TCutie Marks and Broken Wings

• MLP: FiM
• Dark
• Sad

A filly finally earns her mark.

• OC

Holtinater · 1.4k words  ·  57  1 · 1.2k views

Overview

A filly, locked in a room by her distant Father, reflects on her life up to this point, and her relationship with her parent. She yearns to understand the world she has not been told about, and most importantly, she yearns to fly.

Characters

There are only two characters, our unnamed protagonist, and her Father. Since the story is told in first person, we get a pretty good look at what makes our protagonist tick. And the answer is… not all that much. Our protagonist has been told almost nothing about the world, and has almost certainly been locked in a small room her entire life. She doesn’t know what a unicorn or a cutie mark are, and she seems to have had all personal desires beaten out of her. Even the one spark of character she has - a desire to fly - comes to her with no real trigger. While this presentation is perhaps understandable given her life, it still doesn’t make it interesting, and there’s very little here that hasn’t been seen in many protagonists in similar situations throughout fiction.

Father gets very little screen time, but is similarly one-dimensional. He’s actually more interesting when not on-screen, in the anecdotes and memories from our protagonist’s life. He’s presented in a way that makes you wonder whether he might just be overprotective, rather than abusive, and that keeps him somewhat interesting. Unfortunately, all that nuance is removed once he appears, as his dialogue shows no character and makes it clear that he cares only for his results and not at all for the pony who has been in his care for twenty years. 

Plot & Pacing

The pacing here is solid. We get enough background to understand what’s going on and get a feel for the situation our protagonist is in, and then everything moves forward without wasting any time or leaving the reader behind. Unfortunately, the plot - a filly in a science experiment getting her cutie mark - offers no deeper insight into either the ethical ramifications of such an experiment, or a broader commentary on cutie marks and/or destiny. The premise works, but not enough is done with it.

Technical Skill

Overall, the technical side of the story works. Our protagonist’s voice is clear throughout, and there are no issues with the prose. That said, the story stays on the surface and never dives into the emotions it presents, and the prose isn’t used to connect the reader with the characters. And Father’s dialogue in particular is mechanical and doesn’t feel like something an actual person would say, which really hurts the immersion of the story’s climax.

Rating

Character: 2/5 

The characters make sense for the roles they’ve been placed into, but they’re one-dimensional and Father in particular doesn’t feel real.

Plot: 2/5

The plot here is generic and something that’s been explored many times before. As a result, it really needs to bring something new to the table, and it fails to deliver.

Mechanics: 3/5

No mechanical errors, and the story is easy enough to follow, but nothing stands out and the dialogue needs work.

Final Score: 2.33/5

Mechanically competent, but there’s no deeper substance here, and it offers no twist on this well-worn premise.

Final Thoughts

There are plenty of ways to make this a story worth telling, but they’re just not present here. I want to connect with our protagonist, and I want to understand what kind of pony would do what Father does here, and I’m intrigued by the underlying question this story doesn’t quite state outright - what kind of cutie mark would a pony who was never allowed to explore any talent get? Would they get one at all? 

The problem is that this story doesn’t offer any insights. It gives us an answer to the unstated question, but no explanation, and then leaves before anyone can ask a follow up. If it dug a bit deeper, there’s definitely a nugget of gold in here somewhere. The story just hasn’t found it yet.