personality that feels like a natural growth from what we’ve seen in the show.

Chapter 3 (She’s the Prettiest Girl at the Party, and She Can Prove it With a Solid Right Hook):

We cross the hall into the emergency room. Before I can even make it out the door, something rams into my side. “Thank the Princess you’re okay!” Fiddle exclaims as she wraps her hooves around me.

I manage a smile and awkwardly hug her back. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed this so much. I never want to let you go. But I do, and give her a reassuring nod. “Yeah, I’m perfectly fine, Fiddle. Don’t worry.”

Fiddle looks me over before sighing. “I was so worried when I heard you were hurt.”

This feels almost at odds with Fiddle’s really casual attitude in chapter one towards Lightning leaving her. I would have liked to see some more complicated emotions back then, something that makes this feel more natural.

Okay, so I’m going to have to come up with a way to differentiate between Past Lightning and Present Lightning. So our main character, present Lightning, will be ‘Dusty’ from now on. Mostly because I love the cute nickname Fiddle calls her by. Past Lightning can just be Lightning.

So Dusty’s reaction when learning the exact moment Lightning has come from is absolutely incredible. The interaction between her and Fiddle here is great, and I love Dusty’s internal thoughts, and how hard she has to try to keep them under wraps. She’s the kind of character that wouldn’t want Fiddle to see just how much she’s struggling with all this, after all.

The conversation with Lightning goes exactly how I’d expect it too. The two characters are alike enough that they butt heads almost instantly. Lightning sees a version of herself that terrifies her, because she doesn’t want to acknowledge the possibility of failure. Dusty sees the avatar of every mistake she’s made over the past years, at the peak of her arrogance, standing right at the precipice of her greatest failure.

It’s no wonder Lightning doesn’t listen, and flees almost immediately.

The ending of this chapter is amazing. I hate to use the phrase ‘roller coaster’, but there’s definitely been a ton of emotional ups and downs in Fiddle and Dusty’s relationship. I love the element of hope here, suggesting that the B-plot of their damaged romance won’t end in some cliched, overused, ‘I’m too toxic for you I’m gonna leave for your own good’ bullcrap that I’ve read a billion times. Almost like Dusty’s an adult, and has learned over the years that relationships require effort and investment to make work.

I’m also glad to see that Fiddle is just as interested in making this work as Dusty seems to be. I very much prefer Chapter 3 Fiddle over Chapter 1 Fiddle.

Chapter 4 (Tragician): I love Strongheart’s characterization. The way she mismanages a pony aphorism is a pretty cute way to gently reinforce cultural differences.

I suck in a deep breath and feel the words come leaking out. “I’m so tired of everything I put you through. I’m so tired of letting you down and failing. I’m tired because I’m not changing, Fiddle. I’m static. I’ve always been this arrogant, intolerable, insufferable excuse of a pony, and every time I think I change for the better…” I blink back tears. “I fail. I just fail.”

This is pure writing gold. It’s made even better by the fact (and maybe I’m seeing too much into this) that she’s wrong. Just the fact that she’s opening up, she’s having a conversation about her feelings with Fiddle, suggests to me that she is changing. Maybe I’m incorrect, but my assumption is that their earlier breakup was caused (or perhaps not caused, but made worse) by a lack of communication. Last chapter felt like a breakthrough, and this one is just building on it.

On the subject of pacing: the broken-but-mending romance thing between Dusty and Fiddle is the ‘b plot’ here, but I think it’s a good decision to have it moving at a different pace than the rest of the story. I feel like the climax of this b plot hits right around chapters 3 and 4, and that’s okay. The epiphanies Dusty is having now informs the coming confrontation between Dusty and Lightning, but I’m glad that both climaxes aren’t handled at the same time.

Chapter 5 (Joyriding): So I have to admit I’ve got some mixed feelings about this chapter.

On the one hoof, Dusty’s methods make sense. It’s pretty obvious her first attempt was spur-of-the-moment, a desperate attempt to reform her past self borne on her knee-jerk urge to fix all her modern problems. And Lightning’s reactions were predictable; of course she wouldn’t listen, because of course she still has all of her own ego and arrogance intact.

On the other hoof, Lightning is almost too easily taken in by these methods. I could have seen this approach working if Dusty had used it right out of the gate. But I almost feel like the damage done in their first encounter would cause Lighting to be too defensive to accept Dusty’s presence without much argument. I feel like Lightning is a little too easy to convince here, and perhaps the whole conversation should have been more difficult for the both of them.

I’m happy Dusty’s strategy worked, but at the same time, I worry it worked too easily. I think it negatively affects the mounting tension here, which does weaken the climax a bit.

Or maybe the encounter with Lighting was never supposed to be the climax at all, instead some sort of epiphany between Dusty and Fiddle in the last chapter? Perhaps I’ve misread which plot is the ‘A’ plot and which plot is the ‘B’ plot? We’ll have to see in the last chapter.

Chapter 6 (Stage Four, Fear of Trying):

“You already have, Dusty,” Fiddle answers. “Hey, why don’t you swing by tonight? Finally pick up that box of stuff that’s been sitting around.”

I’d like to think I understand enough about Fiddle’s character at this point to realize she doesn’t actually want this. She doesn’t actually want Dusty to pick up her stuff, because that would mean they’re actually over. Fiddle’s been arguing vocally for their relationship, and Dusty has been making progress towards them getting back together. I could see her saying this, but not without some indication that she’s got mixed feelings or ulterior motives behind the invitation.

I mean, Fiddle wants her to swing by. But Fiddle doesn’t want her to pick up her stuff. It seems a little jarring that we don’t see some indications of this conflict in Fiddle’s voice, expression, or reactions.

Young Lightning jerks her head towards the platform. “You want her back, don’t you? So why don’t you just go get her? You’ve been telling me to face my fears, so how about you go and face yours?”

Wow, this is such a lovely subversion of expectations. One of the driving themes of Stomachaches is Dusty’s regrets over her past self’s weaknesses, arrogance, and general personality problems. But to have Lightning giving Dusty advice? And it’s good advice? What a wonderful way to turn the themes of the story on their head, and a perfect reminder that not all character development is positive development. Dusty clearly lost some good qualities while she was tossing aside all her bad ones, and I love to see Lightning reminding her that brashness, impulsiveness, and confidence aren’t all bad.

Also, looks like my original impressions were incorrect! The ‘B’ plot was the interactions between Lightning and Dusty! Once again, my expectations were subverted! I love it. Maybe it’s the part of me that just eats up romance and shipping stories like Celestia eats cake, but I’m inordinately pleased that the romance I thought was a side plot turns out to be the primary conflict of the story itself. I’m rather happy about how this turned out.

In the end, the resolution feels sweet and heartfelt, but real. Dusty’s problems aren’t fixed, but we do see the beginnings of the trajectory that will get her there. I sense that this couple emerges from these experiences fragile but stronger, with an expanded toolset for dealing with any issues that arrive. Because this story is a realistic approach to relationship conflicts, I don’t expect things to be all sunshine and rainbows from here on out, but I do expect them to be happy together.

Ratings by Category

Characters: 8/10. Dusty really shines as the main character here. She’s reluctant to communicate her fears, her worries, her insecurities, and this repression manifests itself in physical ways in the form of her chronic stomach problems. She’s learned just enough from her past mistakes to realize she’s flawed, but hasn’t learned to forgive herself. Ultimately we have a realistic approach to issues such as depression, ennui, grief, shame, guilt, and all other sorts of issues.

Fiddlesticks occasionally has some issues. I’d like to see more of her reactions, more of her feelings towards the entire thing. Often she just seems a bit too casual in regards to her crumbling relationship with Dusty, as if she’s just kind of cheerfully given up on fighting for the two of them. Other times she appears to be patiently waiting for Dusty to have her own epiphany. Still other times she’s eagerly invested in helping Dusty come back to her. None of this is bad necessarily, but I would have still liked to see some more of her emotions and feelings towards all that’s happening, something that would tie all of these things together, and make her characterization a bit more consistent and cohesive.

Lightning is fine at first, but she seems to come around to Dusty’s way of thinking a little too easily for my tastes. However, her final scene is wonderful. I love that it’s her input that allows Dusty to eventually return to Fiddle.

The side characters are wonderful. Each one seems like a logically more mature and aged version of their canon selves.

Setting: 9/10. Appleoosa really comes alive here, both the interior of the town itself, and the outskirts. The climactic conversation between Lightning and Dusty taking place in the ‘Mouth of the Monster’ is maybe a little heavy handed (heavy hoofed?), but it’s not a huge issue.

Dialogue: 9/10. Each character has a distinct voice. I love especially the way Dusty and Lightning speak with different voices, creating a bit of dissonance when Dusty has to realize that Lightning is not the same as her.

If there’s any criticism, it’s that the final confrontation between Dusty and Lightning goes just a little too well, and possibly a bit exposition heavy when recounting their shared past.

Plot Structure: 9/10. The little sneaky moment when I realized the ‘B’ plot was actually the ‘A’ plot? Amazing. Beautiful. Wonderful. Masterful. Am I simping too much here? This was really well done.

The two conflicts weave in and out of the story almost perfectly, influencing and informing each other while still staying distinct from each other.

If there’s anything I’d like to see differently, it’s what I’ve mentioned before regarding how quickly the Lightning/Dusty conflict is resolved.

Grammar: 10/10. No problems here.

Total: 9/10

Final Thoughts/Feedback

This is one of my new favorites, and an enthusiastic recommendation from me. Very well done, Red.

There’s something beautifully realistic here. Nothing is resolved perfectly, there is no summing up of a ‘Letter to Celestia’ moral lesson moment, and we get the impression that there’s going to be more struggles going forward, even though the primary ones have been resolved.

I’m also rather happy to see romances dealt with in a realistic fashion. This isn’t a high-school puppy love ‘notice me sempai’ sort of romance. It’s not a fairy tale kind of romance, or a romantic comedy with idiotic misunderstandings. It’s realistic, it’s rational, it’s messy, and it’s wonderful because of all this. I really find myself rooting for the two of them, powerfully invested in the ongoing success of their love.

As for feedback for the author? I’ve already mentioned all the moments I would call ‘weak spots’ in the narrative. They’re not very prominent.

Best Part: Lightning punching Dusty. Fiddle confronting Dusty after her first encounter with Lightning. Dusty looking over photographs at the end.

<For archive purposes: 9/10>

7425643

Hey thanks for this cohesive review!

I think you raise fair points all around. I was discussing this story's performance with one of the judges and they pointed out several inconsistencies in dialogue, which I think you point out here. Frankly I'm not sure how I missed those because I'm usually pretty good at catching them, but if I had to guess I'd chalk those up to me rewriting the narrative about halfway through and just forgetting to compensate by adjusting Fiddle's dialogue accordingly after the first draft. Nonetheless it was an error and oversight on my part, but it is what it is.

The pacing issues again were likely my own fault: I was primarily concerned with staying under the 15k word count and I had a lot of ground to cover. Second, I was worried about conversations between the characters sounding too similar because of how often they'd occur. In the end I ended up with 2,000 words to work with but I didn't use them effectively. So I agree in that I could probably invest those to smooth out the pacing, although now there's nothing keeping me from going above the cap. Project for another day, I suppose.

In regards to Fiddle's character: I meant to write her as still loving for and caring for Lightning but wanting to give her space, which is why she tries to be there for Dusty but knowing that this is something she has to achieve herself. There's probably more I could have done in regards to making it more of a push-pull type of deal because as you lay it out it does make her character quite iffy.

This in a way was meant to be tied in with the line about picking up her things. Obviously Fiddle doesn't want the relationship to end but Dusty is avoiding Fiddle, and Fiddle is trying to coax out a reconciliation while Dusty avoids her because she's scared of the pain. Again, my own fault for not making sure these points were clear.

In the end, I do agree, a lot of the story moved fast. Parts of it was because it kind of had to for me to meet the word cap, the other part because I have a tendency to tell short stories and not overstay my welcome with them. Something personal for me to work on, I guess.

Still, thanks for the feedback and I'm glad you liked it!

7425675
So keep in mind whatever criticism I offered was in the context of Stomachaches being a 9/10 story for me. It was an honest-to-god struggle to find anything to say at all besides "Oh my gosh this was amazing".

This story was truly amazing, but I feel like I have an obligation in my reviews to find something to offer by way of advice or improvement, even though it may be miniscule (which, honestly, it was here).