TDeath of a Queen

• MLP: FiM
• Romance
• Dark
• Adventure

Chrysalis had welcomed the end, but one final visitor forces her to reconsider.

• Violence
• Death
• Twilight
• Celestia
• Luna
• Chrysalis

Arkane12 · 153k words  ·  324  12 · 5.3k views

Summary

Chrysalis is dying. In a last ditch attempt to redeem an old foe, Celestia tracks her down in order to offer an olive branch, and maybe a chance of being something different. In the process, however, Celestia is wounded, and Chrysalis finds herself at the mercy of her old foes, some who seek her life, and others who seek to understand her.

First Impressions

Wow. Dear readers of my reviews, have you checked this story out yet? If you haven’t, stop reading my review and go take a look at least at chapter one. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Done? Good. Now we can move on to my first impressions. As this is a multi-chapter story, I’m going to write out my impressions one chapter at a time.

Chapter 1: I absolutely love it when writers describe the scenery from the perspective of a character, rather than blandly like an impersonal narrator. We immediately begin from Celestia’s perspective, and the author expertly reveals both the setting and the character simultaneously.

From there, the author once again pleasantly surprises me by describing the setting using more senses than just sight. The author’s words create a textile sensation; I can actually feel the grit of the sand as I read about Celestia’s journey.

When the two characters begin to interact, the author skillfully shows both of their motivations. We see Celestia’s pity and compassion as strongly as we feel Chrysalis’ stung pride and her despair.

The chapter ends with a cliffhanger, one that is as tense and exciting as it is emotional and heartbreaking. My appetite has been whetted, and I am hungry for more.

Chapter 2: This chapter opens with… the story’s first significant sin! Given how good it’s been, however, I think we can forgive a little Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.

Immediately the author does well helping us feel the difference between Celestia’s calm, imposing strength and Twilight’s manic energy. Obviously both characters react differently to crisis, and seeing the contrast is nice.

We also get the first hints of the story from Chrysalis’ direct perspective. Given the shortness of the chapters, it is a touch jarring to switch perspectives so quickly, but it’s not a major issue.

Chapter 3: Even immortal princesses have weaknesses and blind spots. The opening conversation here between the doctor and Luna shows a surprising amount of vulnerability from Luna, and it works quite well.

This chapter also sees the first introduction of an original character, and the author shows us he is just as skilled at writing original characters as he is at interpreting canon ones. Doctor Heart is well written and a joy to read. The blasé way he interacted with Chrysalis was hilarious, and it worked quite well, establishing the doctor as somepony who has seen some real trauma in his day, and yet has still retained his compassion (a point hammered home by his later confrontation with Luna). The whole conversation is gold.

Chapter 4: While previous chapters hinted at the fact, this chapter opens with the positioning of Luna as the story’s primary antagonist (at least so far). She is dark, terrifying, and glorious. I love that it takes Twilight a good deal of time to work up to challenging her.

The dialogue surrounding the primary conflict between Luna and Chrysalis is just a bit awkward, but not much. It’s just slightly hard to follow what it is Luna wants from Chrysalis. Also the doctor presenting the possibility that Chrysalis has forgotten what happened feels like a bit of a leap.

The highlight of chapter four, though, is when the author does something wonderful with the last few paragraphs. He somehow manages to make us pity Chrysalis, empathize with her, mourn with Twilight, all while hinting at Chrysalis’ secret backstory. Nothing is explicit, everything is implied. If there are any aspiring writers here wondering how to ‘show, but not tell’ their character’s emotional journeys, I’d recommend taking a close look at this chapter. I know I’m taking notes.

Chapter 5: The conflict here between Thorax and Chrysalis works really well. Again, we have the author hinting at subtext and backstory without directly telling us. Using only dialogue, we get a clear window into a very fascinating relationship between these two.

The second half of the chapter is building towards a confrontation between Luna and Twilight, and ends with a cliffhanger. I admit I find myself a bit disappointed that this confrontation is handled off screen.

Chapter 6: While the two princesses transfer Chrysalis to her new room in the castle, there’s a bit of a missed opportunity. Chrysalis is marched past an empty plinth, and a single sentence from the author implies that Chrysalis fears her fate now will be as one of Canterlot’s garden statues. This idea is not explored nearly enough for my tastes. I would have loved to see more reaction, even internal.

Also, this entire section lacks any dialogue, which I fear slows down the pacing a bit. The strength of the author’s characterizations are in his dialogue, and I think having this long period of silence is a small miss.

The end of the chapter is near perfect. Chrysalis’ internal struggle, her surprise at the way she empathizes with Twilight, even the way she hates to see her old enemy debase herself in order to save Celestia, works perfectly. The reader gets to see changes happening in Chrysalis that she herself is largely unaware of. This level of subtlety takes a great deal of finesse.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any more chapters yet, and I am hungry for more. This is one I’ll be personally following.

Ratings by Category

Characters: 10/10. I honestly find nothing to criticize here. The characterizations are spot on. Both the canon characters and OCs are handled with grace and complexity. Characters reveal themselves through their actions and words, and not through narration.

Setting: 9/10. The author is an expert at making us see and feel the setting. Not only that, he makes us experience the settings with more than just our sight.

In addition, the setting is a part of the story, rather than just being the passive location where the story takes place. The author frequently uses the setting to set the mood or increase the tension.

If there was one note that I had, it was that the description of the castle in later chapters somewhat doesn’t live up to the promise of the description of the hive in chapter one. But the difference is infinitesimal.

Dialogue: 9/10. The author correctly and almost perfectly uses dialogue to explore the relationships between characters. This is a textbook example of showing, and not telling. If I have any note, it’s the large desert of silence at the beginning of chapter six. Since the dialogue is such a strong part of the story, it’s absence is notable.

Plot Structure: 9/10. As noted above, the only time the story really felt off pacing was during the brief moment at the beginning of chapter 6. Otherwise, the entire story is very well paced.

I want to note in particular the opening, where all the elements of the story combine to create an atmosphere of alienness, discomfort, and tension.

Grammar: 9/10. There are a few minor errors here or there, such as a very rare repetitive wording. Certainly nothing that distracts from the story.

Total: 9.2

Final Thoughts/Feedback

I don’t know if there’s much more to say.

Honestly, it was really difficult to write this review. Not because of anything that was wrong with the story, but because I honestly struggled to find any real things to criticize. How can I give feedback when the author seems so far beyond my own personal skill levels? I can only hope I did my best, and the author finds any part of this useful.

Personally, I loved every second of this story. I devoured it in one day, eager for each new tidbit. I await the next chapter with baited breath, and I will happily read whatever the author decides to do after this story.

Best Part: The slow build to the confrontation between Celestia and Chrysalis. The moment in the hospital where Chrysalis watches Twilight mourn. The end of chapter 6, where Twilight begs for help.

Thank you so much for this review. It feels a little strange to read someone praising my work. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Truthfully, I'm glad for every person that reads this. I have been writing for a long time, and it took a lot of work to get my skills to this point. I know I still have a long way to go, though. Honestly, at first, I couldn't even work up the nerve to post this story for the public to see, and it felt even harder to put it in for review.

This might sound a little sappy, but I don't honestly think I could've continued this story without the help of my girlfriend, who (though I doubt she'll ever read this) convinced me to post it and even offered to proofread it. I also wanted to thank my friends. They aren't really fans of the show, but they supported my desire to write this story and them backing me up definitely made me excited to continue. Third, I wanted to thank Applezombi. Not only did you write this exceptional review that discussed my story far better than I ever could, but your feedback was invaluable in working on my writing. Last, but certainly not least, I wanted to thank everyone who read this story, liked it, or left a comment. I really enjoy engaging with my readers, whether they liked the story or not. I'm also always eager to hear what people liked and didn't like.

Finally, to end this long rant, I just wanna say that I fully intend to finish this story, and maybe even move on to more in the future when it's finished. My only hope is that the rest of this story live up to the glowing expectation set by this review.

Thanks,
-Arkane12